AIBU to not refill her lunchbox?

[Joolsy]

I make DD (yr 7) a lovely substantial, healthy-ish lunch for school every day. She comes home from school and I have to ask her at least 3 times to empty it. I then wash it up and refill it for the next day. I've said to her, if she doesn't empty it, I won't refill it.

I'm sick and tired of asking her several times every day to do this simple job. Same again today - lunchbox is still in her school bag. I've asked her twice so am now considering not asking her again, then tomorrow she'll go to grab her lunch from the fridge and it won't be there.

WIBU in the hope she'll learn to do it without nagging? My only hesitation in doing this is that she'll be in a mad panic and will make us all late for school/work etc while she/I rush around sorting out her lunch.

[SpaceDinosaur]

No lunchbox, no dinner.
this!!!

Also, mollycoddling children does not self sufficient teens and adults make

[BertrandRussell]

"Also, mollycoddling children does not self sufficient teens and adults make"



Treating children with kindness and consideration does kind and considerate adults make..........

[IcingandSlicing]

I've got a similar problem of making my kids do things that they should but they find them boring.
I realised it's a question of motivation - negative motivation leads to power struggles in our situation and does not make things better. Positive motivation works but it's tiring to offer stickers several times a day for a simple task.
So I am still wondering what is teh answer to that and does it exist at all!

[budgiegirl]

Also, mollycoddling children does not self sufficient teens and adults make

FFS. It's not mollycoddling to make your child a packed lunch. Unless they don't lift a finger round the house.

I make my teens a packed lunch on school days. But guess what, they are capable of doing in themselves. I'm capable of cleaning windows and cutting grass. But more often than not, my teens do it. My sons and daughter can also make pastry, bake cakes, make a curry, fry an egg. I think they'll be ok when they fly the nest.

What a strange household it would be if we only did things for ourselves. Five different dinners cooked each night. Everybody only washing and ironing their own clothes. Only unloading their own plates from the dishwasher. Only making themselves a cup of tea, and no-one else.

In our house, we help each other. It's not mollycoddling.

[mathanxiety]

The way to make children do things without arguments or foot dragging is to make them more busy, not less.

I agree with your observations 100% SohowdoIdothis.

I disagree with the idea that children are allowed to be so busy with their studies that they can't fit in equally important contribution to the maintenance of themselves and their environment. The more you ask them to contribute the better their time management skills will be, as an added bonus.

[budgiegirl]

I disagree with the idea that children are allowed to be so busy with their studies that they can't fit in equally important contribution to the maintenance of themselves and their environment

No-one has said that they shouldn't make a contribution, just that it's not essential to make them get their own packed lunch.

My teens are very busy, pretty much all the time during the week. They leave for school at 7.20. They get home at 4.15 (assuming they haven't got an afterschool club). They attend various football and cricket clubs in the evening, and also two sessions at the weekend, plus school and club matches. Plus they have homework and GCSE coursework to do. They generally have a much longer working week than I do. They do also need some downtime, doing nothing but veg in front of the TV for a little while, or seeing their friends at weekends.

They do help me round the house, even in the week, and they are learning the skills to be independant. Despite the fact that I make them a packed lunch.

[BertrandRussell]

"In our house we help each other"

Oh thank the lord for sanity!

[lljkk]

My mom stopped cooking for the entire family when I was 8yo. We all fended for ourselves every meal (still had some meals out).

yes I learnt to cook, especially biscuits. This did not make me self-confident or resilient. I developed an eating disorder and a lifelong habit of grazing all day (which is not a problem to me generally, but bad for teeth).

No lunchbox, no dinner.

Crikey... harsh. My teens would live on biscuits, cheap supermarket pizza & ssg rolls, Preteen would live on fruit & bagels, little one would manage just the bagels.

[BertrandRussell]

I believe in being as kind as possible to people- and teaching my children to be kind to people. Surely, if we try to be kind to strangers, we're even kinder to the people we live with and love more than anyone else in the world?

[SoupDragon]

mollycoddling children does not self sufficient teens and adults make

Well, that depends what you count as mollycoddling really. The things I do for my children I count as caring for them.

Guess what! Despite having their packed lunches made for them, the two teens are confident, independent and more than capable of looking after themselves. Amazing really.

[KatharinaRosalie]

I've said to her, if she doesn't empty it, I won't refill it.

I know this has moved on, but once you said that and she didn't empty it, of course you shouldn't refill. Unless you actually want to let her know that her actions have no consequences and your threats mean nothing.

[mumeeee]

I used to make all 3 of my daughters lunches when they were in high-school and college. Yes they could do their own and did sometimes but it was just a thing I did.
However they emptied their lunch boxes or I would just put their sandwiches in a bag.
I never cut up or peeled fruit for them.
A 12 year old is perfectly capable of eating whole fruit and if she doesn't want to then she peels and chops it herself.

[SatsukiKusakabe]

bertrandrussell completely agree with you.

[mathanxiety]

Mine are the same Budgiegirl. They walk to school -- not a long walk at all. One has a three afternoons a week job that she walks to and from (half an hour walk). They have at least four hours of homework per night. They still manage to squeeze in chores that mean we are all able to enjoy time together. They still have downtime.

I don't think being kind equals doing things for people that they could do for themselves. That is answering some need inside the doer of things that is not necessarily terribly unhealthy but in the end accomplishes only some sort of satisfaction for the person doing it. Perhaps you like your kitchen left only in a certain way -- control might be an element of doing things for others in the kitchen. Perhaps you see yourself in a role of caregiver - your role gives you a sense of purpose. I personally wouldn't deprive my DCs of the sense of competence and satisfaction they get from being on top of things themselves. I think it's actually kind to give them that.

[SoupDragon]

I personally wouldn't deprive my DCs of the sense of competence and satisfaction they get from being on top of things themselves.

Yes, and that only comes from making a packed lunch.

[SoupDragon]

Make them lunch or don't make them lunch. Who cares? Do whatever suits your family and parenting best but don't make out that those who do it differently are somehow shit parents damaging their children because they aren't.

[budgiegirl]

I don't think being kind equals doing things for people that they could do for themselves

Sometimes it means exactly that. I can make my own cup of tea, but if my DH makes me one, he's being kind. That's ok with me !

I personally wouldn't deprive my DCs of the sense of competence and satisfaction they get from being on top of things themselves

I'm pretty sure my DC don't feel in anyway deprived because I make their packed lunch . What about the sense of satisfaction that comes from helping each other to accomplish tasks, from pulling together as a family? .

I think it could send the wrong message to the children if I refuse to make the older kids a lunch when I'm making it for myself, because that's just showing them that it's everybody for themselves. I agree that children should help around the house, have chores to do, but I think it's fine that I make their packed lunch, as long as
a - they are capable of doing it themselves if necessary
b - they help in other ways

[BertrandRussell]

There are plenty of real ways of kids feeling on top of things- you don't have to create artificial ones like everyone in a family separately making their own lunch when it's much quicker and easier for one person to do them all, while other people do different things.

And yes, kindness often does mean doing things for people that they can do for themselves. Actually, surely it usually does!

[mathanxiety]

But on a daily basis, what am I teaching my children if I always make their lunch and clear up after myself? Mainly that lunch appears by magic and that there is nothing more to food prep than the actual end product.

Occasionally yes, I lend a hand, and the DCs will do the same for me. We all pull together by each of us doing what needs doing for ourselves, if that makes sense, and by leaving the kitchen and bathroom as we would like to find it, being considerate about the last two slices of ham or cheese or whatever, and putting everything back in the fridge in closed packets when they're finished. We all make each other tea or coffee or toast, etc.

They got more conscious of other people's needs and how nice it is when someone makes you a cuppa, etc., when they realised that there was no elf magically changing the loo roll or washing toothpaste suds off the sink or fishing their hair out of the shower drain.

They don't necessarily all make their lunches at the same time just as they don't all need to take their daily shower at the same time. DD4 likes to make her lunch for the next day last thing at night when she packs her bag and makes sure she has her outfit set out for the next day. DD3 likes to get hers together first thing in the morning and usually takes leftovers from the previous night in a flask. DD2 normally made her lunch right after dinner on Sundays - a week's worth of sandwiches or salads all in her own corner of the fridge. DS chose to eat school lunch half the time but the rest of the time he brought leftovers. DD1 -- so long ago I can't remember. I do recall DD1 having her outfits for the school week planned in advance and all her necessary laundry done at the weekend, with everything laid out in order day by day.

SoupDragon not just packed lunch making. They do a lot more for themselves. It was a drag for them all at first, learning boring skills when they would rather be doing something else. I didn't stand over them bawling like a fishwife, but I did encourage them and kept them at it. They eventually came to see it as a favour I was doing for them mainly when they went off to university and were able to hit the ground running, but also in high school when they realised they had classmates who had never taken public transport or earned money to buy their own clothes or makeup or get their own nails done, go to the movies, etc.. They all encountered people at university who couldn't manage classes, parties and eating/laundry all at the same time (who never changed bedsheets, for instance, and didn't realise you had to clean a bathroom), and found budgeting was beyond them. Those students had a harder time in the first few weeks than they could have had, and so did their roommates. They all know people who pick up the phone to the Bank of Mum and Dad even at age 20/21/22 when they inevitably find themselves short of money.

[mathanxiety]

It is all real, BR.

What could be more real than managing your own time, getting everything you need to get done done, including your lunch for the next day?

'Other people doing different things' so often means 'other people watching telly in a state of blithe indifference'.

What I ask is that they finish what they start, be realistic about what they start, plan, plan, plan. They way they practice that is by doing lots of things for themselves, while being mindful of the others who also want to get lots done using the same utensils, counter space, food supplies, detergent, washing machine and dryer, etc.

[SoupDragon]

Other people doing different things' so often means 'other people watching telly in a state of blithe indifference'.

And it often means "other parents refusing to accept that their way is not the only right way and isn't superior to what many others do"

[budgiegirl]

But on a daily basis, what am I teaching my children if I always make their lunch and clear up after myself? Mainly that lunch appears by magic and that there is nothing more to food prep than the actual end product

Only if they never have to make a meal themselves. But my teens always make their own lunch at a weekend, and often make a meal for the whole family. So they know perfectly well that lunch doesn't appear by magic.

We all pull together by each of us doing what needs doing for ourselves How, though, is this really practical? My kids are perfectly capable, for example, of washing their clothes, and will often put on a wash, or fold laundry etc. But if each person in our house only did their own laundry, it would result either in a lot of waste of energy and time (half empty loads, washing machine always on) , or clothes not being ready when needed because there wasn't enough of one persons clothes to make a full wash.

'Other people doing different things' so often means 'other people watching telly in a state of blithe indifference

Not necessarily true, usually when I'm making dinner, or packed lunches, or putting on washing, my kids are doing homework, or are at a club, or are out with their friends, being, you know, kids. Sometimes they are just watching telly.

But sometimes, when I'm working, or I'm watching telly, they are cutting the grass, or making a meal, or cleaning a window. Because everyone needs some downtime, and that's achievable because we help each other.

[BlackeyedSusan]

now I am feeling guilty that mine are really late taking repsonsibility for emptying lunch boxes. (we have two sets of stuff so I often chuck it in the sink in the morning after the prevoius day)

we are getting there though.

[Nataleejah]

My 12yo DS makes his own sandwiches (the way he likes them), or picks up dinner leftovers - if he wants them. Thats when i'm cooking breakfast for everyone.

Oh, he asked for a sandwich toaster when he was about 8. Was very excited that he can make his own sandwiches. Of course, there were many inedible experiments.

[BalthazarImpresario]

My year 3 child knows to sort her lunchbox so no excuse for a year 7 and I think she should be made to make her own lunch,even if just for a little bit as I'm sure she won't forget to empty it after that.

My yr9 ds is responsible for most things go, I don't make him lunch often (he prefers to have it when he gets in) I don't go looking for dirty clothes and he has to wash up and clean down the kitchen once a week. Now summer is here he is also responsible for front and back gardens. This is minimum to get his allowance. He can legally leave home I'm 2 years. He can manage to make himself a butty and grab a banana.