To feel like this doesn't look like my wedding?

[Leta86]

Dear all, thank you for listening to what is probably a case of cold feet. Let me start with a bit of info:

1. I love my DH2B dearly... this isn't a case of staying or leaving.
2. The two of us are paying for the wedding.
3. The rule sine qua none was and is that I am taking everyone's (bridal party) view in consideration, as I refuse to be a bridezilla.

But... It all started when I let DH2B talk me out of church wedding (I'm a practising catholic, he's a non practising protestant). Then he chose purple as theme... which was ok cos I kind of like purple, but not that much,and now EVERYTHING ended up purple. We got the wrong invitations with the right wording and I went along as to not cause fuss. I love lilies, but he wanted roses and MIL (who is otherwise amazing and this is not a rile against her) wanted freesias so I have one lily in my bouquet, few in a centrepiece and that's it. I can't recognize half the songs on the playlist, my sister keeps forgetting about the favours (she's making them as a wedding present), my hen night is a dinner with both sets of parents and my wedding gown doesn't even fit any more cos I lost 2 stone, with 6 months to go. I didn't get the choice of our first dance song and I can't make my mind up what to walk down the aisle to. DH2B has everything in spreadsheets and powerpoints and all I have is a headache and a sense of things being way out of my control. Half of my family is across the continent and don't want to come and it was a near fallout to get ready in my home on the day (strong family tradition) or use plain gold wedding bands I really wanted. I don't know what this has turned into, but it doesn't look at all like the wedding I used to dream about as a girl. I keep wondering where am I in all this? I'm afraid I'll wake up on the day with a sense of dissapointment and I would really hate that.

Do you normally have difficulties with asserting what you want? Or were you not quite clear about what it was you wanted and have been swept along a little?

I think you need to talk to him but you need to be clear about what you want it to look like first (bouquet all lilies or do you want a mix at all?) and then compromise together. Hen night should probably be your territory. I say this all as an unmarried... Sure you will get there but not discussing this could lead to resentment/disappointment in the long term.

Talk to him and if you can't talk to him you have a problem in which case I wouldn't marry him.

If there is still some time to go, you can easily change things. I planned our fairly large wedding last year within six weeks. I only ordered my flowers two weeks before. Bought my dress with five weeks to go and had alterations done two weeks before. So it is all possible. Nobody who looked at our wedding would think it had been pulled together within six weeks.

It does sound as if he has got carried away.

How on earth have you ended up with not having the bouquet that you want??

We didn't involve anyone else tbh, unless we wanted opinions.

Who cares which flowers his mother wants?

They are YOUR flowers. Have what you like.

Agree with all above - talk to him! I don't think he's necessarily being controlling. As you say, if he's planner he'll love this sort of thing, and it sounds like you didn't realise you felt so strongly about certain things, so just went along with it at the time.

The dress is easy to sort with alterations. Why is MIL having any input into the flowers, especially your bouquet?? That is also easy to change at this stage. It would be possible to tone down the purple theme by adding some cream/pink to the colour scheme. You should definitely be choosing the first dance song together, the rest of the music will be more of a negotiation. Have you added songs you want to the playlist?

Please just have a discussion with him. If nothing else, how he responds will tell you an awful lot about how he is likely to handle you being unhappy with him organising everything in future!

You must talk to him. Otherwise this sets a precedent for your married life where he just gets on with making decisions and you just sit back feeling quietly unhappy.

You can take control of this. You can change the flowers. Unless the wedding it tomorrow they haven't been purchased yet. You can make an appointment with a seamstress and get your dress altered to fit as you want it too. Make an evening date with your sister and make the favours together. Another idea would be to have a 'hen' evening and invite a few girlfriends and make the favours together with drinks and nibbles. We did this at the best hen party I have ever been too.

You sound like you are letting people walk all over you no matter how nice they are. Just speak up, put your foot down a little and sort out these little issues. They sound like they can all be sorted to me.

Hope you feel able to sort it and have a great wedding day OP.

Plenty of time to change things, presumably you have access to the spreadsheets and contact details of your suppliers so take control. Tell him you are unhappy and changes are needed.
Phone or go and see your florist, they won't mind. Get your lillies! Bet mil won't notice on the day anyway.
Go and sort your dress out or get a new one (this should be nothing to do with him anyway!)
Tell your bridesmaids to organise a proper hen do. (surely your hen do shouldn't be on the spreadsheet!).
Colour scheme etc can easily be amended and doesn't have to be overwhelming, eg. If he was planning a purple sash on the chair covers change it to ivory, that immediately tones it down and won't affect the costs.
Good luck!

I think that your inability to negotiate what you want is more of a problem OP. Are you generally a people pleaser?

Has he always been this controlling? Will you be able to live with someone who takes over completely?

This is actually a snap shot in to the future. Take heed of it.

Your Dh and mil preference trumps yours on a day that is renown for the bride having her 'day'.

Good luck love. Start kicking back or sack the whole lot off.

It's not just YOUR wedding but there are bits that are generally more important to the bride ( colour scheme, flowers, special traditions and the pretty bits) and stuff that dh2b can put his stamp on the day by choosing. You really don't have to take others tastes into consideration when it comes to these things, if MIL loves freesia get her some for her thank you bouquet, her wedding happened, this is your day, have the flowers you want. Do a Pinterest board of your dream day and show this to dh2b, if this looks nothing like what the day is evolving into then it will be obvious and you can say this without being a bridezilla. Bridezillas freak out because the mums haven't bought an out fit in the colour of the bride's choice or because the florist can't produce daffodils in July ... None of what you are saying makes you a bridezilla.

Out of curiosity, what will the stag do be?

Frankly, I'd rather take off on a solo weekend than have a family dinner for a hen do.

Your wedding has been taken over by other people and harsh reality is that you let them take over. But....none of this is irreversible, you seem so upset about it now that you're probably motivated enough to take action and change things to how you want them.

I was really surprised that you were talked out of a church wedding. Being a practicing Catholic means Catholicism is important to you and you personally see marriage as a sacrament? If he loves and respects you as a whole then surely you shouldn't have been talked out of this.

P.s. spreadsheets and organisation can often be used as a controlling mechanism as if everything is set out on a "system" and it therefore can't be changed. Don't fall in to the trap of believing that a well organised plan you disagree with is a valid plan

Also forgot to say (in case this is useful for future) that if you want your DC baptised in the Catholic church in future, the priest will ask where you got married.

Tell him. If he doesn't listen, don't go through with it.

You can change a lot of these things! The dress, the hen night, the flowers, tbh the lot.

We planned and organised our whole wedding in less than 3 months, so 6 months - there's enough time for MIL to get over her disappointment over the flowers.

Sorry your family are finding it hard to come. Is the fact it is not a church wedding a factor?

I got married last year, did virtually all the planning and had BIG reservations about our venue (which were right, I spent the entire day with a coat on and changed out of my heels because the ground was uneven) and the whole time was told to leave it and not worry, except now I'm really bitter, cant even look at the place without feeling angry and wish we'd just hired the village hall and saved £££s. So you need to do something and take control, weddings are very expensive - why spend ALL that money and not get what you want? Otherwise you should elope, because at the end of the day whilst the vows matter your wedding day is a huge investment and as a result this is the one time you don't need to people please, OK you do with your Husband, a bit, but not family.

1 Call the florist. Tell them you have changed your mind and what you want
2 Get to the dressmakers about your dress
3 Get the plain wedding bands you want
4 Your walking down the aisle song, could it be your original first dance choice?

If your sister continues to flake on your favors, do it yourself and get what you really want

Good luck, and kudos on the 2 stone, that cant have been easy x

You need to learn to speak up for yourself before your whole marriage turns into this.

as I refuse to be a bridezilla

F**k that. Yes, there are a few women who get totally carried away with weddings but, in most cases, the "bridezilla' label is yet another way of policing women and telling them they shouldn't have an opinion

It is your wedding OP, and none of the things you want are the teeniest bit unreasonable. There is still plenty of time to change everything you don't like. Don't bite your tongue and live to regret it.

Please think carefully about this. I have a friend who had always (ie, since her mid-teens) said if she got married at all she wanted low-key, run away and do it without telling anyone, pull in witnesses off the street. Big party a month or so later.

Her (now) husband changed it by stealth - little bit by little bit - to a "boring and ordinary" local registry office do, with his best mate and family, his mum and sister and their partners. My friend did the catering for the tiny party.

Her dh is controlling and unkind. Once he knew he'd 'got' her (married and pg, and with no job due to him forcing her to give up work) he really changed, and his control became overt.

We can all see it, she can't; but is terrified of annoying him.It is the saddest thing.

That story goes towards an extreme, which you may not reach, but think carefully about how you got to agreeing to these things you don't want.

What do you think his reaction will be if you were to tell him that you don't want your wedding to be like this?

The poor man is probably really pleased with himself for being so involved, and trying to impress you with his organisational skills. Just tell him that you feel excluded from your own wedding and sit down and talk it through.
My wedding started out very small and ended up at 250 people. I let my husband have his way on the numbers because he has a huge family. I wouldn't have compromised on a church wedding (we are both Catholic though) but almost everything else involved some form of compromise.

I'm a practising Catholic and DH isn't, we were going to get married in a registry office for quickness as I was pregnant, my mother got upset and we had a very small wedding in the church, the priest was great. I'm so glad now I got married in the church, we had a blessing, it was important to me. Also, would he be happy with any children being brought up catholic if he has any issues, just a thought.

Maybe I'm not a good practising Catholic being pregnant on my wedding day ha ha!