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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

You don't always have to be fair to grandparents

37 replies

Obliviated · 12/03/2016 17:01

I was talking to Dp today about visitors when our baby is born (which isn't for months) and he is very keen on things to be fair, whereas I don't think it's important to be fair all the time.

His mum and dad divorced years ago. I've only met his dad a few times and find him obnoxious and quite rude. I see his mum twice a week and love her. She's very supportive, easy to be around, has been to scans and I'm comfortable around her.

She is more than welcome to come round whenever she wants after the baby is born. She will make tea, bring cake and won't bat an eyelid at breastfeeding or that I will be sat in my pj's looking knackered. Dp says though, that his dad has the same right as his mum to be here. I don't think he does. For the first few days breastfeeding is tricky and it takes me a while to get the latch right, and I won't feel comfortable with his dad here. He will also bring his teenage son's with him. I would rather he wait until I feel more comfortable, maybe a few days or a week. Dp has even asked that his dad doesn't find out that his mum has been to the scan, or that she knew about the pregnancy before he did. She kept it quiet for weeks. The second his dad found out he told everyone.

Do you think grandparents should have the same rights and that things have to be fair? I think my comfort comes first.

OP posts:

DartmoorDoughnut · 12/03/2016 17:04

You sound entirely reasonable tbh

pinkyredrose · 12/03/2016 17:06

Of course they don't have equal rights, why should they? His DM has been a wonderful support but his Dad seems to treat you as if he doesn't really like you that much, why the hell would you want him around to the same extent?

neonrainbow · 12/03/2016 17:06

It's your baby it's ok to not want aanyone who is not close to you to be around right after you give birth. It's about you recovering from a trauma. A week to wait is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2016 17:06

There are no rights in this, except for your right to privacy. Everything else should just be practical. DMIL will be helpful and fab so she is an asset in the house. There's nothing to stop DFIL visiting but you need space and time to BF.

chillycurtains · 12/03/2016 17:07

No it doesn't have to be fair in terms of even visiting between them. It's to do with relationship. It doesn't sound like your DP's father will want to be round all the time though. I wouldn't panic just yet. Regarding the first week, well, do what you want really but if your DP wants both his mum and dad to visit the baby in the first few days that is fair enough. That is to do with being fair to your DP rather than between his parents. That will be a bonding experience between your DP and his father too. If your DP's family has a family of his own then I should think he will be going home to them anyway and not hanging out at your house for the week.

Finola1step · 12/03/2016 17:07

Sorry, but he's talking bollocks. And I do feel for him because this rubbish must come from somewhere. I think you should ask him why its important to be seen tiq be fair to both his parents when you have an unequal relationship with them. Listen very, very carefully to what he says.

escapedfrommordor · 12/03/2016 17:07

Nobody has "rights" besides you and your partner anyway. All other diva demands should be ignored.

hedgehogsdontbite · 12/03/2016 17:08

Dp says though, that his dad has the same right as his mum to be here.

Your DP is correct, he does indeed have the same right to be there: none.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/03/2016 17:08

I'm with you on this. The most important thing when you have just had a baby is that everybody is fair to you. People who don't know how to behave don't get an invite until you feel up to dealing with them. Perhaps if he doesn't want his dad to miss out he can take him off to the pub or whatever they usually bond over, rather than bringing him round along with assorted teens to ogle your boobs. Not telling him that his ex-wife visited before he did is fair enough though; what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

kawolski · 12/03/2016 17:10

When you've just had a baby you are the one that comes first.

When I had mine it was important to me that I felt in control. I didn't veto anyone visiting before we had the baby though. I just made it clear to people that I would decide how I felt after baby was born.

It is important you have DH backing though. He has to be prepared to step in and say not today, we will let you know.

coconutpie · 12/03/2016 17:12

YOU are the one that will have pushed a baby out of your nether regions or have had major surgery to get the baby out. YOU decide who comes to visit, not your DP. His father has no right to be there unless you want him. His mother has been supportive so it's great that you want her to be there to support you. I'm sure if it was your DP recovering from giving birth then he wouldn't be happy with you telling him who would be visiting him.

SliceOfLime · 12/03/2016 17:14

No one has 'rights' here except you - the days after giving birth are so hard that I think it should be entirely up to you who visits, when and how long for.

Original poster

Obliviated · 12/03/2016 17:18

I did ask him and he said he felt his dad deserved it because he bought his children from his second relationship up alone after his wife left. I pointed out that millions of women bring children up alone and no one gives them any special treatment - his own mother bought him and his brother up alone but no one ever goes on about that. But because his dad did this we are all supposed to be overwhelmed by his sacrifice. I'm still pissed off at the blatant double standards.

Plus, when his sister had her children, his dad and extended family were all in the waiting room and now think that thats what it will be like this time. It won't. I don't plan on making I'm in labour' announcements.

His dad spends half his time blocking and unblocking dp on fb or complaining that dp hasn't done enough for him, whilst at the same time, ignoring him at Christmas by not even getting him a card, or calling to borrow money etc.

I have pregnancy rage. It's unjustified really as dp ended up agreeing with me

OP posts:

AuntieStella · 12/03/2016 17:19

It's totally reasonable to pace visitors in the early days, depending on what you feel up to.

Yes, grandparents (even obnoxious ones) would reasonably expect to visit early on. That does not mean they all have identical visits.

Tell your DH he is to be crystal clear that he is to make no plans and extend no invitations to anyone at all for the immediate post natal period before the birth. And that you will decide (together, but with you having the final say during your recuperation period) who and when once you have some idea how things are going.

I would add that there is something to be said for getting awkward visitors out if the way early on though. You can retire to bed and interact very little with them. Your DH can do all the hosting.

LaurieLemons · 12/03/2016 17:24

A few days is perfectly reasonable. I made the mistake of 'announcing' my labour to everyone and needless to say I regret it. Those first few hours and days are so important don't let anyone ruin it. I actually disagree with your thread title, but not wanting him their immediately is not unfair at all. If he's only met you a few times then surely that's saying something isn't it? If he wants the same treatment he needs to make the same effort.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/03/2016 17:29

Sounds like your DP is in the habit of making the running to try and please his dad, with little success, poor fellow. Some people are just really hard to please or like and unfortunately they tend to be just as fertile as the rest of us.

SoupDragon · 12/03/2016 17:32

Fair does not mean equal. YANBU to see his father and mother differently when thinking about after the birth.

However, bear in mind that your DP is caught between two parents. He's not being particularly unreasonable as he probably sees his parents differently to you and will most likely be the one dealing with his father afterwards.

For the sake of harmony, you might be better off allowing a quick visit (in hospital?) shortly after the birth for both of them and then no one for a couple of weeks. Visits can be stressful - I remember wanting everyone to just fuck off home after I had DS1!

HanYOLO · 12/03/2016 17:33

I'd glad you have such a lovely Mum In Law.

You and the baby come first. Reassure your DP that you will in no way want to exclude his dad, and want to ensure your DC has the opportunity for a good relationship with his grandfather. But no-one has any access "rights" to your baby, apart from you and your DP.

Take no shit on this. You have a loving, motherly relationship with your MIL. You will let DFIL know when he is welcome. I kind of agree with pp re getting him in and out of the door early if poss. An hour, when you're ready, before the baby blues, in a window when perhaps, you take a bath and leave them to it. Then he can go off and tell everyone about the baby and come back in a few weeks months whenever you are more disposed towards its.

JeanGenie23 · 12/03/2016 17:37

I can sympathise with your situation and it sounds incredibly like mine.

I would suggest that you take the early days at your pace. You do not know how you will be feeling after birth and even your lovely MIL may get on top of you.

However in the long term you need to find a solution, my FIL has only met DD once and she is now 14months. He doesn't live that far away, and the only time he has seen her we had to go to him. She is only young now but ultimately I don't want her to miss out of having a GD (my dad passed away so he is her only GD)

Good luck

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2016 17:39

MN diagnosis hotline here; personality disorder? If he has, it's very hard for your DP.

RB68 · 12/03/2016 17:47

its not about what is fair or right for anyone other than you and little one in the first few days - so a short visit is fine anything more is not esp with teenage boys plural. Mind you they are likely to be embarrassed beyond belief rather than anything else.

So what is needed is some way of limiting the visit without being overly obvious. Maybe make an afternoon appt as xyz is visiting am and then followed by a 4 oclock health visitors appt or something. And if you need to feed then be prepared to disappear upstairs or another room or something as they are unlikely to move their butts to leave you in peace.

I think with regards to DP be clear you are not excluding them but say they are not great with boundaries and don't get the hint to leave when you need to breast feed etc which makes it very difficult all round.

Inertia · 12/03/2016 17:56

Of course your partner's father doesn't have any rights. You'll be recovering from the birth; the priorities are the health and well-being of the baby, and your right to recover with the privacy and support you need.

Your partner's father sounds pretty childish, with all the FB stuff. Glad your MIL is so supportive.

iyamehooru · 12/03/2016 17:58

I'd say it's less about their title and more about your relationship with them so no,you don't have to be fair.

ollieplimsoles · 12/03/2016 18:01

Ive always said this about grandparents.

they don't have any right to see their grandchild until you, the parents, are ready. I never understood this clamoring to get at a grandchild first. Mil tried it, it made me so uncomfortable we banned visits for ages.

Guiltydilemma · 12/03/2016 18:04

No I don't think they have equal rights. Your mum in law sounds like she's a supportive friend as well as a relative so definitely earns extra points so far as visiting rights go!

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