Everyone says 'how lucky, what an opportunity' but....

[Mothpop]

I may get shot down for how ungrateful I appear...

DH's job is moving to Australia for 2 years in a few months time and we (myself and 2 DDs) are all moving. DH works away during the week and so this will be the first time I have lived full time with DH for 14 years.

We have to pack up our newly renovated home that I love and take some stuff with us whilst leaving the rest in storage. Our lovely cats and chickens will be heading elsewhere. I have always worked full time as a quite well paid, professional and I have had to give up my job. I am giving up everything - my home, my career, my few very important friends. I really feel very down about this.... but in truth I have felt down for much longer.

At the moment all DH and I seem to do is row about the move. He is tired of my misgivings and has basically given up listening to me. He's home for the week ATM but I have barely seem him as I am continuing to look after our DDs whilst he busies himself doing tasks he likes outside. At the same time he constantly goes on about the jobs that I have to do - but clearly can't as I am the childcare. Tonight we're not talking.

I can't help but think this move will be quite literally be make or break for our relationship .... what happens if it's break and I'm stuck on the other side of the world with DDs and have no support network.... ?

AIBU? Am I just a very ungrateful person?

[DoreenLethal]

You may have agreed to go, but until you are on that plane you can always say no.

Why is it marriage over if you stay, and not marriage over if he goes?

I would never recommend such a move in a relationship that isnt even weathering the current storm.

[Mrsfrumble]

I want to echo everything HarrietHarried said. I'm currently a "trailing spouse", and a very willing one, but it's still so tough for all the reasons she gave.

If your positions were reversed, would he willingly follow you?

[selly24]

Could you try and communicate with the help of a third party and open up a dialogue/air your concerns properly away from family home, little ears etc...? Thinking Tavistock Centre for couple relationships (London) or Relate or similar elsewhere?

[GretchenBeckett]

Op, where abouts in Oz? My sister is over there and she part of a British expat group. They all have kids etc. I could put you in touch.

[Lweji]

I just don't like it as none of this decision is based around me.

I think that's fair. Why shouldn't you be taken into consideration in this?

When I moved countries it was because husband (at the time) didn't have a job, and the job I was moving to gave us financial security. Even so, I told him I wouldn't move if he wasn't absolutely on board.

It looks like your husband is thinking only of himself on this.

[lorelei9]

Sounds to me like you have changed your mind
You need to talk to him before it all goes ahead....

I can see his side too, you agreed to go but maybe didn't think it through? But if you are really changing your mind you need to speak up sooner rather than later.

[Sprink]

Did you agree to this move?

[RockUnit]

Don't go. You're not "self centred" for wanting to be considered equally.

[EllaHen]

I wouldn't go. Better to pull out now than decide later and not be able to return.

I know someone stuck in Canada because her husband won't let the boys return with her. She's miserable.

No chance I'd give up my financial Independence anyway.

[KP86]

DH, DS and I did this in reverse mid-last year. I was you, with a well-paid professional job, coming here to be SAHM again. DH even had to leave quickly and I was left to pack up the house, make all sorts of arrangements and fly with DS, then 17m, by myself.

For me, it was so lonely and boring for the first month (particularly as we arrived at the end of summer) until I forced myself to go to lots of toddler groups and introduce myself and make some friends.

It was a huge culture shock, and there was definitely an element of same shit, different place re. parenting.

Saying that - I got myself a visa which allows me to work, have a part time job and am looking for something a little more 'professional' that will use my skills. I'm not a very good SAHM, I appreciate my son a lot more when I am allowed my own time! We are making the most of exploring somewhere new. This part is a worthwhile effort, it's very easy to get bogged down in life/chores/resting every weekend, but we do try to check out new things and places as much as possible.

It is a scary move, but could be one of the best of your life. If you guys hate it, you can always come back.

[travailtotravel]

I could not do it if it spelt the end to all I love/ I think if you haven't given up your job already you shouldn't and DH should go out alone and come back a few times a year.

I think one of the issues here may be a breakup and custody of the children in the event he wanted to stay in Australia and you were isolated. I could not put myself in that situation where I may be forced to stay in a country not of my choosing at a time not of my choosing.

You don't mention how old your DC's are which may have an impact.

On the other hand you may love it of course. But you have to be ready to embrace these moves.

My DH recently came home saying he wanted to apply for a job somewhere less than optimal in Europe. I basically vetoed it straight out as my job is going well. He well had the hump but I've already given everything up and moved aroud with him before. 8 years on my career is only just reaching the level I should have been at if i hadn't moved. There is no way I would be anything other than financially independent.

But then I grew up with a financially abusive father so have seen how socially isolating it was for my mother and will never be put in that position.

[Mothpop]

Thank you, everyone.
This is definitely just for 2 years. After this we would return to the status quo. I think I need to talk to him about trying to do something about our relationship. Relate maybe. He has lived a life surrounded by work for such a long time it's no wonder he is unable to communicate in any other language.

[Duckdeamon]

Your thread title: yes, this is a huge opportunity, for HIM. Sounds like a bad or at least very risky deal for you; also sounds like you've done the bulk of childcare (and worked) while he's built his career working away? And now would be expected to say goodbye to or at least risk your career to further facilitate his.

DC - who knows whether or not the move will be good for them. Presumably their life here is OK though!

[Duckdeamon]

Get some legal advice about whether, in the event of a break up, you and the DC could return to the UK without his permission. You can't rely on getting back to the status quo if this is dependent on his say so.

[KP86]

PS. Harriet's advice is absolutely perfect. I wish I had read the whole thread before posting.

I couldn't have put it better myself. I even got the coffee shop job, haha!

I was jealous of DH's instant social group at work, that he gets to go to work drinks and different things like that occasionally while I'm back to being SAHM without my old mum friends around.

But as I said, life has improved and is getting better day by day. There has been a lot of sacrifice by me, and DH acknowledges and appreciates it. He truly does, and tries to do as much as possible to help me to get to know new people and give me the opportunity to do my own thing occasionally.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

There are lots of brilliant things about making an international move - but not when you are doing so within an already/ currently strained marriage.

You have to absolutely insist your DH sits across the table from you when the kids are in bed/ at school/ out with your best friend or their grandma or whoever and thrash this out with absolute honesty and 100% attention. Make him see this is a crucial moment in your relationship. Tell him he has been speaking to you like a manager speaking to an employee and that you are not giving up your professional career for that. Tell him you will only go ahead with this if you are confident he has your back and you have his respect and his attention.

If he won't listen or you are not convinced the message has got through it would be insane for you to go ahead with the move, as you will be headed for a worst case scenario of being stuck there for at least the full 2 years, dependant on him and being treated as a nanny/ housekeeper/ PA with no annual leave entitlement...

[MattDillonsPants]

Do be careful OP. The "definitely" for two years could change were DH to decide he loved Australia and if he managed to get an extension or even permanent position. It's a very appealing country to some people (I live here) especially to men.

I agree about the legal advice re returning to UK. He COULD stop you if he wanted to stay in Oz.

[Lweji]

But if you leave your career, you won't return to the status quo. He'll have advanced his and you will have left yours. It doesn't sound fair to me.

[BlackeyedSusan]

sounds like you should not go. if the marriage is not strong already it is not going to survive this upheaval easily. stay home. with the children. here.

it is not selfish to want your career. if it is then he is equally as selfish in wanting his in aus.

in fact it sounds definite that you should not even contemplate going while the marriage is this rocky and risk being stuck with the children over there.

[JeanGenie23]

I don't have anything new to add as such but thought you may want to know my experience.

DH is an engineer. His company also operate in Australia and he worked over there a few months at a time. He was offered a full time job there, more money, but it's the other side of the world. (This was pre kids) We talked it out and I agreed to go with him. I didn't like it. I was lonely. Yes it was beautiful weather but when you know next to no one, the climate is pretty irrelevant! I spoke to DH but I was absolutely dreading the conversation, thankfully he felt the same and was able to put in a transfer back to UK. We were there just under 10months.

Is there any chance that got DH is just nervous like you but not letting on? Perhaps he feels guilty for suggesting the move and doesn't know how to make it better for you? Obviously I don't know you so I may be way off the mark but you need to talk it out before you go. Once you are there, away from friends and family, emotions are heightened and the smallest things can drag you down!

[Mothpop]

No, he definitely can't get an extension. 2 years and then we'd be back.
I will definitely get some legal info - thanks for that, I hadn't considered it.
DDs are too young to understand anything - 3 years & 8 months.
I really do feel worn down by the endless full time work and solo childcare combo. Resentful really. I guess all I see is same shit stuff, different country less any self worth I once had.
Relate.... I'm looking it up now.

[MattDillonsPants]

He could get offered a job with another company or get head hunted or anything OP. Do be careful. It's a very appealing country on many levels....clean, excellent medical care, very nice things to do with families, beaches, sports....lots of people fall in love with the place.

[lordStrange]

I would not go. If it kills your career what then? I am shuddering at the thought.

[Longdistance]

Omg op! This was the exact scenario I was in with Dh about 4 years ago.
He had big ideas about moving to Oz for his career. Fuck my career, I wasn't important, fuck my family, they weren't important, fuck my friends who've I'd known most of my life.
The tunnel vision and dead set decision was made with (not so d) h at the time. It was a move that was ALL about him and his career and fuck everyone else.
I gave up my lovely career that I did for 15 years, my family, and my friends.
We moved to Perth yuck and I hated it with a passion.
I felt bullied and pressurised by the decision at the time as I was pg with dd2. He had his dis's out there, I had no one, not a soul.
Did he give a shit? No, cos he had everything and I just had to get on with it.
In hindsight, I should have said no and lived with the consequences of his moody fuck face, but being a pg pushover, I went with it.
We moved there, and I had the most miserable 2 years of my life.
It only lasted 2 years as he was made redundant, and well, my job... Would be still here to this day

Op, don't do it if your heart's not in it. Let him go on his own, and not up root everyone for 2 years, as the decision may not be worth it.

We came back and our marriage was on the rocks. We ended up in counselling, for him to see what a selfish turd he'd been what a bad decision it was and how he treated me. We're back on track now, and every decision made now is joint, and not one sided.

Good luck op! Bloody difficult