to think parents have no idea what goes on in schools

[dogsnotsprogs]

I am nearing my end of sixth form (A Levels) and I was just thinking that parents might not understand the pressures school gives children/young people as well as what goes on, on a daily basis.

I am just going to give a few examples of what has happened in my years at a state comprehensive school.

1. A boy (think this was year 10/11 so 15/16 years old) came into the classroom at lunch with a vibrator/dildo and was waving it about before he ran up to this boy (same age) and rammed the vibrator near his asshole through his school trousers. The second boy told his mum and then the first boy nearly got arrested for sexual assault. Nobody cared about the second boy and people started to dislike him, as the first boy was suspended for a week.

2. I know a lot of parents worry about porn / the Internet. I was aware of porn and sex for pleasure rather than to pro-create, at about 11? Boys had it on their phones and were sending it to each other.

3. I don't know if you've seen the videos on Facebook but there are some gore/shock sites that contain images of weird fetishes, gay porn, infected vaginas and Mexican men getting beheaded with a chainsaw. We (us being my year group) saw these pictures and gross videos so much throughout year 10-12 and still today. We have become desensitised to violence, sexual violence and gore.

4. I watched my first horror film (rated 15) at 6 years old, as did most of the people at school.

5. Swearing is frequent. Now I'm in sixth form it's also used more commonly by teachers who we call by their first names.

6. Seatbelting and peanutting someone? Does this still happen?? Seatbelting someone is where you pull as hard as you can on their backpack and hopefully usually they will fall to the ground. I saw someone have their bag completely ripped from the handles earlier today. Peanutting someone is (if they wear a tie for uniform) pulling/tugging in their tie so the knot gets super tight and is often impossible to get off.

7. Teachers have thrown stuff (chairs etc) at students.

8. A girl in my GCSE English class got drunk in the double lesson after drinking vodka in full view of the teacher.

9. The majority of people in my year lost their virginities at around ages 13/14 and some have up to 12 partners at the age of 18.

Was it like this in your day? AIBU to think you are unaware of this sort of thing occurring in your child's school?

BTW - My school is shit, I know that.

There's loads more but I can't think!

PS girls will be future leader too of course!

Basically, the porn is an issue because the nature of porn has changed from just objectifying women to actively degrading them. Women are often portrayed as experiencing, and appearing to enjoy high levels of violence and even in the tamer stuff there's a huge lack of consent. Often women in porn begin by saying no and struggling only to 'give in ' and enjoy it. teaching boys that all women want sex and all boys should too no matter what, teaching girls that they should put up with pain or not say no.

This also goes with the way that schools don't tend to teach pleasure and consent in sex ed. They would rather pretend sex and alcohol doesn't happen than make sure that when it does, it happens safely.

I left sixth form three years ago, and I personally feel let down by the school in the ways they dealt with sexism and students struggling.

We would joke about people with downs syndrome, watch horrible films as a sort of test of your coolness, drink at school constantly - a water bottle each of vodka for me and my friend in our exams. My boyfriend threw me around and others saw and testified, but I was still called into a meeting for distracting him from his studies. I self harmed and they told my dad and left me to it (only stopped when I gave birth to my daughter) and whenever teachers tried to help change or inspire children they were often criticized for not following the curriculum or being too 'involved '

As with the privatisation of many schools, they're becoming a business that focuses on academic results and forgets about the kids. That's why I'm studying to be a teacher :/

Jadifer Re "I left sixth form three years ago, and I personally feel let down by the school in the ways they dealt with sexism and students struggling."

Please, please might you consider writing to your school and tell them this. What have you got to lose. Explain to them how they let you down and ask if they are still letting their students down in the same way.

Re "My boyfriend threw me around and others saw and testified, but I was still called into a meeting for distracting him from his studies." I am so sorry to hear this. Might it help your self esteem to tell the school how badly hey got it wrong?

Re " I self harmed and they told my dad and left me to it (only stopped when I gave birth to my daughter) and whenever teachers tried to help change or inspire children they were often criticized for not following the curriculum or being too 'involved '" I am so sorry that you experienced all this and I hope you are in a better place. I really think young people at school need to speak up and speak out. Do it anonymously if you must but do it. tell the school what it was like. Make it better for when your daughter or son goes to school.

Re "As with the privatisation of many schools, they're becoming a business that focuses on academic results and forgets about the kids. That's why I'm studying to be a teacher :" Well done, make a difference where you can.

The school had since changed to an academy under completely different control and I get the strong feeling they would just point this out and I would feel very silly :/ x

Jadifer your call. But my kid's school became an academy (primary) about 2 years ago. Can't say much has changed.

Whatever is best for you, do it, but do remember they can't make you feel silly, it's not in their power. If you feel silly it is because you've bought into any negative feelings they may have, and are projecting onto you. You would be allowing that - I know it is hard to learn and it takes a long time, I'm 51, probably older than your mum!

I think expressing how you feel about what happened might be empowering, if you did it as a letter etc you would not need to even see their faces! but as I say, your call .

Can I just ask, are you the OP?

All best wishes.

Well it's over 15 years for me, but yes, sounds exactly right!
Except for the porn, we only had mags and the odd vhs
I went to a good school but this all happened though not a lot of it to me thankfully.
I don't op was being rude, not all parents would believe it, mine certainly wouldn't
I feel sad that not much has changed, especially in regard to reducing teachers to tears. My one lesson always descended into chaos. I was so glad when we got to pick our own studies so i could drop it and get away from certain students. I felt so sorry for the teachers.

I can't believe that porn mags or even videos are remotely what kids can view today - let alone live paedophilia.

It's infuriating that MPs are in denial about the bullying of teachers and think making teachers tick boxes and fill in reams of paperwork will improve education when what it blatantly needs, and always has, is money spent on dealing with the disruptive kids.

st completely agree. Two teachers at my school Had breakdowns really wasn't surprised as there were some really unpleasant kids in my year. Made numerous kids ( including mine) and teachers lives a misery. I knew people who took overdoses because they were so fedup of the bullying.
I've carried that anxiety with me.

I do agree about kids fibbing about what they got up to!
Some were def having sex at 12-15 but others weren't.
I didn't till i was almost 17, some of my friends were bit younger, some older.
Yes there were kids getting drunk or stoned every night after school.
My friends and i weren't though.
I had alcohol at 13, but it was a few alchopops at new years.

st prob misred some of your post, so apologies if i have but it is easy to have porn on your phone. You only have to google it to get it.
I don't agree that all porn is damaging or sexism though, some, but not all.
Kids should be taught all aspects of relationships though, as someone mentioned above.
I think they also need to be advised about sexting and porn.
I know some parents may not like it, but this is the world we live in now.

kalire "I knew people who took overdoses because they were so fedup of the bullying. I've carried that anxiety with me."

I am so sorry to hear this. Please get some help. I had CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for anxiety, on the NHS refereed via my GP and it worked very well) - not related to bullying.

Re"I don't agree that all porn is damaging or sexism though,". Can you explain what porn you think is not sexist? Are you thinking of erotica or actually of porn?

Re "I know some parents may not like it, but this is the world we live in now."

IMHO, it's only the world we live in because we allow it to continue. It doesn't have to be like this, it really doesn't. And porn is not an every day reality for everyone. There is plenty of life without porn. And there are plenty of people who want to fight bullying and sexism and make the world a better place. It doesn't have to be like this.

Maybe we need to start investing in things that make the situation better for women and girls. Share this link, please.

www.ijreview.com/2015/10/458511-if-you-see-a-woman-carrying-this-coin-sized-item-heres-what-it-means/?utm_source=email&utm_medium=owned&utm_campaign=morning-newsletter

Please watch the video at the bottom, it's super cool. There are devices to help us and there organisations working to increase empathy and decrease violence.

So don't give up hope!

I left school in the late 80s and you experience sounds similar t mine. It is amusing how each generation think they are the first to experience everything.

Nothing in your op shocked me, I could probably add a few more ( & I left school years ago )

To add to my previous post, don't delude yourself into thinking parents don't know what happens amongst teens in or out f school. I am a parent to teens, believe me we know far more than you realise.

Well, you're a bit of a tell tale aren't you?

Sorry, just kidding.

It honestly sounds as if not much has changed since I went to school. Obviously though, I'm hoping that by the time my little one is old enough for secondary school, sex, drugs, porn and bullying will no longer exist!

Every now and then, as a parent, your reminded of some sort of hi-jinks that you got up to in your youth (that seemed like so much fine at the time) and your hair absolutely curls in terror at the thought of your little darling doing the same. There should be a name for this experience.

1-4 and 7-9 were not what I experienced thank goodness. I am sorry that your school is not a positive environment ............ hope you find people, places and experience that are better now and in the future.

ifgrandmahadawilly, my2bundles, and SurferJet - Teachers have thrown stuff (chairs etc) at students., aware of porn ... at about 11, I can't believe that access to the sort of porn was available when you were at school unless you are almost as young as the OP, mobile phones were not every day items until around 1997 or there abouts and they weren't web enabled then. But if this really is the case, and your schools were like this, I am sorry your schools were so bad, that sounds terrible.

I stil feel schools are worse today. I think that things have changed and we are fooling ourselves if we think they have not. Maybe we want to feel it was just the same in my day to reasure ourselves nothing has changed. Maybe what we should be asking is is this, that the OP has described acceptable? I'd say definitely not.

I'm 31, so it's been a good 13 years since I was at school but there was lots of porn around then. Of course, we didn't have smart phones but lots of people had the internet.

Yes, teachers threw things at kids at my school. Yes, people got drunk in lessons (including me). People were having sex, taking drugs, experimenting.

Lots of 'shocking' things happened at my school. Just off the top of my head I remember: My best friend at 14 was having an affair with our other friend's step dad. A girl had to leave our sixth form because she had gotten engaged to our math's teacher. My Kickboxing instructor was having underage sex with teen girls from our class and broadcasting it via webcam - a few months later he ended up teaching P.E. classes at our school, where some of those girls were pupils. We held our sixth form socials at a local pub on Thursday nights, so on Fridays, half the class would be off with hangovers. There were parties where group sex took place - thinking back, some of that wasn't exactly consensual. One girl, a few years below, tried to slit her wrists on a school trip and was sent home, bulimia was rife. We were all really into S&M fanfiction about Buffy and Angel and the x-files.

The school I went to wasn't even a bad school. I got good marks. Teenagers are curious and will experiment. Always have, always will.

Oh yeah, three way kissing was the big trend at my school. It was an all-girls school.

ifgrandmahadawilly that sounds awful.

How very sad.

Or are you just pulling my leg? It sounds utter shit to me.

You are a lot younger than me, I am 51 so you are much closer to the OP than I am to you in terms of age.

The fact you say it so matter of factually sounds just awful to me. That you think group sex sessions and people being coerced into sex and teachers having sex with pupils and web caming it is all so normal. I think you might have been more affected by your 'education' if you take all that in your stride and think it is all normal and acceptable!

"Teenagers are curious and will experiment." and "There were parties where group sex took place - thinking back, some of that wasn't exactly consensual."

That's not experimentation, it's rape.

"My Kickboxing instructor was having underage sex with teen girls from our class and broadcasting it via webcam - a few months later he ended up teaching P.E. classes at our school, where some of those girls were pupils." Did no one think to report him?

Truly if this is real you were very badly let down by your school.

ifgrandmahadawilly ps I am not really doubting this happened, I am more surprised that it seems to bother you so little and you seem to take it in your stride. May I ask if you are make or female, please?

Moreorless same happened when I was school - Non mixed so can't comment on sexual stuff but I lost my Virginity at 14 (almost 15 though) and even in convent which was school after most girls lost it by 15-16 got caught with porn mags and several girls got pregnant!

Porn films yes friends saw at 14,violence same all the freddy films and some "snuff" films later when they were first released.

Violence was atrocious in my first school I had my head smashed against a wall by a violent girl (who was expelled) and hair set on fire a few years later with lighter. After that I went to fee paying convent where there was still bullying and violence but because you paid it got nipped in the bud. At the other school which had kids from ghettos head of year and headmaster refused to expel the violent ones. This was in early to mid 1980s.

So obviously nothing has changed apart from easier access to porn, violence etc.

Other than the Internet porn (it was porn mags bought in) it sounds similar to my school 30 years ago.
Kids getting bricked
Teachers getting bricked
Teachers shagging students
Teachers punching kids

Every boy had a knife
Sex from 12 for some girls
Pregnancies from 14

This was a naice Suburb school

catfart our school well one was naice the other wasn't we straddled a posh naice south east London suburb which in itself straddled pockets of vair rough south east London parts... My mum didn't move but I'm almost wondering why she didn't now!! And my nana who was very well off paid for some of my education but not all and not for my brother. There were no options re schools either all were rough as arses to various degrees.

A girl I know got sexually assaulted and violently beaten by another gang but had to return to school.... No prosecution either I think! She's now a journalist happily married with kids (she frets about the eldest boy being worried tho). A lot including me left school at the earliest opportunity and didn't look back. We were also gcse Guinea pigs which was great for school but put untold pressure on us!

Same old, same old. All sorts of sex and violence and drugs when I was at school. I'm 49.