To think a teenage girl sharing a room with a 6 year old boy isn't fair?

[lightsnotchanging]

AIBU to think this isn't really fair? Or is it?

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

We own our 2 bed house and unfortunately have 4 dc (2 girls, 2 boys) and no chance to move right now.

If I were in your relatives shoes and learnt that you were commenting and judging on our living arrangements I'd be asking you when you were planning on stumping up the cash to get us into the size house you believe we should have.

We know it's not ideal and I am sure your relative's family know it's not ideal. But it's also preferable to have a teenage girl and teenage boy in the same room.

The daughter who has gone to uni is a moot point. She must have known things would change (I assume previously the girls shared and the boys shared). It is more fair with even numbers to give all of them equal space than have 3 people crammed in one room and 1 lounging around spaciously in the other.

Of course the alternative is you offer to have the uni girl at yours when she is home for the holidays.

[HairySubject]

Depending on the size of the room could it be separated down the middle with wardrobes? We are in a two bed with three DC and that is what we have done. Dd gets a smallish space of her own, still bigger than the box room of our old 3 bed, and the boys share the larger side with bunk beds.

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

*having, not have sorry for completing changing the meaning of my post there!

[lightsnotchanging]

Mini, that's why I'm asking, actually.

Ultimately, the parents choose the size of the family and size of the house - by that I don't mean they gave money for a 5 bed and chose a 3 bed, but they chose the family size knowing that the living arrangements wouldn't be ideal.

Ages of children is relevant here. A five and six year old girl and boy, who cares, but that's a bit different when it's a teen and six year old.

Anyway - thanks again :)

[Headofthehive55]

In my experience it's been my two older DDs who don't want to share.

[lightsnotchanging]

I think (and this is just my opinion) that that wouldn't be a reasonable objection - sharing with your sister.

I think in this case the DD2 has a reasonable objection. But some disagree and that's fine :)

[Minisoksmakehardwork]

Please don't assume they chose the family size intentionally either. We chose to have 2 dc based on our current home. Future family planning was put on hold until we could get into a bigger home. Unfortunately due to a contraception failure I became unexpectedly pregnant, with twins.

Of course finances then took a plummet due to buying extra of some things and a double pushchair (thankfully we already had kept dc's things), I had to give up work because of the prohibitive cost of full time childcare for (at the time of dts arrival), 4 aged 4 and under. We are on the council housing list but these things can take many years to come to fruition. But I digress...

I think offering to accommodate the girl at uni, to ease the pressure on her family's living space and without being judgy about it would be a lovely thing to do if you think her parents won't take offence. Make it clear that you understand space is at a premium for all of them and you are happy to offer this for as long as the Dd is at uni, and potentially extend the offer to the next Dc to go to uni as well if you are in a position to do so.

It may be that by year 2 the Dd has enough friends that they can rent a house together so effectively moves out. In which case she would potentially be home less anyway.

[lightsnotchanging]

I know enough about them to know they did, Mini.

Multiple births can be really tricky to manage It sounds like your children are really young anyway so I'm sure they are fine.

[Headofthehive55]

Some families need more personal space than others. This idea of separate bedrooms is a modern concept, years ago you just slept on one undivided floor.

[curren]

So really what you are saying they shouldn't have had the amount of children they had.

That's what you are judging. Not the room set up.

I can imagine the kids would rather share than not be there at all.

[lightsnotchanging]

That would be a bit silly, wouldn't it, since they are here now.

However, I think the current situation is untenable.

[Headofthehive55]

I don't think it's fair on you to judge. As i say we get a lot of comments about our arrangements. Including comments surrounding wanting our older DD who incidentally doesn't live here anyway, to share with DD2. We took the view moving house would be silly, as we are getting to the point where our oldest would be moving out anyway post uni so we didn't want to create a situation where we've moved and then need to downsize.

As it stands we chose to save the cash, to enable us to help DD and the others with deposits for homes of their own.

[liz70]

Nothing wrong with a sofa bed in the living room - DH and I have one and find it just fine.

My solution in this case would be :

Parents on sofa bed in living room
Youngest two boys in bunks (to save space) in largest bedroom
Oldest boy and girl each in the other two bedrooms.

Sometimes you have to compromise and sacrifice to accommodate your children.

[curren]

Nothing wrong with a sofa bed in the living room - DH and I have one and find it just fine.
Nothing wrong with for you.

Not everyone else

[Griphook]

Why are you only interested in the well being of the girls. Do boys not have any needs got privacy and space?
Your post uses the term dd1 and dd2 and yet the males children and Just refered to and the boys. Quite telling really. Maybe the relative realises you have favourites and they don't which is why they are sharing the space as fairly as possible

[Headofthehive55]

You also don't know if they need to have a couple of them parted. I can have various combinations of them together but not all combinations work. I couldn't put DD2and 3 together if I want my sanity and wish them to stay alive.

[lightsnotchanging]

Just that the girls talk to me more. There is slightly more to that but I won't go into it here,

[liz70]

"Nothing wrong with for you.

Not everyone else"

See my last sentence above.

[SaucyJack]

Your arrangement doesn't accommodate the six-year old's need for a much earlier bedtime liz70.

[BillSykesDog]

Wow. This is soooooo sooooo not your business OP and it sounds like you are really stirring this up too.

You also appear to be projecting your own issues with your step-mother while you were at university on to this situation too.

The girl's wishes are not the only ones which matter in this situation. Her little brother's do too, but you only seem interested in what's best for her and totally uninterested in him. If, for whatever reason, the parents feel that his need to not be in with his brothers outweighs her need to a room of her own that's her call. And there are lots of reasons why that could be the case, eg bullying older brother, previous problems with managing inappropriateness eg swearing, leaving unsuitable stuff around or it just being too smelly and sweaty with three of them in there.

This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Your opinion on the situation is irrelevant and making an issue out of this will help nobody and just cause trouble.

[Headofthehive55]

You won't have the full picture, no one does unless you are living with them. No one would know from outside that DD2 and 3 can't get on as its just not obvious outside the family.

[Griphook]

Just that the girls talk to me maybe you should try to talk to all of the children maybe they feel your favouritism towards the dd's.
Or maybe the other issues are clouding your fairness. But I think you need to try to be fair to all the family

[RandomMess]

I have 4 DC and have had to have various room combinations at times!

I would have the 3 boys in the largest room

or the DD and DS3 sharing the largest room so they could have a side each with a curtain for privacy and then there would be room for the eldest to share with her sister when she returned for holidays.

Whoever shares with the youngest has the issue that they go to bed so much earlier than the older ones. I would be beyond the 6 year old going to sleep in the parents bed and then sleep walking them to their room much later on.

[liz70]

" I have various combinations of them together but not all combinations work."

Point taken; so maybe not necessarily the youngest two boys but whoever gets on best together.

Also a screen to divide the larger room for more privacy if possible.

[LuciaInFurs]

Yanbu. Not it's not fair. My older sister was 16 sharing a room with a seven and five year old. She left as soon as she could.