To feel like this doesn't look like my wedding?

[Leta86]

Dear all, thank you for listening to what is probably a case of cold feet. Let me start with a bit of info:

1. I love my DH2B dearly... this isn't a case of staying or leaving.
2. The two of us are paying for the wedding.
3. The rule sine qua none was and is that I am taking everyone's (bridal party) view in consideration, as I refuse to be a bridezilla.

But... It all started when I let DH2B talk me out of church wedding (I'm a practising catholic, he's a non practising protestant). Then he chose purple as theme... which was ok cos I kind of like purple, but not that much,and now EVERYTHING ended up purple. We got the wrong invitations with the right wording and I went along as to not cause fuss. I love lilies, but he wanted roses and MIL (who is otherwise amazing and this is not a rile against her) wanted freesias so I have one lily in my bouquet, few in a centrepiece and that's it. I can't recognize half the songs on the playlist, my sister keeps forgetting about the favours (she's making them as a wedding present), my hen night is a dinner with both sets of parents and my wedding gown doesn't even fit any more cos I lost 2 stone, with 6 months to go. I didn't get the choice of our first dance song and I can't make my mind up what to walk down the aisle to. DH2B has everything in spreadsheets and powerpoints and all I have is a headache and a sense of things being way out of my control. Half of my family is across the continent and don't want to come and it was a near fallout to get ready in my home on the day (strong family tradition) or use plain gold wedding bands I really wanted. I don't know what this has turned into, but it doesn't look at all like the wedding I used to dream about as a girl. I keep wondering where am I in all this? I'm afraid I'll wake up on the day with a sense of dissapointment and I would really hate that.

RubbleBubble00 has it down perfectly. None of what you have said is irreversible. I get the feeling that you have been railroaded to such an extent that you now feel powerless and just a bit-part player on the day which, lets face it, really is mostly about the bride. And yes, I know I know - it is the wedding of two people but you have almost been written out here! I am glad to hear that you say that he is not usually controlling and, as another pp said, he is probably feeling rather chuffed with himself for being so 'helpful' and has got a bit carried away! You are sounding overwhelmed and very hurt so that is probably preventing you from talking to your dh2b but talk to him you must! I know you don't want to be a bridezilla but I will tell you something else you don't want - to look back on your wedding and feel resentful and upset! Talk!!

DH wanted to be very involved in our wedding, and he made some of the final decisions on some things that I wasn't too worried about - exit song, venue, his clothes. But flowers, colour scheme, dress, and play list he didn't get a choice on!

Mintybojangles, I think this is a case of pot, kettle, black - you are criticising OPs groom for being too controlling regarding certain things yet didnt give your DH a say either with certain things!

OP if hes not normally so controlling you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel, hes not a mind reader.

In fairness , I think that very few grooms get an input on the brides dress ! And most ( not all ) don't have strong views on colours schemes and flowers

OP, have you actually said what you want at any point? It sounds like you have been too accommodating to everyone else's helpful suggestions. Have a proper talk with your fiance and actually say how you feel, and what you want. There is still time to change some things.
Sometimes it isn't until you find yourself agreeing to what you suddenly find you don't want that you realise how much that choice matters to you.

And most ( not all ) don't have strong views on colours schemes and flowers hmm

Why the roly eyes? I get men dont choose the brides dress but arent men meant to be interested in colour schemes, flowers and songs then because its only the brides day?

It's not a question of what men are " meant " to do . It's just my experience that most grooms don't care as much about these things as most brides .

I'm sorry if you find this shocking.

This is easily salvageable, you've got 6 months to go.

Speak to your DP tonight. Maybe show him the OP. Say you're feeling overwhelmed with it all and it's all got away from you a bit, but you're not happy.

Weddings do involve a lot of compromise, but there are some quick wins here.

Firstly, see if you can return your dress, and if not, sell it. It needs to bring you absolute joy. Go shopping again and get a new one. Dresses can have up to a 6 month lead time, so I'd do this one first. But you still have time, absolutely. Go with your friends or close family, choose something that is absolutely just for you and that you love.

The church thing is probably harder to fchange now, and your DP doesn't want a church wedding. Is a blessing afterwards something you could compromise on? You could go a few weeks later if your priest is amenable? I have friends who have done this.

Flowers - nothing is set in stone yet with 6 months to go and I'm sure the florist can redesign something within your current budget. At the very least you need to redesign your own bouquet because again, that's yours. There is surely a middle ground between what you and your DP want. MIL's views shouldnt really come in to it I don't think.

Colour wise, probably harder to change now. But could you tone down the purple by getting all white flowers, for example?

Talk to your DP, he will probably be mortified to realise you feel like this and want to change things so you feel better.

No need for an apology, I dont find it shocking in the slightest Kristina, just rather sexist and sad.

It should be joint decisions all the way.

Some things DH was more bothered about so we went with his wishes. Other things I was more bothered about so we went with them.

Mostly, it was decided after lengthy discussion. Oh, and not getting other people's opinions. It was out day, not theirs!

Lastly, DH made his own wedding coat and I had only a rough idea what it looked like until I walked down the aisle - couldn't believe how many people couldn't get their heads round that yet it's okay for the bride to keep it secret?? He also walked down the aisle first - again, why only the bride?

Firstly poor you- I think everyone feels fearful before their wedding and it comes out in different ways. If the situation was reversed and you were the one with the spreadsheets I doubt anyone would raise an eyebrow. sounds like he is the more organised one between you and is carrying out this role with vigour - perhaps he's gone a bit bridezilla? But the thing is a wedding is one day- that's it. A marriage is for life and I bet there is just as much chance of you waking up on the morning and feeling relieved that he's taken the lead in all the organisation. I don't think you are BU I think you're having normal pre-wedding jitters

I agree with much of what has been said - you have plenty of time, so don't panic.

I think you cannot have it both ways: "I don't really mind about colour/flowers/etc but I am upset it's purple/not lilies/etc".

Either relinquish all control and then accept that choices will be made for you, or have/reclaim some degree of control.

Personally, I hate the phrase 'Bridezilla' because it can describe anything from somebody frankly unhinged by wedding hysteria to somebody who is only vaguely sure about her choices and preferences and is able to be assertive.
Don't worry TOO much about the wedding, it is only a day - worry about the implications of what you have written here for your marriage.

Are you generally passive? Are you happy to be in a relationship in which he may carry on being the 'leader' and you the 'follower'? If you are, fine. Nothing wrong with being a 'follower' as long as this is a role you are comfortable in and that will not lead to slow, seething resentment.

Best bit of advice on here: talk to him, really talk. And listen. Hopefully he will listen to you too.

Start by sorting out which bits mean the most to you. If you really want a church wedding then that is something you are going to regret not doing (plus your wedding won't be recognised by the church if that is important to you). Talk over together and decide what you are in charge of and what he is in charge of.

Really, I am sure your MIL and DH2B are very nice,but why on earth are they having so much input into your bridal bouquet? You carry it, you choose it. With 6 months to go you can easily change this, so do.

Take your sister out for a drink and talk to her about when the favours are getting done, so you know where you are.

Can you return the dress, or get it sized down? Just explore what the options are (don't tell anyone yet in case you get browbeaten into something you don't want).

Is there anyone musical you know who can help you choose a walk down the isle song (again, I'd do this without input from DH2B at least initially)?

Not everything has to be purple. See what you can still change.

I would sit down, calmly, explain how you feel. Explain that, whilst most of what he is doing is fine there are a few things that you want to change because YOU like different things and it is half your wedding. It's the bride's decision about her bouquet - if you want lilies then you have lilies. Buttonholes, table decorations etc are a joint thing. It doesn't matter if your bouquet is different. You're the bride so I imagine your dress is different to everyone else too! You're supposed to stand out.

Explain that you're not for or against purple but you'd prefer not to have so much of it. Have another colour to tone with it in mind otherwise he'll ask you for an idea and you'll flounder so purple will stay...

As for your ring. I'm getting the impression you're being told what wedding ring you're having. They don't have to match! My wedding ring has three small diamonds in it, my husband's has a Celtic design. My friend's ring is platinium and her husband's is gold. It's a preference and what suits you. If you want a plain gold band then you need to tell him that is what you want. He can have what he wants. That's a marriage - a compromise.

When is your wedding and do you still have time to get this sorted?

He is probably just trying to be really helpful and has got carried away. OR (speaking from experience as this is what I do) have you just say back and agreed to most things to make him happy without realising how much you have compromised until it's really bothering you.?

Speak to him. He won't want you to be unhappy about your wedding. Things like the church can be difficult and it is probably too late to change now but if it matters a lot to you could you plan a private blessing at another time?

Did you have a colour scheme in mind? Could you pick a colour you like to compliment the purple and include it in centrepieces, favours(as they've still to be made), flowers etc?

This happened to me. I did everything that everyone else wanted (DH, MIL, DM, BM etc) and had nothing that I really wanted or loved, even down to the reception location. As a result, I hated my wedding day, I don't have any photos from the day up anywhere or in an album and I've never once watched my wedding video (that I didn't want taken). My advise: don't let it happen! You will massively regret not saying anything. I ended up spending thousands (DH and I footed the bill) on a day that wasn't what I wanted at all and I'm quite bitter about it sometimes! They were all only trying to be helpful, but it was all about who they wanted invited, and what they thought looked good.

I've rtft and no reply from op :(

Why on earth have you allowed everyone to make your special day not what you want?

Talk to htb - this is his job. If you don't tell him you aren't happy then how will he know

Who cares who flowers mil likes. Your wedding. Not hers. Give her a bouquet of her fav flowers

Dress get it taken in

Music discuss together

Get rings you want. I have friends who hate their engagement ring or wedding band as too thick yet don't tell their now hubbies

Colour can be blended in with another

I'm not sure why you've left it so late to put your foot down. It sounds as though you're involving too many people in your wedding. Your MIL's favourite flowers are irrelevent she shouldn't have been given a say. If you want to choose half the songs you TELL your OH he can choose half the songs and you'll choose half as at the moment he's not involving you. Tell him the wedding is upsetting you as you want to have as much say as him and feel he's walking over you just because he's a planner. If you want a friends only hen night tell the parents they aren't invited. Take back some control.
Or decide your husband is a controlling arse and you don't want to marry him.