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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to assume no children?

73 replies

Onthedowns · 23/03/2016 21:06

We have recently received a wedding invite with just myself and DH named , am I correct in assuming as our children haven't been named they are not invited? Never been to a wedding with no children so unsure? It wasn't previously mentioned about no children so assuming now it isn't! (Childcare headache, Friday wedding day off work - grrrr )

OP posts:

ChopOrNot · 24/03/2016 10:50

Check. They may have forgotten the names of your children and meant to add before postinf., but forgot.
Or assumed you would be bringing. Or meant to add plus family.

Or it is childfree.

Stop fretting on the interweb and just ask them.

wheresthel1ght · 24/03/2016 10:52

I have had invites with just mine and dp's name on where the kids were invited too. I would just ring and check explaining that you aren't complaining just wanting to know what arrangements need to be made if they aren't.

My cousin looked at me sort of when I asked and told me of course they were invited and wanted to know why I would think otherwise. Failed to acknowledge Mumsnet addiction

Floggingmolly · 24/03/2016 10:55

How far should you second guess something that's written down in black and white, Chop? There's a very slight possibility that the names you hoped to see on the invitation aren't there because the writer "forgot" to write them, I suppose.
There's a far, far bigger chance that they weren't written because the kids aren't expected to be there.

LaConnerie · 24/03/2016 10:56

We cannot tell you. You need to ask the people that wrote out the invitation.

Don't know why but that really made me chortle

Knockmesideways · 24/03/2016 11:03

My friend got married last year and didn't include DS on the invitation. We would have to stay overnight in the area for the wedding and, as my mum has Alzheimer's and my sister was away, we rang to say I would go (my old work friend) and DH would stay behind with DS. "Oh, DS is invited, didn't we include him?" They'd just done the invitations on automatic pilot Anyway, we all went and had a great time.

If it's your DH's friend and child care is an issue I'd just call up to say DH is going alone as you can't get child care - it's a simply statement of fact and you'll probably find a few will go as singles because their partners can't get the day off or because of child care. Of course, before you do that you need to be sure that you could get the day off if your friends said "Oh bring the kids" otherwise it'd look like you're just making excuses if you throw getting the day off into the arena at that point.

Whether the venue is the size of Wembley Stadium and the couple can afford to feed an army isn't the point. Some people prefer to take their vows without the possibility of children crying or being shushed and sometimes they just don't want children hurtling about the dance floor. Their wedding, their choice. But it is also your choice not to go if it doesn't suit your circumstances. We've turned down a few invitations because DS isn't invited or it's too far to travel and have just said we can't make it. It's also possible that they've been mulling over whether to invite kids or not so didn't mention it earlier. For some people it's cut and dried, for others it's a big decision - amongst the five hundred other decisions they're making for their special day. Just go with the flow and if you can't make it, you can't make it.

AntiHop · 24/03/2016 12:36

I would check to be sure.

I have a rule that I don't go to midweek weddings. If it was a very close friend I would consider it. As for child free weddings, no chance. We've got no one who could babysit. When dd is older, maybe I'd hire a professional baby sitter. Luckily I've not been invited to any child free weddings since 18 month old dd was born. In your circumstances I'd say it's very reasonable for your dh to go without you.

ChopOrNot · 24/03/2016 13:43

How far should you second guess something that's written down in black and white, Chop? I suppose you cannot really. But if you have not specifically heard that it is child-free and you are not aware if the bride and groom are MNetters then it is a chance they are not aware that not naming the children may indicate they are not included.

Just like wheresthel1ght at recent wedding we had just our names on the invitation from a cousin. She too looked at us like when we double checked - and said of course DCs invited - she just assumed we would take it as read we are a family unit.

If they haven't got children themselves they may not realise the lack of their names will cause a question in the OP's mind. They may just assume that the DCs will be coming.

I think (to me at any rate) the assumption is DCs are included unless "child-free" is specified.

But all this waffling around is pointless. As PP said We cannot tell you. You need to ask the people that wrote out the invitation.

Chattymummyhere · 24/03/2016 13:54

I would say the children are not invited. We listed everyone on our invites and an invite I received only last week was addressed to Mrs Chatty, Mr chatty, Chattyboy, Chattygirl and Chattybump.

Only way to know for sure if to ring and ask, anyone who I couldn't remember all the children's names where addressed as Mr Y, Mrs Y and children.

EponasWildDaughter · 24/03/2016 14:09

Just ask.

They may have not put the children on the invite as an oversight. I did this with one of my invites.

I agree that if it is child free, and they're close friends and have spent the last god knows how many months discussing the wedding plans with you but never mentioned it then you'd be a bit confused.

Floggingmolly · 24/03/2016 14:23

Thank God they invited the bump, Chatty. You could have had a real dilemma on your hands there...

jalopyjane · 24/03/2016 14:31

I think it would be reasonable to ask if you could bring the baby along (even child free weddings often allow "babes in arms") but not the 4-year-old.

Depending on how well you know the couple you could just politely check you're right in thinking the children aren't invited, just so you can look into childcare options. (even if actually you know there aren't any childcare options for you!)

TheCrumpettyTree · 24/03/2016 14:37

We had a child free wedding but were perfectly happy for friends to bring their 6 week old.

Krampus · 24/03/2016 14:44

I would asume your children were not invited but worth asking in a polite way. Most of the weddings that I've attended were children that were close family, or had another special connection only.

KathrynL · 24/03/2016 14:47

My cousin is getting married in June, both her and her precious husband to be have stated that they don't want any children there, so I won't be going, on principle.

Throwingshadeagain · 24/03/2016 14:49

Not invited. (We also had child free wedding but would have said yes to any breast feeding mums.)

KathrynL · 24/03/2016 14:52

I personally think it's mean not to invite children to weddings and rather snotty if I'm being honest. I've been to tons of weddings and the children have always made it more bearable and to see everyone having fun being silly on the dance floor is always a highlight.

PurpleDaisies · 24/03/2016 14:54

I personally think it's mean not to invite children to weddings and rather snotty if I'm being honest.

You are entitled to hold that view. I don't agree at all.

Floggingmolly · 24/03/2016 14:56

The children have always made it more bearable?? Maybe for you, don't assume your kids made it "bearable" for everybody else!!! Probably quite the reverse...

TheCrumpettyTree · 24/03/2016 14:58

Oh don't be so over dramatic.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 24/03/2016 15:05

KathrynL That's fine. I think people who decide not to go to a childfree wedding because they genuinely can't afford or find a babysitter are perfectly normal people. I think people who refuse to attend a childfree wedding on principle because they think its mean and snotty are probably better off staying at home because they are hugely entitled in thinking it's up to them who should be invited to someone else's wedding, especially as it's the someone else who will be paying for them.

loveslily · 24/03/2016 15:10

As with everyone else, I would assume no kids.

My sister had this very dilemma last year. Although she actually stated (in a very nice poem) that it was to be adults only. We have a A LOT of kids in our family and it was too expensive to cater for them all. I think most people were fine with it although hers was on a Saturday so I sympathise with your situation what with it being a week day.

Twixthecat · 24/03/2016 15:33

I'd double check! But sounds like they're not invited. It would have named them or at least & family if they were.

We didn't invite kids apart from our 3 nieces to our wedding (due to the venue capacity we wouldn't have been able to invite some good friends if all the extended family etc brought all their kids, type of venue not really being child friendly & wanting a grown up party where everyone could let our hair down!) It was our big day and it was the type of do we wanted, from the outset we decided to ignore what everyone else thought we 'should' do, if they didn't like it tough don't come - so I'm afraid other peoples childcare hassle wasn't top of concerns! But made sure we spoke to family and closest friends before we sent invites to explain the situation first. Then made it very clear on the invite for the rest of the guests - saying sorry no children due to venue restrictions, but do speak to us if this is a problem. Most people were absolutely fine and welcomed the excuse to leave kids with babysitter/ grandparents for the evening/ night!

Not making it clear on the invite is a bit annoying. Just ask.

DisneyMillie · 24/03/2016 15:44

I don't think it should be automatically assumed it means no kids - just ask in a nice way.

I got an invite to my cousins wedding recently and it only had my name on. Happened to go to a family do a week later and they said they hoped we all (me, DP, dd and hopefully by then dd number 2) could come.

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