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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can't go to weddings, nights out (BF again!)

56 replies

mikado1 · 22/03/2016 20:59

My 8no is ebf and a nonsleeper, more or less, after 10pm.... I have stopped counting but he's probably feeding up to 10times a night. I am saying this not to moan or for sympathy but to give full picture.

Thing is, it means evenings out are hard to manage-running home to feed and no sleep in the tank-so I have gone to a few things that I 'had' to but really I'm not too put out, this will only be for a short time etc. I have a wedding coming up, 3hrs away, I have expressed though I find it complete drudgery and sometimes don't get a drop and whadda us know, I have a bottle, and beaker refuser. My (sorry, v long) AIBU is, why am I made to feel it can't actually be this hard to sort things when in fact he's still v much reliant on me and I can't leave him home overnight while so faraway. I have had 'I'm sure he'll take it', 'Would you give formula?' (Dont understand that suggestion when he won't Take the bloody bottle!) And 'He's on solids now. I know I can't bring him but have to be at my very good friend's wedding so now my oh going to skip wedding and hang around hotel with him so I can feed. That's fine but I know I am being seen to be making a big deal out of it and making things hard for myself Hmm I don't care how anyone feeds their baby but really feel I'm being portrayed as difficult for ebf still. Surely when a baby is still so small people should understand that it's not always easy to get back to 'normal life', whether ff or bf?

OP posts:
Original poster
mikado1 · 22/03/2016 21:55

Funny sylvia He was sleeping 7-8hrs in a row between 2-4 months when it all reversed and I did nothing differently so please don't say I have given him the habit as he was doing great and I didn't change a thing. I have tried sootger and settle but he wakes 20mins later which is even more painful after the effort it takes! By 6months, after 2 hideous months, I stopped soothing and just fed on waking and often he will take a really good feed. I just don't have the energy to not feed him. Please dont add to the usual mummy guilt by saying he's not getting enough sleep! If it helps, he's back to sleep pretty quickly once fed!

OP posts:
Original poster
mikado1 · 22/03/2016 21:57

That's how I feel Head, a few more months. He's awake there now...off I go!

OP posts:
SylviaWrath · 22/03/2016 21:58

I was replying to Leanne with that comment.
I make those comments as someone who currently has a badly sleeping, ebf, 7 month old. All I'm saying is that you have to admit to the choices you make, thats all.

Dairybanrion · 22/03/2016 22:04

I had one who would not take any bottle. And, yes, I remember that frustration, that feeling that people dont 'get it'. But really I chose to keep it going. and it was my parenting choice etc.
I fed him for ages and to be honest with you, I told people I had stopped when I hadnt. Hmm
But at 6 months I went back to work and he just ate solids and he was fine. I fed him when i got home. Once i got over that hurdle I went out more often and left him with solids etc

Headofthehive55 · 22/03/2016 22:05

Sometimes it's not about the choices you make, but how easy baby accepts a bottle or finds it easy to feed by breast.

It's unrealistic to expect a mum to knowingly allow her baby to become distressed when she knows she can easily solve it. I just though there was no where I needed to be, no where, that was more important than the job I was already doing. A wedding? Pah, look at the photos! You've seen one, you've seen em all!

7Days · 22/03/2016 22:07

I remember those days well. It does pass. Would you be very disappointed to miss the wedding, or secretly relieved? Do what suits and remember everyone has an opinion on child rearing and none of them know your baby like you do.
Actually I don't remember them at all. Wad a blur. But they do pass.

Gisla · 22/03/2016 22:09

16 month old still feeds every couple of hours, even through the night. She can go longer than that, but she doesn't want to and it doesn't bother me. I actually find it's a brilliant reason to not do engagements that I don't really want to do anyway but otherwise may feel obliged to.

Gisla · 22/03/2016 22:13

They need to sleep more than an hour at a time, which they can't be doing if they feed ten times a night

Unless you bedshare and then neither of you really need to wake up for the baby to feed whenever they want to.

FlowersAndShit · 22/03/2016 22:19

An 8 month old needing to be breastfed up to 10 times a night? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Lisasmum3 · 22/03/2016 22:23

YANBU. I found the whole expressing thing such a faff that I only did it when going to job interviews when dd was 4-5 mo. No night out would have been worth the effort. Just say you don want to leave the baby yet. He's only 8 mo, that is still very little. My dd is 15 mo and I have not been out past 10 pm since she was born.

Only1scoop · 22/03/2016 22:25

If DC would take a bottle then would you have a relative that could have them overnight?

Only1scoop · 22/03/2016 22:25

Is the wedding imminent?

Ditsy4 · 22/03/2016 22:28

Have you tried getting someone else to feed? My friend was able to feed my baby but never if I was there! I did give her water and expressed milk occasionally from new born because I was going back to college. Two of the others were refusers and friend had worked in Maternity unit and was determined. Although I started her from new born initially I didn't do it often enough and so sometimes she refused. Friend took her for a few hours and after trying lots of teats had her feeding again. I then kept it up and went back to college when she was 11 weeks. My best friend had her then and as soon as I walked through the door she would refuse the bottle even if she had been feeding! Little minx! So I fed her during the night and early morning, BF had her from 8.30 -4pm and then I would feed her and take her home.
If wedding is a few months away then you could try leaving her(if you have someone) for an hour or two and get them to bottle feed. Baby won't take from you because he can smell the breast milk. At 8 mths they usually have a growth spurt and realise they are seperated from mum also when you said before it 2-4mthsafter will have been growth spurt and your milk quality changes around that time. Hope you can resolve it. Can you not just take him and nip out to breast feed that's what happened at a wedding we went to last year. It was very child orientated though. Lots of kids were there some had a sleep and then partied on dancing till the wee small hours. Good luck.

SquinkiesRule · 22/03/2016 22:32

If the wedding is a few months away I'd just wait and see how it all plays out before getting upset and stressed over it all.
All mine went though the needy attached feeding constantly thing. I did find that the more I stressed about it the worse it was. Once I surrendered to motherhood and went with it, they seemed to change their routine and sleep more. I swear they fed off the stress they caused me. Once that was gone, they relaxed too.

austounding · 22/03/2016 22:38

The crux of this is people pressing you about your decisions.

You don't have to explain the ins and outs of it to anyone.

Just be firm and polite on repeat:
"Things are complicated with his feeding so I'll have to ....xyz"
"I'd rather not go into it all, but it's been quite challenging, so I hope you understand"
"Yes, I know some 8 month olds cope fine at this age, but this isn't working for us"

And I say this as someone who is a bit bemused at your feeding regime - the point is, it doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks about it!

Pteranodon · 22/03/2016 22:42

I'm so grateful that most of my friends understand. I met some of them through La Leche League - you might enjoy a meeting (usually at someone's house, informal) if there's one near you. Horrible to feel no one understands.

IJustLostTheGame · 22/03/2016 22:43

Yanbu.
My baby was the same.
It's all very well to say leave them they'll be fine. But I knew I couldn't enjoy myself knowing someone would be having a hard time with my very distressed baby, and me being three hours away.

This stage really doesn't last forever though.

Marilynsbigsister · 22/03/2016 22:53

At 8 months this is simply not necessary. If you were poorly and had to go to hospital for three days and your DH (without the boobs and smell of mums milk nearby) would have him sleeping through the night inside 48 hrs..amazing what the little ones manage when there is no option.
In that case yes YABU as you are presenting it as a situation you cannot change but this is your choice and as so, is completely valid.

If you want to parent your child this way, if you are ok with the sleep deprivation and the inevitable consequences that can have on interpersonal relationships, the outings such as weddings that will have to be forgone and the inevitable annoyance of friends who miss your company, then crack on.

Your baby always, importantly, your choice.

fassbendersmistress · 22/03/2016 22:53

YANBU with regards to how you choose to feed your baby. Your family, your baby, your choice.

However, I do agree with Sylvia that you have to own this choice and accept it. And that means accepting that not everyone else will agree with it and people will have opinions (which you are at will to ignore).

This might sound harsh but (as per your OP) you are not "made to feel it can't actually be this hard". Nobody makes you feel anything. You are responsible for your own feelings. If that's what you feel, it's because you feel it, not because someone MADE you feel that way-own it. And stay home, skip one wedding and feed your baby and enjoy that knowing that it's not forever. If it really really does bother you feeding 10 times per night? Admit you are frustrated and do something about it....(or not, the choice is yours...)

SaucyJack · 22/03/2016 23:06

YANBU.

Life changes when you become a parent, and when you have a difficult, small baby it's quite reasonable that your priority is staying home and making sure they (and you!) get the best night's sleep possible.

Pubs and bars will still be out there waiting for you for when you come out the other side.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 23/03/2016 00:34

Friends might not be though. Friends might be really hurt that you considered EBFing an 8MO more important than their wedding. They might think that you care more about being a particular type of mother than being a particular type of friend.

And maybe you'll be hurt by that and say, fuck those bitches I don't want them as friends if they're like that. That's fine, that's your prerogative just as it's theirs to ditch you.

FWIW I would have made the choices you're making with DC1. But I didn't with DC2 because the physical and emotional toll it took wasn't just on me any more, it was on toddler DC1 as well. And I couldn't make them pay for my choices. So I bought some formula, gave DC2 to my wonderful mother for a couple of nights and we all began to function like human beings instead of sleep deprived vampires.

I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to take it easier on myself with DC1. I think I was younger and insecure and I had a very fixed notion of what The Best was and by fuck, I was going to be it. That was me and my hang ups, that's probably not you.

What I'm saying is that you are a friend as well as a mother and if your friend is a good one and you love her, you will regret not being there at her wedding. And with your OH too. But I don't think you'd regret leaving her with her granny and some formula. I didn't. I would have needed ADs if I'd kept obsessing for perfection.

Out2pasture · 23/03/2016 00:40

See the thing that you may not realize is your newborn can sense/smell mom. And they behave a certain way for you. By 8-12 months they know the sitter can't nurse them and usually will take fluids from others.

babba2014 · 23/03/2016 01:55

OP I know exactly how you feel. I keep saying there's me home for the next year once baby comes because with my LO I preferred to be home where I was comfortable feeding in all weathers. It was hard with social events which are many when you find yourself at the age of other people getting married, having kids too and so on. I put on hold visiting so many people who were three hours away as I didn't fancy feeding in their living room and at night wanted my own bed.

This was over 16 months of feeding and it got more towards the end! So when people say the first three months are okay but after that they cope, I don't see that. My LO loved her milk even if it was a bit at a time and I know nothing else was going to replace that before 12 months and we started weaning earlier than 6 months.

I didn't mind it. Of course it was tiring and I wanted sleep and it would be so much easier going to these events thinking she could do with water but I know she couldn't and I didn't want to but wish people saw that as my choice and many did and didn't make me feel bad for not being totally there. After a year it was easier and then got pregnant again so....

DessertOrDesert · 23/03/2016 03:36

Mikado isn't it tough when everyone thinks they know better. Don't go if you don't want to. No chance, I suppose, of Baby going with you, and then the pair of you collapsing into a hotel bed at 9,pm?

To those saying, go away, baby will be sleeping through for Dad in 48 hrs. You've never met my son, have you? 2 WEEKS of sleep training by me, and no go. Still waking multiply times a night - 18 months, so nothing to do with milk at that point. Nothing to do with me either, as DH had to look after him for a working week, and took some anual leave, as he couldn't cope with the lack of sleep. So maybe, it's the baby deciding - or forcing- some parenting choices.

MattDillonsPants · 23/03/2016 04:01

OP you need to ignore them. Nobody's in your shoes and they can't judge. Why is your partner planning on missing the evening do though? He could go couldn't he?