AIBU to not refill her lunchbox?

[Joolsy]

I make DD (yr 7) a lovely substantial, healthy-ish lunch for school every day. She comes home from school and I have to ask her at least 3 times to empty it. I then wash it up and refill it for the next day. I've said to her, if she doesn't empty it, I won't refill it.

I'm sick and tired of asking her several times every day to do this simple job. Same again today - lunchbox is still in her school bag. I've asked her twice so am now considering not asking her again, then tomorrow she'll go to grab her lunch from the fridge and it won't be there.

WIBU in the hope she'll learn to do it without nagging? My only hesitation in doing this is that she'll be in a mad panic and will make us all late for school/work etc while she/I rush around sorting out her lunch.

[sadie9]

What works better is instead of saying something negative or a threat like 'I won't fill your lunch box, and you'll have no lunch and be late for school', a more effective sort of 'nag', (let's call it Positive Nagging) is to (1) State the value of the behaviour, then (2) state What You Do to Get there. So you have 'If you would like me to do your lunch for tomorrow can you please empty it now' or 'If you would like to be on time for school tomorrow, can you empty your lunchbox now otherwise I can't fill it'. And just keep repeating that.
Not refilling the lunchbox is not an incentive for her to empty it. She'll only worry about her lunch going out the door tomorrow morning, or when it's actually lunchtime. Giving you extra work is not an incentive for her to empty it. Having you make her lunch and get her to school on time is an incentive. Name the thing that impacts her, and name it in a way that emphasises the positive aspect of it.

[Jw35]

Our Dd's are he same age, she was also 12 in September they're fun at the moment aren't they! Mine goes to the canteen now, I officially had enough of lunch boxes after junior school! Stress free! Otherwise I'd do this-no phone/computer/TV/etc until the lunchbox is emptied. I have to do this for tidying her room and it works a treat

[WorraLiberty]

I used to make my own packed lunch at 12.

I didn't throw a load of junk in there because I wasn't allowed to.

[Potterwolfie]

DSs are in Yr7 and 5 and yes, I still make their lunches. They would do it themselves but tbh, there would be faff, mess, butter everywhere, random and unneccessary kitchen implements used, and it's just easier to do it myself. Weekends, they makes their own.

[MagentaSpunkTrumpet]

If DS(11) or DH don't empty their lunchbox, then I make the lunch and stick it on the side. The box still needs emptying and wiping out but the potential for being late is greatly minimised, the lunch is still healthy and I am not held up by either making a lunch or clearing up after the carnage that is DS making a sandwich.

[CalleighDoodle]

Im 37 and dont make my own packed lunch.

[lljkk]

Blimey if you have to guide them I'd just as soon do it myself.
2 x DSs would never have any lunch if we didn't make it.

[frazzledbutcalm]

YABU. All that will happen is you'll both be stressed/angry/upset/late. There's no point in that when you can prevent it. The issue isn't whether OP should make her dd's lunch or whether dd should make it herself (that's a very personal family choice). The issue is the dd not getting her lunch box emptied - at 12/13 years old she can do this.

So OP, you need to be more firm in making dd empty her lunch box. As soon as she gets in from school, tell her to empty it, don't let her do anything else til that's done - after all it only takes seconds. Whatever she's desperate to do can wait those few seconds.

[whois]

My mum mad sandwiches for me when I was 18 and starting my first job! Looking back that seems so redic. Oh well, I was nothing but grateful and am capable of sorting my own lunch now.

[MaitlandGirl]

I gave up on lunch boxes for my 3 and used brown paper bags - so much easier than constantly nagging about lunch boxes so mouldy they can walk themselves across the room.

[AlisonWunderland]

What about "no lunchbox, no dinner" ?

[HSMMaCM]

She's in yr7. She will survive without lunch for one day if she hasn't got her lunch box sorted. Just make sure she has some water and she might learn why it's a good idea to clean out the box.

[ravenAK]

It's not necessarily as simple as expecting her to sort her own, though.

My eldest (year 7) would make his own pack up (& sometimes does) but he makes a hideous mess - dyspraxic, poor motor skills & generally klutzy. Otherwise I'd be bribing him to do his own & his sisters'!

We're overseas & living in a compound, so I need to be organised about ordering groceries to be delivered, & then sorting out a healthy lunch for each kid. Fruit & veg, for example, is cheap & tasty but needs washing & manky bits trimming off. Or they just wouldn't eat it. Also, the range of available protein-y stuff is limited & I'd rather they didn't just have a cheese sarnie EVERY day.

In some families income will also be a factor - if you're on a tight budget you need to avoid waste.

I find it easier to just make the chuffing lunches than to leave it to my year 7 kid.

[silvermantela]

You not only make her lunch box but cut up her food for her??? She is in Year 7, not 7 years old, right? I'm sorry OP, I usually live and let live wrt to different parenting, but if you treat her like a baby then obviously she's not going to be more responsible. She takes her lead from you!

[sleeponeday]

I read that she was 7 at first and thought you were bonkers. Then I realised you said Yr 7 and now I think you're entirely reasonable.

I had too much to do as a kid, because the family situation wasn't great. But I was sorting out my own food for lunch as a latchkey kid by 11, and then cooking a family meal for supper by 13. Not saying that isn't too much, just that it is a ballpark to capacity in terms of age. If she can't be arsed to empty out her own lunchbox, then I think she needs some tough love. I knew people like her at uni and they struggled to adapt to adult life, because nobody had ever shown them how. Part of parenting is slow and incremental stages towards independence, and she needs to get that her lunchbox is for her benefit and not yours.

[FeelingSmurfy]

Make it but don't put it in the lunch box for her, tell her next time you won't make it and she will have to buy a lunch using pocket money. Tell her you will ask her once to empty it, if lunchbox isn't empty and in x place when you make the lunches then she has to use pocket money to buy lunch from now on

[SatsukiKusakabe]

I only have little children, but it seems a lot of fuss over nothing, really.

I mean I don't think it's a big deal to be making a 12 year old her lunches, she's still a child and only just started secondary, and since you are...I think I'd rather just empty her lunchbox at the same time as filling it, and save myself the hassle of nagging about it. Then maybe when you're ready to have her do her own lunch, have a chat with her about what it entails and then it's not a thing anymore, as she'll do it naturally herself.

If you are saying it several times a day, and nothing really comes of it, sounds like she's probably just tuned you out.

[YouTheCat]

At that age dd either made her own or went without. I provided the ingredients and all she had to do was make a sandwich and bung some fruit in her bag. If she couldn't be bothered that was her problem. I gave her the option of having dinners but the whole dinner set up at her school meant she'd be lucky to have 5 minutes to eat.

No way would I be babying a kid of that age.

[SohowdoIdothis]

She should be making her own lunch at that age, just tell her that the new plan and let her get on with it.

[Artandco]

I would still make lunch tbh and just ask her each evening still for the box. Yes she's 12, but she's in the first year of secondary, and I would rather at that age they remembered school work than a lunchbox. School is already stressful enough and they get nagged enough without petty arguments over a box. I would also want to know that she had a heathy nutrious lunch to help with her concentration at school in the afternoons

Just gently remind and ask her for it as your making it.

I wouldn't call a sandwich,baby bel and crisps a good lunch for anyone.

[selly24]

If children are not allowed to attempt to make their own lunch (and the mess, timescale, "faff" etc) are not tolerated, how on earth are they supposed to build life skills and become independent?
Parents could at least spare 5/10 mins of their time to guide/supervise their children and ensure the choices are reasonably healthy and the kitchen does not turn in to a total bomb site! Completing tasks like this builds children's self esteem and motivated them to do more for themselves and others.... Which in the long run will make the lives of those around them so much easier!

[SatsukiKusakabe]

she will survive without lunch for one day

But why would you want your 12 year old to have to do that? So she learns to empty her lunchbox. Pretty shitty IMO. She's her daughter, not a behaviour experiment.

[Bogeyface]

I make all the kids lunches, including DD1 who is 18 and at college. I have to do the primary aged ones, and it barely takes a couple more minutes to make sandwiches for the other two. If anyone is making lunch for more than one person, I see no issue with them doing it for everyone. No different for cooking for a whole family imo.

But lunch boxes are emptied as soon as they come in from school, and there are sanctions if this doesnt happen. DS was a bugger for this, but he soon learned his lesson when DD was sitting doing nothing on the sofa and he was doing his chore and hers! He empties it without being told now.

Similar issue with DD2 was her forgetting her lunch (Yr7) and asking me to bring it in. I did it twice and said I wouldnt do it again. And I didnt. She was starving when she got home but never forgot again.

[ravenAK]

But that's a counsel of perfection, selly24, that doesn't always translate to 'The kids need to have appropriate packed lunches for tomorrow & I'm in charge of overseeing that that happens'.

My 11yo cooks a family meal once a week - it's part of his occupational therapy for his dyspraxia - & he's a bloody good cook whose spaghetti Bolognese puts me to shame, but it takes him twice as long as it would me to make, & crikey he can trash a kitchen. On a day to day basis, it would probably be great for him to make his own lunch, but frankly, it would finish me off!

(& I'd still have his little sisters' to do).

[Bogeyface]

Parents could at least spare 5/10 mins of their time to guide/supervise their children and ensure the choices are reasonably healthy

Do you have teenagers?