WIBU unreasonable to go on holiday leaving DH holding the baby?

[Nessalina]

I'm thinking of booking a week's holiday in May to Greece with my Mum (who I don't see much of as she lives 80 miles away!), leaving my DH with our 18 month old boy.
DS is in nursery on the week days and DH will probably go to his mums to visit on the weekend that I'm not there. He's entirely capable of coping with DS solo, but obviously it won't exactly be a picnic for him.
I'm feeling bad because:
A) I've already had 11 nights away from home this year (due to residential work courses) with another 3 nights booked in July for a hen do. DH has had none, though I've made it very clear he's more than welcome to do so.
B) generally non-specific mummy guilt about leaving the boy for a week.

But then work's been hard lately, I'm shattered, and I really want a break and some sun.

AIBU to go???

NB. Further info so as to not drip feed: initially I'd looked for a holiday for the three of us, and found a great looking week in Ibiza for me, DH & DS. But DH wasn't up for it because a) he's not a big fan of holidays abroad full stop, and b)he doesn't think a holiday abroad with DS will be much of a holiday. Further gentle persuasion has yielded no results - a whole family holiday is off the table.

Man wants week long sun holiday leaving wife at home minding small child on her own = "selfish prick"

Woman wants week long sun holiday leaving husband at home minding small child on his own = "you go, girl! Enjoy!"

Mumsnet rationale.

I'm lost. Why is it so terrible for either a mother or father to be left alone with children one week? It's one week! Many parents world over parent full time alone. It's a child not a gremlin your being left with.

I think it's good as makes both parents in equal relationships parent wise often realise what the other does and vis versa. It's good also incase they ever need to be left alone say if the other parent becomes ill and in hospital. It's then not so much of a shock ontop of ill parent/ partner as they know how to care for child alone when needed.

For us Dh and I completely look after children equally. That means that if one has a bath, the other might watch the children and start dinner, or help with homework now or change nappies before. It can be a shock to find for one week you need to have time to multitask everything that was shared. Which means when Dh or I go away for work or leisure it really makes us grateful the other steps up as much as they do.

I take my hat off to single parents who do everything. Dh knows that even if I'm away in New York working, I can still help with food shop online, reminding about x due homework or arranging things, still help kids via Skype etc. And him me

I think if it would make dh unhappy I wouldn't go. Could you not go with you mum for a long weekend, and then do a long weekend with dh as I agree with a pp who said it sounds like the two of you need some time together too.

If your DH genuinely doesn't mind then I would go. 18 months is really a toddler. But I think you should offer a reciprocated week (or even weekend) away for DH.

sorry, just seen your comment that DH would rather stay at home on his own. Could you agree to take DS away for a couple of long weekends as a quid pro quo

I'm torn here.

It does seem like you spend a lot of your time parenting separately when you should be spending time together as a family.

My DH has just been abroad for 8 days (with work) leaving me with our 22 month old son and it was hard work. What upset me more though was my son's reaction to his dad not being there as he couldn't understand where he'd gone. He would ask for him all the time and anytime he heard someone knock on the front door or walk in the front door he'd call out, "dad, dad" all excitedly but his smile soon turned to upset when he realised it wasn't his dad. It was heart breaking.

I absolutely agree a holiday abroad with a toddler probably wouldn't be a holiday at all do this year me and DH are going to CenterParcs because that's what suits DS best - we would never even consider taking separate holidays just so one of us could go abroad.

However, that's just how our family is and I totally accept that different families work in different ways. You have years ahead of you for beach holidays but whilst your child is so young I think focusing on family holidays as a family unit is important, as is spending quality time together as a family in general.

I'm lost. Why is it so terrible for either a mother or father to be left alone with children one week? It's one week! Many parents world over parent full time alone. It's a child not a gremlin your being left with.

I don't think it's bad. I think it's hard work especially if you are working too. However I also think both parents should get a say.

I have to say that wouldn't work in my relationship given you've already had 11 nights with work and 3 more due. That's from mine or dp's point of view. I'd be especially pissed at the using up of annual leave so frivolously tbh.

I think a week is too long without and reciprocation and I agree that actually, no, you're not especially deserving of a week of relaxing when your dc are so small and your partner is baring the brunt. Offering to shorten your beach holiday to a weekend and taking your ds away for the same length of time to allow your dh some proper downtime in lieu of a holiday would drastically change my opinion.

I also think your DP needs to recognise the value of a holiday for all three of you, even if it's not particularly relaxing.

All of that is just my opinion and only you know what will actually work in your relationship, I do think you'll go anyway, but I also think there's but of you that knows you're unreasonable or you wouldn't have posted the question.

I'm just back from a week long work trip and missed my 19 month old hugely. It was almost painful. We are all different of course, but I wouldn't find a week away from my toddler relaxing. I also think family time should be a priority and holidays are a rare opportunity to spend a chunk of time together.

I'm a bit on the fence. I understand where you are coming from but I think YABU really. Your DH is not keen so for me that would be a no. If I was leaving DS it would have to be more of a mutual decision than DH 'won't ask me not to'. It doesn't seem fair to me. I think focusing on some trips away as a family in the UK and your weekend away with DH would be a better priority for your family. You could also take your DS. I am afraid I don't think it is reasonable to expect 8-10 hrs a day break now that you are a parent. It might not be completely relaxing in the same way but you could have a wonderful holiday with DS and your DM. In my experience part of parenting is learning to relax in different ways rather than striving for parts of your life. It's not those things can't happen but think about enjoying new ways to holiday.

A full week is longer than I'd leave the other parent in sole care of an 18 month old if they'd rather I didn't, although unlike your DH I'd come out and say so. I can quite see why you don't want to take DS away minus DH for a week though. He's just the right age to be a complete pain in the arse.

As much as my kids are hard work, I couldn't enjoy myself on holiday without them. But that's me.

You have been away quite a bit with work as well. Could you not go for a long weekend instead or take toddler with you, my wee ones love the pool.

But what concerns me most of all is your husband not wanting to go on holiday. Would he go somewhere here for a weekend? My DH works odd and long hours and hardly sees the kids during the week. But we set aside one day at weekend or at least a goof few hours to spend time together or go out. And we try and take 2-3 short uk breaks and 1 holiday away a year as we really need that family time. You really need to spend time as a family rather than parenting in shifts.

You absolutely shouldn't go unless your dh is genuinely OK with it. And he isn't.

Hugely selfish to go when he's made it clear he doesn't want you to.

Have a few days away with your mum and another time go away for another few days taking dc with you so your dh gets a break too.

Why doesn't your DH want a UK family holiday if he won't go abroad?

I think only you can know really whether it's a fair ask. Your DS is 18 months. I would be looking to broadly accrue the same sort of 'time off' as my DP so I would probably have been keeping a mental tally of the last 18 months.

If my work necessitated being away I would also take that into consideration, in that I would try not to have a holiday too close to being away for work. After all, although it's different for you, your DH experiences both the same in terms of having to look after your DS.

On the face of your first post I would prob say YABU. But you have also mentioned taking your DS away for a week last year without your DH and him having one weekend in 4 to himself when you take your DS to your family? So there is also the overall balance to take into consideration.

Suggestions:
Given that your DH doesn't want you to go, what about doing a Mon-Fri holiday so you can be around for the weekend when your DS is at home?
Arrange a holiday abroad for you, DS and your mum where there is childcare (holiday club) so you can still have a chunk of your day to yourself.

Also, and this is not meant to sound sanctimonious so apols if it does, I think, in addition to your shift parenting holidays/ time away, you should have a think about creating family holidays with the three of you. Yes, they are very different to childfree ones esp when the child is still little and requires constant supervision etc, but three is your family unit now and it would be good for all of you to figure out how to have a holiday as a unit. There will be lots of compromises but you will also be building up memories for you and your child of holidays together.

One suggestion is something like one of those mega child-friendly but stylish hotels in Cornwall which provide childcare and seem to cater for both adults' and children's needs superbly.

Hmm. Uncomfy fence this.
You obviously want a 'holiday' in the conventional sense - sun and sand abroad - and that's fine and reasonable. Your dh is right that taking an 18mo on that kind of trip wouldn't, in all likelihood, be much of a 'holiday'. And he doesn't fancy going (or a family holiday at all?) so part of me is thinking 'why not?'

The other part, however, is agreeing with PPs that you have already been away a lot (work is one thing but the hen do another) and your dh isn't hugely happy. I wouldn't have wanted a holiday without dc at that age (or ever tbh, although I have been away for work and had weekends away with friends without dc - but an actual holiday is different and, for me, belongs to the family). How about you look for a UK holiday to suit you all? Or does your dh simply not want to go away at all?

That said, if you are going to do separate holidays now is possibly the time - when your dc get older and start retaining conscious memories it will be important then to spend some time away as a family. (We have always taken the dc away on our own as well as having family time away - the exigencies of work and limited family leave - but never been away on holiday on our own without dc).

limited annual, not family leave. Family on the brain.

OP if you are struggling to decide whether to go just with your mum or not to go at all, consider if you were to go would that set a pattern for the future and would that cause problems? IMO if you are tired a holiday is going to be a short term fix and the benefits will soon disapate. Is there any way you can build into your lifestyle some relaxation at home the three of you can enjoy after this holiday?

Hmm, tricky, but I think on the whole, YANBU.

You are facilitating your DH's desire for the kind of down time that he likes, by taking DS to your parents about once a month. So it seems fair enough that in exchange for those 24 (?) days, you could reasonably expect to get a week of the sort of down time you like.

He refuses to go on holiday abroad with the family, which means you don't get a holiday abroad at all, unless you go with someone else.

So, I guess his agreement to you going, does take these factors on board. He is a bit reluctant, but sees it as reasonable.

What holidays did you take before you had your DS? Were they usually separate, as well? Do you get to spend any time as a family, doing something you all enjoy?

I wouldn't but that is because I hate missing bed time and miss ds too much. I went away with some friends last year on a spa thing for 3 nights and it was the first and only time I have not been with ds overnight. He was 3 then. I will go again this year but I would not do it for a week.
I dont think yabu if your dh is ok with it (mine would be perfectly happy if i did). I just think a week is too long for me and ds.

My DH would be more than happy to look after the DCs but then we both go away for a separate 4/5 day holiday each year. We also have plenty of family breaks too so we get time with the DCs.

I would not expect him to take the DCs with him on holiday as it's much easier to have them at home, I think your DP is unreasonable as you would happily have a family holiday.