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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to stay here?

48 replies

Lostpenguin · 22/03/2016 07:34

3 years ago my DP bought this house, at the time we'd been together 1.5 years. We'd agreed we would live together as long as I'd got a job (I wasn't working at the time) My DP found houses to go and view and then went with his mum and dad (which I thought was a bit weird seen as I was going to be living there but as I didn't have anything to offer financially I didn't really feel I could say anything) so he bought this house and did all the paperwork and made it so that if anything happened to him the house would go to his parents. The first time I saw the house was the day we moved in and tbh I didn't like it but I was just glad to be moving out of a shit area and moving in with him. 3 years on I still don't like it here, the house needs a LOT of work doing to it but nothing has been done, I don't feel very motivated to do anything as it's not my house and he's not really bothered. I used to pay half of the mortgage but now pay all food and bills instead so I just feel like I've got nothing! If we split or if anything happened to him me and DC (he's not the father) would essentially be homeless. I want to move into a house we own jointly but he's not interested. I feel like we're not really that together and I'm just here living in his house. AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:

Ifailed · 22/03/2016 07:37

let me guess, you do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc as well?

sooperdooper · 22/03/2016 07:39

Well if you bought a house together do you have half the deposit to put towards it? I'm not sure why you think you should've been entitled to any of the house you hadn't paid anything towards? It going to his parents seems logical - did they help financially?

Original poster

Lostpenguin · 22/03/2016 07:44

Yes I do all cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. Am I an idiot!?
Yes if we were to buy a house together I have half of the deposit. I don't feel entitled to a house I haven't paid towards, I was paying towards it until Jan this year (half of the mortgage) but now I pay for the food and bills instead. No the parents didn't help financially.

OP posts:

Ifailed · 22/03/2016 07:49

you are not an idiot, but it's time for an adult to adult chat with DP. Good luck.

pollyblack · 22/03/2016 08:05

I don't think it makes a difference that you buy the food and bills rather than the mortgage, surely you are "contributing to the pot".

With regard to housework etc that's a whole different debate. I don't see why you'd have any entitlement to this house as it is his.

Have you told him you want to invest in property. I'd say you are not happy with the house or the fact that it is his. If he doesn't care do you want to be with him? there is an adult conversation to be had there. If you want to stay with him and he won't budge- could you buy a small flat as an investment and rent it out?

But really... why is he not considering your feelings?

Original poster

Lostpenguin · 22/03/2016 08:06

I've tried talking. He just shrugs it off mostly, sometimes says he will put my name on mortgage but he won't (don't think this puts me in a better position anyway does it?) In regards to cleaning etc, I have to do that. He REALLY doesn't care if that doesn't get done, he thinks if you're the one bothered about how the house looks you should take care of it. I don't think there is any solution to that attitude really other than LTB!? Ha!

OP posts:

Crabbitface · 22/03/2016 08:08

If he can not see why you need to feel like you are an equal partner in all aspects of your relationship then you might need to think about whether you want to continue this relationship. He is paying into an investment- ultimately he will have a substantisl return on his monthly outgoings. You on the other hand are paying for everything that had no return for you. If he is unwilling to allow you to financially invest in the home that is up to him but by paying for ALL food, bills etc you are coming off worse. I think it's time to have a serious talk about the future of your relationship and how he views you and your children. If something happened to him you would literally have no rights and nowhere to live. If I really loved someone, i would never allow this to happen.

KatyN · 22/03/2016 08:10

Moving house costs a lot of cash.. We spent nearly £20k selling and moving last year so it might not be realistic for you. However you do need to talk to your partner and ensure there is provision for you long term. Fwiw when my partner moved in with me to a new house he has no financial involvement, not on the deeds etc. I bought the house outright and wanted to protect my assets until we got married. We signed a living together agreement from cab to make it really clear.
Could you but somewhere else to rent out as an investment for you and your children??

Ifailed · 22/03/2016 08:10

I'm afraid you've answered your own question.

Crabbitface · 22/03/2016 08:13

That kind of attitude - i dint mind the mess so I'm not tidying is total bullshit. When you choose to live with other human beings you can not opt out of keeping your environment clean and tidy. Particularly when children live there too. From what you've written here he really does not see you as his "partner". I couldn't live like that but then i don't know what his good qualities are.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 22/03/2016 08:19

OP do you work full or part time now? If I was in this situation I have to say I'd start looking for properties for myself and dc. Could you buy a property in your own name? I own the house that dp and I live in and it's entirely in my name. I've made no provision for him in my will but that's because I was here a long time before he moved in. Maybe you should start looking at securing your and your dcs future as your dp seems to have taken care of his

Goingtobeawesome · 22/03/2016 08:21

Does he feel if it bothers you, you should take care of it about just the house or everything...?

bloodyteenagers · 22/03/2016 08:27

I would be putting the money that was being spent on the mortgage away in to savings with the goal of moving out.

I couldn't live with a man child. I couldn't live with someone that doesn't respect me. I couldn't live with someone so bone idle they don't do a thing.

No wonder his parents went house hunting with him. They got fed up of him as well

ohtheholidays · 22/03/2016 08:33

He should have put your name on the deeds when you started paying half of the mortgage and I can't believe he told you you'd have to work for you both to live together Old romantic he's not OP and choosing it with his parents and not letting you have any say!

So you've been together 4.5 years then?Don't waste any more time on this man you sound really nice and you and your children deserve far better than what your putting up with now.

Stay with him and this could be your life for the next 50 years leave him and your only have yourself and your DC to look after,you can live somewhere you all love and if you stay in this relationship you could be missing out on having a relationship with someone amazing.

Life's to short OP and none of us know how long we have so I say make the most of it and make yourself happy

Original poster

Lostpenguin · 22/03/2016 08:36

I work part time 20hrs but do average 10hrs a week overtime too. I don't know how this will affect me getting a mortgage. I thought about just getting my own place but never thought about renting it out, this is potentially a good idea, I would have to save up some more money first as I don't have enough for a deposit by myself. Crabbitface - his good qualities are that he seems like a decent man from a decent family and I do love him but I honestly don't know if my judgement is clouded from years in a violent & emotionally abusive relationship.
I really don't know if I'm being stupid living here like this, sometimes I feel like I'm just being a mug. Things like, we have no flooring downstairs and all the upstairs carpets haven't been replaced since we moved in and I really want us to sort it out and he's just spent £3000 on a mountain bike when he already has two (I am willing to pay towards all carpets too btw) that isn't normal is it!? I don't think this is a partnership but I don't know what it is!?

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 22/03/2016 08:52

I can't believe he told you you'd have to work for you both to live together

I wouldn't live with someone who wasn't working so couldn't contribute, would you?

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 22/03/2016 08:53

Look, I'm not saying it's the same but I bought a house which me and ex-p lived in together. I had serious reservations about our relationships so I bought it solely in my name and paid the mortgage myself. He paid bills. He constantly wanted to be put on the mortgage but as I became more and more sure that he shared my doubts over the relationship it felt like he was trying to get some handle on my capital in preparation for our break-up; capital I felt he had zero claim over, as I bought the house with inheritance from a close family member's death.

I'm not saying I did right, but is your fear over this perhaps based in the fact you're not too confident in your future together?

My feeling was that mine and ex-p's "out of pocket" financial outlays each month were about even in relation to our salaries, so I believed our arrangement was fair. He couldn't have lived anywhere cheaper without me so could have been putting away savings of his own, and I felt he had no right to be accruing a claim in the house. Is your financial outlay fair compared to his, and proportional to your earnings? Should you really be paying for all the bills and shopping do you think? Or does that leave you more out of pocket that him? (By out of pocket I mean for him he is only out of pocket THE INTEREST on the mortgage.)

If you believe there's some distance left in this relationship I strongly advise you be saving an amount each month that is comparable to what he's gaining in investment in the house. But that relies on you both having a fair arrangement for current outgoings, which he would have to agree to. If you can't get that from him I suggest you get out before you start to feel your financial position means you can't get out.

CheesyWeez · 22/03/2016 08:58

I think you've posted because you know something has to change.
Protect your financial interests OP!
I think your DP will still be living there In fifty years, with the same carpets down, in a house you don't even like, that you don't own. Carrying on saving for a deposit for your own place.
You can go and live somewhere else, that you like and makes you happy, and you can visit him when you feel like it. But don't do his housework Perfect

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 22/03/2016 08:59

Oh, and by "get out", I don't necessarily mean break-up. Primarily I mean not live together until you can both fully commit to that in a situation that makes you both happy.

suzannecaravaggio · 22/03/2016 08:59

You do the domestic work and pay the bills in return for a roof over your head, sort of live in maid
He doesn't want an equal partnership he wants someone who is beholden to him and has to serve him.

If you moved out he would rot in his dirty crumbling investment, or he might try and find another live in maid
can you afford to?

Crabbitface · 22/03/2016 09:47

Here's the thing - by paying ALL of the bills and food the OP IS contributing to the mortgage in a round about way. If the mortgage is £600 a month and she is paying £600 per month for council tax, phone bills, electricity, gas and food. Then he is a sneaky bastard - because she is paying half, as much as if she paid £300 to the mortgage and £300 toward bills etc.

The problem here is not so much that the boyfriend wishes to protect his investment - it is that he is unwilling or unable to compromise. There is an option to a) Add the OP's name to the deeds and change any will to reflect her contribution. Any large deposit could be taken from the investment and returned to him (or his parents) but any profit made from the time Op started contributing should be shared. b) Cash in on his investment and start again with OP in a house that she likes.

But his inflexibility runs deeper than just financial - his unwillingness to Help with the housework and his unwillingness to make the house more hospitable tells me that he perhaps enjoys having the superficial parts of family life and enjoys having someone to look after him, but that he does not want the responsibility of being part of a real family.

You say he is "good man from a good family" but I do think your perception may be somewhat skewed by previous experience - absence of violence does not mean he is good or good for you.

Ultimately if you were childless all of this would perhaps be less important - but you have a responsibility not only to provide a safe, happy and secure future for your children but to model positive relationships and show them that they should never be a second class citizen in a relationship.

Good luck.

suzannecaravaggio · 22/03/2016 09:57

Yep he's done a number on you
You are paying into his investment, he's your landlord, siphoning your hard earned money into his appreciating asset

EatShitDerek · 22/03/2016 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icanteven · 22/03/2016 10:00

Under these circumstances, it doesn't sound you should be living together unmarried. You have a child of your own to protect financially and to prepare for. If you are not married, not contributing to the mortgage and not protected financially in any way regarding your home, you are not building up any sort of financial security for yourself or your child, and your child is your first priority, or should be.

You would be better off moving out and buying a one bedroom apartment on your own and building up your own equity.

Don't live with this man again until you are married and have your name on the deeds.

If he doesn't want to do that, and you choose to continue living with him then you are letting yourself and your child down.

ohtheholidays · 22/03/2016 10:07

No flooring and £3,000 on a bike OP you've answered your own question right there about this being a relationship.

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