Do you think that women with MH issues should have children?

[FlowersAndShit]

I know this may be a sensitive topic, but I'd really like to be a mum. However, I've suffered with depression and anxiety since I was very young and although they are somewhat under control, I highly doubt I'll ever be 100% well.

I'm 25, single, not much of a support network but I have my mum who would help. I have endometriosis and adenomyosis so I'm worried about fertility and leaving it too late.

I've started to think that maybe I shouldn't ever have children, it makes me very sad but I'd probably be a huge risk of PND and I'm worried about how I'd cope with sleep deprivation and my MH issues. I know it's probably a recipe for disaster, but I doubt i'll ever be 100% well, even of medication and having therapy.

What does everyone think?

Yes it's also true that someone can have no MH problems at all and then be hit by severe PND after they have a child. In a sense they are less equipped to deal with it than you. But with support and treatment people do cope and are no less good as parents.

It is a very personal decision.

When I was I my 20s I felt exactly like you did. I was single and I had terrible problems with debilitating depression. Children were only a very theoretical thought, but I was convinced I wouldn't have the emotional capacity for having them. I am also convinced that if I had kids then, I probably would have done them significant emotional harm.

Fast forward a number of years, and my life got significantly better. I received the treatment I needed, and my MH has improved significantly. (I still need to watch it, but it is under control. I keep very careful tabs on it, and make sure that I deal with any possible depressive cycle before it escalates.)

I met my DP when I was 34. My daughter was born shortly before I turned 37, and my son 6 months before I turned 40. I'm currently nearly 20 weeks pregnant, and 43. I have loved nearly every moment of being a mother, even though it is a demanding and relentless job. It is hugely rewarding, and fills your life with amounts of love you didn't even believe was possible. However, you need to be able to freely give love and laughter in order to get it back.

If you feel you not will be able to handle kids now, you are probably right. You are the best judge of that. However, the person you are now is not the person you will be some years down the line. Things change. I hope you find healing and happiness somewhere down the line, sooner rather than later.

FlowersandShit I don't think there is a blanket answer to this, in that of course many women should and do have children whilst also having MH issues. That said, your posting history is very extensive and would worry me in terms of you being able to support a child, as you do post a lot about not having support and having a host of disorders with which you struggle on a daily basis. A child would massively exacerbate these IMO but that's just off going off my own experiences of the early days of parenthood in which I found the sleep deprivation and experience of having a tiny baby dependent on me nearly tipped me over the edge (with no prior history of MH).

What you would need is tonnes of support (I mean an extensive network of support inc friends/mental health professionals you have a good rapport with, not just one mum who is essentially going to parent the both of you), a partner who can pick up when things aren't going well for you, and a prospect of stability/recovery- this is what I'd be looking for in this situation.

This is not fixed though, and you are very young, so all of these factors could and will change over the next decade.

I was brought up with one parent with depression and one very stable parent and that was destabilizing enough.

I've suffered with depression most of my life, I didn't get PND with DC1 but did with DC2. I now suffer with anxiety too as a side effect of other medical issues which is a nice addition . Don't think I'm the world's best mum but I'm not the worst by any stretch. I'm also probably in the best place mentally than I've ever been thanks to my DC. Those little brats people give me so much strength.

I worried a lot in my 20s I wouldn't be good enough for a child, I've been wrong so far and am hoping it stays that way.

I hope thats of some help

Well I don't see why you shouldn't.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression & anxiety at 12yo. I'm now 27, married (since January) & we have 4 children together. I also have endo too. We don't have an abundance of family support, only my dad really as MIL passed away when DC1 was 14 months old. FIL is lovely but a bit useless with children, his new partner is excellent with them but has GDC of her own (they're not favoured over our in any way). They do babysit a couple of times a year though which is a welcome break.

Find someone who understands you, that will be there to support & everything will slot in to place. As you say you might never be 100% I'm sure as hell not but that doesn't mean you won't make a fantastic partner/wife & mother.

I think that your self-awareness and ability to even ask this question suggests that you would be ok to have children, because you would seek help if things did start to get out of hand.

It's people who don't recognise their illness, or who fail to seek help when required, who cause more problems for their DC, not necessarily deliberately, I hasten to add! But that's not you.

I would try and make sure that you are in a stable loving relationship, with someone who is fully aware of your issues and needs, before you contemplate children though.

Well your question is 'should you have children' which is very personal. Women and men with MH issues do have children and, some don't and that works out differently for different people, in different circumstances.

Sorry that's not very helpful but people's experiences are so different and, individuals circumstances and lives change.

I can't speak for anyone else but I don't have children as I suffer from anxiety and depression. I may have been a good mother but I didn't want to take the risk of passing on my own issues. I'm too old now so too late to change my mind.

I think it utterly depends on the nature of your mental health problems. I'm sorry but as a child (and grandchild and great grandchild) of someone who simply was too ill to be a safe parent it has to be OK to ask this question. You can't predict the future but you can think hard about how you would parent on your worst days.

I've had severe social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder for my whole life. Having my DD has actually helped with my anxiety. DH also has social anxiety. Our DD is a little social butterfly. She has never shown any anxiety in social situations despite mine and DH's fear. I do think that if you have mental health problems you need a good support network because if you ever feel like you aren't coping, you need someone there to help you out.

My DH has AS, some OCD, and quite severe phobias. We still have our wonderful DD, she is only 3, and she has noticed some of our differences, but I think we are trying our best. She lives in a house full of absolute love, we provide food and shelter. I think she is thriving, this is more than some people with children without mental health issues can say.

However DH and I talked about it extensively before we had DD and even when we decided to have her, we were very worried and still worry about our issues and how they will effect her. I think this is just part of being a good parent.

I wish you luck for whatever choice you make.

Ideally make sure you are married first even if your mother will also be very good with the chidlren. I went back to work full time when the babies were 2 weeks old and that can work very well indeed as it means that the baby has the influence ofr the other parent or grand parent or daily nanny or nursery or childminder whcih could be your salvation here. Concentrate on your career and buying a flat and finding a husband and have your babies in your late 20s. The best thing you can do for that baby is being able to afford to house and feed it without using state resources for it.

I think parenst who have had MH issues and worked through them in therapy and gained a level of empathy for themsleves and others can be far better parents than those who have never suffered. Dealing with MH issues gives you a huge amount of emotional intelligence - I'm glad I had a breakdown, as the work I did on myself after taht has helped hugely in dealing with my teenage dd and sensitive ds.

But having children without a partner, and without financial stability, can hugely exacerbate anxiety and depression, so I would make sure y are in the best place you can be both practically and emotionally before trying to conceive

DG I dont know where to start with whats wrong with your post...

I think it depends on the severity of the MH issues. Mine are very severe (I get highest rate PIP and am in the support group of ESA because I'm unable to work). I had DD as a single parent, who was unplanned and I have struggled a lot, to the extent that social services have had to intervene. My mental illness means that I'm often unable to care for myself, let alone another person, and my agoraphobia meant that I've sometimes been unable to deal with things like the school run and routine appointments. I have my mum to help out but as she works, there's only so much she can support me with. I have to depend a lot on external support, through my CMHT and social services, which is quite intrusive.

It is really hard work and although DD is a happy child, I feel sad for the things she's missed out and I wouldn't have ever planned to have a child in this situation.

I think ALL parents should think long and hard before starting a family.

What kind of home background will I be able to provide for my children? Can I offer them the support they will need to grow into secure adults? Will I be able to afford it? Do I have a support network that is extensive enough to help me through the inevitable difficult patches? Even if I can cope with a small child will I also be able to cope with a stroppy teen whose behaviour is really challenging?

I think that parents need to recognise that existing problems - poor health, inadequate support networks, poverty etc will not be improved by parenthood. Parenthood is a long term committment. It's not just the cute baby stage. If they are going to be depending on family support has the family agreed to this? Grandparents in their 50s/60s can be very hands on with youngsters - but how will they feel when they are in their 70s and 80s and a difficult teenager turns up on their doorstep?

In the end only you can make the decision. But at 25 time is on your side. Make sure that you - and anyone you will be relying on to support you - go into things with your eyes open.

^^This is a very sensible post from Lago, especially parents need to recognise that existing problems - poor health, inadequate support networks, poverty etc will not be improved by parenthood.

Flowers, I've read some of your other threads. It's irrational for you to be even considering parenthood now - it will not solve your problems, and risks making them far, far worse. Women's MH not infrequently nosedives when they have children - I never had a problem before I had my son, when I developed violent post-natal psychosis. A friend who has very well-controlled bi-polar had been fine and on an even keel for the best part of a decade, but was sectioned after the birth of her first child.

If you have pre-existing MH conditions, then you need to think parenthood through very carefully with your potential child or children at the centre of your priorities, the way that someone with significant physical disabilities who was planning to be a single parent would. How am I going to support this child? How can I put systems in place that offer me and my child support if things go wrong? Who is my support network?

If you are acknowledging your concerns, and working through them, then frankly that's more than a lot of parents do, whatever those concerns are.

I know some fantastic mothers with mental health issues, and some awful ones who are fine health wise. Having ongoing mental health conditions does not mean you cannot be a wonderful parent.

If you keep up to date with your medication and therapy, build up your support network, and prepare yourself as much as you can, you will be about as ready as any parent ever is!

Thanks for the replies.

I'm currently weaning myself off my antidepressants - I plan to do it over 6 months or so. I want to try and see how I feel and if i'm able to cope without them as I'd rather not take them if I was pregnant. A month in already and I feel fine. This gives me a bit more control over the situation.

I don't plan on having a child just yet, I need to get a job first and some savings. I want to build a support network and I also think having a child will force me to attend baby groups etc and make friends. I think it will be easier as the focus is on the child so the pressure isn't on me so much.

I think I have a lot to offer a child; I'd dote on them and be supportive in any way I can. A lot of my negativity is realted to things not turning out as hoped or expected - I've had a pretty shit life so far and whilst I don't expect having children will make me happy or cure my problems, I'm almost certain they will enrich my life in many ways.

I am a depression/anxiety sufferer too. I think the key thing here is that you shouldn't have children if you aren't reasonably confident it is the right thing. Certainly not because you feel you might lose out on the opportunity in the future.

If you come to a place when you feel it is the right thing then absolutely you should! Nobody knows how they will respond to becoming a parent till it happens, and many previously symptom free people become mentally ill post childbirth.

There are many precautions you can take given you may be at higher risk and that will put you in a likely better position than someone who hasn't had to consider such things before, and suddenly finds themselves unwell. I mean at least you will recognise symptoms and know who to turn to for help - which will give you a massive advantage over people like me who took 6 months to even clock the problem!

Flowers have you discussed this with MH professionals? I've read a lot of your threads too. You had a dog you adored that you've now lost interest in. You were desperate for a cat, then you were desperate for two cats. Your family had reservations about your ability to cope with a pet. You seemed to think getting a cat would solve most of your problems and make you happy and fulfilled. Now you have a cat we don't seem to hear much about it. It seems you've now decided that you want a baby and are focusing on a baby the way you used to focus on your dog/cat/second cat. There seems to be a pattern emerging of you deciding you really, really want something, getting it, then losing interest and deciding that actually you want something different.

Doing that to a cat or dog is not very nice. Doing it to a human being would be beyond the pale.

I have anxiety and depression and have two children . My symptoms only went out of control after the birth of my first child but with medication and good support I find that I can cope pretty well.

I certainly have my bad days/ weeks but I think that's the case for everyone.

My auntie suffered from a serious MH problem and although I have a fabulous cousin who is her daughter and I certainly don't wish her away, on the whole my auntie probably should not have had a child.

Flowers - I really wouldn't bank on having a child making you more social as a single parent. You're not likely to have time for baby groups etc (I say this as a working parent who never attended many of these - I have not made mummy friends although in fairness I never set out to do so). I think that ideally you would reach a place where you are contented without a child, before you have one. Finding fulfilment in doing things for your children is lovely but if it's your sole fulfilment it is waayy too much pressure on the kid (they will know).

I think it depends on the MH problem.

Many MH issues (maybe even the majority) are very mild and non permanent. Isn't in something like 1 in 4 who suffer with mental illness at some point in their lives? If 25% (more, I guess as people will marry/partner with others who don't have MH problems) didn't have children then we'd be in trouble.

But severe and chronic mental health difficulties ... no, I don't think those people should have children.

I have had anorexia, OCD, cyclothymia and possibly borderline pd for many many years. I never planned to have children but through a combination of being incredibly stupid in 2 cases and very unlucky in another, I have, over the course of 13 years, ended up as a single parent of 3 children. I am very lucky in that I mostly cope and am able to hide my problems. But my oldest child is already eating disordered and the middle one has some emotional issues.

I really should have had them all adopted but just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I'm sure there are exceptions but, from my own personal experience, it's a bad idea.

To be honest, if you are worried about how you'd cope, I'd make sure I had a great partner when having children.
You would need someone who would be able to be there for the child, should you have some bad moments.

It's great that you are considering all these aspects beforehand, though. Just because of that, I think you'll be a great mum. :)

I've decided against children based on my history of mental illness.

For me the risk of a child inheriting a tendency towards mental illness is horrifying. One of my parents was a depressive alcoholic and I have family on both sides with severe-ish mental illness. It can cause all sorts of pain and trauma. I don't want to risk my own health for the sake of having a child and I don't want to go through the pain of watching a child struggle with mental illness either.

Nobody is perfect. No such thing as the perfect parent or perfect time to be a parent.

Having PND doesn't make you a bad parent.

We all have problems and challenges that impact our abilities to be our best. All we can do is our best to overcome.

Don't write yourself off!!!