To think Sil's behaviour is astonishing

[MrsOlaf78]

My fil is terminally ill and mil has to take care of him as he's very poorly - dh and I help her as much as we can. But her daughter, my sil, still makes quite a lot of demands on her. She and her dh expect mil to come and take care of their children two days a week while she's a work (so fil is left alone all day in the house) and often calls mil at very short notice asking her to come over and look after her children.

A typical example was on Friday - my dh was at mil's house repairing her washing machine for her as fil isn't well enough to do these things anymore. Sil suddenly rang saying she had to go and pick her four year old from preschool but her one year old was asleep and she didn't want to wake her youngest so she asked mil to come over and look after the little one. So mil had to drop everything, drive twenty minutes to babysit and leave fil. Luckily dh was there to keep an eye on him.

It's so hard to watch mil being taken advantage of, we've stood by for a long time and watched it go on but recently as fil has deteriorated, we have gently suggested to mil that maybe she is doing quite a lot for sil but she gets very defensive and sticks up for her and acts like we are the ones being unreasonable. She won't listen to anything remotely negative about sil. Dh gets very upset about it and I must admit I find it staggeringly selfish but if Mil is seemingly happy to do it, I don't know what we can do. I think it's just the dynamics of their relationship - sil is overly dependent on mil and mil has always facilitated this so the pattern is too established. I need my mum lots too but I would like to think that I would know when to back off and sort things out myself. AIBU to be astonished that she can't do this even when her father is so ill.

I think your SIL is behaving selfishly, but sounds like she always has and MIL is happy to enable this.

Now is really not a good time to try to change this dynamic. It would have been a good time for your SIL to wise up and not ask too much of her mother etc. But she hasn't. It would have been a good time for your MIL to wise up and ask for some support from her daughter rather than giving it. But she hasn't.

There's nothing you can do to make them think or behave differently about this. And things may well explode at mo if you try. For some reason, unfortunately, it suits them both.

Mil doesn't have to drop everything, she doesn't have to cancel her own arrangements, she chooses to. That's up to her.

You're right Fantastic. I think mil is sometimes a bit nervous of saying no. Sil and her family were living with my in-laws when fil was initially diagnosed, while they were doing their own house up. They stayed far longer than they had originally arranged and when mil asked when they would be moving out (fil was finding it hard to have young children running around when he felt tired and poorly) sil was very nasty in her response. We were with mil when she got the phone call and it was horrible. So there is an element of sil dominating mil quite a bit although as you say, mil does facilitate this.

But zzzzz - a lot of it is unnecessary help. Surely sil needs to learn that sometimes you need to wake the baby up when you need to go out. Sometimes you need to pay for a childminder when the rest of the family are working or have caring responsibilities. Sil already thinks the whole world revolves her - I can't bring myself to reinforce that.

We do help them - we take fil to all his hospital appointments, we take mil to visit him every day when he has to stay there, we help with the garden, household repairs and go to look after him when mil needs to go out for a bit. Honestly we do all we can. I can't look after sil's children as I'm working too.

Yes it's hard to watch horrible family dynamics. MIL pussy footing round BIL, FIL's illness being an inconvenience to their childcare arrangements, can't do the simplest things with two DC (so dump them on GM!), my DC's relationship with their GP's is an after thought. So we told MIL they were taking the piss and how she should say no more, she's the matriarch narc bullying MIL on every other level so can say no, so she's developed a new lying voice to underplay how much child care she does. It's hard, there's probably nothing you can do to stop it, MIL & SIL are both party to this, so try be a better person than me to just not let it get to you, they are two grown adults.

I think you have to let them sort it out between them. Mother and daughter relationships are odd things and what they have is what they have created themselves. I can't imagine my sil getting involved in my relationship with my mother, and if she did I don't think either of us would take it kindly. Would you want your sil commenting on your relationship with your mother?

I don't think you should say anything, I'm sure she enjoys looking after the kids and probably (without sounding harsh) enjoys the break from her home life.

I think you need to let them resolve it between themselves.

If you want to foster the relationship between your daughter and her grandmother, you could offer to go over and look after FIL while DH takes his mum and daughter out for the afternoon - Mil would probably welcome the break.

I don't think you should offer to look after sil's children, whether you were working or not. It's one thing to not interfere but quite another to facilitate this sort of behaviour. Given that she does little else, she can certainly look after her own kids

I know Sonja. Sometimes it's so hard though. We were at the hospital with fil the other week waiting for his treatment to start and sil was ringing up demanding to know when mil would be back to look after her child. Fil's treatment takes the best part of a day and it's quite a long journey home too. I didn't say anything but nearly bit my lip right off!!!

In not gonna say that SIL isn't selfish but she is faced with the prospect of soon losing her father. Her DM could be feeling sorry for her. Or, as PPs have said, she could enjoy taking a little break from caring for her DH - lots of carers feel very guilty about needing a break but by helping SIL maybe your MIL finds it easier to take that much needed break.

I'll also add that I realise that your DH is equally faced with losing his father but people do experience these things very differently so if one sibling is coping it doesn't mean another sibling is, or even, is in the same way.

All in all its obviously a difficult situation for all involved. All you can really do is support your PILs as much as you are able to without your own family suffering.

Nursing ones dying loved one, is immensely emotionally draining and exhausting. Your MIL may be more than happy to 'escape' from this very pressured situation little and often, she may find the frequent company of her daughter and/or grandchildren a really pleasant diversion from her difficult life at the moment.

This. In bucketloads.

My son thinks I do too much for my DD and my DGD and cannot understand that I get pleasure from helping them and being with them. He doesn't have children himself, but I hope I'd be equally fair to them if/when he does. In the meantime I would be appalled if he spoke to my DD about it - it would imply that I'm not able to make my own choices! You can't know why your MIL chooses to behave as she does OP, but she's an adult and it's her choice.

Cara thanks for the extra persepective. It's more my sil's behaviour that baffles me and the way that she is expecting to be mil's priority when she clearly has other priorities too. Mil looks exhausted a lot of the time and it's just a concern that her good nature is being exploited.

Also my mil does have another grandchild that never sees her because she puts her daughter's needs first. I'm so glad you say you wouldn't do that because it's something that upsets my dd.

we have gently suggested to mil that maybe she is doing quite a lot for sil but she gets very defensive and sticks up for her and acts like we are the ones being unreasonable. She won't listen to anything remotely negative about sil

I'm struggling to see why you think it's appropriate to intervene in the relationship of a mother and daughter who are both in a very difficult situation when it's clear that neither of your want or appreciate your input. It's not for you to dictate their relationship. You need to just be supportive on the terms that they want. Judging is not helping anyone, and agree that it's not going to help your DH to have you badmouth his sister, who does not seem to have done anything wrong apart from take advantage of childcare that your MIL is more than happy to give.

It's always the dependable ones that help out that get treated with contempt.
Your sil sounds entitled to me, but there again mil is facilitating this. Also no caring dd would be making demands for childcare and demanding to know when df and dm will be back from hospital appointment.

I think you should leave it on your MIL to sort her own issues with her daughter and choose between her husband and daughter etc. But just don't let it affect your lives. For example, if MIL is not home and FIL needs urgent care, is it your husband who has to do the help FIL needs? Or some other domestic issues or thing that are causing trouble to your family because of the way your MIL / SIL are doing it? If yes then I say you are being affected and it's your right to interfere. In this case you guys need to divide the chores/duties regarding FIL equally between the two households(yours and SIL) so no long term resentment comes between you two. Easier said than done I know.

Oh I just read that post where you say she called during treatment to ask when will MIL be home. That's very very selfish and low attitude towards own parents. I would nt have been able to keep my mouth shut I am sure.

I think often women do find it easier to 'take breaks' from caring responsibilities if it involves, em, engaging in more caring responsibilities. Mostly women are taught taking a break for self care is inappropriate, self-indulgent, difficult. It is less so for men who are encouraged to continue with their golf/bingo/football watching to take a break. Men need it, you see . Women just need to take on other caring duties, after all a change is as good as a rest...

Yeah. You can't do anything about it, but placing these demands isn't your SIL helping your pils.

This is a perfect example of a good Mumsnet thread.