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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want another child?

44 replies

coveredinhopeandvaseline · 13/03/2016 12:44

I'm 32 years old, have a lovely little 6 month old baby boy who I adore (first child) but I'm thinking there's no way I could do this all again.

My body is a mess, my house is a mess, I feel knackered all the time. The thought of getting back in shape and getting organised only to turn round and do it all again is so daunting...especially the tiny baby phase of 0-3 months.

DH is an only child, I'm from a huge family. He thinks our DS will be too lonely without a sibling, as he was.

I love my baby to pieces and the thought of the future with him is exciting but really don't know if I could be arsed having another child.

Is it ok to feel like this, or do I just feel this way because I haven't come out the other side of babyhood yet?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 13/03/2016 12:47

I felt this way for at least 18 months - just couldn't imagine doing it all again. I did change my mind (still TTC) but I would also be OK if it didn't happen, because I remember how bone achingly tired I was when DS was small Grin

curren · 13/03/2016 12:49

There is no right answer to this.

I felt like you buy now have a second. Born 7 years apart.

After I had my second me and dh had agreed he would go for snip. Even though I knew I definitely didn't want more I didn't want the option taken away so he wait a year.

It's not wrong to only have one. It's not wrong to two. Everyone is different and how you feel now may not always be how you feel. It might be how you feel for forever. Non of the is is unreasonable.

It's all well and good dh wanting another but it's your body that it impacts more.

Chinks123 · 13/03/2016 12:49

You may change your mind when your little one is older, you may not. I was broody when mine was a few months old, now she is 2 I know for definite I want another one but im not broody at the minute. I think you go through phases Confused at 6 months you'll still be tired and getting used to everything and once it's all settled down you might find you want another. But if you don't then that's fine too Smile oh and your body and house won't be a mess forever!! (Well actually your house probably will if it's anything like mine haha)

Arfarfanarf · 13/03/2016 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
coveredinhopeandvaseline · 13/03/2016 12:50

VimFuego101 Hope you have good luck soon with TTC

OP posts:
namechangeformypost · 13/03/2016 12:50

I'm in my 20s and could easily not have another child
I would need a section and I'm scared it would ruin my body more than its already ruined, quite podgy and stretch marked
I'm knackered physically and emotionally
And im just not maternal enough for this

2tired2bewitty · 13/03/2016 12:51

Your baby is still tiny and you are still young, there's no need to decide just yet!

I often felt that one was enough in the early days of dd1's life, our house was tiny and chaotic, I was quiet isolated and I went back to work before she was really old enough to appreciate baby groups so didn't really meet anyone.

And yet, I find myself six years later (in a different house in a different town) wondering whether 6 week old dc3 will stay asleep if I move him off my lap where he is currently asleep or whether I should just enjoy the cuddle and clean the bathroom later Smile

Original poster
coveredinhopeandvaseline · 13/03/2016 12:53

Haha I always said (until I met DH) that I never wanted children at all but changed my mind almost as soon as I met him so DS was planned and very much wanted...so perhaps I will change my mind in a couple of years.

But the thought of it now....... shudder

OP posts:
Runner05 · 13/03/2016 12:54

I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel like that. I'm 16 weeks and I can say without a doubt that after the shit time I've had and am likely to have (complications) there is no way in hell of do it again. Luckily my OH is onboard with that.

I do have a friend who let her OH convince her to have another when she didn't feel it was something she wanted to do. She'd had a hard pregnancy and didn't think she could cope with another but she did it anyway to please him... They're now divorced Hmm

MyBreadIsEggy · 13/03/2016 12:56

I felt like this until my DD was 6mo.
I thought the whole world had come to end when I was in the throws of childbirth, and I couldn't possibly ever do that again.
Then came the sleepless nights, illnesses, sore boobs etc and I really thought I would never get through it.
.....she's 11mo now and I'm pregnant with #2. Once she hit 6mo and started acting like a "proper human" ie. Eating solids, interacting with people properly, playing with toys etc I started to get broody and miss her being my tiny little baby!

AndNowItsSeven · 13/03/2016 12:56

You can have as many or as few dc as you like. But assuming you are healthy apologies if not you are being a tad dramatic. One baby should not cause a wrecked knocked body - what does wrecked body even mean, or a messy house.

Spl0ink · 13/03/2016 12:58

Mine is nine months old now and I think about whether we will have another one every day. In the early days I think that was part of the trauma; being so shocked at how much pain and whatnot I was in that thinking about having another one seemed terrifying. And now that he's older and more fun, and the whole thing is less lacerating, I think about the logistics of whether I could go through all that again with a little one to contend with.

So no useful advice for you from me! But as someone else has said, it's broodiness and being able to conceive that will decide it for you. All rational thoughts about your body and your house and logistics go straight out the window when your body decides that it wants a baby Smile

DrunkenUnicorn · 13/03/2016 13:00

I remember antenatal group friends have number two when dc1 was still under 3 and I thought they were all nuts! (Of course I never said that!) Personally I can't think of anything worse than toddler and baby combos!

I have 5/6 year age gaps between my 3. Suits me so much better but of course doesn't float everyone's boat.

But YANBU to feel this way at all. You may change your mind a few years down the line but maybe not, either way it's perfectly normal

TheToys · 13/03/2016 13:06

Yanbu. DS is 6.5 and will likely never have a sibling. It's absolutely fine.

ScoutsMam · 13/03/2016 13:11

12 Years between my two! Teen and Toddler should be a fun combo.

I never thought I'd have another. If money were no issue I'd have a 3rd sometime in the future.

Floggingmolly · 13/03/2016 13:13

Why do so many people feel guilty about not producing the requisite 2.4 children? You couldn't actually do anything more stupid than have a child you don't want but feel society expects (it doesn't).

Purplebluebird · 13/03/2016 13:20

My son is 2 and I still feel like this. There is absolutely no reason to have another child if you don't truly want to. Your child can pick its friends - there is no guarantee siblings get along with each other, so your other half's point is invalid really. I will not be having another child, and have given my other half a clear message that I will not, and that if he leaves to have more children with another woman, I will not blame him for it, as I know it can be a very strong need for some people.

ExConstance · 13/03/2016 13:21

Strange and illogical but I found motherhood very difficult first time around and couldn't imagine wanting another baby. After a few months I began to feel quite proud of the new skills I'd developed and how I'd learned to understand DS and cope with his funny ways. I then began to think how these new skills would be wasted if I didn't use them again, hence DS2. The whole thing was much easier second time around from the birth right through to things like knowing how a car seat worked and how to put on a vest. The way you fee now, OP, may change as you become more relaxed in your role.

DolphinsandDinosaurs · 13/03/2016 13:21

Now is not the time to think about it. Enjoy the one you have now, and focus on getting through the blur of the baby stage. There is no right or wrong, whether you decide to have another or not at some stage.

Does your DS have cousins that are near him in age, and likely to be around while he is growing up? It does not need to be siblings that provide company. My DS is a sort of only, in that his siblings are much older, but he has cousins about his age, that he sees a lot, and he has never seemed to be lonely so far.

Pinkheart5915 · 13/03/2016 13:26

There is no right answer , it will come down to whatever feels right for you in regards to having another baby.
My husband is an only child, and he had a wonderful childhood, didn't feel something was missing cos he didn't have siblings.
My ds is 6 months now and I'm already pregnant again, but it felt right for us.

1lov3comps · 13/03/2016 13:33

I felt like this until dd was 5, so I have a 5 year and 10 month gap between my 2.
I spent the first 3-4 years stressing and beating myself up about how i felt - I didn't want more children but I wanted to want more IYSWIM. Long story short, waiting until I felt 100% ready was absolutely the best decision for me and DH. I am done though, had always envisioned 3 children but I realise now that it's just not for me and am totally fine with this.

greatbigwho · 13/03/2016 13:34

I always wanted loads of kids - and within minutes of my daughter being born, I realised I was done.

I've been called selfish by many people for not "giving her" a sibling, but I really feel that we're done. We've found our groove as a little family of three, and I love it.

Whatever you do though, people will criticise your choice, but only you and your partner can know what's right for you.

cocochanel21 · 13/03/2016 13:40

I think its ok just to have the one.
Had Dd1 when I was really young was a single mum for years and didn't want anymore kids. Dd did have a lot of cousin's to play with so she was never lonely.

MarrIed DH when I was 32 he also had dcs from a previous relationship so we both agreed no more kid's.

Imagine the shock to find out I was pregnant at 38. DD2 is 15weeks old, that's a 23year age gap between my dds.
Second time round and I'm feeling like a first time mum again. Some of the thing's babies have nowadays I'd never heard of before choosing a pram was a nightmare Grin.

TooGood2BeFalse · 13/03/2016 13:51

I used to want four kids. Then I had my son, now four, and as lovely as he is, said NO MORE and I meant it. I'm now 22 weeks pregnant with DS 2. I didn't mean it :-)

No right, no wrong. You might feel differently later, you might not.

DixieNormas · 13/03/2016 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.