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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice about dd and a friendship issue -Aibu to be upset ?

44 replies

ginorwine · 21/03/2016 07:18

My dd and her friend have been best pals for many years . They are in different sets and friendship group at school but always there for each other .
The friend comes from a v wealthy family who have an 8 bed hokiday home which they go to most half terms and summer .
I went with dd when she was about 5 .
Girls now 17 .
Over the last few years the friend has invited girls from her friendship group in school only and the girls continue to regard themselves as best friends .
My dd found out that a girl from the friendship group had again been invited for Easter .
She can't understand why in the say last 15 times she hasn't been invited . She is not after a free hokiday ! - it's about why not invited .
I've started to wonder if her mum doesn't like my dd or something ? It's either that her pal is told to invite someone else or that my dd has upset someone ?
I can't think it's that as we took her on holiday with us and if there was an issue she wd not have been allowed to come . ?
Anyway dd and I feeling a bit perplexed and a little hurt .. Doesn't make sense .
It's silly but I'm wondering if we are not posh enough ?!!! As sometimes other family members who are v privalidged go at same time ??
Anyway do I ask my friend if there is issue ? I don't want to look like I'm seeking invite - rather seeking to understand as its bothering dd and I ! But it's not polite to ask ! Any advice - not good at this sort thing .

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 21/03/2016 09:41

Yes, at 17 and with a 'best friend', I would encourage your dd to talk about it, and find out. Just tell her friend, "I feel a bit hurt and confused that I haven't been away with you for a long time, but you say I am your best friend. Are we really best friends?" Just see what the friend says. Maybe it is time for your dd to let go of the friendship. Maybe this friend is using her to some extent, and it would be better for it all to be out in the open. I don't think your dd is unreasonable to feel hurt that a best friend doesn't want to spend special holiday time with her, but I think it all needs clarifying. Only one more year till uni anyway.

fresta · 21/03/2016 09:55

To be honest, it sounds as if the frienship history is used as a buffer when things go wrong with in the main friendship group. This girl relies on your dd's frienship and loyalty in times of need but it sounds like she's got other friends she prefers to socialize with.

pictish · 21/03/2016 09:57

I agree that they are not 'best friends'. They are friends and maybe even good friends, but I think this girl has other good friends too and your dd is not set apart or prioritised above them. The only thing the girl is doing wrong is calling your dd her 'best' friend.
I'm not saying that to diminish their friendship even...I don't have a best friend either. I like all my friends in different ways and at different times, for different reasons. Maybe what she means by it is something like, "I've known you for a long time and I trust you and care about you. I haven't forgotten you."

If this girl treats your dd as a confidant and goes to her when she's upset, yet hasn't extended an invite in 10 years, I think it's time to accept the invite won't be extended again. Your dd has her uses but holiday companion obviously isn't one of them. That doesn't mean this girl doesn't value or like your dd, but it does indicate a friendship based on those roles.

Of course it is also entirely possible that the girl's parents have steered her towards those girls whose backgrounds are similarly affluent, for snobbish reasons. It's not as though we don't know snobbery is rife and well, even if we're far too polite to talk about it.

Either way, my favourite saying applies well here...never make someone a priority where they'd only make you an option.

KinkyAfro · 21/03/2016 10:01

All sounds a bit childish to me, I thought that you were taking about primary school kids. Regardless of whether they are best friends, and it doesn't seem like they are, her friend is allowed to invite whoever she wants. Why is it a problem now, after 10 years! Were you hoping for a free holiday OP?

MattDillonsPants · 21/03/2016 10:02

OP it's hard but it's a life lesson. I had this in uni...became very close with a girl from a VERY posh background...landed gentry posh...she was titled.

Anyway...for three years through uni we did everything together but I only met her parents once in passing.

At a party we bumped into someone from a similar background who she knew less than she knew me...she said something along the lines of "Bertie you MUST come to Ulverdale!" Ulverdale being her family pile...mansion...whatever. That wasn't what it was really called but I realised then that she'd never asked me to her home....and friends or not, we'd never be that close in reality as I wasn't good enough.

MattDillonsPants · 21/03/2016 10:03

The worst of it was that I was so small town and naive that I didn't even realise how posh she was until the third year of uni and someone told me! I hadn't even made friends with her to "get in" with her.

Bluebolt · 21/03/2016 10:12

I have a best friend who at secondary were in different classes and we created different friendship groups that actually needed more effort. We became more like sisters that do not spend that much time together but are always there for each other and when we get together it is very easy. This has lasted three decades where some of the other friendship groups have crumbled.

victoryinthekitchen · 21/03/2016 10:23

I would wonder why she hadn't been invited if I were in your shoes, however if you mention it then it will be probably really awkward. I suppose we sometimes have to accept that people do things differently to how we would.

RhodaBull · 21/03/2016 10:25

Same here, MattDillonsPants. My head was rather turned at university by a girl who was very posh. She invited me to a Hunt Ball (yes, well...). Anyway, I was very excited by the idea of this and went out and purchased Laura Ashley taffeta ballgown (it was 1980s). Two days beforehand she told me breezily that she had bumped into Binty/Sniffy/Porky at The White Horse in Fulham and she just had to invite them so I could no longer go. I was so embarrassed. Fancy grammar school me trying to hobnob with land-owing gentry.

Anyway, regarding OP I agree with fresta upthread. I think holiday home girl is running back to OP's dd when things go badly with other friends. It's horrible realising you are a "back-up" friend, and it's best to hold your head high and move on.

eddielizzard · 21/03/2016 10:30

absolutely nothing you can do. nothing you can say. sad because it is hurtful. just have to accept that invitations will always be one-sided. my dd also has a friend like this.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2016 10:30

Goodness me I can't ever imagine my mum worrying about these things when I was almost an adult.

Friendships are pretty fluid and you said yourself they have different friendships groups.

Plus if you DD is really bothered, she only has to ask her friend if she fancies going on holiday.

If she says yes, they can either go somewhere different for a change, or her friend might suggest the holiday home again.

Either way, it's for your DD to sort out.

maydancer · 21/03/2016 10:32

I think you have hit the nail on the head op. It is about social climbing. Doesn't matter when the kids are little bit as they get older they and their parents want the right connection s

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2016 10:33

And don't assume it's anything to do with being 'posh' or that your DD has upset her in some way.

When I was a teenager, some of my friends simply made much better holiday companions than others.

I feel the same way as an adult, but that doesn't mean I don't love certain friends just because I don't particularly enjoy holidaying with them.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2016 10:35

I think you have hit the nail on the head op. It is about social climbing. Doesn't matter when the kids are little bit as they get older they and their parents want the right connection s

It might be about social climbing.

Equally it may be nothing of the sort.

I have a very close friend but OMG we'd kill each other if we went on holiday because we're quite alike, so need a bit of space from one another too.

Tallulahoola · 21/03/2016 10:45

OP I think you and your daughter may be confusing 'best friend' with 'oldest friend'.

I had a lovely friend from primary school and we went on to secondary together. As kids we went horse riding and had sleepovers and that kind of thing. Then when I hit my teens I got into music and boys and swigging cider outside the off-license but she stayed the same. So the friends I spent my weekends and holidays with were the ones who were also into all those things. A couple of times I tried taking my old friend out with us to a club but she hated it and it was really awkward. Tbh I was guilty of having her as a back-up friend for when there was a fall-out in my friendship group, plus there was a bit of me that wanted to still be riding ponies and watching ET in our pyjamas with a midnight feast. I wonder if your DD fills that sort of role.

Anyway jump forward 20 years and I'm still friends with her, while some (though not all) of my friends from the other group have fallen by the wayside.

Tell your DD to carry on being a good friend but to spend time with other people. Do not intervene yourself. It will work itself out.

snowgirl1 · 21/03/2016 10:48

When I was young I can remember my DF said I could bring a friend on holiday - as long as it wasn't X. Because although he was happy for me to have X round to play, he found X too noisy and too loud to want X on holiday with us for a couple of weeks. So, yes, it might be because the parents are controlling who is invited.

MadisonMontgomery · 21/03/2016 10:58

Hard as it may be, I would just try to forget the whole thing. Maybe the girls aren't as good friends as you thought, maybe the parents don't like you - who knows? But you can't ask them if you've done something wrong, because a) it would be the most awkward conversation ever, and b) you won't get the answer you're hoping for.

CocktailQueen · 21/03/2016 11:26

Doesn't sound like your dd is this girl's best friend! So they don't spend time together at school? Best friends usually do. And your dd hasn't been invited on holiday with her for 10 years? Sounds like she's an old friend, not nec. a best friend.

But your dd is 17 - nearly an adult! Time for you to butt out and let her get on with it! Just step back.

ovenchips · 21/03/2016 12:30

Of course you want your daughter to be invited on holiday and you feel her upset keenly when she isn't. She's your child and you want everything to be right for her and especially for her not to be left out. I would be the same, I would have those feelings.

However, I would not act on those feelings. For two different reasons: firstly, your daughter is 17, she is plenty old enough not to require parental intervention in such matters. She can bring it up with her friend, if she wants to, by all means. If she asked you to, you could help her practise how to broach an awkward issue with her friend. But that should be limit of your intervention.

Secondly, you have no say in who gets invited on the holidays. They are not your holidays to issue invitations. It hasn't happened for 10 years so realistically the chances of it happening now are tiny. The parents and your daughter's friend have their reasons for why they've invited who they have (be they good, bag, ugly reasons). They are not accountable to others in this matter.

If I could I would use this as an opportunity for me to develop a more adult kind of parenting of my child and practise stepping back. It's hard but worth it.

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