Everyone says 'how lucky, what an opportunity' but....

[Mothpop]

I may get shot down for how ungrateful I appear...

DH's job is moving to Australia for 2 years in a few months time and we (myself and 2 DDs) are all moving. DH works away during the week and so this will be the first time I have lived full time with DH for 14 years.

We have to pack up our newly renovated home that I love and take some stuff with us whilst leaving the rest in storage. Our lovely cats and chickens will be heading elsewhere. I have always worked full time as a quite well paid, professional and I have had to give up my job. I am giving up everything - my home, my career, my few very important friends. I really feel very down about this.... but in truth I have felt down for much longer.

At the moment all DH and I seem to do is row about the move. He is tired of my misgivings and has basically given up listening to me. He's home for the week ATM but I have barely seem him as I am continuing to look after our DDs whilst he busies himself doing tasks he likes outside. At the same time he constantly goes on about the jobs that I have to do - but clearly can't as I am the childcare. Tonight we're not talking.

I can't help but think this move will be quite literally be make or break for our relationship .... what happens if it's break and I'm stuck on the other side of the world with DDs and have no support network.... ?

AIBU? Am I just a very ungrateful person?

[MajesticWhine]

You need to start talking. If you are no longer communicating then find someone to mediate i.e. relationship counselling. And do it soon. You might feel differently about all this if you are listened to.

[Alidoll]

You really need to have a serious talk about this (without the kids). If he won't entertain even a discussion about it then I think you have your answer. Tell him exactly how you feel, calmly and rationally - write it down as bullet points if necessary. If he walks off or starts shouting etc then again, I think your marriage would be in BIG trouble in Australia.

Could he go out the first year and you and the kids go visit for a month perhaps? See if the kids like it / you like it? If yes then take a career break from your job perhaps for a year? If it isn't working can then return to the uk for the last 6 months or so knowing you gave it a go at least.

If however he doesn't even want to entertain a conversation then I fear the move spell the end of your marriage and sour relationship completely. You'd be left with no house, no job and potentially no kids.

Good luck

[Heather800]

Can you get a leave of absence from your current employer and perhaps go for one year and see how it works out. Also, just rent your house out rather than sell it that way you will have somewhere to come back to. Perhaps see if a friend or family member will come visit in the first few months, so you will have something to look forward to. I wouldn't go if your children are teenagers as they may love it and you may hate it which will leave you in a worse situation.

[GingerMumBlog]

Hi sweetie, what an awful situation to be in! Please dont do something you feel you have to for a relationship that is fundamentally not right already! Yes he is working his ass off and yes you do love him, but when a husband works away lots of the time, it is a totally different relationship you end up with. I personally would not turn mine and the kids lives upside down in your circumstances, I would ask him to try it for 6 months, make sure he is happy there and go out for a few weeks with the kids. My best friend moved to Oz, they were desperate to and were back within a year! It is not the land of magic it is portrayed to be! Works for some but I think only if it is the dream of all concerned. It's just warmer!!!!!
And for the record, I would NO WAY move to somewhere I needed someone elses permission regarding my kids if I wasnt 100% behind it!
Good Luck x

[mrsplum2015]

You should be fine with your children if you divorce/separate.

If you are going on a temporary work visa, which it sounds like you are, it wouldn't be hard to evidence that and prove that the plan was always to come back to England. Especially if you are keeping your house in England, leaving things in storage etc etc. I checked it all out when moving to Australia and I was told the above by lawyer (luckily it didn't come to that as our marriage survived the experience!!).

And actually if you had any doubt you could just go and no questions would be asked - I went back to UK on holiday with my 3 DC on Aussie passports and no-one asked me a single question - they were not to know I wasn't trying to take them for good! If your (D)H then tried to summon you back you could argue it from home with a British lawyer. I highly doubt Police would enforce such a summons anyway unless your children were thought to be in danger.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

". I highly doubt Police would enforce such a summons anyway unless your children were thought to be in danger."

This is bad advice.
I understand that your position, OP, may well be different if your DH is working in a government/consulate type role, BUT in general this is not the case.

If one contravenes the Hague Convention, one is very likely to be chased down by the police and the children returned to their place of habitual residence, so please don't assume it would all "be ok, because they're with their mum and not in danger".

[iwantanewcar]

I worked abroad as a single person for 3 years. That was hard enough. Please don't put yourself into a vulnerable position re your career and DC. The long term commuting sounds ideal due to your childrens ages. They will barely have started at school by the time the secondment finishes.

[mrsplum2015]

Interestingly thumbs witch, I know someone for whom this is the case and the police have not pursued her at all, I wonder if you know any cases where this has happened?

Particularly in the ops case where it seems fairly clear that she could prove habitual residence is in the UK anyway.

[Purplepicnic]

If it's definitely only two years, then I think it's doable.

Your kids are young so they won't be too affected.

Can you rent your house so you can come back to it? If you love it.

Two years is not too long for a career break and you say you might be able to work a bit over there anyway.

I'm not saying you should go but it doesn't have to be the disaster some posters are making out.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

No it would not happen if the OP's DC were habitual residents of the UK, of course it wouldn't!

It is not worth the risk. But the OP is in an interesting position when it comes to the Hague Convention anyway; if it is indeed consulate work, and she lives in consulate grounds, then she and her children would still be considered to be under British jurisdiction, I think, and so the usual rules don't apply. However, I'm not expecting her to answer this as it could be potentially extremely outing for her.

[littleleftie]

I would not go. Two years will pass so quickly.

It sounds like you will be miserable and DH has no regard for your concerns.

My XH worked for government and we were posted abroad at a time when I was considering splitting up. I thought the geographical change would help give us a fresh start and would change the dynamic. In fact things rapidly got worse and we had split up properly within a year of emigrating. Luckily I had no DC with him so I could just come home when I wanted to.

You could be stuck.

[Atenco]

Re. the Hague Convention: " I know someone for whom this is the case and the police have not pursued her at all".

I presume it takes the other parent to ask the courts to pursue it. But danger to the children has nothing to do with it.

[stinkysnowbear]

DO NOT GO.