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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fussy child

81 replies

PercyPigTheSecond · 19/03/2016 22:00

My friends child is 6. She has asked me to look after him after school one afternoon per week, that's fine. However, he's treated as a little prince at home and as a consequence is very fussy. He refuses to eat anything other than sandwiches, even then they have to have crusts cut off and be white bread Hmm

My children have a couple of things they don't like/preferences but on the whole they eat what they are given and we tend to have something hot for dinner, which friends son refuses to eat. So rather than make him go hungry I made him a sandwich.

Aibu to think it's important for children to have varied food and not be too indulged/fussy? He has no Sen, just very precious (and more than happy to bark out orders about what he will/won't eat Hmm)

OP posts:
Original poster
PercyPigTheSecond · 20/03/2016 06:39

Ok so it sounds like I am being unreasonable.

I do think that the child has been over indulged and pandered to be his parents - I have met up with them regularly since he was about 1 and they always fuss over him excessively imo (eg he is noisy and messing around in a cafe and falls over, so he gets picked up and cuddled/fussed over for ages, never disciplined).

It's not actually 'easy' for me to provide the sandwich as I don't normally buy white bread and the filings he likes (ham and cheese slices) but I will add these to my weekly shop then.

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 20/03/2016 08:42

To be honest it doesn't sound as though you like the child much, and I would hate to think of one of mine going to a house on a regular basis where the parent thinks they are pandered to and spoilt.

Wrt the food, I know that dd1s friend Xxx doesn't like peas, but loves meatballs, that's what she has when she comes over. Dd2's friend Yyy hates most vegetables, but loves macaroni cheese and fruit so there you go, job done. Ds's friend Zzz only eats marmite sandwiches - it is easy to do, and that's what he gets. I don't see why it is a big deal.

Lightbulbon · 20/03/2016 08:45

He should bring his own sandwiches.

HPsauciness · 20/03/2016 08:50

If you genuinely don't have white bread, or ham, or slices of cheese/any cheese he eats in the house tell the mum and ask what she suggests. I wouldn't buy everything completely differently, I would adapt out of what I already had. But having a cheap white loaf in the freezer and defrosting two slices once a week would cost about 50p for ages, so it's not like it's really expensive. She may prefer to send him with something if you can't accommodate this out of your normal food (I have usually found something even the fussiest child can eat in my house, but we aren't that healthy- there's usually white bread, or oven chips or frozen pizza at the back of the freezer for such occasions).

Sparklingbrook · 20/03/2016 08:53

What time is she going to be picking him up?

nam207 · 20/03/2016 08:54

My 3.5 year old DS doesn't have SEN but is diagnosed with selective eating and as a result only eats a very restricted diet. Its not anything we've done but just the way he is.

All the advice we've had is to give him what he will eat and offer bits of everything others are eating. So I do think its fair for the boy you look after to have a sandwich.

Having said that, I agree with PPs that the boy has rude manners and with the suggestion that he comes to yours with food prepared by his parents if its a hassle for you to provide.

RidersOnTheStorm · 20/03/2016 08:56

Ask her to provide him with sandwiches because he only eats food you don't buy for the family. That seems reasonable.

HamaTime · 20/03/2016 09:00

I would ask her to send him with a packed lunch if he is that fussy and it is more a childcare favour than inviting a guest. DS has a friend who only eats white bread with strawberry jam - but it has to be that jelly type, no actual strawberries, and McDonalds chips. Not every frozen 'fries', they have to be McDonalds Hmm
I don't buy white bread or bad jam. There are already 6 of us and our associated food and I don't feel inclined to buy special bread and store it in my freezer. If he comes to play I go to McDonalds and he has his chips but I wouldn't do that every week.
I think if you are asking someone to do you a favour you should try to make it easy for them. It's not comparable to inviting a friend for dinner.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 20/03/2016 09:06

As the child is v young, it is a matter of choosing your battles. As he is a weekly guest then if the pressure is taken off and the child has a staple you know he will eat then the rest of the food available for dinner becomes optional, which may lead to the child deciding to try some of the other foods.

I have a child with a very restrictive list of acceptable foods (ASD related sensory issues), when he was 6 I just thought he was really fussy, but if there is anything I have learned from the years of mealtime battles, bargaining, crying and thrown plates [embarrassed], is that nothing kills an appetite like an argument/ stress over a meal. So feel free to judge away at the parents laxity but trying to 'fix' the child during one meal a week is not likely to work well. Still it is understandable that you want this child to fit in with the rest of your kids for meals, and maybe one day they will, it will be up to the kid though.

gingerdad · 20/03/2016 09:15

We had a cub on camp once who's mother said "he only eats tomato sauce sandwiches". We responded we only cook one meal - unless dietary - so if you want him to eat that you'll need to provide it. Which she did.

First meal away in the busyness we forgot - he never came just ate everything in front of him. All weekend. Handed back all the stuff to his money at the end. She was astounded. Since ate lots of camp stew and camp bolognese.

At our house it's simple if you're round for tea you get what your given. If you don't eat it you go to bed hungry. Simple.

Funnily enough my kids will eat owt.

Frazzled2207 · 20/03/2016 09:43

Speak to the mother and ask her to send stuff with him, she shouldn't mind. (Obviously make the point that he would be welcome to eat with the family but that you doubt that he would).
However as the mother of another very fussy child don't assume his fussiness is a result of being over indulged. I've tried the "eat what you're given approach" and it just doesn't work.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/03/2016 09:56

this is MN op where people have a whole draw in their freezer allocated for kids who come round. Wink

fir 1 day a week do the sandwich but as I don't buy bread he'd be stuck with a slice out the freezer and only if I actually had room. luckily I usually have ham.though.

just do what you want fir your kids and leave the kid to it. it's sad if he is pandered too etc but their problem. he'd be welcome.provided he stuck to house rules re behaviour dicipline etc.

SmaDizietSma · 20/03/2016 10:17

I think you've been given a hard time.

Helping out with childcare one night per week is incredibly kind of you. This kind of regular arrangement does make things a little different. Like a previous poster said, I'm unlikely to sandwiches for an evening meal. I wouldn't give it to my dc and I'm sure they would see this as a choice if someone else was having them. In that respect it does impact you. I would keep a white loaf in the freezer.

itsonlysubterfuge · 20/03/2016 10:41

I was a very fussy child and teenager, as a adult I enjoy a varied diet and try to have my child enjoy one as well. Also, I thought it was normal for a lot of young children to eat the crusts cut off? I sometimes don't like the crusts, I just eat them anyway.

As I see it you have two choices:

!. Make him what he wants, even though it's more annoying for you.

  1. Make him what your children are eating and if he doesn't eat it then, oh well. He will not starve not eating one meal a day one time a week. If he is very hungry he may even try some things. However, I think it would be nice if you made things you know he likes in his sandwiches, for example if he likes chicken sandwiches, make chicken with something else on the side.

I don't think it's treating a child as PFB because they are fussy eaters. Don't be so judgey. You have no idea how they got to the stage of him only eating sandwiches. Maybe he is just allowed everything he wants at home, or maybe he has a hard time with food and finally sandwiches was his miracle cure.

averythinline · 20/03/2016 11:01

if you are doing this as a favour then I would say to the mum she needs to provide food or he will need dinner when he gets home ...
if you are getting paid for this or have the space make some sandwiches from a loaf and freeze them he can have one a week

his diet is up to his parents overall -but they need to know what you are prepared to do or not - we don't have white sandwich bread either so he would have to have whats in the house - am sure youve got fruit or something that can tide him over....

you are doing them a favour and it doesn't sound like you're keen, it maybe easier to say they'll need to find other after school care for him in the long term..

Coconutty · 20/03/2016 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RowRowRowCrocodileScream · 20/03/2016 11:06

Aibu to think it's important for children to have varied food and not be too indulged/fussy?
YANBU. I have a 2.5 year old who will eat pretty much what he's given and I always try not to pander to him when he attempts to be fussy about food (the fussiness rarely lasts!). I have some friends who claim their children are fussy eaters and will only eat certain things at home yet will eat everything at nursery, i.e. where there is only one choice.
The problem you may face if you make him something different regularly is that your children may wonder why you are making something special for him whilst they have to eat whatever's on offer. It may be worth giving your friend the option either of her DS being given what your family is eating (which he can take or leave) or providing something for him. It seems to me rather disruptive to the approach to food which you are teaching your own children if she were to expect you to make something different for him when your own DC eat the same as the adults in the house.

TheNumberfaker · 20/03/2016 11:07

Just give him what you're all eating. Genuine allergies, extremely spicy food and SN aside, children can just learn to eat what's on offer!

Sparklingbrook · 20/03/2016 11:10

My children ate everything at age 2/3 then a few years after they started having opinions about what they liked just like I do. Grin

paxillin · 20/03/2016 11:12

I used to do a weekly pick up of dc's friend for a while. I didn't cater especially for them. I didn't cook mushrooms, because they were a genuine no-no for the kid. Otherwise made what I would have made anyway.

Special shop for a play date, no problem. Special weekly shop, OP? Does the other mum pay for this? Our I-won't-eat-veg-or-noodles-or-chicken-or-beans guest quickly ate all of the above. If she hadn't she would simply have had one late (and at home) dinner per week. Really not my problem.

I think some posters mix up a special guest with a weekly favour here.

RowRowRowCrocodileScream · 20/03/2016 11:15

Just say it's too much trouble for you and let him go to someone kind
Coconutty it's pretty harsh to say that OP is not kind. She's agreed to look after her friend's DS an evening a week as a regular arrangement which seems pretty kind to me.

She has a different approach to feeding her children from her friend but as PP have said, apparently fussy children will often happily eat what they are given if they are in different circumstances (the cub camp example to name one).

Floggingmolly · 20/03/2016 11:15

I'd serve what I'd intended to anyway, and let him eat it or not. He won't starve. I might feel differently if he was just coming over for an occasional play date (and I'd invited him); but if he's going to be in your home every week for the foreseeable future, I wouldn't set myself up for an evening a week of pratting round with crusts Hmm

paxillin · 20/03/2016 11:23

Yes, RowRowRowCrocodileScream, "Just say it's too much trouble for you and let him go to someone kind." assumes parents are queuing round the block to do this favour to somebody, aren't they Grin. Our school community is very supportive and you will always find someone to step in at an emergency. For a weekly gig, you'll have to take what some kindly soul offers though.

inlovewithhubby · 20/03/2016 11:27

I think the PP who suggested op wasn't kind is well out of order - she's looking after someone's child as a favour - that doesn't mean she has to turn into that particular parent herself and pander to food fads which contradicts her own beliefs and practices.

I have one fusspot so get the issues and frustrations with faddy eaters. I was historically a fuss pot too and ate only cereal, for every meal, until I was 5, went to school and was exposed to no choice, when strangely enough my food tastes widened. I don't think my parents made the right choice in allowing my fussiness to overwhelm common sense. I now eat anything, but had many years of childhood poor health which I'm pretty sure was linked to a really crap diet with no fresh fruit or vegetables and an unusually 'sweet' taste preference from only eating cereal for 5 years.

I look after another family once a week. One very fussy eater, one brilliant. I do one meal, and it's amazing what seeing other kids eat will do for fussy eaters. My own fussy daughter eats more varied food when she sees her friend tucking in. The fussy friend won't always eat what I make but will usually have a good stab. I wouldn't like the message that giving a cheese sandwich/bowl of cereal/McDonald's chips (wtf with that one) when everyone else is eating 'normally' would send to my own kids about the world revolving around one single person rather than everyone finding their own place in an existing orbit.

DreamFever · 20/03/2016 11:53

I agree that it's good for a child to have a varied diet, but it's not necessarily the parents fault if a child's a fussy eater. If it's troublesome providing food this child likes, then ask his parents to send food with him.

I have no allergies, no SN. I was a very fussy eater as a child, the list of things I would eat was quite short. My parents providing more varied food as options didn't help. People trying to encourage or pressure me into eating different foods only made me distressed and more determined not to try foods, and in some cases left me with an aversion to even the sight of the food in question. I would have preferred to go hungry rather than eat foods I was uncomfortable with.

I have a much more varied diet now as an adult BTW.

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