You don't always have to be fair to grandparents

[Obliviated]

I was talking to Dp today about visitors when our baby is born (which isn't for months) and he is very keen on things to be fair, whereas I don't think it's important to be fair all the time.

His mum and dad divorced years ago. I've only met his dad a few times and find him obnoxious and quite rude. I see his mum twice a week and love her. She's very supportive, easy to be around, has been to scans and I'm comfortable around her.

She is more than welcome to come round whenever she wants after the baby is born. She will make tea, bring cake and won't bat an eyelid at breastfeeding or that I will be sat in my pj's looking knackered. Dp says though, that his dad has the same right as his mum to be here. I don't think he does. For the first few days breastfeeding is tricky and it takes me a while to get the latch right, and I won't feel comfortable with his dad here. He will also bring his teenage son's with him. I would rather he wait until I feel more comfortable, maybe a few days or a week. Dp has even asked that his dad doesn't find out that his mum has been to the scan, or that she knew about the pregnancy before he did. She kept it quiet for weeks. The second his dad found out he told everyone.

Do you think grandparents should have the same rights and that things have to be fair? I think my comfort comes first.

They really are terrible with boundaries. I like his brothers, they've been round to ours only once, stayed 10 hours, had a rolling around on the floor play fight and generally acted like a pair of kids, they are late teens but act like kids, which was fine for the day, but it won't be fine straight after I've given birth, especially as I will have three under 5 years old to look after. His dad has never bothered coming round. I'm only interesting to him now that I'm pregnant. If he stays true to form, he will bring beer and make inappropriate comments about my boobs. I'm happy to tell him to bugger off but dp doesn't want to make things awkward. He's (fil) so easily offended. Everything is a competition. When dp told him, his first words were 'i hope you told me before your mother'

I think the blunt truth is that I just don't like him. I think he liked me until I put a stop to him using dp like a cash machine and said one of his (recently released from prison and drug using) brothers asked to stay here and I said no - no way was I having him around my children. I've never even met him. So now he thinks I'm stuck up and think myself to good for them. It would be much easier if we pop round there, we could leave when we wanted to then. He would be offended because the chain smoking would need to stop for an hour but tough.

His mum really is great. I'm very lucky to have her.

YANBU. People are treated the way they deserve. If you like someone, you see them more often than someone you don't like much. You have differing degrees of intimacy according to how you feel about someone. If you like one sibling more than another you'll see that sibling more often than the others. Same with parents.

If he behaves respectfully, you wouldn't have a problem, but he doesn't. I'm glad your dh is seeing sense, but be prepared for some more fights as his dad gets to work on him.

Congratulations, btw!

Of course you're not unreasonable. Regardless of how people are related, if it's not someone you will feel comfortable around after you've given birth, don't be around them. As much as they are his family, you will be physically knackered, emotional and establishing breastfeeding. The last thing you need is dealing with extra stress.

Your the one who has gone through pregnancy, will go through birth and the physical and emotional changes after it. It is 100% your day on who visits and when. When he has pushed half a stone of baby out of his vagina or had it cut out of him he can have his dad and whoever the hell else he wants over.

As with many in law threads, I think the problem here lies equally with your DP, who needs to stand up to his dad and tell him where to go. What was his reaction when his dad was rude to you before? What you say about him making comments about your boobs sounds extremely distasteful, not to mention disrespectful.

Dp is quite good to be fair, after I've explained to him exactly why something is rude or disrespectful. He's so used to having just done what is expected of him that sometimes he just doesn't see it. He's called him in the past to say something isn't happening and then had loads of texts about how out of order he is, but he stands firm and totally ignores it until his dad has forgotten about it and moved on. He uses to get stressed about it but now just doesn't engage with it. On the other hand though, he would just let it go - it takes me having to say something to him for him to say something to them. I'm perfectly happy to tell them myself but wisely, dp has avoided that. I probably lack tact and would end up telling him exactly how it is which would be very difficult to come back from.

I don't know OP, your FIL sounds like a bully and I've found with most bullies, if you stand up to them and tell them exactly what you think of their behaviour, then they tend to back down.

YANBU. Your FIL sounds bloody awful and your MIL sounds lovelyl no brainer over who you are more comfortable having around more. It's up to you who you don't mind being there with your boobs out, not your DH. It's not a competition for everything to be 100% equal fgs.

Your FIL sounds like my mil. She too pushed her self in to the delivery suit when sil didn't really want her there and I really had to stand my ground when dd was born as she invited herself there too. It did start the cause of friction between us as I'd dared to go against her.

Stand your ground. Your having major trauma to your body - so you get to decide basically every thing. I told Dh that I would t even tell him I was in labour if he didn't back me up. He had to in the end.

Sounds like your Dh is probally emotionally bullied by his df in some way and is scared of the fall out of upsetting him.

Set your stall out now and stand your ground. Your body, your birth, your recovery.

Good luck.

When he does come by, if he starts making any demands or talking inappropriately, just go off on one and throw him out, those mama hormone will be raging. Just let loose.
No one has any right to be there except you and your Dh. Sounds like he feeds your Dh a load of bull and Dh buys it all.