Partners daughter

[MCDL]

Hi. My partners daughter who is 24 has been living with us for the past 3 months after returning from a year n Vietnam and previous to that 4 years abroad studying returning only briefly for holidays. Her self entitlement and her expectations of my role within the household has me gob smacked. We have a 9 year old child her little sister who she has made little to no effort with. I wash her laundry, prepare and serve her all meals. She refuses to contribute anything to the household. My partner will not speak to her. Says I must suck it up. HELP. Any advice please.

Our door always open to her. It was never closed to her. I just asked her to pull her weight a little going forward at weekends. Couldn't enable any longer.

I am very sorry to hear about your mother.

Re "Adversity makes us Strong. It does not give us any rights of self entitlement etc."

You are, of course, entitled to your opinion but in my opinion I am pretty sure adversity does not makes everyone stronger, it affects people very differently. Some may well grow stronger and some may be very damaged by their experiences.

I wonder if this may inpact how you feel about her, that she should be stronger is she has suffered as you have? But maybe you are simply a stronger person, we are not all affected the say way by good things so why should we all be affected the same way by bad things?

I wish you and your step daughter well, and hope that things will resolve in time.

Where is she living now?

cat I don't necessarily agree with getting a 10 year old to do their own washing. Perhaps a bit harsh. Did he do his own ironing at that age too? OP, I think you have a problem with your step daughter AND your partner and both need to reevaluate their contribution to the household.

Yes after this latest storm do have a problem with DP. We will air it out and it will pass N time. Yes I questioned my feelings deeply for step daughter as I was growing so full of resentment by the self entitlement etc but my feelings were none other than dis beleif that she would expect and take so much without giving anything back. Ask that DP would expect it n and when I raised my head on it got no hearing only some verbal abuse really.
She is indeed affected by her past deep down. Her demenour and way she conducts herself would suggest different. She is a bright, confident girl. Perhaps the fact she is so empty and perhaps shallow I found this tough.

Twice she has roared and shouted at her dad whilst out at a driving lesson. So much so that he was quite shook at the incident. This is the only time I have heard of her been aggressive. Generally a v passive girl.

Your DH won't address this and tells you to 'suck it up', because of guilt.

He doesn't want a blow up and his DD telling him home truths about how he badly let her down.

This may never move forward without her doing that, though. She's carry a lot of stuff that she needs to let out.

She is possibly implicating you, because you came into her life when she was still a child and did nothing useful to help.

Your circumstances are yours, not hers and are very different.

You show a remarkable lack of understanding and unwillingness to not have this out with your DH.

As said, you can't compare your DD with her, your DH helped to provide a stable home and good emotional support for her, whilst not doing the same for his existing DD, that is never easy to get over.

Has your DH even had a conversation about any of this? Going No Contact, or being unable to not have contact with a Parentcwho has an addiction at such a young age as your SDD had to, is massive and I only hope that the Aunt is at least acknowledging it, because, it's passing the two people (you and your DH) who should be there for her, by.

DP and I have had discussions after discussion on this before I asked her to pull her weight and since. Her shouting matches to her dad would b just frustration nothing of much substance. They are unable to talk to each other about anything only white wash. Yes I agree with all u say and have said it all myself but I could not personally continu as I was. Thought her and I could chat n discuss how better we could run a smooth home without me DOING ALL.

So she is gone.

But you are left stuck with a DP who thinks you are some kind of domestic drudge whose purpose is to do as she is told and to "suck it up?"

Fuck that!

Yes she is gone . Never said goodbye or made any contact with her little sister since.

Geez . Mayb I will hit for hills too. !

Argh, I wrote and accidentally deleted a huge post.

Basically, her behaviour makes total sense to me in the context of still being angry at her father. Because whatever she said, she was 12 and he left her in an awful situation and built a happy life without her.

My reasons for being angry with my dad are different but her behaviour resonates so much. I can't even explain why but I needed my dad to prove he was sorry, to accept whatever was thrown at him and try to make up for it. I wasn't exactly kind to my stepmum - I didn't crave her approval. And I know if I'd ever been even slightly criticised I'd have reached exactly like your partner's daughter and been gone for good.

None of this is your fault. Your partner needs to take responsibility for his own actions. She's not gone off because of what you said, that's just a tiny last straw.

My 24 year old daughter is at university and has just come home for Easter. Yes I cook meals as we all eat together and I might put her washing in with ours. But she doesn't expect it and will do her own washing. She will also do stuff for me. In fact she has just asked me if I would like a coffee.
If she was at home full time she would be expected to contribute to the running of the house. Your DPs daughter needs to be contributing and your DP also needs to do housework.

Yes. This was the last straw for her. If DP had said anything to her it would have been the same result.

Wouldn't she have been doing her own cooking & laundry for the last 5 years abroad ? As you want to welcome her and feel sorry that her own Mum has failed to support her emotionally , what about sitting down and making a cooking/laundry roster together and getting her to decide on some favourite meals to shop for together

Thank u all so v much for sharing ur opinions and experiences. It has been 5 years since I posted up mumsnet and saw a thread that I posted 5 years back bout AIBU to be expected to wash stepdaughters laundry who was then n boarding school , coming home to her mother at weekends and had no contact with me or dd at the time. Her mothers washing machine was broken. Frightening to read it and 5 years on to b still trying and doing. Time for me to seriously re evaluate.

I suspect if she were your daughter you might have been happy to do the washing actually and I write as someone whose 3 older children all moved back home at university.. mind you my son not much older than her has cooked dinner for myself and his brother for the last 5 years + although I do the washing for all 3 boys and our cleaner helps. I think for someone you gave birth to and brought up and who wasn't damaged by boarding school (which tends to mess people around mentally) people feel differently.

Also the sexism is the big issue here- that the pratner doesn't pull his weight. Equal relationships where both work full time and earn the same or women out earn men tend to work better - then you don't end up the muggins running arond like a servant after everyone else.

Yes. No equality here or freedom of speech . Strange corner to have been backed into. All points at one person really.

i dont think you like you like your sd very much or your partners daughter as you put it. i think the fact she doesnt have/want a relationship with you pfb really pissses you off.
you said how brilliant you daughter is and she cant do know no wrong but your sd can do no right, oh will you put your dd on your car insurance when she passes her test.
im not saying your sd shouldnt be pulling her weight she should but your makeing out your really hard done by.
maybe she as used the washing machine and you kicked off at her for using too much powder, the wrong setting or any other reason , what im saying is there are two sides to every story and id like to hear hers

Indeed but no sides here. I have been nothing but kind and understanding of her over the years and will continu to b given the chance again. I did expect though if she was coming at the weekends going forward I expected her to pull her weight and to let us know when BF was coming. I felt as one operator put it as a domestic drudge and I let this b known.

I had hoped as 2 adults we could discuss our issues but it was not to b.

I think her story from what I hear from her father is that I should have been grateful by her presence and to expect nothing more. But without been able to have any discussion with her other than white wash it is difficult to know.

there more i read the more it screams at me that you dont like her, it doesnt matter what she does you will pick fault with it, you havent said one nice thing about her.
the only time you liked her was when she was in vietnam, but now shes back shes ruined your "little" family
sorry to sound harsh but its how you come across to me

I find no fault with her . She is a bright confident young woman doing v well against the odds. I have told her this many many times. I did expect her to behave more like an adult within our home and to pull her weight.