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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU unreasonable to go on holiday leaving DH holding the baby?

71 replies

Nessalina · 11/03/2016 18:53

I'm thinking of booking a week's holiday in May to Greece with my Mum (who I don't see much of as she lives 80 miles away!), leaving my DH with our 18 month old boy.
DS is in nursery on the week days and DH will probably go to his mums to visit on the weekend that I'm not there. He's entirely capable of coping with DS solo, but obviously it won't exactly be a picnic for him.
I'm feeling bad because:
A) I've already had 11 nights away from home this year (due to residential work courses) with another 3 nights booked in July for a hen do. DH has had none, though I've made it very clear he's more than welcome to do so.
B) generally non-specific mummy guilt about leaving the boy for a week.

But then work's been hard lately, I'm shattered, and I really want a break and some sun.

AIBU to go???

NB. Further info so as to not drip feed: initially I'd looked for a holiday for the three of us, and found a great looking week in Ibiza for me, DH & DS. But DH wasn't up for it because a) he's not a big fan of holidays abroad full stop, and b)he doesn't think a holiday abroad with DS will be much of a holiday. Further gentle persuasion has yielded no results - a whole family holiday is off the table.

OP posts:

Fanfeck · 11/03/2016 20:25

Well each to their own but I simply couldn't enjoy being away from dh or dc for such a long time and DD wouldn't cope without me, relying solely on her other equal parent, imagine!!

Go, have a ball!

VimFuego101 · 11/03/2016 20:26

You say your DH isn't in to family holidays... it's not fair to expect you and DS to just accept that you won't ever get to go on holiday, so YANBU. If he doesn't want to go away with you, he has to accept that there will be times when you go away either by yourself (and he minds DS) or you and DS go away together (leaving him home alone).

WhetherOrNot · 11/03/2016 21:09

I would take ds with me! Bet the others would just LOVE that if they are going for a relaxing break!!

Jw35 · 11/03/2016 21:12

I thought it was just the op and her mother? What others?

cornishglos · 11/03/2016 21:15

I also wouldn't want to spend my time off away from my dc so it's hard to say if YABU or not.

Original poster

Nessalina · 12/03/2016 00:50

Thanks for the replies everyone! Sorry for disappearing, I put my head on the pillow for 5mins and woke up 5hrs later - I really do need a holiday!
I have spoken to DH about it, and he'd definitely prefer me not to go, but won't ask me not to, because he knows that going with him would is my preference, but he doesn't want to do that
Me taking DS with us would be his ideal option, and I have seriously considered it, but like I said, I'd really like a break myself, and if we do that it's DH that gets the break, not me! Me and my mum did a week in Greece last year with DS and it was a lovely trip, but with him toddling now it wouldn't be the sort of holiday I was hoping for if he comes... Essentially I want 8-10hrs per day sat by a pool devouring a book a day without any interruptions, and whilst I do love his company, that isn't going to happen with DS about!
I really just wish DH would want to go away himself, so I could hold my end up and have solo DS time in return, but I don't want to never go away again just because he doesn't fancy a trip himself. And he realises that I think.

OP posts:

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 12/03/2016 01:02

If you want 8-10 hours a day all to yourself then maybe you should have thought about that before gaining a partner and child. Priority should be them and doing something that suits you all.

Strokethefurrywall · 12/03/2016 01:23

Oh pipe down AutumnLeavesArePretty - what so nobody is allowed to ask for a day to themselves without the pressures of being a wife and mother ever because they chose to get married and have kids?! utter bollocks!

OP if your DH is fine then go ahead! It will be a lovely time for DH and your little one, and you'll get to relax, soak up the sun, read the book, drink some cocktails and wake up late. It's worth it, do it!

Original poster

Nessalina · 12/03/2016 01:29

Congratulations Autumn, you're officially my first ODFOD
Believe it or not, despite having dared to marry and bear child, I still need a little and it is a very little me time every now and again!

OP posts:

ShadowsCollideIsSurroundedByAd · 12/03/2016 01:30

Seriously, Autumn? The OP's DP clearly isn't prioritising doing something that suits them all, by refusing to go on the family holiday that Nessa wants.

'If you want 8-10 hours a day all to yourself then maybe you should have thought about that before gaining a partner and child'. What? So once a woman becomes a mother, they aren't entitled to want any time to themselves? Don't be silly.

Nessa, go, and enjoy it. I love going on holiday with just my Mum. Lots of lovely relaxation, food and wine. If your DP refuses to go on holiday then that's his lookout.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2016 01:37

If you want 8-10 hours a day all to yourself then maybe you should have thought about that before gaining a partner and child. Priority should be them and doing something that suits you all.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2016 01:37

No one wants 8-10 hours a day to themselves until they have kids btw.

Lalathelastdinosaur · 12/03/2016 01:47

No one wants 8-10 hours a day to themselves until they have kids btw.

^This!
^
Autumn wow, so no one is allowed to want time to themselves or away once they have a partner and/or child? I certainly do! I adore my baby son but I would love time to be able to read one of the magazines accumulating on the shelf from my subscription since I had him. I barely get half an hour to myself these days. Not complaining, but it would be a luxury certainly to have a little me time.

Nessa if he doesn't want a holiday perhaps instead he could go on a couple of nights out with his mates, or pick something else he'd like to do instead, if that evens it up a bit?

Original poster

Nessalina · 12/03/2016 01:56

Lala I wish he would, but he's not really a social butterfly. His idea of the perfect holiday is being in our house, on his own, surfing Netflix and doing some recreational computer programming. He's an adorable nerd that way. I try to go for a weekend to my mum & dad's with DS at least once a month to give him that privilege!
He also takes DS to his mum's for long weekends on occasion so I get some house time.
So far parenting seems to be mainly shift work

OP posts:

Moopsboopsmum · 12/03/2016 02:08

After that last post, if I were you OP, I would be prioritising spending time alone with your DH while your mum has your DS. I didn't do this and my DH is about to become an exDH. But we all do things differently.

PastaLaFeasta · 12/03/2016 02:10

YANBU but beware you may end up missing your DC a lot and feeling pretty miserable. I did a few days with a friend and was ok but it was an activity trip and very short so lots of distraction. I visited a friend for a weekend in the UK more recently and felt a little lost, it was like having a part of myself missing, next time I took my eldest and it was much better. I'd love a holiday without the kids but just can't do it - does this feeling ease when they get to a certain age? And if I left them with anyone but DH I'd be too anxious to enjoy it.

3boys3dogshelp · 12/03/2016 02:12

I don't understand why you are leaving DS behind and I have to say I agree with your DH, sorry Op.
From what you've said here if you don't take DS he won't get a holiday as your DH doesn't want to go later in the year either. As a mum with 2 kids now in school and no term time holidays allowed I wish I'd made the most of opportunities with them as toddlers.
It sounds like you've already had a fair bit of adult time over the last few months albeit some of it through work (doesn't make it easier for your DH to mind him through).
If you go with your mum that's 2 adults to look after 1 toddler, same as if you'd taken him with your DH. I know you won't be able to expect quite so much downtime but between naps and your mum helping you you should get some time for relaxation.
Having a family isn't supposed to be shift work, I'm not saying have no time to yourself but surely the majority of the time you want to do stuff together? Can you not find a way to pull together so that everyone has some fun?

Original poster

Nessalina · 12/03/2016 02:20

I hear you moops - DS hasn't had a night without one of us since he was born, so after realising a family holiday was off the table, I asked my folks if they could have him overnight in the summer so me and DH could have a night away, and they've agreed to do three nights so we can have an actual break together somewhere!! Now that will be fun, but I'll be way more nervous leaving him without either parent, even though my folks are great with him.

OP posts:

cornishglos · 12/03/2016 04:09

So you have had time away with work; your dh takes your ds away for long weekends; your parents are having your ds for 3 nights; your mum is coming on holiday with you, meaning you really would have lots of help and downtime on holiday; your dh doesn't want you to go, and you still want to leave your ds for a week? I'm afraid to me it does look like YABU. And I don't really understand why you need more time away from your child.

Jenijena · 12/03/2016 04:22

I'm a tentative YABU, I'm afraid. But I also think your OH is BU.

There will be years in the future I bloody well hope of crash out do nothing holidays.

I think I'd say you both need to prioritise family holidays - if you're shift parenting, when do you get to spend time as a family?

You want to lie uninterrupted by a pool, he wants to geek out on a computer. These are both positions I've been in before. But you had a child together and he might really really enjoy a holiday. That downtime as a family, when there aren't the usual responsibilities of being at home to do, is really important, IMO, if you can afford it.

Doesn't stop you doing something for a long weekend with your mum, but a whole week of AL?

OhShutUpThomas · 12/03/2016 05:36

If you want 8-10 hours a day all to yourself then maybe you should have thought about that before gaining a partner and child.

Oh fuck off.

There's nothing at all wrong with going away for a week without your child. If it was the father doing it no one would bat an eyelid.

Kcat78 · 12/03/2016 05:44

Could you do a shorter break to somewhere slightly closer instead? Maybe 3 nights in Spain so you still get a relaxing holiday but don't need to leave DH with DS for a whole week?

Jengnr · 12/03/2016 05:47

YANBU at all but if he would prefer you not to could you shorten the time? I went to Spain for four days when my baby was three months old and it was great. A week might have meant missing them too much.

curren · 12/03/2016 05:54

From my PoV Yabu. But then I am one of these people that wouldn't go on holiday without her kids and dh. Odd night or weekend away, but not for a full week.

Tbh it sounds like you do get plenty of time away as well.

Your dh bu rule out a family holiday. But I think Yabu going away for a whole week when he isn't that keen on it. I would say the same if you were posting that he wants to go away for a whole week too.

Artandco · 12/03/2016 05:57

Just go. Child is 18 months and your Dh doesn't want to join on the holiday. All will be perfectly fine

Dh and I love our children 100%. But they and us still spend time apart. Have done since they were 6 months old. Dh and I work abroad a lot and most of the time they travel the world with us, other times they stay with one of us and the other travels alone. Other times they go to grandparents and Dh and I sometimes holiday ( not even working) alone.

This year they will spend 1 week with grandparents in London over Easter, 2 weeks with grandparents in Greece over summer holidays, plus a few weekends between now and Xmas. All just them and not Dh or I. In comparison they have on average 15-20 return flights a year with Dh or I ( some whilst we work, others for fun. Some 24hr trips, others 3 weeks long)

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