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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if you feel frission/sexual tension with someone, they do too?

61 replies

Pollaidh · 20/03/2016 20:24

I've often wondered - you know when there's someone you have some kind of tension with, and you both grab for the same thing, and your fingers brush, and it's like an electric shock... Well if you feel it, does it mean the other person does too?

Same for the other signs, like repeatedly brushing arms as you walk along together, knees touching under the table. If you keep bumping arms, is it because you're both drawn towards each other, or (assuming you have some sexual awareness of the other party), could it all be you, and the other person's just wondering if you're pissed?

Obviously hard to answer given you don't know what the other person is thinking, but have you ever then got together with someone, and they've mentioned the same thing; or, (god, how awful), have you ever found out that what you thought were significant touches... simply weren't to the other person?

OP posts:

Redderred · 20/03/2016 21:21

I felt like this about someone.
Turns out they very much felt the same way, only took two years of this to find out!
On the another hand then was someone who absolutely did not feel the same way. We went on a group night out and he got with someone else.

DisneyMillie · 20/03/2016 21:24

Don't think it'd always be mutual but DP and I had a proper '"zing" moment when we both happened to look at each other on a night out with mutual friends a few months before we got together. Cheesy as it sounds we both say we knew from that moment.

megletthesecond · 20/03/2016 21:26

No, I don't think so.

Original poster

Pollaidh · 20/03/2016 21:42

Don't worry, I'm not about to start stalking anyone. I've been writing a series of 'building sexual tension' type scenes in my novel recently, so I've been thinking a lot about this, and also considering my own situation.

I have been in a lot of friend to lovers type situations, and I have almost always called it right (only 1 misunderstanding I think). Obviously, I may have been sending out the wrong signals to many other men, who thankfully didn't act on it.

I am happily married but I have two people with whom there is maybe that fission thing - one I used to date so no real surprise there, don't know if it's one-sided. The other is a friend I tend to avoid touching because we've brushed fingers a couple of times when passing things, and I've felt that flash and was worried he did too. They're both my 'type'.

EatSleep Sorry, that's hilarious! The thought of you trying and trying, and making it worse and worse.

Yes - as a scientist I realise, as a PP pointed out, that just because it happens sometimes, it doesn't mean it always does (and there will be some selection bias), and we're less likely to know about when it doesn't I guess.

OP posts:

MrsSchadenfreude · 20/03/2016 21:48

Isn't the word "frisson"?

Original poster

Pollaidh · 20/03/2016 21:51

Yep, sorry, typo. Frission, not fission. That would be rather more explosive than anyone would like to experience

OP posts:

Imchangingmyname · 20/03/2016 21:55

'Frisson' !!!!

80schild · 20/03/2016 22:00

Just pondering this myself now. I would say that there is a difference between a crush, and the electrical spark you feel when your eyes meet and you can see someone is thinking the same as you.

Crushes are always one-sided, but a proper connection is permanent.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 20/03/2016 22:12

I think it's one of those things that you never know. So probably not.

But. When it's there it's there. It's that fine line that could be difficult.

Trills · 20/03/2016 22:19

the electrical spark you feel when your eyes meet and you can see someone is thinking the same as you

But sometimes you IMAGINE that they are thinking the same as you and they are just not.

Original poster

Pollaidh · 20/03/2016 22:28

Oops, yes, frisson. I think it's the electric spark that's confusing me.

Yes 80schild I think there sometimes is a difference, although in poor EatSleeps experience the wires got a bit crossed, so it's not infallible.

I think I can usually tell the difference between a one-sided crush when you can list some things which might mean he likes you, but you don't really know until you try, and those eyes meet, sparks flying moments. In fact my one known misunderstanding was more of a crush, he seemed to enjoy my company but no sparks exactly. Apart from that I've never misread a situation - when I've had that (what I thought was a) mutual spark, it has been rapidly followed by kissing etc. So, you see why I wondered - because to me, so far, from my side, it has been consistent.

Maybe eye contact's the big one - gazing into each other's eyes as you talk, and talking for hours, is probably fairly reliable.

OP posts:

WilburIsSomePig · 20/03/2016 22:41

No, they can most definitely not always feel it.

A man I worked with made a lunge for me one night when we were walking to our cars (we normally chatted and walked out to our cars together) and wouldn't take no for an answer because he 'knew' I felt the same way because it was obvious because of the 'sexual tension'. A swift knee to the balls was what it took for him to understand that this was not the case at all and he had completely misread the situation.

madmomma · 20/03/2016 22:47

Nooooooooo. Please disabuse yourself of this notion before you humiliate yourself!

GinBunny · 20/03/2016 22:51

God no, I've had enough crushes in my time knock me back!

Finallyonboard · 20/03/2016 23:00

I saw someone at a wedding once, he walked in and it took my breath away, my heart was pounding and the room was spinning. I have never experienced that before - he didn't see me and I left with my now DH soon after without having spoken to him.

I met him again a week later - he worked with me but we'd never met. This time, he noticed me and over a few weeks would make excuses to see me, asked me out a few times and even told me he thought I was the one.

I was already engaged and living with my now DH so it wasn't meant to be. I'm very happily married, but I do sometimes wonder about the strength of my reaction to him.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/03/2016 23:03

Daniel Craig said yes- of course he feels that way about me too.

Original poster

Pollaidh · 20/03/2016 23:03

Ouch! Wilbur, but obviously needed.

Don't worry Madmomma, happily married. Just getting to writing the romance in my in-progress novel, and drawing on my own life experiences, as you do, and I started wondering about whether my experiences and beliefs were representative. I've only once been knocked back (and that was managed subtly, before any grand rejection was needed). I am not exactly good looking, just outwardly confident . So for me when single, frisson has --> relationship.

OP posts:

fiordaliso · 20/03/2016 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 20/03/2016 23:36

I think sometimes crushes are triggered by someone's behaviour towards you which while you might not pick up on your subconscious does and kick starts a crush.

bloodyteenagers · 21/03/2016 00:03

Sometimes you both do feel that spark.
I've had a conversation about it. Him married with kids. Me single. Occasionally he would put his hand on my shoulder when speaking with me. Then we all went out for a drink after work and as the night went by, we started chatting about alsorts. Then it moved onto him admitting why he touched my shoulder sometimes. He mentioned the spark. I never admitted that I also felt that spark. He's not my type at all.

When I first met a great mate of mine years ago, I had this irrational fear about the spark. I did alsorts to avoid any contact. It's actually hard. But there was something that screamed noooo. that emotion has gone now. We are really good mates. Back then if we had touched and that spark happened I would have ripped his clothes off and possibly some skin.

Infatuation. Sometimes you do give out clues to the other person and they can be utter bastards about it. Not necessarily using it to knock you back, but to use you which is deplorable.

Vintage45 · 21/03/2016 00:07

No of course its not always reciprocated. If so I'd be with the old pervet of a boss who tried to get me over the french horns when I was a saturday girl in a donut shop.

Theladyloriana · 21/03/2016 00:36

get me over the French horns

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 21/03/2016 00:41

Some people are better and reading body language than others. Maybe you're good at it so your hit rate of recognising mutual attraction is better.

itsbetterthanabox · 21/03/2016 00:45

Nope definitely not. I had a close friendship with a gay man who I fancied so very much. I'd feel these things when we chatted and laughed and joke flirted but he's definitely gay and I was all starry eyed lol.

BunnyTyler · 21/03/2016 01:18

Definitely.

Every single person I have felt a frisson with has been completely and utterly mad with desire for me in return.

Truly.

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