To be down due to where I live?

[TurtleEclipseofTheHeart]

DP and I bought a house when I was pregnant and it was all we could afford so we now live in a famous dump, on a notorious estate. Area is increasing in value and our house needs work so we should sell it on for a profit soon enough but will still have to live in said crap town.
I didn't mind that too much, it is near enough to a great city for weekend trips and we are frugal and happy spending time as a family pottering at home (DS is 6mo).

However, despite having always been treated as a relatively intelligent person, I find HCPs here treat me as though I'm going to give my child pureed sugar, cigarette butts and chicken nuggets if they don't tell me otherwise. I'm pretty sure this is because of the area I live in. Or maybe all mums are treated as though they have absolutely no grasp on how to bring up a healthy baby? My son is thriving, I am (hopefully) articulate, I just feel so patronised by HCPs as though I must be thick because I live in a deprived area!

I'm also finding it hard to meet like-minded friends here. I do meet people sometimes but no-one I really relate to. I had hoped that due to the economy and our proximity to a pretty liberal city that there would be plenty of similar people around but I don't feel like I fit in with anyone I've met. I feel so isolated and down. I miss my family, I miss living somewhere where I could carve out a social life that made me feel like myself, I miss being treated like a valued person. I feel so sad that this is my experience of being a new mum when if I lived elsewhere it could have been so different. AIBU? Does this mum friendly utopia exist?

I honestly don't think not wanting to live in a high crime area with a drug problem while having anxiety and a young baby is snobby.

I really feel for you, OP. We had moved south when I had my first. I was old by the standards of where I grew up (rough, West Yorkshire) but about 15 years younger than many of the other NCT mums. I didn't fit in back home as my old friends' children were around ten and didn't fit in in the part of London we were in as we were so much younger and poorer than our supposed contemporaries. We had a tiny flat (which was worth a fortune compared with where I grew up) but wasn't a £1 million+ house like those owned by the other NCT ladies. DH and I thought we'd been doing pretty well for ourselves up until then, considering our backgrounds and the fact we'd both been to university! It turns out they and the HCPs were all looking down on us. People can be so shallow.

I did expect some people would call me snobby and obviously they are entitled to their opinion, but I can only imagine that you haven't been in this situation. My dad, as an example, grew up on a council estate pre-Thatcher, when it was much more typical for working class people to live in social housing and I don't think he felt any stigma; all the families nearby worked and it was just somewhere for people to live if they worked in low-paid jobs. There was a community feel. When he then got married in the 80's he bought a house, because it was the upwardly mobile thing to do and he wanted to own property. He worked in a factory and for not much money was able to buy a decent little 2 bedroom house in the town he grew up in. My parents went on to buy bigger and bigger houses.
When I excelled at school, I was encouraged to go to university because I would come out and get a well paid job, and ultimately set out on an even more comfortable path than my parents as a result of my hard work and supposed intelligence. If my dad could buy a decent 2 bedroom house in our hometown on factory wages, you would think my first home would be either larger, in a nicer area, or certainly equivalent to the house I was born into. After all, I had a higher level of education, and as such had better earning potential. I graduated into the recession though, and I did as well as I could in the circumstances and worked hard to build up a career, although I never achieved what was predicted despite my efforts. DP had a very similar background and has done better than me career-wise. As per previous posts, we are now 30, and in our first home. Our income is much higher than my dad's in the 80's, allowing for inflation, but we could not buy his first property. Our only option was to buy in a council estate, like the one my dad moved out of. Except the demographic of council estates has changed since Thatcher. Some of our neighbours are just like the people my dad grew up around- decent, friendly and on a low income. Many are unemployed, addicts and/or thugs, for want of a better word. So my hard work through school, college, uni and then my career, and DP's had resulted in us living in an area where I wouldn't walk around at night, and I've had children bark at me. Professionals treat me like I must be stupid, possibly because they presume that anyone with prospects will have left the area. I accept that graduate opportunities aren't really there, I accept that we aren't living in a palace, but do you honestly think it is unreasonable or snobby that I think DP and I should be able to buy say a 2 bed house on a non-council estate as our starter home? Do you honestly think it is wrong of me not to want DS going to primary school with kids who bark at strangers and whose parents are drug addicts?

OP, I don't think you're a snob

Whereabouts in the country are you? (Apologies if you've already said.)

Ugh- I know it sounds weird but I would rather not say exactly where as I would be mortified if someone was like "whaat it's my town and I love it." Or if someone was able to identify me from it in some way. But it is in the South West.

You're not a snob. Your were sold a dream by the baby boomers and when it came to it, that dream had disappeared. I was the first in our family to go to university, worked my arse off at school and after, and in the area where we first bought, our mortgage was 6 times the average national income!!! I'm surprised we got a mortgage to be honest. And that's two of us who both did a degree, and postgrad qualifications, and are reasonably intelligent... It still winds me up when DM goes on about house buying and disposable income and so on. As a proportion of our income, housing has always cost us way, way more than it cost the baby boomer generation. Meanwhile, they retire early with their multiple properties, holiday homes overseas, and wring their hands at the number of their offspring who can't afford to get on the property ladder. Hmm. I wonder why?!

Is there any way you can move to either a different area of the country or to another country, where things would be easier?

Dh and I did a similar thing. Cheap house as a temporary stop gap.

Still there 12.5 years later and completely mortgage free. Stayed for the fab primary school!

I found that it didn't take long to carve out a bit of a reputation with most HCP's. Asking a few questions or initiating discussions at a level they're not used to tends to help. It's a shame the patient groups were a flash in the pan.

Tbh you don't really see health visitors much once the baby is 6 months or so, so I don't think that issue will be in your mind much longer.

You're not a snob.

Being a new mum is hard. Being anxious makes it harder.
I was in a similar position to you, (new baby, anxiety and not loving or feeling like I fit in where I lived). I was told to go to a local mother and baby group but really struggled to make friends and conversation which threw me completely, I've never, ever, had a problem chatting to all sorts of people in various environments. So I actually felt worse after my futile efforts at baby groups.

Look, becoming a mother can trigger an identity crisis. I know that was the case for me. I found the adjustment hard (hello PND) and looking back felt like I was treading water for over a year as I tried to figure out who the fuck I was. That's made so much harder if you're surrounded by people who think very differently - "I couldn't bear to leave my child in a nursery", "I didn't have kids do someone else could raise them"... Those kind of comments can and do affect your judgment if you're feeling emotionally fragile to begin with. I started to feel guilty for wanting to go back to my job, when pre-pregnancy there was never any question that I'd quit! But that guilt wasn't 'me', it was coming from a persistent hum around me.

Just different attitudes and outlooks, but polar opposite to mine. Usually that wouldn't bother me but as I was already feeling very fragile and unsure of myself, the groupthink made me very unhappy.

Keep your eye on the prize of moving someplace that suits you better.

OP, you may be feeling quite sensitive post-partum because of your change of circumstances and you are possibly internalising things a little.

In my experience, HCPs do tend to talk to you as though you are about six years old. My midwife knows what I do for a living, yet she has this default manner that sometimes wavers from concerned and caring into a kind of patronising nursery talk.

When it irks you, remember that many HCPs deal with women that do not have a very high level of education or may not even be able to speak English, and HCPs are trained to ensure the basics like not feeding your four week old baby a slice of bread or giving them warm milky tea in a bottle are covered.

For example, one of my friends is a health visitor and she goes to homes where the mothers really have no idea what is happening to them post-partum. No-one has ever told them that women's breasts are used for feeding babies, for example. This sort of thing does tend to influence their approach to the job.

Unfortunately, as so often is the case in modern Britain, people who are capable, and do not have enormous red flags hanging over them, tend to get left to their own devices and their problems tend to be overlooked.

As for your area, it is swings and roundabouts. I live in an ex-council house and half the homes on my street are HA. While my next door neighbours struggle with modern life (I think there are some undiagnosed learning difficulties), we get on very well with other neighbours -- even though we are all very different people. And people can surprise you. One of my neighbours looks like the epitome of a thuggish skinhead, but he is a lovely bloke.

I've lived in areas with people supposedly "more like me", and found it very competitive and weird.

And, to be honest, op, 30 is pretty good to have bought your first home these days.

"I had my 24 week midwife appointment and she wanted to do my carbon monoxide level again (had it done at booking in) when I asked why she said the majority of her patients continue to smoke throughout pregnancy. This is despite me telling her that I haven't smoked in nearly 10 years."

I think this is a requirement for all expectant mothers now -- and they have to do the tests for everyone.

I feel you OP the town I live in is like shameless, at one point it had the highest obesity rate in the UK, my town is a shit hole.

I once asked my friend if she'd be Disapointed if she stayed here all her life,

What's that saying you can either ......... Or you can rock out to it.

Make the most of what you've got, that's why I've learnt.

Good luck op!

Oh yes. Posting to read up. My old house in Winchester is now worth 3 x what I paid for it in 2001 and there is now we could now afford it. Your OP is a constant underlying thought in my head - coupled with nt being able to really tall about it without sounding a snob.

we brought in council estate as it was what we could afford when house prices were rocketing. It was supposed to be the stepping stone house but we are now trapped in negative equity. Luckily the estate is quite nice, yes there some rough elements but no drugs and a good moral standard held by most of the community as they want to keep the area nice. I feel very safe where we live but totally out of touch with community - dh is better at it than me as more chatty, didn't do education and worked his way up - lots of them think I'm stuck up not chronically shy, doesn't help I'm from a different part of the country where this is dh area lol.

But we chose to have our doctors outside the estate in the local town so all baby stuff was done there which meant a much more diverse demographic. The same which BF groups and mum and toddlers. Though the toddler group in the estate was much more helpful with my pre diagnosis ADHD toddler as the other mums weren't afraid to lift him if he was getting a bit ott while I was BF baby - much less judgy - nice ladies though no swearing.

It sent my dc to school outside the estate to give them a broader friend basis which has worked well. I'm generally content. Some kids from dc won't come for play dates and there is a bit of looking down nose at school so sometimes feels like I'm stuck between two worlds. I work pt which has made me some brilliant like minded friends which helped hugely.

I'm the same OP! I travel 30 mins to go to sing and sign groups otherwise I feel like I have very little in common with other mums in the groups.
Was lucky enough to do NCT classes with DFd and meet like minded people but would feel a bit stupid with my 2nd. I'm beginning to feel depressed already.

Agree with WERKS post op.

I bet even if your HCP went to visit Katherine Cambridge her very self, she would be talking to her in the same way.

She I imagine simply has a blanket manner, get in, as werks said - get the basics, and move on. She may not look to your books as a sign..or even see them. I imagine she is busy.

I had awful HV, and its often on here that many others do too..

You want her to look at you, as different and not needing special groups and so on...almost to validate you.

I think you need to go easy on yourself....dont let her define how you feel!
Many new mums go through a crisis of self esteem anyway.

When DH and I were looking houses we already knew our area well, but one sneaky estate agent was trying to pass of ex council houses on a notorious rough estate as good value and nice area. I dont like estates, poor ones, middle ones, or the rich ones....

we ended up on a mixed road, with a good dose of police activity I can tell you....my goodness, but plenty of families similar to us as well...
At our NCT I found out someone had brought the house on the estate...I dunno it also had police prescene but it seemed glomier than where we are for some reason, and NCT lady always moaning about it...BUT she could have got our house for same price.

Long and short of it, MOVE.

Nothing is impossible the lady that brought that house we avoided was saying - norhitng else, but she only likes estates....she has now upgraded to another estate which I think is also grim.

Get somewhere like Werks which has a mix....much better.

I feel your pain. We moved from a heroin supermarket, to Scratter Central, and then to Banjo Country. Still, most of our neighbours are working albeit racist, and the current Naughtiest Boy In The Road was recently crippled by his dealer.

Just wish they were less...Fenny.

OP I am with you 100% on this.
I have been there, you feel like a square peg in a round hole. Its bloody awful. Luckily I managed to move. Good luck

I moved to a 'deprived' area when I was 17 after living in more affluent areas. I had all sorts of snobby preconceptions about it but 12 years later and 2 dc I'm still there and love it now.
We have been lucky to buy 3bed ex council house cheaply and due to immigration and regeneration the area is increasingly become diverse and desirable. Of course there are still social problems, but most people are lovely and our local primary school is very highly rated. I've also come to understand the root of the social problems and not simply blame individuals.

HCP's were patrionising to me too (still are), although I was fairly young when DS was born. I got my degree after having DS and found their attitude did change a bit. Used to annoy me but now I just rise above it. My GP still asks me how 'college' is going, I just smile and nod. Due to having DD I haven't done much yet with my degree and I still get sent on all these courses. But I've also met some lovely people- warm, intelligent and generous, at these courses and got some great volunteer work through it. Some people I've done volunteering with have gone on to get good jobs and none of them have degrees, so I'm learning being educated isn't everything and never to judge a place or people .

"just move". Oh if we were suddenly given a vast fortune we so would.