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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to announce pregnancy until we are ready?

52 replies

Bambamboomboom · 21/03/2016 21:17

Aibu to not want to announce a pregnancy until as late as possible (basically until it's showing)? I found a lot of older family members quite pushy with their opinions about everything baby related last time and I just want to enjoy my pregnancy in peace for as long as possible. Does anyone else feel like this? But there is a hen do coming up. MIL, SIL and lots of extended family will be there. I'm wondering if they will start speculating when they realise I'm not drinking. Anyone got any good excuses I can use? Everyone's a detective when it comes to these things...worried they will start asking questions or put me on the spot.

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Original poster
Bambamboomboom · 21/03/2016 22:28

I get what people are saying about just being honest about it but firstly i don't want to steal SILs Thunder by telling anyone on that particular night. Secondly I guess I should have said that one family member in particular is incredibly controlling. I don't want to go into the issues we've had in the past but its more than a normal pushy comments. Things are peaceful at the moment so I'm happy to avoid rocking that boat as long as possible! But you are all correct. We will have to deal with it at some point whether we like it or not. Sad

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Original poster
Bambamboomboom · 21/03/2016 22:29

Mumand - that's a good idea!

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ShadowsCollideIsSurroundedByAd · 21/03/2016 22:35

No, YANBU at all. Tell people when you're ready to. My sister is pregnant, didn't tell anyone until she got to twelve weeks. None of us were in the slightest upset or offended that she waited until then to tell us.

Though I will say, when on a night out she declined a drink due to 'being on antibiotics', I immediately thought, ooh, she's pregnant. Never asked her though, as she clearly didn't want to tell us just then. So be prepared that most people will probably interpret 'I'm on antibiotics' as I'm pregnant'. Though unless they are rude and intrusive, they won't come right out and ask you, so just leave them to speculate.

She also did the allowing a glass of wine to be poured, picked it up a few times so we'd see her 'drinking'. And the 'I'll go to the bar', getting herself a gin and tonic that was just tonic (she told us this afterwards) and it worked. Most people don't scrutinise what others are drinking, if you appear to be drinking they'll just assume that you are.

Massive congratulations on your pregnancy! Definitely don't feel under any pressure to tell people until you want to.

ShadowsCollideIsSurroundedByAd · 21/03/2016 22:44

Or you could say you've taken paracetamol for a headache / backache etc. I'll never drink if I've taken paracetamol, so it's fairly believable.

Tallulahoola · 21/03/2016 22:44

The antibiotics line is a dead giveaway.

Keep sipping from a glass of wine/bottle of beer but hardly swallow any. Take your drink to the loo every time you go and chuck some down the sink. If you're in a club it's easy to keep pouring bits on the floor and nobody will notice. I managed a week-long work trip doing a combination of these and nobody was any the wiser.

During a big night out on pregnancy no 2 I confided in a friend and at dinner we put our glasses close together and she would drink from both of them (obviously by the end of the night she was hammered Smile)

Also had a night out ordering gin and tonic which I then swapped at the bar for a fizzy water on my way back from the loo. So it can be done but you could also save yourself all this by saying you're hoping to get pregnant in the next few months so you're giving up alcohol totally to maximise your chances (I don't think it does maximise your chances but some people will believe anything)

Dairybanrion · 21/03/2016 22:50

I understand where you are coming from. I wanted to wait until 12 weeks because of problems with previous pregnancy and nervous wait.
I didn't drink at Christmas. I suspect family knew. But, sure they don't know shite unless I confirm it. Nobody was going to ask me straight out.
My sis in law this xmas didn't drink. I hoped it was the reason, but just said nawt.
That said, you are dealing with manipulative people which is more difficult.

ollieplimsoles · 21/03/2016 22:50

I had to hide a pregnancy at a party for fils birthday op, I told the bar man to make all my drinks non alcoholic. Mil was suspicious and tried to offer me wine and mixers all evening but he knew just just not add the alcohol.

I loved keeping my pregnancy from everyone, I wish I could have just had the baby and people found out then!

Was so much better and more fun before all the interfering crap started.

Noodledoodledoo · 21/03/2016 23:03

One of my friends at my hen do said she had gone cold turkey on alcohol as she felt she was slipping into a habit of drinking too much, needing a glass of wine every night etc. We all bought it!

Her OH when told said it made her sound like a raging alcoholic!

I second the G and T without the G! or similar. Also consider a close friend trick if its possible.

switswoo81 · 21/03/2016 23:14

I spent a week at a wedding abroad with all my closest friends at 9 weeks pregnant. Noone guessed. Said nothing made no issue just stuck with Dh on rounds. Diet coke and non alcoholic San Miguel were my friend. Massive shock when announcement made .
Totally understand saying nothing. Makes it feel too long when everyone knows !

StarkyTheDirewolf · 21/03/2016 23:51

I've told my dps I've become sensitive to the sulphites in wine/cider. In fairness, it was my df who handed me that one on a platter about 3 weeks ago so before I found out they make my tongue all sore, yellow and minging and I was whinging about it to my dad and he announced "SULPHITES!"

When i worked in nightclubs, we'd have fake drinks. So a champagne glass of appletizer. Wine glass of blackcurrant and soda. I always found that as long as it was in a wine/champagne glass nobody would question it.

RubbleBubble00 · 22/03/2016 00:20

Will u be able to hide it - I was showing massively at 8 wks with number 2

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2016 00:40

Not RTFT but use a 'cleanse'. See John Oliver from 2:30 in.

No one wants to hear about your cleanse.

Bambalina · 22/03/2016 03:10

I don't think YABU to 'announce' when you are ready, although personally I don't really get the whole 'announcement' thing (as with gender reveal or fb updates with artful pics). I did get a few 'oh I didn't know' when DD was born, but I kept everything pretty much off facebook and still do

Love the ideas here. I'm one of those that it would be immediately obvious when I am not drinking - I think if I were doing this now I would do the 'my turn to be designated driver' with DP. Or Tramadol/codeine for backpain or something

Allnamesaretakenffs · 22/03/2016 08:06

Our first baby had to be terminated at almost 6 months due to severe toxo. It was horrific, and after that we waited until the 5 month scan until telling family. I just said I needed to sleep that night when I saw them as genuinly have shit sleep when I have even a single glass of wine. Or said I'm on a diet. That kind of thing, and when they tried to wrangle more info out of me I just lied and repeated.

Original poster
Bambamboomboom · 22/03/2016 10:03

Toxo - Flowers sorry to hear about your loss

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Original poster
Bambamboomboom · 22/03/2016 10:03

Lol! I might be having a 'cleanse'Grin

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Original poster
Bambamboomboom · 22/03/2016 10:13

There's lots of great ideas on here! Thanks!

Did anyone have people ask them outright 'are you pregnant?'? I had several people do that last time. Some did it in front of everyone. I found it quiet stressful. I don't like lying but I didn't feel it was any of their business and still hadn't seen a midwife or doctor so was uncertain in myself. In one case I hadn't even taken a test yet but thought I could be. Am I very sensitive or do others find this hard to deal with? What would you say?

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sparechange · 22/03/2016 10:28

Did anyone have people ask them outright 'are you pregnant?

Yup! I was pregnant around Christmas time and dreading the work party.
I thought it was my lucky day when I got an eye infection a few days before the party. Everyone in the office saw it, said how painful it looked, and asked me if I was on antibiotics.
Yet come the night of the party, those same people saw I wasn't drinking and said 'so you're pregnant then..?!"

Original poster
Bambamboomboom · 22/03/2016 13:09

spare did you just deny it? Or did you tell them you were?

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useyourimagination · 22/03/2016 13:16

I was pregnant around Christmas time and at the office party I confided in one friend whose wife was at the same early stage as me. He and I then spent the night surreptitiously swapping glasses so it looked like I was drinking them.

Is there one person you could confide in to play that trick?

HeavenlyPeas · 22/03/2016 15:55

My sister's 21st clashed with me being about six weeks pregnant and I didn't want extended family to know. I just let them keep filling up my wine glass - I did drink about six sips over the course of the evening, mostly at the toasts, but otherwise kept leaving it places 'accidentally' or passing it on to DH or my best friend who did know.

EssexGurl · 22/03/2016 16:02

No one will notice you are not drinking if you are clever. At a works do, I took a sip of the wine on offer and said I found it too rough so was going to have a cocktail instead. Got the non alcoholic version then stuck to tonic water but said it was G and T. Everyone else got pissed, didn't notice I wasn't. Everyone rough in the morning. I could genuinely join in with that conversation due to morning sickness.

Antibiotics is a cop out - you might as well just write it on your forehead!

ollieplimsoles · 22/03/2016 16:11

I could genuinely join in with that conversation due to morning sickness.

Ha! That was me after the hen party! Every one must have thought I had put away a gallon of gin at the party because of the throwing up the day after...

LittleLionMansMummy · 22/03/2016 16:46

I used the antibiotics excuse last weekend and I don't think anyone was any the wiser. It helps if you have a history of bacterial tonsillitis and antibiotic use.

We told everyone immediately upon finding out I was pregnant last time, but I think we both just want a little time to savour the secret together this time without every conversation becoming dominated by my pregnancy. I also feel a little vulnerable as an older mum (37). On paper I shouldn't have got pregnant so soon after coming off the pill - history of pcos and dh is 46. Not sure how long the antibiotics excuse will last though - at 6 weeks I already look like I'm in my second trimester due to bloating! I'm huge!

Mumandmummer · 22/03/2016 18:10

littlelion they knew, they were just polite enough not to make a fuss.