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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to assume no children?

73 replies

Onthedowns · 23/03/2016 21:06

We have recently received a wedding invite with just myself and DH named , am I correct in assuming as our children haven't been named they are not invited? Never been to a wedding with no children so unsure? It wasn't previously mentioned about no children so assuming now it isn't! (Childcare headache, Friday wedding day off work - grrrr )

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 24/03/2016 08:58

I wouldn't ask the host. I always think that's really rude and almost can guilt them into having to invite.

If your DC had been invited they would have been on invitation,

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 24/03/2016 09:07

We can't have a wedding invite and children thread in at least a week! Are they the most common topic on MN, or does it just seem like it?

When I was little (I am now 42) if my parents got an invite that said X, Y and StillDrSeth, I went. If the invite said X & Y, they got a babysitter or didn't go.

If someone says "Would you and Mr Downs like to come to dinner next Friday?" would you turn up with your children in tow? Of course not. So why should it be different for a wedding?

Original poster
Onthedowns · 24/03/2016 09:12

Being one of DHs best friends I would have thought it might have cropped up during conversation particularly as my son who is 3 weeks old , born prematurely and been lots of talking going on about the wedding. he would have known childcare etc an issue might have been nice for a heads up

OP posts:
IceMaiden73 · 24/03/2016 09:12

It's not always the cost that is the issue, but number constraints on the venue

Original poster
Onthedowns · 24/03/2016 09:14

It's a large venue!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 24/03/2016 09:14

he would have known childcare etc an issue might have been nice for a heads up

When is the wedding? Surely you still have ages to sort it?

Only1scoop · 24/03/2016 09:17

It doesn't really make a difference re the venue. It could be huge it's the B&G choice who they fill it with.

Is the wedding imminent? I'm thinking possibly not if you've only just had invite.

SuburbanRhonda · 24/03/2016 09:17

Maybe the OP means a "heads-up" so she can book time off work, which can be tricky depending on your job and the timing of the wedding.

OP, in your shoes, I would send your DH. I can't imagine weddings are much fun for a four-year-old unless they get to see lots of family they rarely see, and this doesn't sound like that kind of wedding.

RockUnit · 24/03/2016 09:21

I think the etiquette is to put the names of all those invited on the invitation, including children. So to me that says the invitation was only for you and your DH.

However, not everyone follows the same "rules", so there's a chance your DC are invited. Not helpful, I know!

Confused
Branleuse · 24/03/2016 09:26

YANBU to assume its child free wedding

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 24/03/2016 09:26

OP, with the best will in the world, the bride and groom probably have quite enough to be organising without it even entering their head to speak specifically to your or your DH about YOUR childcare issues. And similarly, the size of the venue has sod all to do with whether your children should be invited or not.

It's not about you, oddly enough.

weeblueberry · 24/03/2016 09:31

Definitely sounds like it's child free. In fact I'd assume so based on the invitation. When's the wedding?

nocabbageinmyeye · 24/03/2016 09:31

How much clearer than not putting their names on the invitation do you want it??? Confused They clearly aren't invited.

shoeaddict83 · 24/03/2016 09:42

don't agree children cost that much more money
sorry dont agree with this! My brother recently booked his wedding and most venues (especially hotel ones) told them regardless of age all guests would be charged the same (some venues were upwards of £70 p/h) if they had a seat. So a 4 year old in a chair would be charged the same as every adult which is ludicrous but common. So yes it does rack up costs for the bride and groom,and nearly every wedding ive been to lately has been childless for ceremony/breakfast and then they were invited to the evening reception instead.

If its unclear just ask what harm can a simple query do?!

mummytime · 24/03/2016 09:42

I would be fine about contacting the host about the baby, they often are an exception (and personally I wouldn't have left a 2 month old for a wedding - so if not wanted DH would have had to go by himself). But I'd definitely expect the 3 year old not to be invited.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 24/03/2016 09:46

I think your missing the point! Not saying it's their problem about childcare, I am saying it's odd that being one of DHs best friends it hasn't been mentioned that it's child free since its been planned for months and lots of other wedding related stuff been discussed. Plus my son has just left scbu after 3 weeks so I have had plenty to worry about also! The wedding is July and I think sending DH is a good option as we don't have anyone available to have both children( my parents are away whole summer). And as the rest of the wedding invite doesn't follow ettuquite then I wasn't sure

OP posts:
StillDrSethHazlittMD · 24/03/2016 09:47

Oh, we're missing the point are we....? Ahem.

PurpleDaisies · 24/03/2016 09:48

If the wedding is in July you have at least three months to organise childcare. That's plenty of notice. They didn't need to tell you in advance.

Only1scoop · 24/03/2016 09:50

Maybe he hadn't mentioned it as he knew it was going to be child free and felt awkward.

Maybe he just forgot.

Why are we all missing the point?

Dairybanrion · 24/03/2016 10:11

Sorry to hear your baby has just left scbu. That's tough there, that is.
It's a tough one isn't it, the etiquette. See, I would assume if kids names not on it then no your kids are not invited.
My close family members who have gotten married have always given us heads up regarding whether our ankle biters are invited or not. My sis getting married in July and....woo hoo...she wants all the children involved....Confused. I was really hoping they'd say no kids. I'd love a day off. Grin Boozing, dancing...whats not to like?
However, work colleagues, cousins etc have always just written names on invitations and have never mentioned kids. So yes I assume the kids aren't invited.
If the wedding is not until july then you are getting a heads up are you not? Could they have mentioned it earlier? I suppose that's debatable.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 24/03/2016 10:20

I would assume they are not invited.

That being said we've been invited to 2 weddings in the past where only our names appeared on the invite & I'd rsvpd that Bernard & MrBernard will be attending only to get quizzical looks & be asked where the DC are when we arrived.

Bluebolt · 24/03/2016 10:23

July for me on a Friday is short notice especially if it is near the end. Never be able to get holidays. But I would go with the invite implying no children.

Muskateersmummy · 24/03/2016 10:32

If it's a close friend I would just ask them. I don't think asking for clarity is guilt tripping at all. Ask dh just to check then you can make a plan.

likeawestern · 24/03/2016 10:38

For our wedding last year, dh and I addressed invites to adults then spoke to those with children individually and told them that it was up to them if they wanted to bring their children with them - I felt that putting children on the invite would make people feel obliged to bring them and sometimes it is nice to have a day off. So it doesn't necessarily mean no children ....

Floggingmolly · 24/03/2016 10:39

If the children were invited, the invite would state "John, Mary and family, at the very least. Some people pare their guest lists to the bone because of costs, to the point where some of their friends are relegated to evening only status a whole other can of worms
Why should they be expected to invite your kids?