Do you think that women with MH issues should have children?

[FlowersAndShit]

I know this may be a sensitive topic, but I'd really like to be a mum. However, I've suffered with depression and anxiety since I was very young and although they are somewhat under control, I highly doubt I'll ever be 100% well.

I'm 25, single, not much of a support network but I have my mum who would help. I have endometriosis and adenomyosis so I'm worried about fertility and leaving it too late.

I've started to think that maybe I shouldn't ever have children, it makes me very sad but I'd probably be a huge risk of PND and I'm worried about how I'd cope with sleep deprivation and my MH issues. I know it's probably a recipe for disaster, but I doubt i'll ever be 100% well, even of medication and having therapy.

What does everyone think?

I have/ have had fairly major mh issues (bpd, bipolar, eating disorders and self harm for years)

I was told by my consultant psychiatrist that ideally I shouldn't have children but that not having them because of mh issues would actually probably make me worse.

I worked hard on dealing with underlying issues (I understand not everyone has these) I came off my meds slowly with lots of support in place.

I was under the care of the perinatal mental health team and dos end up suffering antenatal and postnatal depression.

However, I have come out the other side and o wouldn't change dd1 for anything. I have also been through a tfmr and a late mc. With decent support I've been ok (well as OK as you ever are in these situations!)

A lot of my negativity is realted to things not turning out as hoped or expected - I've had a pretty shit life so far and whilst I don't expect having children will make me happy or cure my problems, I'm almost certain they will enrich my life in many ways

Flowers, with respect - and especially if BillSykes is correct about your pattern of setting your heart on something and then losing interest - if your negativity is 'related to things not turning out as hoped or expected', then you can't place that weight of expectation on a child. Supposing parenthood, or your child, isn't 'as you hoped or expected' - suppose your child is born with, or acquires, a serious disability or illness or doesn't turn out as expected in some other way? Do you extend your idea that your life is 'pretty shit' to your child because 'this kind of thing always happens to me'? You say that you don't expect a child to cure you or make you happy, but it sounds to me as if that is exactly what you do expect.

I mentioned a bi-polar friend in my last post - she manages her condition very well and actively, is eagle-eyed at spotting the first signs of an upswing or a downswing and reacting accordingly, in accordance with advice from her GP and MH nurse, and is a wonderful parent to her two children (with the help of a supportive husband). Her MH condition in no way defines her worth as a parent, but she has worked like a demon to ensure that no element of her condition compromises her young children's lives, and it helps that she and her husband are financially stable (co-owning a business in which she can work flexibly) and have a good support system locally.

Flowers - I don't know what your personal MH situation is, but my SIL, who has bi-polar effective disorder, was referred to the safeguarding team at her booking in appointment and went through the whole of her pregnancy with her unborn child labelled at risk and under a care order. She went into a MH unit after the birth and unfortunately was not allowed to bring the baby home (adopted against her will), not because of her current MH (which has been stable for some time), but because her long term MH prognosis was so poor.

She was a single parent, with us as family support. We lived 5 minutes away and had guaranteed to act as a second family unit for times when her MH wasn't good. It wasn't enough for the welfare team.

I'm telling you this, not to scare you, but to ensure you have talked to your MH support team and any other professionals involved with your care BEFORE getting pregnant, and ensuring you have their written support that they believe you will cope with life as a single parent with MH issues. If you are a single mum with a significant MH history, you will, as I understand it, automatically be referred. This may just mean monitoring, or it may mean care plans and adoption orders.

It has been so tough for my SIL. She desperately wanted to be a parent, and misses her child so much. I wouldn't wish her journey on my worst enemy.

Although I don't agree with most of DG's post, my SIL's experience was that the social workers openly admitted that they would be viewing things very differently if she was in a long term stable relationship. When pressed to put a time scale on it, they felt someone who she had been with for at least 2 years prior to pregnancy.

You're in a position where you have time on your side to meet someone.

I had no idea of the power that social workers and safeguarding teams have, even when someone is well for 95% of the time.

In your shoes I wouldn't consider single parenthood.

That is horrific, Narnia. Makes me so angry (and frightened) - so those of us unlucky enough to have suffered illness (especially thse who are suffering because they are basically traumatised) and unlucky enough to not have a partner also aren't allowed children?

Knowing the children I have always so desperately wanted rely on finding a decent man (where are they all? The patriarchy has produced loads of shit ones!) is a major contributor to my MH issues. I've lost almost everything, I hope desperately I musn't miss out on children too. Ive been broody since I was about 14! (30 now)

I understand the advice people have given but... it hurts, the fear hurts so much. And I see crap parenting every day around me (like actually crap, ongoing, not just momentary bad day stuff!) and I know I'd parent better than that... especially as caring for others is a thing that really flicks a switch inside me and makes me cope much better.

I understand you concerns, flowers, and I've got 5 years on you... How about doing stuff and thinking of it as for future children? That's one reason I used to give up smoking (ie. I thought if I do it now I'm one step closer to being ready to conceive.) I've also travelled a fair bit and always thought "I'm doing it now, while I can". And try to do it for yourself too...

I was not consciously aware that I had mental health issues until AFTER I had children. I was not diagnosed with OCD though until I was 37! I made sense to myself then as had intrusive thoughts since childhood. My mother was diagnosed with OCD at the age of 68, after me (although not sure if she said that to get one up on me as her's is worse of course) . I am not sure whether it's genetic or just due to the cycle of abuse perpetrated down the generations.

I started suffering from an obvious anxiety problem after DD2 died at birth. I used to be able to enjoy 16+ hour flights alone with no thought that the plane might crash at any moment, loved the most scary rides at theme parks, held down a high level job in London on the 30th floor of an office block , travelled on the tube late at night without a second thought, danced on tables in nightclubs (totally sober). All of those things would fill me with terror now.

I have low level depression with the anxiety now but that is reactive and understandable due to some major things have happened in my life over the last few years.

I am very aware of my DCs emotional states and tell them all the time to talk to me about any worries they have however mad or bad they make them feel . I do worry that they will end up with the same issues as me although I comfort myself with the fact that I have a bit of knowledge about it and know where to direct them for help.

If I had my time again, knowing what I know now and out of fear that I would 'fuck up' my own DC, I probably would not have had them but conversely, I would not be consciously aware of my mental health issues as they would not have been so excerbated if I hadn't had DC. Being responsible for bringing up functioning, well adjusted human beings terrifies the hell out of me.

Definitely a supportive live -in partner is needed who is aware and understanding and who can pick up the slack on bad days. I would not advise going into it as a deliberate single parent.

Mental health issues can arise at any point in our lives though after trauma etc. Parenthood could be the breaking of you or making of you - sleep deprivation can severly impact existing mental health issues. I would think it would depend on how you function in life now and what support system you would have to rely on.

I have a long history of depression and have been on ADs on and off but mostly on since i was 11 years old. I had my first baby when i was 21 and my second at 25. both times i had PND and in fact first time round i was extremely depressed during pregnancy too. the feeling of helplessness was instantly after birth it was quite horrific.

BUT I knew exactly what had happened. I knew i needed help and due to my history what i needed and how to get it. Many women who suffer PND have never experienced depression of any kind before. to suddenly inexplicably feel that way at what is meant to be the happiest most joyful time in your life (according to society anyway) must be terrifying for them.

dont let your issues put you off i guess is what im trying to say

I chose not to, didn't think it would be fair to inflict my 'issues' on a child. I'm 41 and regret it now in a way but suspect it was ultimately the right decision in my case.