To be down due to where I live?

[TurtleEclipseofTheHeart]

DP and I bought a house when I was pregnant and it was all we could afford so we now live in a famous dump, on a notorious estate. Area is increasing in value and our house needs work so we should sell it on for a profit soon enough but will still have to live in said crap town.
I didn't mind that too much, it is near enough to a great city for weekend trips and we are frugal and happy spending time as a family pottering at home (DS is 6mo).

However, despite having always been treated as a relatively intelligent person, I find HCPs here treat me as though I'm going to give my child pureed sugar, cigarette butts and chicken nuggets if they don't tell me otherwise. I'm pretty sure this is because of the area I live in. Or maybe all mums are treated as though they have absolutely no grasp on how to bring up a healthy baby? My son is thriving, I am (hopefully) articulate, I just feel so patronised by HCPs as though I must be thick because I live in a deprived area!

I'm also finding it hard to meet like-minded friends here. I do meet people sometimes but no-one I really relate to. I had hoped that due to the economy and our proximity to a pretty liberal city that there would be plenty of similar people around but I don't feel like I fit in with anyone I've met. I feel so isolated and down. I miss my family, I miss living somewhere where I could carve out a social life that made me feel like myself, I miss being treated like a valued person. I feel so sad that this is my experience of being a new mum when if I lived elsewhere it could have been so different. AIBU? Does this mum friendly utopia exist?

Not daft at all Strawberry- pre-baby I was definitely better dressed. I don't need to go often and there are other clinics across the town so next time I want to get DS weighed I will go elsewhere and will look a bit more "done".

I have failed to find the original research, but Gerry Mooney wrote a good report entitled "'Problem' places, 'problem' people" regarding social policy and council estates.

OP: I sympathise with your feelings about that course and I can understand it.
I suggest you remember how it felt and next time you hear some narrative about "hard to reach people" know that working class people feel it too.
I saw a study on people on one particular estate and the women had lower self esteem than the men and a less positive view of the area. The researcher put it down to greater contact with proffessionals. The women were made painfully aware of what outsiders though about them/their parenting.

The HCP was out of order with the course thing Turtle. But do remember that when you give birth you become A Mum, you are not a person other than being A Mum, and your education, life experience, work history and indeed half your brain get erased (in the eyes of HCPs) This happens to us all.... they usually explain things to you as if you are 3 years old and not too bright. Used to drive me up the wall. Though clearly if you do not live in a naice area you can't have had an education in the first place!

Piratepete this is awful One lady even enrolled me on a level 2 maths course without asking me

please don't feel down about where you live.

some of the best and loveliest friends i have are exactly the same as you - the degrees, clever and liberal, the house (well decorated and looked after) owned on an estate which has private rent/owned but more council on the outskirts of a city. heir children are bright and go to loads of clubs and groups and they are always out on trips exploring the country.

both sets of friends make a real effort to expose their kids to a broad range of things and the school catchments covers all the socio-economic groups so there is a mix of people.

i live in a "nice" area and i've just had to keep going to different groups and things until i found my "fit" with people as often ive felt i couldnt keep up with the new cars, the constant joules/boden types/all the center parc and spanish villa holidays etc.

in the past i've also felt a bit stupid/ been told the obvious etc by my hv and midwife so i think its just how they are and they speak simply to all patients.

I suppose what I need to do is let go of it. But I really take things to heart and have low self-esteem so I do just feel down about it all, and about the absolute shit state the economy is in that two 30 year old graduates from good universities with decent jobs are only able to buy a house on a rough estate in an area where there is a significant drug problem and nothing of cultural interest. How do I just let it go, not care what snap judgements might be made by people about us and just make the most of the situation instead of feeling shafted, angry and bad about myself?

I know where you're coming from OP.

I live very close to a deprived-ish area, that's where my health centre is. When my baby was first born the midwife was telling me about different breastfeeding groups around my city. She checked if I could drive and suggested I go to one where she lives (which is a more affluent area) because they all look nice and go to a cafe bar afterwards etc etc. I knew she was not-so-subtly hinting that my more local one would probably be not-so-naice.

As it happens I went to my local one and everyone is lovely (though a lot of the people not that local to the area). The mums I've met in my local area I have a lot more common ground with than ones I met at a yoga class (I know ) in a more affluent area.

I have been very very lucky to just find a few people that I really click with. But hopefully it will happen to you too. Are you breastfeeding? If there are groups nearby with a focus on that it could help maybe?

If you're not married then being a SAHM puts you in an economically vulnerable position.

In your shoes I'd be worrying about that more than what some HCP might think.

Yes, housing is crazy expensive, but you clearly had a plan to try to do the "property ladder" thing hence buying where you have done and hoping the value will go up.

Yip - we're in an ex council house and I used to find some way to mention my normal job almost immediately when dealing with doctors / health visitors etc so that they wouldn't think I was unemployable!

Where abouts are you op?

HCP are fairly patronising generally I've found.

Sympathies with your wider points.

I would agree with pp who say that most hcps talk to all mothers like they have just had a lobotomy..not a baby. I had my kids when I was a bit older and despite having managed to grasp birth control for the twenty years I was sexually active prior to having children,
EVERY hp from the midwife who was in the middle of delivering my baby, to the health visitor, to my g.p. all spent an extraordinary amount of time on asking me about which form of contraception I was planning on using. Really wanted to tell them that I'd just wash myself out with a can of coke after!

Oh gosh, you could be me!

I don't fit in around where I live. Especially at the school my children attend. I got called a stuck up bitch because I gave two women "the look" for swearing (not just a word, every other word was f*k, tw@ or c**) whilst we were all queued up at the start of the day. I think the vast majority don't work and most look drugged up or hungover. It really is quite sad.

The health visitor came to see me a while ago and spoke to me like I was an eejit. She nearly fell off my sofa when I told her that "yes, they both have the same dad and he is still around", even more shocked that we both have "good jobs".

But do you know what annoyed me the most? When she (HV) found all that out she totally changed her tune and spoke to me like an equal. That really wound me up because it shouldn't matter whether you're a single mum or unemployed or whatever, they should treat us all the same. Jeez, I'm no better than anyone else (except perhaps the sweary mums), just different but not better and certainly no more deserving of their niceness.

I have no friends round here though. We are just different people. We are buying our first house soon in a "nicer" area so who knows? Maybe I'll be the scratty one soon. Haha x

turtle, its hard to be happy with with what you've got! dh earns a good old salary (im a graduate and masters and i earn nmw!!!!) and i often think we should have more to show for it property-wise but we dont.

we have friends from a massive range of "stereotype" and socio- economic groups and i would never dismiss anyone as a friend, if they are nice, they are nice!

"stereotypes", obviously!

also, sadly people do make snap judgements, i look really unkempt and scruffy and totally expect people to make judgements - you can never know anyone's complete story from giving them a quick once over.

Why not sell and live in an area you feel you are better suited to?
A nasty feeling on this thread imo.

This could be me. I live in Bradford, it's fucking awful and we aren't in a position to move. I moved here to be with DP and just feel like I'm from a different world sometimes. I had my 24 week midwife appointment and she wanted to do my carbon monoxide level again (had it done at booking in) when I asked why she said the majority of her patients continue to smoke throughout pregnancy. This is despite me telling her that I haven't smoked in nearly 10 years. When I was enquiring about baby groups, baby massage etc she gave me a leaflet and there is one baby massage class and one toddler group in my local area. There are benefits support drop ins every week day. It's grim.
Im originally from a rough estate in leeds but my parents moved us out and insisted we got opportunities they didn't have because of the area we lived and when I look around me now I sometimes think how have I ended up back here.

Sorry for the ramble OP. But I can thoroughly sympathise with you and clearly others on this thread.

Just read back my post... It makes me sad that my parents had to move us for better opportunities when actually it's people from deprived areas that need these opportunities. That there is such inequality based on where you live.

Frika, I'm just down the road... Halifax! :)

I don't think it's necessarily snobbery; I had DS1 fresh out of Uni (well, 24). As an unmarried Mum coming from a Midlands coal town, HCP's presumed the absolute worst of me and were condescending and outright rude at times. It's as though being a Mum took away anything else I had about me. It's a definite thing that people do make judgements on where you live and come from, most often without even meaning to.

We've moved 30 minutes away to a 'naice' sort of village now. The result is that I absolutely do not fit in anywhere; I'm educated and bright, but couldn't give a shite about the competitive parenting artisan bread no diversity peaceful parenting thing going on here. I almost wish we'd stayed put in the original place; my childhood friends and family were all there. Why we thought we'd go upmarket is beyond me (though the schools here are great). I choose to work full time in a local school rather than run the SAHM gauntlet; it just looks incredibly hard.

i'm not a snob - just saying it doesnt matter where you live its what you make of life.

I was 25, unwed, single and very young looking when I was pregnant. I also lived in a 'deprived area' because I was 25 and moved there because it was cheap and meant I had extra party/frock/slap money.

HVs had a field day. Referred to a teen mum group twice. Referred me to lifestyle classes in case I couldn't cook, clean or pay bills.

In retrospect, I should send some of my ex boyfriends to those classes.