Who is being unreasonable? Me or DP

[NotGonnaAnswerThePhone]

As most of us know it is Easter weekend this weekend. I work 9-5.30 Monday to Friday so have a long weekend off. Unfortunately my DP works nights in a call centre and is in all weekend. We have only lightly discussed it, saying that we will do the roast dinner and films and chocolate next weekend instead.

Here is a series of Facebook messages and I want you to tell me which of us is being unreasonable.

ME: urgh i hate PMT!!!!!

Just a general moan (which no, I don't do all the time lol) then a few minutes later I say: Bloody easter holiday on my lonesome. i'm gonna hate christmas this year :( (because DP has found out they are working that too, the easter thing got me thinking about Christmas) everyone will be having their nice lunch on easter sunday and ill be having a sandwich!

DP: I have to work. I know it's shit and I've said sorry. I know you've got pmt but can you not take it out on me

ME: I'm not I'm just moaning !

DP: I feel bad enough as it is, it's not my choice to work

ME: I'm just moaning silly, not taking my mood out on you

DP: Yeah well I took it personally seeing as you know how bad I feel about it

(DP hasn't expressed how bad they feel about working Easter)

ME: so now im in the doghouse for having a moan?!

DP: Pmt is not an excuse to start an argument with me. I'm not replying anymore (Gone offline)

Been together 3 years, live together etc no kids. I just feel its a bit harsh that I am having a moan then am being told off for having a moan and made to feel worse?!

I think you should apologise. You just laid a passive aggressive guilt trip on her for working - like she has a choice about it and is just doing it to ruin your lovely time off.

You say you weren't having a go, you were just having a moan, which is different. But you were having a moan about her, TO her.

So you're allowed to moan, but she's not allowed to tell you not to moan?

All kinds of unreasonable.

Still I know, I know. I think people post on AIBU as they genuinely can't work out whether its other people being unreasonable or they are. I think they rely on peoples comments and input to confirm either way. When people's comments are pretty in the middle you can still remain thinking "Im not being unreasonable"! If that makes any sense at all.

Yes Liney that was rather guilt trippy wasn't it. I do think her comments were quite mean compared to me having a moan though!

I have sent her a message

I am sorry, the last thing you wanna do is listen to me moan when you are the one who has to work. I didn't mean it as a dig though. Sorry baby. You've done lots to make sure I'm not bored on the weekend and I've just acted like a spoilt brat. Love you x

So I guess it's case closed

Well done, OP.

Wow.

We don't do Easter eggs or special meals (or Xmas for that matter - we often have beans on toast on 25th Dec because IT DOESN'T MATTER).

Honestly, all of the worrying things going on in the world and this is all you have to worry about.

It's a very 'woe is me' message. I'd have been annoyed tbh in a "what do you expect me to do about it?" way. And you called her 'silly'!

Good message.

But why does your partner do things to make sure you don't get bored when she's at work??

Disappointed OBVIOUSLY there are far more important things going on in the world to worry about.

Glad you sent a message. I think because you pm'd the moan directly to her and it wasn't just a random public status moan then of course she's going to take it personally. I'd be pretty peeved to be working and have DH who is off, moaning about it, i'm not personally responsible for his entire happiness, I'd expect him to crack on and entertain himself. The fact that she's left you some stuff to keep you occupied shows how thoughtful she is, maybe plan something nice for her after a crap day at work. Cook a dinner or something

Stoic She doesn't usually! We had things planned, but it later turned out that she couldn't get the time off. She came home two nights ago with some plant seeds and pots etc that I had been talking about getting (for the weekend seeing as she was working). I suppose it made her feel a bit better about working.

She also worked away last weekend which was voluntary - more money for us. However she didn't realise then that she couldn't have this weekend off

OP, just get rid of Facebook. Because you mentioned that post of DPs DS I had a look at your history and really, just delete it.

Firstly you seem to be very thin skinned and easily upset by things that happen on there. Why bother if it just upsets you?

Secondly, you do seem to view it as a bit of an outlet for rants and moans. Now if you do that once in a blue moon (like once a year) or when something major has happened (death of someone very close, serious illness) that's okay. But when you moan because your car's scratched you feel a bit under the weather or your a bit miffed about your partners working patterns it does get a bit wearing.

Nobody likes having to constantly moan about someone else's trivial problems especially when their problems are often worse and it won't be endearing you to your friends.

Seriously, you don't seem to get any fun out of it, just stress and anxiety. Just delete the bloody thing.

Good apology.

I'd message to say you're sorry you had a moan - that you're just disappointed because you love spending special event days with her, but it's a lot harder on her that she has to work [if finances are joint, then mentioning that you really appreciate her sacrifice in working that overtime for the both of you would be good].

DH used to have a job that meant he had to work either Xmas or NYe/NYD, every single year. He also had to work 14 hour days plus travel for the week my birthday fell in - we didn't have that day together for almost a decade. I know it's shit, but it's not a lot of fun for them, either, is it?

TBH, if someone complained to me because they had to watch telly alone over Xmas, because I was working, I would be livid. Especially when you don't have kids, so there is a genuine work imbalance on those days. I'm not saying that to be an arse, I'm just saying that you aren't really seeing it from her perspective, which is an easy trap to fall into but in my experience not one that's great for a relationship. You need each side to be the other's best advocate and biggest cheerleader, I think, or at least that's the ideal (we don't always manage it, obviously!).

Sorry, missed the apology. All's well that ends well then.

For you: because it can get lonely, I know.

If you're old enough to have a partner you're too old to be posting moany self-pitying crap like this on Facebook. You're not unreasonable to feel sorry you're spending a holiday alone but you are unreasonable to be behaving like a preteen on FB.

Oh I'm in the minority as I don't think yabu! i thought she was being over sensitive and when people love each other they don't see a moan as a personal dig? Good job I'm not in a relationship

I think yabu OP. Your partner is the one who actually has to go to work. You may be on your lonesome but at least you'll be at home, able to chill and do as you please.

I'd be arsey if my DP partner started moan about being on his own because I was at work

Well I'm on my own all weekend, husband left yesterday morning and won't be back until next Thursday evening. If I want a nice dinner on Sunday I'll cook one or go out - or I might lie on the sofa all day with my kindle/choc/wine - I quite look forward to time on my own - it's how you look at it that makes the difference

Thanks for your input Bill I am VERY sensitive which causes problems.

I'll be on my own with my son on Easter too. Didn't realise it was compulsory to have to spend Easter with somebody. You are being very unreasonable
I would also feel like you were taking it out on me.

Costa Yeah you're completely right. She works 4 nights a week so I am used to alone time and I usually enjoy it. She hasn't always had this job and we used to go away on Bank Holidays so it feels a little unusual

Not, I sympathise - DP works a job like this which has sometimes resulted in 3 or 4 days at home on my own, with him sleeping off night shifts during the day, in the past few years with a potentially bored and whiny child to entertain as well. It's not much fun. And it's not wrong to feel a bit sorry for yourself when you're wondering what to do, especially over something like an Easter weekend when other people have plans or things are closed.

It is better in the long run not to mean about it though. Not to say you can't express frustration, but it is very easy for the person you're moaning at to feel like you are blaming them, when it is their job and there's nothing they can do to make it better. So feel annoyed, feel a bit sorry for yourself if you want to (I certainly do from time to time!), but try not to complain too much about it. Unless it's got to the point where their job is having a serious impact on your relationship and you need to talk about it long-term, there's nothing to be gained from complaining or moaning than causing strain on the relationship.

Thanks Thurlow