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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Apparently I have ruined dc1s birthday and they are going to tell everyone...

69 replies

owlsintheflowerpatch · 16/03/2016 08:40

Went out of my way to try and give dc1 a nice birthday despite being a single parent, one income, no financial (or otherwise) support from ex.

Couldn't afford a party or day out but my Mum is paying for a cheap hotel at the seaside at Easter so they aren't missing out.

As it was a kind of milestone birthday I bought a keepsake gift they would like and then spent a small amount of money on cheapish items I knew they would really like and use plus one of those take out meals from the supermarket and a cake.

Dc1 came home telling me all about what nice things had happened at school. Lovely but no sign of thanks for anything I had done or got for them.

Dc1 lost some sweets in their room another child gave them and had a strop then started talking to me like utter crap, tone of voice, sniping at me, pulling a face when I spoke as though I was stupid.

Twice I warned
Dc don't talk to me like that
Dc I don't want to shout at you on your birthday but you need to stop talking to me like that.
The third time I told them off properly. They went into a full on strop shouting how awful I was, how mean I was, how I had ruined their birthday and how dare I tell them off on their birthday and I had ruined it and they were going to tell everyone how awful I was. I said ahh well at this threat and was told I didn't care about their birthday and had proven it.

This morning they have told me they are going to tell everyone at school how I ruined their birthday and how awful I am because it's the truth. Hmm

Apparently I should have let dc1 talk to me like crap because it was their birthday. Sad

OP posts:
Marynary · 16/03/2016 09:43

Apparently when their teachers ask them if they had a nice birthday they will be forced to tell them I ruined it, I'm awful and I don't even care

I'm sure that they won't say any of those things. It is just the kind of thing they say in an argument at that age. At least they didn't tell you that they hate you (as my 12 year old does every now and then!).

APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/03/2016 09:43

They'll probably have forgotten all about it by the time they get to school and I imagine the teachers will give them short shrift if they even try to complain about you.

I'm sorry OP but it did make me laugh that they're telling on you to the teachers because you gave them into trouble for being rude Grin Blush

howabout · 16/03/2016 09:43

My 13 year old doesn't have birthday parties or significant presents. She doesn't even have a mobile phone. It is a standing joke with her and her mates how draconian her mother is. She only tells me I am ruining her life every other day.

Mine can be adorable but she can also be irrationally angry at me. My approach is to not engage with the bad stuff. Kind of deflating for her to be shouting and roaring at someone who has walked away. Her Dad is as hot tempered as her and they tend to just shout at each other until one or other gets bored. My advice is to not take it all too literally. Teenagers are difficult.

Liberated71 · 16/03/2016 09:43

YY to teendom- unappreciative beings with an ingrained sense of entitlement. Surely we were never like that!!!!!!! Wink

A1Sharon · 16/03/2016 09:45

OP, why are you stressing about them telling people in school?
Number 1, teachers won't even mention it-why would they? I never heard a teacher asking a child about their birthday in my life. And even if the child does mention it to a member of staff, the member of staff will think as we do-that your DC is being a typical PITA 13 year old!
Number 2- they tell their friends. All parents are horrible/pathetic/mean/unfair to teenagers. They would bitch about you even if you had provided a Kardashian style mega birthday fest. Who cares what a bunch of teenagers think about you?
her whole attitude is classic teenager-she thinks she is the centre not only of her own world but everyone else's too.Grin
No one will actually give too much thought to how her 13th birthday went.
Relax a little, it is just a phase and she will grow out of it.

tallwivglasses · 16/03/2016 09:45

Bloody he'll. Tell him or her to call social services! I doubt very much if they'll tell the teacher anything. And if they do I expect the teacher will back you up. This too will pass Flowers

bedouincheek · 16/03/2016 09:46

As a teacher I would recognise that you had done the best you could, if she explains what you have done - always take teens complaining with a pinch of salt Wink (this wouldn't present as real issues / problems at home - which would be noted / referred)
Don't worry about you DC, they will hopefully 'get it' as they realise the world stops revolving around them

NeverEverAnythingEver · 16/03/2016 09:47

"That's nice darling, I'm so happy that you can talk to your teachers. Will you also tell them how rudely you have behaved to me?"

aghteens · 16/03/2016 09:48

m.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY
Welcome to my world

aghteens · 16/03/2016 09:49

Sorry, just realised I was beaten to it. But it really is like that. Stay calm.

RudeElf · 16/03/2016 09:53

The first thing i would do if a teen told me their mother had ruined their birthday is say "why, what did you do?" Wink teachers arent stupid.

WannaBe · 16/03/2016 09:59

Ah, welcome to the first day of the next five years. Wink. Seriously though, op you sound very anxious about this, why is that? Kids kick off, they behave like selfish, entitled spoiled brats and around this age they lose a huge amount of empathy because the world is all about "meeeeeeee".

But really it does sound as if your DC know which buttons to push, "I'm going to tel my teachers" is up there with "I'm going to tell my mummy on you," which one would expect of five year olds. That kind of talk wouldn't have any kind of audience in my house, especially the day after the event. I'm afraid I would have laughed and told them to crack on then.

But with that kind of behaviour it really is like regressing back to the days of toddlers. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Are there other issues here though that make you anxious that your DC is going to talk to their teacher? Do you feel judged/under pressure/inadequate because of what you feel you can' toro vide?

Original poster
owlsintheflowerpatch · 16/03/2016 10:00

No not stressed about them telling on me to teachers just annoyed. I told them to make sure they told the teachers they were speaking to me like dirt when they did so.

There are a couple of teachers who will ask (dc1 does extra work with one, the other is a form teacher.)

No no NO to that video. Just NO waillll Grin

OP posts:
thetroubleis · 16/03/2016 10:02

Honestly, the teacher will probably be wondering how they treated you for them to get a telling off on their birthday.

You did right, being 13 is no excuse for rude and obnoxious behaviour.

BalloonSlayer · 16/03/2016 10:03

Teachers will laugh and sympathise with YOU - believe me! (That's if they did ask if they had a nice birthday, which I doubt)

I often say to my DCs "Some families have a rule where no one can tell you off on your Birthday. Not this family!"

One year DS1 (about 11?) had a birthday party at a Laser place, so v expensive, lots of running around (relevant), back home here for tea, got lots of presents, had all his mates running around here in the summer heat (relevant) for a few more hours - had an absolute blast. Later that evening he told us it was the worst day of his life. Shock Why? I hear you ask . . . because we told him he had to have a shower.

Original poster
owlsintheflowerpatch · 16/03/2016 10:07

I have no issues with them telling their teachers anything that have happened at home although perhaps I should as I was called in school in primary due to an embellished story of one of the dc!

I have huge issues about feeling inadequate due to a very long and boring ex putting me down related back story.

OP posts:
ginandmoregin · 16/03/2016 10:08

I totally get it OP, I'm a single parent too and it's so hard when you feel like you've really gone out of your way to do your best for them, and you feel like you have to make up for the fact that you're the only one, and then they throw it back in your face. I had this recently- my DC came back from a week at their dad's where, according to him they had been perfectly behaved, had a brilliant time etc. I made their favourite dinner, had got us a new film to watch together etc, I was really looking forward to seeing them... DC1 got in a huge strop over a really small thing and ended up spending the evening in her room and telling me I was the worst mum ever.

The fact that you know they are only acting out with you because you are the one they can trust/rely on doesn't always make it easier!

Original poster
owlsintheflowerpatch · 16/03/2016 10:09

Grin at the day ruined by a shower.

OP posts:
Original poster
owlsintheflowerpatch · 16/03/2016 10:10

X post ginandmoregin

Yes this completely

OP posts:
insan1tyscartching · 16/03/2016 10:11

She's thirteen,it's par for the course IME, don't let her see she gets to you as it's an incentive to do it again. Dd2 had tears on her thirteenth birthday because she had only asked for some pens and we bought her something nice besides Hmm You were absolutely right to pull her up on her birthday,it's not an excuse to behave as you like. I can't imagine any teacher will even notice that it was her birthday much less ask about it and I'm pretty sure they know the score anyway.

Butteredparsnips · 16/03/2016 10:13

You sound like you have really tried to make a special day for your DC and the strop is not acceptable. I also agree that the teachers won't be remotely interested.

But. I also remember my 13th Birthday, in the mid 80's DPs gave me money. £13. We had a family holiday abroad every year so it wasn't a financial pressure. DP, older parents, who had been brought up during WW2 just didn't believe in "spoiling" me. The difficulty for me was having to admit at school that "all"I had been given was £13. I felt very ashamed to have so little, and actually it made me feel pretty worthless.

Now of course I am ashamed that I felt ashamed, but at 13 I didn't have the resilience or understanding that I do now. All I knew was that my Birthday had been marked in a less significant way than my peers. And it really hurt.

So Flowers to you and to your DC. It sounds like you both need a hug

Original poster
owlsintheflowerpatch · 16/03/2016 10:17

My dc school must be weird.
In form they sing happy birthday with a birthday hat on and are given a small bag of sweets.

In the lunch room (admittedly for those who need support or cannot cope with the yard ) they write happy birthday on the white board and give a cup cake with a candle and sing happy birthday. The other kids in their get cupcakes or a piece of cake.

In languages if it is someone's birthday they sing happy birthday in that language.

Its a HUGE bog standard comp school.

OP posts:
RoseDog · 16/03/2016 10:21

My dc1 (dd) was 13 last month, it's has been downhill since, I can't offer words of advice just sympathy!

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 16/03/2016 10:23

Ahhhh 13.

A beautiful age.

To be honest you could organise a trip to be the 1st on the latest games console playing an 'as yet released game' against their Youtube hero with a crowd of their favourite musicians cheering them on. Throw in non stop Haribo and snacks. And the game console to take home.

And.you.would.still.be.blamed.for.something!

Probably the fact they wore the wrong tshirt and why didnt you pack their entire wardrobe. Grin

JugglingFromHereToThere · 16/03/2016 10:25

I ended up yelling at DS(14) telling him to go away on Mother's Day and felt extra bad because of the day - but you know that extra pressure is possibly why it got to that point? He was just being really annoying about something on the computer (that he found funny) when I was trying to have an important talk with DD (also about stuff on the computer - a Uni open day I was trying to plan for her)
Not my finest moment but we soon made up afterwards and I just explained too that he could have stopped - going back to the same joke I didn't get - before it got to that point. That would have been more thoughtful and kind of him.
And I try to remember that when I was yelling for him to go away it was just a specific thing for that moment - it was never meant as a general comment, nor fortunately was it really taken that way Blush

Great advice BTW from teachers here .... I'd say it's unlikely DC will even complain about you to teachers as they'll see it will only make themselves look bad really. And if they did it would be water off a duck's back to anyone who works in a school.