To ask for advice on life changing decision

[amba4]

I am on the verge of a huge decision and looking for any advice, perspectives and am happy to be told to get a grip. I can't see the wood for the trees and need ideas.

We left the UK two years ago to move abroad to another country. There were a few reasons but the main ones were financial. We had a small amount of savings, I was earning a small amount self-employed, DH had a pay cut and we had gone through the maternity leave and child-care financial black hole. We wanted to save a deposit for a house and had slowly scraped together a small amount that would not have got us anything half decent.

We moved to a place where DH's skills are in short supply so over the past two years he has been on a higher salary. I have also been able to go back to work and our youngest started school. In the past two years we have saved a substantial amount for a house deposit through DH having a higher salary, me working and living really cheaply (about £50k).

The dilemma is this. Where we live now works really well on paper. House prices are about 20% lower than the part of the UK we would go back to. My earnings would be about the same in either place but DH would take a 30% pay cut in his sector to return to the UK. Our DCs would have to change school and adapt to a different school system (they are key stage one). But while we are better off financially here, I am just not happy. I feel like I would be settling if we were to stay here. I am bored and just generally miss the UK. My DH is happy enough to stay where we are though he does miss home too and has at times said he wants to go back.

AIBU to throw away a better financial situation to move back to a place where I think I would be happier, with all the upheaval that would involve? We have the house deposit saved and my thinking is that moving abroad has at least helped us to achieve that and maybe if we moved back we could adapt to having less money overall as long as we were not needing to save in the way we have been.

Any advice or perspectives would be appreciated! I either need to make a decision to go back and start the massive planning involved in that with DH or put it to bed for now.

We struggled. Managed to get a mortgage after 6 months but only with no probationary clauses on work contract, having kept UK bank account etc. Only 1 lender would accept us.

I would come home to the UK. Life is too short to be "just not happy". You have achieved your objective, you have saved a house deposit, and in record time too. Job done, you can now come home!

If you've saved 40k you don't need all the money you're earning. You have one life, you know what you want, you can afford it, go for it already. I hope it's as great as you imagine/remember! x

I kind of know how you feel. I've lived abroad in various places (before DCs), but always with an idea that it would be temporary, and I always considered the UK to be my natural home and was relieved when I moved back, as if I'd been holding my breath for a long time. The people, however nice, are different, the language may be different, the customs are different, they may be tiny details but it can all add up to not feeling entirely at ease and yourself. It depends on your personality, how confident you are etc. Did you intend it to be temporary when you moved?

It's harder to decide with children. The option of moving abroad permanently came up when our DD was small (for similar reasons to you - financial), but my immediate reaction was no. Partly because I liked her being "English", weirdly, and didn't want her to change! I wanted her to get to know all the things I'd known as a child in the UK.

Are the children happy? I imagine they will have adapted cheerfully, and while they are small they should also adapt easily if you move back. I wouldn't leave it too long, as someone said, so that you're not uprooting them too much if you do move. Personally I would move, but that's just me. We are now happy here in the UK despite knowing that we could have had a better life abroad, from a financial point of view, if we had moved. £45k is fine unless you're moving to London or thereabouts, then it would be a bit harder but that's about what we're on as a household and we're near London. We're fine, we have everything we really need and can wait for the rest.

Talk it over more with your husband, but perhaps give yourselves six months to give it some more thought before making the final decision.

Gut feeling - life is too short, come back and be happier.

Thank you for your kind words. I know we are in a good position and could now buy in the UK. And we could live on a lower salary of course, as we are used to living below our means already, I'm just worried about giving up what we have as I found our last few years in the UK hard in terms of the high cost of living and our reduced earnings at that time. The DC are perfectly settled and happy but they do love going back and the older DC has a strong attachment to the place and took it badly when we left but is fine now.

Checkpoint thanks for the gut feeling. My own gut feeling is saying very strongly that life is too short and to just go for it. But my "sensible" voice is talking over it and causing lots of conflict.

You have saved 20k per year so in effect you have been living on the 45k that dh would be earning in the uk. Is the mortgage payments comparable to what you've been paying in rent as it seems you won't be much worse off than you are now.

House prices are rising.

Picture yourself in 10 years. Where do you think you would have the happier life. Work towards that.

I think you would find it difficult to get a mortgage straight away as they work out how much they will lend based on your income. Good luck with whatever choice you make. I personally would stay where you are but that's probably because i find things very expensive here atm and it's getting worse all the time.

I'd come home.

If you are saving so hard there, are you really "living"? Could you get a slightly nicer apartment, garden etc or in a nicer, buzzier area?
I think that if you really want to come back, you will but it sounds like you've gone there living like students to save the deposit up. You could still save a bit more over the next two years, but also try to enjoy the time whilst saving less rigidly?

Come home. You have had a great adventure and made the most of the opportunity but it doesn't sound like you are happy.
It's like staying in a job you don't like because it pays well. Life is too short.

Tired that is a good point about the level of savings though it doesn't feel that extreme. Our apartment is cheap because of where we are but its quite nice. We live on about £2000 per month and we have had some holidays. We just happen to have had more coming in because of DH's job and me going back to work so instead of living it up with the extra money we have saved it instead. It really got to me before that we couldn't get a decent deposit together for a house and I feared we would be stuck renting forever so it has felt worth the sacrifice. We probably could make more of an effort to enjoy where we are though.

I find it takes me 3-4 years to feel proberly settled after a moving, and that's just moving around the UK!

If you are happy but just don't feel as happy as you think you might in the UK. I'd definitely say give it a little more time.

Give it longer. Decide where you would want to be and look at schools, childcare employment etc.

Maryz they are 6 and 4. We could have a plan to come back further down the line and work towards that, its true. We haven't been back for a while and probably need to visit as part of my feeling could be just homesickness. We have thought about using where we are now as a kind of base and aiming to spend more time each year in the UK, so trying to have the best of both worlds.

When you put it like that Maryz I know, it would make a huge difference to save that amount because I know once we move back we will not be able to save like that. We are in an unusual position of being able to earn more and live more cheaply than the UK. The DCs would be able to attend Uni in the UK if they did all their schooling here, they are in good schools. We have thought about coming back for secondary yes because once they start that then its truly disruptive to move.

At KS1 your kids can move and the change in school system really won't give them any longterm problems.

It sounds like you'd be a lot happier if you moved back.

Don't rush it, but I think you should plan your life as if you are going to move back in the next few years.

Agree you have a lot of flexibility about timing; bearing in mind you may feel better if you relax a little more about "saving". I remember the year before I moved to the UK, it was both our first year married and our first year of full-time work - we worked crazy hours (nature of our jobs) and saved masses - but that would not have been sensible to do for a longer time period.

Have a holiday back in the UK, research your options, consider "good" time points for moving your children back school-wise. Then set out a tentative "we could move at this time" goal, and review perhaps every 6 months. And think about what you need to make life more interesting where you are now.

We lived abroad for a few years. We had a serious wobble at a couple of years in. Elderly parents suddenly got ill and a possible job came up.

We had moved when DCs were pre-school, Yr1 stage. We were wobbling but 2 years for such young DCs was a huge proportion of their lives. We might have been wobbling but they were settled.

In the end the other job came to nothing and we stayed on for another 3 years.

Moving back we found Britain a major disappointment. It was dirty, crowded. We had no choice about schools for the DCs - the only spaces were in a failing school (no surprise). The DCs have settled again and done okay at school (we have been back 10 years).

Just be careful that you arent thinking the grass is greener. It might just be algae!

That is true Gnome England might be completely shit and I have just forgotten! I've lived in a few places and know how easy it is to think the grass is greener.