AIBU to not refill her lunchbox?

[Joolsy]

I make DD (yr 7) a lovely substantial, healthy-ish lunch for school every day. She comes home from school and I have to ask her at least 3 times to empty it. I then wash it up and refill it for the next day. I've said to her, if she doesn't empty it, I won't refill it.

I'm sick and tired of asking her several times every day to do this simple job. Same again today - lunchbox is still in her school bag. I've asked her twice so am now considering not asking her again, then tomorrow she'll go to grab her lunch from the fridge and it won't be there.

WIBU in the hope she'll learn to do it without nagging? My only hesitation in doing this is that she'll be in a mad panic and will make us all late for school/work etc while she/I rush around sorting out her lunch.

[Choughed]

I've just realised DD is in fact 8 !

[Thattimeofyearagain]

I made Dd*17 lunch . BUT since I've started doing it I've saved £10-15 pw as I use up what needs using and don't just open everything at once and Chuck it in a bag. She is very grateful and helps me out with other stuff.

[987flowers]

My husband makes my lunch, oh no should I be doing it as "I'm perfectly capable!"

Being part of a family is all give and take and yes she needs to start taking responsibility for her things (I'd do the leaving it on the side thing until she does what she asks) but just because she is capable then she doesn't have to do it. I would however start shifting other responsibilities if she doesn't already have them so she starts pulling her weight.

My children are much younger and make family meals etc but their dad makes the pack up when he makes them all, it just makes sense!

[SatsukiKusakabe]

My mum and all my friends mums made their lunches at secondary school. I am now running my own home, deploying life skills all over the place.

I'd be more worried giving a girl just about to enter their teens that going hungry all day is something they can manage.

The lunchbox emptying thing, I think it all depends - is she defying you over this? Or is she just in a daydream and not really getting it? If the latter I'd save withdrawal of privileges for when the hormones hit in a year or two and she's really giving you problems, not now over a lunchbox.

[BertrandRussell]

Kindness is a much under rated virtue.

[budgiegirl]

She is perfectly capable of making her own lunch

Well, if course she is. Just as I am perfectly capable of loading and unloading the dishwasher, but my kids do that for me most nights. I wouldn't expect them to just unload their own dishes and leave me to do mine.

The main problem here is not whether DD is making her own lunch. It's whether she can carry out a simple request without being nagged. If she can't, put in place a simple and immediate consequence. No phone until it's done. If she misses the 'dishwasher' run, no phone for the rest of the evening etc

[SoupDragon]

She should be making her own lunch by this age.

No, she should capable of making her own lunch.

Whether a parent insists it is made by the child or does it for them is a matter for that particular family. Trying to make it a blanket rule is ridiculous.

[00100001]

We (twins and older sibling) made our own lunches from about 9 years old.

We also made dinner once a week each from 12 years old or so (wednesday was my day) we made what we were told to make.

as soon as my older siblng moved out when we were 16 and in sixth form, we had to make our own dinners. Mum and Dad refused to make them for us after that during the week. So we had to get on with it.

The reason was because we were all over the place, not in at the same time etc if we wanted anything "different" or that wasn't in the fridge/cupboards/freezer e.g a pizza, we had to buy it ourselves with the money we earned from part-time work during A-Levels.

[00100001]

Mum would make us dinner at the weekend. But breakfast ad lunches were our own job to do.

[Gatehouse77]

I make packed lunches for my Y10 and Y8 and sort a snack for my Y12.

They are all perfectly capable of making their own and, on other occasions, do. However, term time it's just part of what I do for them.

As someone earlier said, it's give and take. If I ask them to lay the table, stack the dishwasher, take the washing upstairs, etc. they do so without complaint.

[SohowdoIdothis]

Ok for the record I have children ranging from 25 down to 11, with a few in-between, and others that are here when they need care. I didn't start yesterday.

I have a relative who not so long ago spent millions on research for a selection of universities , because they had a major problem, the students who had gained a place on courses where you have to be extremely accomplished in an academic way, were dropping out like flies, this costs the Universities a lot of money when they lose first year students.

These students had achieved the highest possible results in science and maths, in order to get a place.

The results of the investigations brought up the common problem, these students had managed to achieve because they had a certain type of support, from their parents/carers.

These children have had people that facilitated their lives, healthy meals, clean beds, laundry done, make to shower daily, reminders to get rest and to sleep. Generally what is thought to be wonderful parenting.

When they got to Uni, they went from being the top student in the room to being the same as the others, a new experience for all of them.

It transpired that almost none of them were prepared for self management, you can only be a high achiever if you are carefully looked after, when you don't understand how to feed yourself regular health meals, keep your bed clean, manage your own laundry and regulate your own hygiene and sleep, you will not thrive.

Now to get onto these courses they require you to do a year in industry away from home in order for these very intelligent people to learn about the importance self management.

How ever hard it is, and inconvenient, do not do tasks for your child that they should be capable of doing themselves it will damage their chances long term.

If you install in them confidence that they can do these simple tasks for themselves they will find these things easier and easier, part of making food is leaving a clean space behind you.

Children like to feel self reliant and accomplished at life, doing tasks for them because it is more convenient for you, is only going to make life far harder for them in the long term.

[tillyho]

You are not helping her learn if you do these things for her. Don't do anything and then 5 minutes before she is due to leave remind her has she got her lunch. She then has 5 minutes to make a basic sandwich and clean her lunch box.
Rule in our house - if they don't help you to do the task, transfer the task to them.

[leelu66]

She's in yr7. She will survive without lunch for one day if she hasn't got her lunch box sorted. Just make sure she has some water and she might learn why it's a good idea to clean out the box.

I agree with this. It's not the making of the lunch, it's her wilful disobedience (especially for something that is for her benefit). Nip it in the bud by going on strike. She may realise how much you do for her then.

[pollyblack]

I quite love that my kids empty their lunch boxes at school, I don't need to know they only ate half their lunch, what difference would it make knowing that? There's not a lot I could do about it.

I don't find it any trouble to take my kids lunch boxes out of their school bags each day but if it was an issue then i would prepare the lunch and leave it in the fridge or kitchen for them to put in themselves.

I don't see an issue with making your kids lunches at all, time will come when they want to make their own decisions like buying chips every day for lunch so I'll hang off with that as long as possible.

[Voteforpedr0]

Life is full of boring jobs and Childhood is gone in the blink of an eye . Let her worry about classwork, friendships and usual preteen stuff . You empty it and save yourself the worry

Life is too short

[starfishmummy]

Why does a lunch box need emptying? I understand that it needs to be washed but if it needs emptying every day then she has too much in it.
And if you don't have rubbish (food) in the house then she cant fill it up with rubbish when she makes her own lunches in the future

[Choughed]

It takes 30 seconds to sort out a lunchbox. Not too much of an imposition on a precious childhood gone in the blink of an eye and it teaches kids that they parents are not there to wait on them hand and foot.

Lunch boxes need to be emptied of rubbish, fruit peelings... (my DD's school makes them bring it home). DD's come home with yoghurt smears and dirty spoons as well.

[Choughed]

*they = their

[00100001]

You could need to empty a packed lunch box of any of the following with out wasting food starfish

Banana peel
citrus peel
Apple cores
Fruit stones
Packets from crisps, crackers, fruit bags etc
Sandwich bags/cling film/tin foil
Nut cases (e.g pistachio)
Cake wrappers
Crumbs
yoghurt pots
togurt/fruit tubes
drinks cartons/pouches

[SatsukiKusakabe]

When I met my dh his mum did everything for him. Sandwiches, ironing his underwear, peeling grapes for him, the lot. We were 20 it did not stop it being appreciated and reciprocated though. It's not what you do or don't do for them, it's all the parenting around it. He learned how to take care of himself by osmosis.

He is the most capable person I know. He can sweep through a house in 5 minutes and have it straight in a way I can only dream of. He shares everything 50/50, and is usually feeding the kids and unloading the dishwasher before I've even got my eyes open.

Guess which one of us regularly used to have to sort themselves out as a teen? A little nurturing goes a long way too.

[BestBeforeDate]

I make DH's lunch for him, and he's 58.

[Artandco]

Dhs mother is the typical Greek fussy pot. She would still blow his nose for him if he let her! She fusses over everything and Dh isn't allowed to lift a finger around her. At home Dh and I do everything 50/50, if anything he does more than me. It hasn't affected him at all in terms of independence, and he is very fond of his parents. I hope we have the right balance here with the ours.

[timeforabrewnow]

A little nurturing goes a long way too.

^^

Just that.

And I can't believe I've just read 4 pages about lunch boxes. I think my mind is melding.

[pleaseplease]

My teenagers get an extra £20 a month pocket money. If they make their own sandwiches they can keep the £20 to spend on what they like, they can spend the £20 to buy a £1 sandwich/panini at school every day, or they can do a combination of the two. Drinks, snacks and fruit etc is always available for them to take too.

One Dc has a lot more pocket money available to spend as she is prepared to put the effort into making her lunch. One DC is too lazy but as a result he has a lot less disposible income. He does run out of money sometimes but then has to do other jobs or he has to even make the dreaded sandwich to top up his money.

[Voteforpedr0]

Please please, think I'll pinch that idea. Makes total sense in terms of responsibility and managing the family budget too.