To be completely fucked off with MIL?

[Shambalaa]

Ok so it's step mother-in-law, I get on well with MIL.

SMIL calls DP her son. She found out a month ago we are expecting. DP phoned to tell his dad but SMIL was too ill to come to the phone.

She hasn't called to congratulate us. DP finally called her today. She's fine, wasn't even very ill apparently. I heard the whole conversation as she has a loud voice.

She asked how he was, had a long chat about his health etc. Then asked how his DD is, chatted about her, then asked how his EX is and chatted about how her and DP are getting on.

She finally asks "so when's the baby due?" No congratulations, no how's Shambalaa? I was really upset by this point. DP told her then starts talking about me, she changed the subject and asked whether she should send some clothes for his DD.

Before saying goodbye she says to send her love to me...

DP has asked me what's wrong...

Sounds like you want a close relationship with her and she just doesn't feel you're that close.

I'd stop forcing it and definitely stop getting upset that people aren't behaving how you'd like'when they are not behaving badly.

Tbf I don't get it either. I can see where he is coming from.

She isn't overly interested in your pregnancy. Lots of people aren't. Especially second ones. Her step son is having his second baby.

I can tell you my mum was far less annoying giddy when I was pregnant the second time.

She liked his ex and still sees her. It sounds as if she doesn't like you. And that's ok because it's not necessary to be liked by everyone. Maybe you need to tone down your responses though and not get into a state because people don't behave in the way you think they should. You can't change her but you can manage your own responses better so she has less of an effect on you.

Does your partner have children with his ex? That's the only reason I can think why his stepmother would expect him to be getting on with his ex and concerned if she isn't. If your partner,s father congratulated you on the pregnancy i wouldn't expect a separate congratulations phone call from his wife. That sounds odd. If my husband congratulates his adult kids on something I don't phone them 5 minutes later and congratulate them too. That would seem odd and OTT to me. That's not how many couples work.
I just saw you mentioned he has a daughter from his last relationship who is small enough to be sitting on knees. Is he still married?
If you don't like her much I don't understand why you are so bothered about her approval.

So she asked about him, his daughter, her mother & then your pregnancy?

He has a daughter who has a mother!

If the daughter is talked about then the mother will/might be.

Do you think that you are the first one who should be talked about after him?

My MIL isn't interested in me (nor I her).

She probably asks my husband how I am at some point, but the conversation will be about him & the kids.

I don't care!

That he already has a child with someone else throws that someone else into the dynamic forever!

Yes, I think you're probably all right, I shouldn't really be bothered and yes I don't think she likes me.

I'm just feeling a bit over sensitive to the fact she just doesn't seem to care about the new baby or me at all and it's always going to be all about his ex and their DD, who she considers more important.

It's not so much her, I don't really care, I don't think she's a very nice person, it's more that DP just won't see it from my side.

She shouted at me at the dinner table on my first visit to their house when she passed pudding along the table to me and I passed it along to FIL at the end of the table to save her walking around.

DP didn't even raise an eyebrow.

Apparently

WishToBeWell I'm confused at your massive over reaction

What is wrong, or rude about asking how two people are getting on with each other, when they're in a position of co-parenting?

I'm just feeling a bit over sensitive to the fact she just doesn't seem to care about the new baby or me at all and it's always going to be all about his ex and their DD, who she considers more important.

The baby isn't here yet.

She may be very excited when it arrives.

Yes hopefully, I shall report back!

I don't think YABU...
My MIL totally favours DH's ex and mother of DSD. It fucking hurts.

YABU your baby is not the most important thing in everyone else's lives

It's also not the first granchild, so not as exciting to many people

Also, it's not your DP's fault, so taking it out on him is not fair

Shambalaa - I get that it's your DP's blindspot to her dislike of you, that you're unhappy with.

Allowing her to shout at you was not on. Did you say anything to stand up for yourself at the time? Did everyone ignore / permit it?

She may come around after the baby is here, she may not. You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

It's just weird because the rest of his family are great, really nice people and we get on very well. Even FIL is lovely. It's just SMIL for some reason.

She is a devout Christian and DP's ex is a member of the same denomination. I did wonder if this was why.

It's was embarrassing but no one said anything. She does this often to people she doesn't like which is why the rest of the family don't speak to her.

SIL once answered the door in SMIL's house as they were expecting BIL and SMIL went crazy. Needless to say SIL and BIL don't speak to her.

She is a devout Christian and DP's ex is a member of the same denomination. I did wonder if this was why

It could be, or it could just be that she doesn't particularly like you. I suppose given that you've only met her a few times and that you got together really quickly after your DP and his ex split up, it might take a while for both you and the 'situation' to grow on her.

But if the rest of his family are nice, I really wouldn't worry about it. You can't force people to like you...that happens over time.

We've been together two years

If I was you I'd forget about the phone incident, but sit your DP down and say:

"It's obvious smil doesn't like me. I'm thinking back to (meal incident). When she did X, I felt Y and nobody said anything. This made me feel Z. Her behaviour wasn't acceptable. If it happens again I'll be standing up for myself and I expect you to back me up."

Thanks Worra & Birth, that's good advice

Sounds like SMIL won't ever acknowledge you or your child - she may well heavily discriminate between your DP's first child and yours.
If your DP refuses to notice this then there could be a future problem and you may need to stop seeing SMIL.
You need ot have conversations now with your DP about no discrimination and equal treatment of granchildren.

My grandmother heavily discriminated between her grandchildren, it was horrible for everyone and I never spoke to her again after I was about 11.
Sadly, my father is now doing the same thing to his 3 grand children and my DD has been the big loser. He honestly couldn't see a problem so I cut contact.

Sounds like SMIL won't ever acknowledge you or your child

I disagree.

The OP has been with her DP for 2 years and has only met the SMIL a few times. I think they might eventually bond over the baby, if they meet up more often.

They might anyway.

it's more that DP just won't see it from my side.

As in so many of these type of posts - you've got a dp problem not a SMIL problem

Is it a 'DP' problem or a 'difference of opinion' problem?

If my DH sat listening to a telephone conversation between me and my Mum, and then got upset that he wasn't asked after in a certain order, particularly if my Mum assumed the conversation was private, I think my opinion on the matter would differ to his.

Maybe - but I got the impression it was a more general thing - I do think the phone call angst is ridiculous

I think you are over-invested in wanting her to like you and feeling over-sensitive about her interest in your DH's ex.

Just focus on your family (ie Dh and children). It shouldn't matter quite so much to you what she thinks. She'll most likely come around eventually, if you remain pleasant to her and don't get all in a huff.

I can see why you're hurt, it's not nice. But unfortunately you can't change the way people feel about you. It's her problem not yours, your DP is having a baby with you and is not going to leave you for his ex just because she's a bit rude. Don't let it affect you, just enjoy your pregnancy and don't give her the satisfaction of rising to it.