Tell me about things that really piss you off even though you know you're being unreasonable...

[CrazyNewDogLady]

I'll start.

My mum always puts 'your' in front of every single activity, work, hobby I do and it annoys the fucking life out of me. For example, me and DH bake a cake every Saturday because we're cool like that. Every time we speak on Saturdays she asks 'Did you do your baking today?'. I find it patronising, like she's saying 'Did you do your little baking activity today? Ah, good girl'.

I know I'm BU. I know she doesn't mean to be patronising but it boils my piss. But because I'm BU, I can't say anything. So I have to just fume quietly and vent on MN

When DH is happily sleeping facing the wall and I am trying to fall asleep facing him. Then suddenly, just as I'm driting off, DH flips over and starts breathing in my face. There's nothing wrong with his breath, but aargh.

Throat clearers. And when fil refers to Chinese people as "a Chinese" rather than "a chinese person". It's a fucking adjective!

Yy Roboticsealpup I howled when I read your talk-through of the annoyance of answerphone horror.

I hate it when people try pseudo-psychological persuasive language bullshit on me just coz they've read a bloody wanky book on the subject. "It would be great if we went to town, wouldn't it? You could get DH to babysit, we could take it in turns to drive then go to XYZ for a lovely dinner" All of which is what THEY want to do, not me. I don't need persuasive language "experts" trying to convince me to do stuff, thank you very much.

People who say "Fair enough" or "Fair do's" when it most certainly isn't and never will be.

People who go on and on about how busy they are but spend hours a week watching Corrie, Eastenders, Home and aFuckingway, and oh did you see Hollyoaks last night? No, I fucking didn't. Piss off.

"Drivers" who indicate one way then swerve in front of you and switch lanes at the last minute. Nobs. People who don't fucking indicate at all at roundabouts, junctions. Mind-readers are we? Nobs. People who write shit and post shit on fb about "my ds is my world" every day, tickers - it's been 4 days, 3 hours and 96 seconds since I last had a shit. You're full of it, that's why.

People who refuse to tie their shoelaces even though they have had it pointed out to them. Morons.

Strangers talking to my children. Fuck off. Yes, ds1 is X, yes ds2 is y and dd is z but can you just fuck off and let us be?
Poor grammar. Sorry. Never sorry.
Attention-seeking.
Trousers that are too short - ankle-swingers.
I could go on and on and on......

One more thing before I go to work - Davina McCall.

She presents everything! I'm all for career progression, but come on, Nature Shows? Leave some jobs for other people lady!

(this has nothing to do with envy of any kind )

People who pronounce Gatwick without the 't' in the middle It is Gatwick ffs

People who take for ever to get off the train, but then have a go when you get on. I appreciate you let people off first but that then obligates you to get off the train in a reasonable amount of time. And I get it, we've all nodded off or been engrossed in our phone and looked up to see it's our stop, but at least don't give me an earful because you weren't paying attention.

I hate people who can't spell simple words such as what (wot).
My husband facing me in bed and breathing in my face
People standing in a queue too near to me
Husband and a large part of the population who cannot fucking pronounce their TH's - teeth becomes teef, bath becomes barf it really fucks me off
Being called hun by people I don't know
Irritating whining mums about school issues such as 'my child got too muddy in the digger pit it should be removed' sigh
My husband who talks to me all the time
My husband who bothers me when I'm in the loo because frankly time is precious and I rarely with three kids get a loo break on my own
Smug parents
Judgey parents who don't know me or my children but find it acceptable to comment on my children's disabilities
Lateness - why is it fine for people to waste my time?
Not being able to get a doctors appointment for a certain day even though I know I can make it but being told I have to ring on the day
Animal hair
People eating
People forcing me to try food I do not want to try and have already said I don't want to try
Rain when it's time to do the school run
Two faced people
Endless paperwork from school
Professionals and their complete lack of organisation
Birds tweeting

Reading through the list above makes me look like an angry, ragging, stabby person which I am but only about 90% of the time.

I have a FB acquaintance who is a master (mistress) of attention-seeking posts.
P: "Took me 40 minutes to get to work today. Awful traffic!"
Q: "So why don't you leave earlier to avoid the traffic?"
P: "Because then I come too early and would have to sit here for 15 minutes before work starts." (i.e. in a warm office with a cup of coffee instead of a traffic jam).

Constant posts:

P: "Oh, it's Friday afternoon, there's still vacuum cleaning, washing, cooking and shopping to do after I return from work and I have a severe back pain. Insane!"
Q: "Your husband is at home at the moment, you have a son who is 11 and your daughter is 17. Can't they help?"
P: "What's your problem with my children and my husband? Why can't you leave them alone!"

"Oh, great, starting a week with a migraine."
"Oh, another day with a migraine."
"Third day in a row with a migraine."
"Thursday and it's migraine day." etc. etc.

"I'm not sure the life of a working mother is for me, it's way too busy."

"Oh, it looks like I'm losing my job, I want to keep working."

I don't want to unfriend her but I had to unfollow her after I ran out of sympathy. The funny side is that she has some strong opinions and has been known to waddle into other FB conversations to stir some serious crap. I just take out my popcorn and watch the drama unfold. The carnage beats GoT.

Birds tweeting

That made me laugh.

Drivers who suddenly pull out in front of you causing you to come to an eminency stop, then crawl along at half the speed limit.

Anal men on trains who position themselves at the exact point the the doors will open then shove and push in front of you (when heavily pregnant) and don’t let people off the train first. Sooo important you get a seat before anyone else isn’t it?

Ditherers generally, on streets, on transport, in cars, creeping along, holding everyone else up

People who lack basic manners to show thanks/appreciation in return for a kind gesture, again mainly on/using transport

Agree with previous re. ridiculous cost of Dominos pizzas! I did love them but such a rip off for what they are…hoping Pizza Express delivering will force them into lowering prices.

My children, who want 100% of my attention 100% of the fucking time.

The baby who won't nap at convenient times.

The four year old who emotionally blackmails me every time I'm stuck doing something with the baby.

I'M ON MY OWN MUMMY!
I NEED SOMEONE TO LOOK AFTER ME MUMMY!
MUMMY, I'M ON MY OWN!
MUMMY!
MUMMY!

emergency stop rather...

People who drive well below the speed limit on a clear road in good conditions. You're just an obstacle.
People who say they like a 'neutral/bright lip' instead of just liking neutral/bright lipstick. Stop it now.
People who refer to their homes as 'a properteeee' Yeucchh.

My mum's jaw makes clicking noise when she's chewing. It has nothing to do with the type of food she is chewing or how she is doing it. She cannot help it.
It gives me blind rage.

Justin sodding Tumble and his inability to pronounce library.

Lie-breeee. That's it. You sign Lie-breeeee. Well done John. Lie-breeeeee.

It has THREE syllables you Tumbling Cunt.

My DH makes facial expressions to mimic the baby screaming to make it look like he's the one screaming. I flipped out about it yesterday

Oh and the expression "on fleek".

Her eyebrows are "on fleek".

When your selfie is "on fleek".

Fuck off and get a job.

Also, people who say "expresso". People who use "anniversary" when it's not an annual thing, people who pronounce 'th' as an 'f' and people who shorten the word 'anniversary'
"OMG IT'S MY FREE MONF ANNI WIF MY BAE BOY!", no you've been with your boyfriend for three months. Fuck off.
See also: bae.

And the expression "life hacks".

Oh god I need to get a life! #matleave

And when fil refers to Chinese people as "a Chinese" rather than "a chinese person". It's a fucking adjective!

And a noun.

When I'm in a shop there's no one else in the aisle I want to look at stuff in and then suddenly shed loads of people turn up and want to look at the exact same section as me and then reach over me or shove me out of the way FFS!!

When I'm working and no one walks past my desk the entire time - as soon as I fire up MNET everyone wants to go to the loo, to the kitchen, outside for a fag, then I have to minimise by browser about 50 times in a minute JUST SIT DOWN UNTIL I'VE FINISHED BROWSING!!!

When my OH comes to my house and insists on washing his grubby hands immediately in the washing up water I've just prepared for the dishes.

When my OH brings me all the dishes to the sink after we've eaten and then waits until I've finished washing up and emptied the sink to announce there was one plate/cup he forgot to fetch... WTF

When people have forgotten things I've told them and then insisted I didn't tell them in the first place

People sniffing loudly and repeatedly

People chewing loudly/with their mouth open/breathing loudly whilst eating.

People that say Chimley instead of chimney

People that pronounce trough (as in animal trough) as "trow" wtf is a trow?!

When need to ask me something on works messenger - say "hi" which I immediately respond back with "hi" then they take half hour to send the next part!

When someone is talking to me on works messenger and it will say "x is typing" then it stops... then "x is typing" then it stops.... and then eventually they send "ok" FFS JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT AND PRESS SEND!!!

When I'm in the middle of an argument with OH over whatsapp and either a work colleague or (if im at home) neighbour comes over and insists on talking crap to me which means I have to put my phone away ffs

The fact that its taken me an hour to type this because people keep walking past my desk!!!

People who have the audacity to shit in the bathroom before I take a bath.

Neighbours in gardens. I pretend I don't see mine when we're both in our gardens, completely ignore them, but greet them like long lost family members when I meet them elsewhere!

People who want to stop and chat when dropping my child off at school in the morning. I don't have any make up on for fuck sake, tell me at 3 o'clock when I'm in full drag!

People on Facebook who use a full stop instead of a space. Quite common. Anyone know why?

DH comes home some days for lunch. He eats his sandwich whilst sitting on the couch and will leave the plate, empty crisp packet and can of whatever either on the couch or on the floor by it.

He has to walk past the kitchen to get out of the house. I don't understand why it's so difficult for him to pick it all up and put it in the bin and sink?

People at swimming lessons who leave their child's clothes in the changing cubicles. There's a whole wall of lockers, or you can pack them up and take them with you to the cafe so that other people can use the cubicles to change in. There are signs everywhere telling you not to leave stuff in them. Selfish arseholes.

People who say 'can I get a flat white/hot chocolate/blt/whatever' instead of 'can I have' (usually in uber-trendy coffee shops).
I know it's an Americanism, but it drives me nuts to hear Brits saying it. No, you can't 'get' your poncy coffee, because that would imply you are going to climb over the counter and make it yourself. You may 'have' a coffee, but no, you can't bloody well get it.