I've NC for this so I don't out myself. Also my first AIBU!
Background: My BFF 'Mary' is married to my DH's BFF 'Bob'.
I just found out that 'Bob' has been reading 'Mary's' email. How you ask? He called my DH and told him some of the things I've said about him when Mary & I have emailed each other and done the usual venting with each other (as friends do) when we're angry at our spouses. Mary and I can really make 'digs' at our DHs and be extremely sarcastic but we know that we don't mean them, iyswim. Nothing vile or cruel. Just the usual 'can you believe what an idiot…' kind of thing. Apparently he was angry at her for something and rather than talk to her, he decided to print some of her 'venting' emails and pin them to their bedroom door. Then he decided that my DH 'needed to know' what I've said and called him. AND he's told DH he's going to forward my emails so he can read them for himself. He apparently wasn't home when he called DH and Mary has told me she's deleted them all. Hopefully before he's had a chance to forward them to his own email account! I'll also add that Bob until recently had a huge alcohol problem and was violent to her and some of the emails he saw were probably ones in which I told Mary to LTB and what I thought of his drinking. He's no longer drinking, and I was happy for her and thought things had been much better. Now, I'm not so sure!
Anyway, DH is upset that I criticized him to Mary, saying he wouldn't do that to me. Bob has put his own 'interpretation' on my words to DH. Needless to say this has caused some 'words' between DH and I, but I expect we'll get over it.
I'm really furious at Bob, not so much at Mary. I had no idea he had her email password and she had no idea he'd been reading her emails, as far back as two years, as she never reads his. DH says I should be angry at HER because she never told me her email wasn't private and that I should realize that Bob was only being 'a good friend'. My opinion is he did it as revenge for my telling Mary to leave him and to try to 'break up' Mary's and my friendship as I made it very clear that she shouldn't put up with his drunken abuse. The thing is I know quite a few of the really mean things he's said about her/her family because he's vented to my DH, both drunk and sober. I've kept quiet about them as DH relayed them to me under 'marital confidence'.
I told DH that I feel like telling Mary every mean thing Bob has said about her when he's been 'venting'. DH says it's different because I 'put it in writing' and if I told Mary I'd just be repeating Bob's 'verbal remarks'. I said the only difference is that Bob would have plausible deniability where as the emails are 'proof'. I've kept quiet about them as DH relayed them to me under 'marital confidence'.
I guess here are my AIBU;
AIBU at being mad at him, not her?
AIBU to want to tell her all the things he's said about her and her family when he's been drunk and/or 'venting' to DH? (Perfectly willing to be told AIBU on this point as DH told me in confidence)