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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to stay here?

48 replies

Lostpenguin · 22/03/2016 07:34

3 years ago my DP bought this house, at the time we'd been together 1.5 years. We'd agreed we would live together as long as I'd got a job (I wasn't working at the time) My DP found houses to go and view and then went with his mum and dad (which I thought was a bit weird seen as I was going to be living there but as I didn't have anything to offer financially I didn't really feel I could say anything) so he bought this house and did all the paperwork and made it so that if anything happened to him the house would go to his parents. The first time I saw the house was the day we moved in and tbh I didn't like it but I was just glad to be moving out of a shit area and moving in with him. 3 years on I still don't like it here, the house needs a LOT of work doing to it but nothing has been done, I don't feel very motivated to do anything as it's not my house and he's not really bothered. I used to pay half of the mortgage but now pay all food and bills instead so I just feel like I've got nothing! If we split or if anything happened to him me and DC (he's not the father) would essentially be homeless. I want to move into a house we own jointly but he's not interested. I feel like we're not really that together and I'm just here living in his house. AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 22/03/2016 10:07

This person is not a partner. I'd find another place to rent with my kids. You're a lodger who does all the work, pays the bills and has fewer rights than a real lodger with a contract, in fact, none at all.

Don't pay for investment into the property. Move out. Do the Freedom Programme, too.

suzannecaravaggio · 22/03/2016 10:07

he's just spent £3000 on a mountain bike when he already has two
He wants the perks of a single life and the benefits of a relationship, its all upside for him and downside for you
Why are you staying in a situation like this..what's in it for you?

Crabbitface · 22/03/2016 10:09

eatshitderek Did you read it? - she is paying to live there - quite a lot as it happens. The issue is not that she isn't paying or doesn't want to pay- but that like him she wants to be able get a return at some point in the future.

EatShitDerek · 22/03/2016 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chlobee87 · 22/03/2016 10:24

Sorry to say it OP but this man has no respect for you. To be honest you don't sound as though you are head over heels in love with him either so I'm wondering if you are just scared to be alone or start again (not judging - I've definitely been there myself). The fact is, he's making sure his own future is secured at the detriment of yours. He's happy for you to contribute financially but for all the long term gain to be his. Whether he says your money is for bills or food or mortgage, it doesn't matter. You are paying into the household pot. He's just being underhand and making sure that his asset grows whilst you are just throwing money away each month. Nobody who has respect for their partner would want to put them in a vulnerable position like this. He's taking advantage. Please, please do not spend any of your money on improvements to the house. Whether that's new carpet, paint, whatever. All this is doing is increasing the value of his asset. You will not see that money again. He will. Effectively, you are renting from him so let the responsibility for repairs and improvements be his, as it would be for any other landlord. If it were me, I would be saving like mad and move out as soon as possible. You deserve better.

expatinscotland · 22/03/2016 10:28

You're behaving as if he is doing you a favour by allowing you to live there.

suzannecaravaggio · 22/03/2016 10:31

Op, to him you are a lodger with benefits

expatinscotland · 22/03/2016 10:33

'Op, to him you are a lodger with benefits'

Housekeeper, too. He's quid's in, too, doesn't have to pay any bills. If you weren't there paying the utilities, council tax, food, WiFi, I'll bet he'd find it harder to spend £3000 on a mountain bike.

MadisonMontgomery · 22/03/2016 10:37

Even if he put you on the deeds, do you really want to stay with him? Maybe you would be better off saving a deposit and moving out to a place of your own.

suzannecaravaggio · 22/03/2016 10:42

He is leveraging his house ownership to enable him to freeload off of you

TwoKettles · 22/03/2016 10:46

I do like the idea of you trying for a property of your own, safeguarding your kids' futures

SugarplumMary · 22/03/2016 10:54

The guy was paying half the mortgage and half bills to live there too. That was his point too, that he was paying into something nd getting fuck all back

I remember that thread too - they both had children but not with each other he got more of a mixed response I think.

I do remember the buy a yourself a property and rent out idea was mentioned to him as well.

wotoodoo · 22/03/2016 11:15

This is a tragic situation. You are doing all the work and paying bills too for no return if something happened to him, you'd be out on the street!

Stop paying the bills! Save your money for your own place! If he fusses say you clean, tidy, do the laundry, cook that's more than enough recompense for living there!

Please op, him having money for mountain bikes etc and you struggling wtf??

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 22/03/2016 11:41

Reading through the comments and the OP's postings I think she really needs to have a think about what she really wants from this relationship. Your dp made it pretty clear he was buying the house on his own and it doesn't look like he's changed his mind that it's very much his house.

I really suggest you start putting your dc and yourself first; secure your future and you'll be able to see your relationship with dp more objectively.

Good luck x

leelu66 · 22/03/2016 12:16

sooperdooper

Well if you bought a house together do you have half the deposit to put towards it? I'm not sure why you think you should've been entitled to any of the house you hadn't paid anything towards? It going to his parents seems logical - did they help financially?

So it's fine for OP to continue to pay all bills, food costs, work part-time, take care of the kids, clean and cook - BUT - she should not be entitled to a share of the house she is living in?

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 22/03/2016 12:30

she should not be entitled to a share of the house she is living in

leelu I honestly don't believe she should be entitled to half the house she is living in by default. They are not married and he bought a house. He bought a house. Who cleans it is irrelevant; if she doesn't want to clean it, don't clean it.

However it doesn't sound like the division of paying for things is on at all here. Say the mortgage is £600; say the interest portion is £200 and the repayment portion is £400. Say the bills and food also come to £600. Now if you want a 50/50 split (which I'm not saying would be fair - in fact I think it wouldn't be if you earn different amounts, work different hours to accommodate childcare/housework etc.), you should be paying half of the bills+interest each, NOT half the bills+mortgage each. Otherwise you're paying for him to buy a house.

In this example with a 50/50 split you should be paying £400 per month not £600.

Crabbitface · 22/03/2016 12:52

I think people who are saying she is not entitled to a share in the house are missing the point. Her partner is offering her a choice of a) being in a relationship with him but having no means to invest for her and her children's future or b) to end the relationship and move out. This is worrying behaviour. As mentioned previously, there are many ways they can have joint ownership that would ensure he is not financially worse off. At the moment she is in effect keeping him (feeding him, paying his bills and council tax) whilst he is spending his money investing in his property and buying himself toys, whilst neglecting the property so the OP and her children don't even have a particularly pleasant place to live. He is deeply selfish.

Crabbitface · 22/03/2016 12:56

Who cleans it is irrelevant; if she doesn't want to clean it, don't clean it.

eatsleep This attitude sucks. When you live with/alongside others it is not good enough. By this reckoning I can go out into the street and chuck my rubbish everywhere - if it bothers my neighbours they should clean it up but i'm quite happy to have shit everywhere so I'm not going to. He invited the OP and her family to live in this house - he has to act like an adult keep it clean and tidy.

Collaborate · 22/03/2016 13:00

Look - we're not very sure at the moment how much of the over all bills OP is paying for. There are the house related bills - mortgage and building insurance. He should pay that on his own.

The other bills - utilities, tv phone computer, holidays, meals out, should be split, but if we're going to get all mathematical about it then OP should pay more as the child is not his. We don't know how much these other bills come to.

Each should get their own clothes and pay for their own transport.

OP - if you're paying anything over that, then you are indirectly paying for the mortgage.

You deserve financial security. Reduce what you're paying for if you find that you're over-paying, and put the savings in to a buy-to-let property.

My wife bought her first home 3 years in to our relationship. 2 years later I bought my home, and a year after that we started living together in hers. It was always her home and my home. We both knew where we stood, which was is it should be.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 22/03/2016 13:24

Crabbit, if I went out and threw rubbish all over the street my neighbours would not be able to avoid living with all my rubbish. That would not be okay.

OP doesn't have to live in a dirty, dilapidated home. There are of course serious implications for choosing not to live like this - and you'd expect her p to encourage her not to choose that - but she can choose.

I agree that who cleans is relevant to her relationship, just not that it is relevant or tantamount to her accruing an interest in the property.

Crabbitface · 22/03/2016 13:46

The (non-existent) neighbours could also choose to move, or clean up. But like OP why should they. The love me, love my mess/dirt attitude is mince. I understand where you are coming from with how relevant it is to her financial contribution to the household. Where it is relevant is in the general lack of respect and equity in general in the relationship. I think we're all wishing for a positive outcome for you OP.

VerySlovenly · 22/03/2016 14:06

Married or not, this is shitty: he bought this house and did all the paperwork and made it so that if anything happened to him the house would go to his parents

since it's clear that they didn't help pay for it.

And the £3k bike thing

Sorry OP, this is a crap living arrangement and not a good relationship.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2016 15:13

I would suggest him selling his property and buying one together with 2 inputs, now thT you have been with him a while. If he does not want to do that, then I would have to consider how serious he is with me, move out and go it alone.

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