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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Advice about dd and a friendship issue -Aibu to be upset ?

44 replies

ginorwine · 21/03/2016 07:18

My dd and her friend have been best pals for many years . They are in different sets and friendship group at school but always there for each other .
The friend comes from a v wealthy family who have an 8 bed hokiday home which they go to most half terms and summer .
I went with dd when she was about 5 .
Girls now 17 .
Over the last few years the friend has invited girls from her friendship group in school only and the girls continue to regard themselves as best friends .
My dd found out that a girl from the friendship group had again been invited for Easter .
She can't understand why in the say last 15 times she hasn't been invited . She is not after a free hokiday ! - it's about why not invited .
I've started to wonder if her mum doesn't like my dd or something ? It's either that her pal is told to invite someone else or that my dd has upset someone ?
I can't think it's that as we took her on holiday with us and if there was an issue she wd not have been allowed to come . ?
Anyway dd and I feeling a bit perplexed and a little hurt .. Doesn't make sense .
It's silly but I'm wondering if we are not posh enough ?!!! As sometimes other family members who are v privalidged go at same time ??
Anyway do I ask my friend if there is issue ? I don't want to look like I'm seeking invite - rather seeking to understand as its bothering dd and I ! But it's not polite to ask ! Any advice - not good at this sort thing .

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 21/03/2016 07:20

They are 17 - butt out!

DrE678 · 21/03/2016 07:21

It's not a right or the friends taking turns. Your DD's friend is inviting who she wants to spend her holiday with. Different friends are good for different things, she must think she wants to spend her holidays with different friends. There's no need to ask and it doesn't mean DD has done anything wrong.

Witchend · 21/03/2016 07:22

If they're in a different friendship group at school, are they really best friends though. It would kind of be odd.
What do they do together?

Savagebeauty · 21/03/2016 07:23

You can't really say anything. That would be excruciating and embarrassing.
Are DD and the girl really "best friends" ? Girls' friendships change over the years.

curren · 21/03/2016 07:25

At 17 I really wouldn't approach anyone about this.

You are assuming the parents have made the decision your dd isn't coming. Why is that?

The girl has invited one friend. Not all of them except your dd. It may be that the girl is now closer to someone else or just wants to take this friend this time.

You are projecting so much onto this situation.

Coconutty · 21/03/2016 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 21/03/2016 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ginorwine · 21/03/2016 07:49

Witch
They tell each other the most private things and she always comes to us when upset etc
Current it was a quess re parent deciding as the parent decides a lot in the household for eg a family commitment before a teen dc wish or flexibility around say a teen event and a family one .this is based on experience however of course it may not be the case here .

OP posts:
Ginmakesitallok · 21/03/2016 07:51

17? Your dd is just about an adult, stay out of it!

Original poster
ginorwine · 21/03/2016 07:52

Curren
She has invited many friends over many half terms the last 10 years except dd
Not just this time
But says dd is her best pal
Of course it's good to invite others many times but given they are best pals always someone else seems strange to me . Am worried we have done something to upset .

OP posts:
Savagebeauty · 21/03/2016 07:54

You are really over invested in this.
If they are best friends, why can't your DD ask her?

shinynewusername · 21/03/2016 07:57

So she hasn't invited her for a decade? Why on Earth would you expect her to start now?

Brokenbiscuit · 21/03/2016 07:58

Sounds to me like they have grown apart, sorry.Sad

I still sometimes refer to my oldest friend as my "best friend". We always were best friends and it would seem churlish to stop saying it. The reality is that she isn't my closest friend any more, by any stretch of the imagination. Life has moved on for both of us, but she still has a special place in my heart for the friendship that we once had.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 21/03/2016 08:52

They're 17 not 7! I don't think you should be involving yourself at all. If your dd is that upset then she needs to ask her pal. But at 17 friendships from childhood change and evolve. If she and her friend have no strong common interests like school, hobbies etc then it's understandable this other girl has asked another friend.

pilates · 21/03/2016 09:00

As others have said, you cannot get involved bearing in mind the age of the girls.

Perhaps it's a bit more one sided than your DD thinks. If she wanted her there she would have invited her. Just leave it.

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2016 09:05

My dd and her friend have been best pals for many years . They are in different sets and friendship group at school but always there for each other .

Sorry, they are good friends (possibly) but not best friends.

Don't get actively involved just encourage your DD to foster her other friendships.

All will change in a year when they leave school anyway.

Monstertrucker · 21/03/2016 09:06

Sorry but I do wonder if you and maybe your daughter are behaving like my mother - she's always desperate to cling on to friendships with wealthy families even when it's clear the friendship is reaching a natural conclusion. She did it with me when I was in my teens alienating my other friends and had also done it with my sister. Time to move on I think.

curren · 21/03/2016 09:12

Of course it's good to invite others many times but given they are best pals always someone else seems strange to me . Am worried we have done something to upset .

there you go it's good.

Just because they are 'best pals' Doesn't mean they have to do everything together.

If your dd has done something to upset she is old enough to know what it is and sort it. If that's what it is.

titchy · 21/03/2016 09:18

I think yours and your dd's ideas of best friends differs majorly from this other girl's, and all the other teenage girls in the world I suspect. ALL their friends are best friends forever. They've clearly grown apart which is normal and natural, but your dd and you doesn't seem to have realised that yet.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 21/03/2016 09:18

I think that she probably isn't being included in the holidays for the same reason they don't socialise at school. Whatever that reason is, forcing the friend or her mum to vocalise it will not help and will likely just lead to your daughter having her feelings hurt further. Don't do it!

MrsJayy · 21/03/2016 09:19

Your Dd hasnt been invited for 10 years im sorry you are upset by this but i dont think they are best friends'and at 17 i would just let it go friendships are weird especially teen friendships how we see it and how they see it is very different ime

mumeeee · 21/03/2016 09:25

They are 17 so you just need to leave your DD to sort her friendships out herself.
DD used to have friends at school but she rarely did stuff outside of school with them. She had over friends from Drama and youth club that she minced with in school holidays

ctjoy103 · 21/03/2016 09:28

Your dd found out now after ten years? So all these girls for the last ten years have never once slipped up and spoke about their lovely holidays? They all must have went to great lengths to keep this a well kept secret.
I think your dd isn't as close or best friend to anyone as she thinks, and you should stay out. They are 17 and almost adults here.

IoraRua · 21/03/2016 09:30

OP, they've grown apart. Perfectly natural and nothing worrying about it. In the nicest way possible - nose out!

leelu66 · 21/03/2016 09:38

YANBU. I wouldn't say anything to your DD's friend's family, but if the friend has stopped inviting your DD to their holidays then you should stop inviting their DD to your holidays.

She's your daughter, of course you're going to worry for her and her friendships. I don't think that ever stops.

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