Partners daughter

[MCDL]

Hi. My partners daughter who is 24 has been living with us for the past 3 months after returning from a year n Vietnam and previous to that 4 years abroad studying returning only briefly for holidays. Her self entitlement and her expectations of my role within the household has me gob smacked. We have a 9 year old child her little sister who she has made little to no effort with. I wash her laundry, prepare and serve her all meals. She refuses to contribute anything to the household. My partner will not speak to her. Says I must suck it up. HELP. Any advice please.

It's just a snappy way of saying "don't LET them take the piss".

Are you happy wth your partner?

Having a quick go at pop psychology I wonder if the fact she doesn't have a motherly relationship with her own mother means she and your DP expected you to step up into that role in some way. That's fine, but then they and the wider family need to understand your boundaries and expectations too, and that they may differ from theirs.

Yes our daughter has been v clued in to how precious and self serving her sister was. She is nothing like this. A model little girl. Respectful. Busy n her life. Doing well in all areas. Helps around the house. Shows appreciation etc. She has seen me do what I did and I think was quite uncomfortable with it all.

I don't get why you started doing this at all when she first came back from Vietnam? Frankly it's a bit odd that someone who has lived independently for 5 years would want someone to wait on them.

DS (who I love doing things for) is 24. He asks whether it's convenient to visit, automatically does his washing (asks whether I have something to add if he hasn't got a full load) and ironing. Takes his turn shopping and cooking, and sometimes treats us to a meal out for special occasions. This isn't a stealth boast it's just how most people behave when visiting family if they have lived on their own for a while.

IMHO treating someone as a 'guest' when they visit is what has got you into this position, think you made a rod for your own back and then passively aggressively went too far the other way when your heard she was leaving.

Exactly strictly. Happy with my partner chinesealan no not at the moment. Have taken a lot of shit from him on this. Also from his sister who 24 year old ran to to get enabled.

I suspect if your DP treats you like a domestic doormat and you let him, she thought that was how the house operated. And you would not be comfortable with her taking over in your domestic domain doing her own chores and cooking for the family..

She needs to grow up.

I'm 27, at 24 I was most certainly not living at home like a teenager.

Yes silver birch. Ur son sounds exactly I how I would expect people returning back for a bit to behave. IT was certainly how it was when I came back for visits at that age. Was not forceful n any way when I asked her to pull weight going forward at weekends. I suspect there were under lying problems of resentment toward me and my daughter. I felt that she felt we should b grateful with her presence considering I am now with her dad. Am thinking partner felt same.

Thank u silver birch for ur wisdom and insight. Yes indeed but not paying her way. Asking me to insure her on my car. Asking me for my house that I let as a holiday home for her friends to hang out n. Having her boyfriend and friends stay n our home without letting us know. I am just bewildered as to how a grown 24 year old woman could behave like that and have a partner that backed it.

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing. But maybe when she arrived you were too keen to impress and treated her like a guest rather than someone who had moved in to your home.

Rather than say shall I do your washing or just picking it up to do, you could have said "I'll show you how the washing machine works and why we keep the iron". Or "it would be a real help if you could cook Tuesday nights as it's such a rush after work" or "I've left £20 on the hall table could you get something for dinner tonight'".

Personally I would see it as lesson learned and maybe think how you can develop your own DDs independence as she gets older.

Your DP sounds a bit of an issue to me, he needs to shape up himself or find himself somewhere else to live too.

YANBU.

But it's sad there's not a better relationship too. If you and her dad have a 9yo then presumably you've known her since she was about 14 or younger? How was she as a teenager? Did she ever live with you and cook etc then?

I would expect my DD to check with me of if she wants someone to stay and she most definitely pays me a weekly amount for the pleasure of me doing her laundry. It will be interesting to see whether he expects your DD to contribute when she is older.

Yes DP is all of that. This latest storm just another to his list and it's all so bloody tiresome . Thank u all for ur advice as I was wanting to know AIBU. Clearly not and lessons on my part learnt.

OK, I'm going to be generous to everyone in this narrative - except your partner, who sounds like a bit of a 'king of the castle' and could do with a bucket of cold water over his ego.

I'm going to suppose SD is a young 24. She's evidently had a difficult childhood, has gone away to 'escape' and, while I'm sure her experiences have broadened her world view in many ways, this is rarely a successful strategy in terms of dealing with psychological baggage. So I'm going to assume she really needs a Mother.

There is no way on this earth you - or any other person, tragically - can replace the childhood she lost. On the other hand, you can model being a stable & secure adult woman for her. Could you try imagining how you'd be with, say, an 18-year-old daughter? You wouldn't be waiting on her hand & foot, I'm sure, but you would be busting a gut to let her know you'd be there for her no matter what - and to make her feel secure.

How would/will you do this? Doing things together, I'm sure. Perhaps not girly days out or stuff like that (would make most teenagers cringe!) but ordinary things like some of the cooking, maybe some gardening/dressmaking/DIY/whatever it is you do, and the occasional rambling chat at the kitchen table.

It might be possible just to pull off a switcheroo from 'servant' to 'stepmum' without saying anything. If it doesn't work, she's big enough to have this explained in a grown-up way and her feedback sought. I wouldn't involve her father, in your position.

Regarding your younger daughter - kids change drastically between 5 and 9. I'm quite estranged from two of my DNs for a similar reason: once you've missed such a big chunk of their development, none of you quite catch up on the relationship. It is what it is. You could try asking SD for advice on something to do with DD - "What did you like at 9yo?" and so on. It might help. But I wouldn't push it.

Both myself and my sibling at separate times had need to go back to my parents. My mum did all the laundry/cleaning/etc. but she would not entertain me chipping in as 'i'd only make a mess'. When I was there I didn't have my then bf over, I paid rent or at least bought groceries, let them know if I wasn't coming home etc. We still came to arguments at some points, but generally it was ok once we got over the 'this is our house' and 'I'm not a child any more' bumps.

My sister OTOH refused to pay rent, would invite people over (not just bfs), borrow the car and return it petrol-less, etc. She claimed its because that's what I did, even though DPs tell her it totally isn't. She also in the way of moving out 'borrowed' things from them that never got returned. DH has had to completely replenish DFs tool supply (which wasn't phenomenal but she lest them without a screwdriver set ).

However she thinks I'm selfish because I now live a distance away and prioritise my DC even over myself.

I have no clue why we act so differently except that we're very very different people.

Yes girlfrommars. All a bit sad really. DP left family home 12 years ago when she was 12. Her older brother was 16. We met soon after as had known each other's families well. His parents and mine were good friends. He is 10 years older than me . I am 44. His dd went to boarding school and returned at weekends to alcoholic mother. She wanted nothing to do with her dad, or me or dd until dd was about 5. Ex still lives n family home
drinking. I still felt though this was not reason for self entitlement etc at 24.

This baffles me. I'm 24. I had a difficult childhood/teen years. I don't expect people to wait on me.
I live alone with 3 DC, when I was pregnant with the youngest I ended up physically unable to move. My mum and DP did everything for me, including dressing me, cleaning me etc. I was horrified. I didn't want them cleaning my house, looking after me. I'm an adult. I should be standing on my own two feet. Obviously I couldn't stand...but you get what I mean.
It's just laziness. And your DP needs to pull his head out of his arse and tell her to grow up.

Re "With that she packed up all her gear and headed off. Saying never to return or want to see me again. Partner and her aunt have given me such stick over it , it's quite hard to believe."

Is she coming back?

If so, - Stop doing her laundry.

Are you interested in her, do you resent her presence? Does she resent your presence in her dad's life?

This is very telling..... "Her mother lives nearby . They haven't spoken for years . She has a drink problem." If she was brought up by her mum who drinks and who she has not spoken to for years I would imagine she has a degree of baggage. Maybe she resents the fact her little sister, her half sister I presume, got to live in a nice home with her mum and dad and she ended up with an alcoholic mother?

In your shoes I would play the long game and develop a relationship. Yes, by all means stop with the laundry but focus on making relationship between her and you and your 9 year old. In the long run it will be relationships that will swing things, IMHO.

It's obviously not easy but I would go down the route of making friends and making her aware of what is needed for a smooth running home.

I lived at my parents rent free at that age and older, is it so unreasonable for her to expect that if your husband can afford it? Would you expect your nine year old to pay rent once she reaches 24 if she is just back for a flying visit? Was an occasional visitor and not living there all the time (is she, I am confused if her job is in Dublin, are you in Dublin?)

If this visit becomes more permanent then you will need to re-think money etc.

I think your husband's attitude is not helpful here, it would be better for the three adults to talk together after you and your husband have had a chat that does not involve anyone having to suck anything up!

Exactly ninja. That's what needed to happen and it didn't. DP REFUSED to rock the boat and insisted ' I suck it up ' . Leaves us v much at logger heads although he is doing his best now she is gone to everything going back as it was. I am not interested.

Yes job n Dublin. 2 hour journey from where we live. Yes she is gone. Won't come back. Have tried to make amends but much more underlying resentments there for her to b interested I would imagine. It couldn't have worked I don't think even if I had ' sucked it up''. Tried for years to get close to her particularly n the last 3 months she was living here. She wasn't interested just wanted to take. I have been v good to her over the years. Time now to put behind.

Can I ask what this means...

"Yes our daughter has been v clued in to how precious and self serving her sister was. She is nothing like this. A model little girl. Respectful. Busy n her life. Doing well in all areas. Helps around the house. Shows appreciation etc. She has seen me do what I did and I think was quite uncomfortable with it all."

I think you are missing a massive amount of awareness about your step daughter and why she might be how she is.

Of course your dd is a great kid and very helpful etc if she has had two caring parents in residence etc so far.

Your step daughter did not have that, I've no idea what the life of your step daughter was like before 12 but from what you say.. "DP left family home 12 years ago when she was 12. Her older brother was 16. .... His dd went to boarding school and returned at weekends to alcoholic mother. She wanted nothing to do with her dad, or me or dd until dd was about 5. Ex still lives n family home
drinking. I still felt though this was not reason for self entitlement etc at 24."

So she may or may not have had an alcoholic mum from quite a young age, her father left her at 12 which must have been horrible for her, even if your partner tried to stay in contact, maybe she felt a bit abandoned. Maybe she loved boarding school, who knows, but at the very least she was coming home every weekend and holiday to an alcoholic mother, I expect that could screw someone up pretty effectively.

What changed for your step daughter when your dd 5, why did she suddenly want contact? It may or may not have been fully her choice not to see her dad before that, maybe her birth mum exerted some influence over her there.

I'm sorry but you don;t sound very aware of what your step daughter may have been through and how this may have affected her and I think your first move could be to get clued up on what growing up with an alcoholic mother could do to a young girl.

I am not saying you need to do her laundry to make up for it but personally I think, like it or not, you are her step mum as she is your partners daughter and she is your daughters half sister, so I would work on the relationships and finding a smooth way forward, and your partner needs to be on board in helping with this, IMHO.

Good luck, it won't be easy, but it may well be worth it.

Tried to talk to her bout running a smooth home going forward n she just took off. Nothing harsh or un toward was said. I guess she was just hanging n with us by her finger tips and anything that was to b said to her would have had collateral damage. Kinda felt like I was been held to ransom. !

I've just seen your update which kind of cancels out what I just wrote! In your shoes I would still try to forge some sort of relationship at least in the future. If you have tried you have tried it just sounded like you did not really understand how screwed up she could be. Is it possible her mum drank even in pregnancy? That would have added to issues for her if it was the case.

Anyway, I am not trying to be mean, I am sure you have tried but I would at least leave the door open, 24 is still young, she may come round and whatever the future holds she will always be your dd's half sister.

Thank u Italian greyhound. Yes I know all about what's it's like to grow up with an alcoholic mother as had one myself. Sober now since I was 14 but nonetheless the scars still there. Adversity makes us Strong. It does not give us any rights of self entitlement etc.