To ignore my 90 year old nan's wishes?

[GlitteryShoes]

Long - to avoid drip feeding

I have been NC with my dad for about 10 years, with only rare contact before this. He divorced my mum when I was 8 and I have never really had a relationship with him since then.

My main reasons for going NC were:

• the first time he visited his grandson, ( when he was 1), I was in the middle of my uni finals and I hadn't washed up for 3 days. Instead of helping out he called Social Services

-when my mum died (I am an only child), he didn't even call to see if I was Ok, despite our extended family asking him to

• he blocked me on Facebook which I thought was very immature

• there is of course more, but those are the most recent things

I don't really have much to do with the Extended family as I don't want to cause any difficulties or awkwardness.

Anyway, his mum, my Nan, has phoned to say she is having a 90th birthday party and she wants her whole family there. I cannot bear the thought of him near my children ( who he has met a couple of times and who don't remember him), especially as he would be very chummy with them ( for 5 minutes). I really don't want any drama, or to spoil the party, but if we don't go, I will be seen as the baddie, which shouldn't bother me, but it does!

I'm really unsure about what to do. My cousins and aunts and uncles would all be lovely if we go, but the thought of it is just horrible.
What should I do?

Oh, but you are on holiday that week and you booked it last year so you cant make it.

You will of course send a lovely card and gift to make up for it, but given that you have paid in advance, you really cant afford to cancel can you?

YWBU to just not go. YWNBU to make a cast iron excuse as to why you cant go.

Avoid. If she asks why, tell her that your father is a cunt and you'd rather not subject your children to his presence for the sake of a whiny 90 year old who should know better. Job's a good 'un.

No. Don't go. I've got a bellend for a 'father' too and your family will just have to put up with this one disappointment. You've put up with him disappointing you all your life

I usually think people should put themselves out for special occasions but not in this case. It doesn't sound like your Nan has been close or supportive and it will be a terrible day for you.

Just say you can't make it and will go another weekend or say you're going and then at the last minute someone is ill that means you can't make it after all.

"I would say you're going and then something comes up on the day which means you can't make it after all."

That's just petty and mean. Just say you can't go, end of.

I was in the process of typing out a healthy reasonable post on pouring oil on troubled waters. But the only "troubled waters" are on your side of the shore. I then read some more of your posts, and I thought f* it. Facebook contact with rels - really? A father whose indifference to his gc sucks. You even have the expense of a hotel! What is that all about? Can't one of your rels put you all up? Too much emotional/financial expense expected from you. Mahoosively unbalanced.

At the end of the day it's up to you. But me, . They dont deserve your consideration.

Thanks for all your responses. I had a sleepless night thinking about it. I have decided not to go, but to offer to go down on a different weekend to see Nan and maybe take her out.

The main reasons are that I know my dad won't give it a second thought - he is the most emotionally available person I know. So while I would be dreading it for weeks, he would just turn up and have a good time.
Also, I think it probably is too much for my son at the moment. He is recovering from a head injury, and gets very tired, forgetful and stressed. He has 2 massive plaster casts and has no clothes he can wear to a party ( he is currently living in sweatshirts I have cut and velcroed like strippers have! I think my family would be overwhelming for him, and he can be quite irritable ( due to his head injury).
It's not going to ruin her day. She has hundreds of relatives who will be there.

If I go and try to dodge my dad, he is very likely to make a drama from it. It's my nan's day, not ours.

I'm quite tempted to print this off and post it to him, but he really wouldn't give a damn.
Thanks so much for all your input. It's really helped me think about all the different angles.

Good decision, OP. Hope your son recovers soon.

Suck it up and go. One day won't kill you. Fake it.

I think you've made the right decision for you and your children.

Glittery,

You've got enough on your plate if your most recent post is anything to go by. You could arrange a lovely bouquet for your nan on her big day. Your Ds will get better. You won't be under pressure to deal with emotional uncertainties. Win win for you.

Good decision. I don't think you have to cause yourself and your children angst for the sake of a party. If your Nan really wants to see you and the children, she can - but it's not that, it's that she wants 'everyone' at her party. You'll just be extras in a showpiece, and none of you should be anguished for the sake of that.

Yoksha we all know what those asterisks mean, you know.

Good decision OP. Now don't go letting your relatives go making you feel guilty. Remember the motto - Never apologise, never explain.

You're doing the right thing. I'm sure this has been a stressful time for you with your son's injury and all. The last thing you need is to subject yourself to more stress and unpleasantness.

Thanks. He has just been told he has nerve damage in his dominant hand and wrist and needs more surgery next week so that is taking priority now :(

don't go

I had a very similar situation, I went and I've regretted every since.

don't go. Why is what she wants more important than what you want for yourself and your children?

(ps - the answer is, it isn't :-))

I think you've made the right decision

Good decision op.

Hope the op goes well and he makes a speedy recovery. I second a visit to your Nan at a later date and a delayed treat/outing then when you are feeling less fragile and your son can support you and his sister.

I have a similar situation with my dad, I wouldn't go and apologise profusely and arrange a nice treat for just you and your nan together. While it might initially disappoint her it is not worth introducing a toxic person back into your life

You've made the right decision. I do hope your ds makes good recovery.

Well done for making the right a sensible decision.

Any flak comes your way on Facebook - you know what to do

I think you've made the right decision too. Many MN posters have an absolutely ridiculous view that a big party comes before everything else. It doesn't. If it's important to your Nan to see you, then she can see you and your DC separately. If she just wants a big crowd at her party, then let others supply it. You don't have to put yourself and your DC through facing an abuser for the sake of a party. That in itself is abusive.