To ask for advice on life changing decision

[amba4]

I am on the verge of a huge decision and looking for any advice, perspectives and am happy to be told to get a grip. I can't see the wood for the trees and need ideas.

We left the UK two years ago to move abroad to another country. There were a few reasons but the main ones were financial. We had a small amount of savings, I was earning a small amount self-employed, DH had a pay cut and we had gone through the maternity leave and child-care financial black hole. We wanted to save a deposit for a house and had slowly scraped together a small amount that would not have got us anything half decent.

We moved to a place where DH's skills are in short supply so over the past two years he has been on a higher salary. I have also been able to go back to work and our youngest started school. In the past two years we have saved a substantial amount for a house deposit through DH having a higher salary, me working and living really cheaply (about £50k).

The dilemma is this. Where we live now works really well on paper. House prices are about 20% lower than the part of the UK we would go back to. My earnings would be about the same in either place but DH would take a 30% pay cut in his sector to return to the UK. Our DCs would have to change school and adapt to a different school system (they are key stage one). But while we are better off financially here, I am just not happy. I feel like I would be settling if we were to stay here. I am bored and just generally miss the UK. My DH is happy enough to stay where we are though he does miss home too and has at times said he wants to go back.

AIBU to throw away a better financial situation to move back to a place where I think I would be happier, with all the upheaval that would involve? We have the house deposit saved and my thinking is that moving abroad has at least helped us to achieve that and maybe if we moved back we could adapt to having less money overall as long as we were not needing to save in the way we have been.

Any advice or perspectives would be appreciated! I either need to make a decision to go back and start the massive planning involved in that with DH or put it to bed for now.

[hefzi]

Don't forget that often, when you move overseas, between about 6 months and 2 or so years, there's often a weird phase where you are totally fed up and just want to go "home" - usually once the newness/excitement about the new destination has worn off, and disillusionment sets in: this does wear off, and then things go back to being fine again, but it can take a while.

As other PPs have said, perhaps try to pinpoint precisely why you are not happy: remember, you take yourself with you when you move - so if it's some kind of existential thing, that won't improve with moving back. Also, though you are living atm on the 45k, are you somewhere with a lower cost of living? I personally find that the UK seems to get more expensive every year - I live alone, so it's not quite the same situation, but I have a low-ish rent, and that, together with utilities, 'phone, council tax and internet comes to over £1000 per month. I live in a cheap area too - if I was in the SE, that could easily be double: I don't have money over to do things like run a car (expensive insurance in my area because of the post code) or do fun things like go out to eat etc more than a couple of times per year. I haven't had a holiday since 2007. I'm definitely not trying to put you off - I came back to the UK 9 1/2 years ago myself: but do be aware that the grass isn't always greener

Also - apologies if I missed it in your posts, but if you don't live in Europe (which you very well may do) don't forget that your DC will be whacked with international fees for university if you don't return to the UK by round about GCSE time: something else to factor in!

Even if you are having a totally rubbish time, how about a) saving a little less each month, and improve your lifestyle so you're not feeling you're having no fun but b) trying to build up more of a stash of savings so that things are easier when you come home?

[amba4]

Thanks again for all your very useful perspectives. Lots of people have said stay on and save some more and I think that is good advice. My only worry is about leaving it too late to buy a place and prices just rising and rising. echt we would be moving back to the south though not really close enough to London to be that expensive.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

why not stay another 12 months and save like a bastard? then come back with better buffer? and use the next 12 months to really try and enjoy it more there? win win

[Charley50]

And where are you now? This will help my nosiness

[echt]

Where are you thinking of going? This would help point the advice more pointily, as special conditions may apply.

[SWCharlie]

We returned to the UK last July after 11 years in Germany, partly because we wanted to be back in our own culture again, partly because I wanted the kids to do GCSE's and 'A' Levels and not have to worry about studying in German, having elderly parents, shopping in Waitrose again, etc! The first problem we encountered when planning our return was the schooling, you can't apply for a school place until you have an address, and you don't know where to buy a house if you don't yet have school places, catch 22! All of the 'good' schools in our area were full to bursting, so we would have had to have put the kids in a school where there were still places in our catchment area, which could have been a LOT worse than the school we left behind where incidently the kids were very happy. Fortunately because we had made more money abroad we were able to put them in a private school, to take them to their GCSE's at least (they are aged 12 and 14). The second problem was that (as someone mentioned above) we couldn't get a mortgage, even though we had 50% equity. Big shock. We were told we had to have lived in the UK for 12 months before we would be considered. This is because we had no credit history in the UK, having been away so long. We did eventually secure a mortgage on our 3rd application through a London broker dealing with ex-pats but it wasn't easy. I have to say I felt like you are feeling a few times in those 11 years, the feeling usually passed and I didn't regret staying, until after about 10 years when I knew I definitely wanted to return home. Good luck with your decision, we loved our life in Germany but also like being back here. Both have their good and bad points.

[Headofthehive55]

Move now while you can. I'd move again to another part of the U.K.to be nearer family as more tired of the distance these days. But children at difficult ages - even more so as they reach late teens, do they come with you unhappily?

Life is good here - for us anyway but the most important bit for me it to be near family and that includes for me, parents.

[Kummerspeck]

We also worked abroad for a couple of years and headed back before starting our family as we did not feel that the place we were in was a good place to bring up a family. Our plan was to try another place or two before school age but, unfortunately the business DH was in went through a tough time and a lot of those expat roles dried up. We then got caught up into school, parents ageing and stuff so never went again and I do regret that now we are older. Our children are doing well here but I think we'd have had a better quality of life in some other places and we are now too old to go.

Don't be in too much of a rush to head back here, the grass is not always greener

[amba4]

That is true Gnome England might be completely shit and I have just forgotten! I've lived in a few places and know how easy it is to think the grass is greener.

[GnomeDePlume]

We lived abroad for a few years. We had a serious wobble at a couple of years in. Elderly parents suddenly got ill and a possible job came up.

We had moved when DCs were pre-school, Yr1 stage. We were wobbling but 2 years for such young DCs was a huge proportion of their lives. We might have been wobbling but they were settled.

In the end the other job came to nothing and we stayed on for another 3 years.

Moving back we found Britain a major disappointment. It was dirty, crowded. We had no choice about schools for the DCs - the only spaces were in a failing school (no surprise). The DCs have settled again and done okay at school (we have been back 10 years).

Just be careful that you arent thinking the grass is greener. It might just be algae!

[Pythonesque]

Agree you have a lot of flexibility about timing; bearing in mind you may feel better if you relax a little more about "saving". I remember the year before I moved to the UK, it was both our first year married and our first year of full-time work - we worked crazy hours (nature of our jobs) and saved masses - but that would not have been sensible to do for a longer time period.

Have a holiday back in the UK, research your options, consider "good" time points for moving your children back school-wise. Then set out a tentative "we could move at this time" goal, and review perhaps every 6 months. And think about what you need to make life more interesting where you are now.

[Trills]

At KS1 your kids can move and the change in school system really won't give them any longterm problems.

It sounds like you'd be a lot happier if you moved back.

Don't rush it, but I think you should plan your life as if you are going to move back in the next few years.

[amba4]

When you put it like that Maryz I know, it would make a huge difference to save that amount because I know once we move back we will not be able to save like that. We are in an unusual position of being able to earn more and live more cheaply than the UK. The DCs would be able to attend Uni in the UK if they did all their schooling here, they are in good schools. We have thought about coming back for secondary yes because once they start that then its truly disruptive to move.

[amba4]

Maryz they are 6 and 4. We could have a plan to come back further down the line and work towards that, its true. We haven't been back for a while and probably need to visit as part of my feeling could be just homesickness. We have thought about using where we are now as a kind of base and aiming to spend more time each year in the UK, so trying to have the best of both worlds.

[pieceofpurplesky]

Give it longer. Decide where you would want to be and look at schools, childcare employment etc.

[ILeaveTheRoomForTwoMinutes]

I find it takes me 3-4 years to feel proberly settled after a moving, and that's just moving around the UK!

If you are happy but just don't feel as happy as you think you might in the UK. I'd definitely say give it a little more time.

[amba4]

Tired that is a good point about the level of savings though it doesn't feel that extreme. Our apartment is cheap because of where we are but its quite nice. We live on about £2000 per month and we have had some holidays. We just happen to have had more coming in because of DH's job and me going back to work so instead of living it up with the extra money we have saved it instead. It really got to me before that we couldn't get a decent deposit together for a house and I feared we would be stuck renting forever so it has felt worth the sacrifice. We probably could make more of an effort to enjoy where we are though.

[positivity123]

Come home. You have had a great adventure and made the most of the opportunity but it doesn't sound like you are happy.
It's like staying in a job you don't like because it pays well. Life is too short.

[TiredButFineODFOJ]

If you are saving so hard there, are you really "living"? Could you get a slightly nicer apartment, garden etc or in a nicer, buzzier area?
I think that if you really want to come back, you will but it sounds like you've gone there living like students to save the deposit up. You could still save a bit more over the next two years, but also try to enjoy the time whilst saving less rigidly?

[Flisspaps]

I'd come home.