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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore my 90 year old nan's wishes?

75 replies

GlitteryShoes · 10/03/2016 21:03

Long - to avoid drip feeding

I have been NC with my dad for about 10 years, with only rare contact before this. He divorced my mum when I was 8 and I have never really had a relationship with him since then.

My main reasons for going NC were:

  • the first time he visited his grandson, ( when he was 1), I was in the middle of my uni finals and I hadn't washed up for 3 days. Instead of helping out he called Social Services
-when my mum died (I am an only child), he didn't even call to see if I was Ok, despite our extended family asking him to
  • he blocked me on Facebook which I thought was very immature
  • there is of course more, but those are the most recent things

I don't really have much to do with the Extended family as I don't want to cause any difficulties or awkwardness.

Anyway, his mum, my Nan, has phoned to say she is having a 90th birthday party and she wants her whole family there. I cannot bear the thought of him near my children ( who he has met a couple of times and who don't remember him), especially as he would be very chummy with them ( for 5 minutes). I really don't want any drama, or to spoil the party, but if we don't go, I will be seen as the baddie, which shouldn't bother me, but it does!

I'm really unsure about what to do. My cousins and aunts and uncles would all be lovely if we go, but the thought of it is just horrible.
What should I do?

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 10/03/2016 22:10

I wouldn't go
Do a separate visit and you will have more quality time anyway.

Original poster
GlitteryShoes · 10/03/2016 22:11

No need for a whip round - my dad had bought my mum an ornament which she hated. I dutifully sold it on eBay and made enough money to deliver a ton of manure!! (My DH has stopped me doing it because he doesn't want me to be arrested).

It is universally accepted that he was a shitty father, but I wouldn't say there was much support for me growing up as the family hated my mum. I probably wouldn't be in contact with the family if it wasn't for Facebook.

My nan is one of those matriarchal controlling types. I admire her in many ways but there is a lot of family duty on that side of the family.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/03/2016 22:14

Avoid, avoid, avoid!!!

Oh and yes get the manure delivered whilst he is away, how could you not honour your mum's wish Wink

springscoming · 10/03/2016 22:15

Definitely don't go then. Contolling types of either sex need to get far less of their own way Smile

Owllady · 10/03/2016 22:16

I wouldn't go
I'm a bit depressed atm, so maybe not the best to be dishing out advice but I am nc with my dad and have a degree similar age to yours with severe disabilities and I'd be concerned about how vulnerable she is v how manipulative he is

iwantbrewstersmillions · 10/03/2016 22:17

I don't think you should feel an obligation because it's your Gran. Especially as it sounds like you aren't that close to her.

Owllady · 10/03/2016 22:17

Not a degree a dd
I do have a degree as well though, jot sure if it's similar to yours or not :o

Slarti · 10/03/2016 22:22

Your nan is an adult who will survive if you and your children can't make it to this one family event.

She is also old enough to know that you cannot force people to get on or be friends.

In short, don't go. Go some time before or later to celebrate, but give the party a miss.

This. All this bollocks about "it's nan's day, you have to go"... fuck that.

FlyingRussianUnicorn · 10/03/2016 22:24

I'd at least go for a drink. And see how it goes- if it gets too much you can leave and tell your Nan you will be around another time to cook her dinner and have a proper catch up. That way you can't be blamed for at least trying.

FlyingRussianUnicorn · 10/03/2016 22:26

Ultimately though OP it is up to you. I have avoided family functions in the past much to my parents distaste because I just don't see the point in going and celebrating something for a family member I dislike. You know yourself when it just isn't worth it despite what other people say! So don't let anybody guilt trip you- if your extended family want to see you they will make the effort to do something else.

GloopyGhoul · 10/03/2016 22:30

You absolutely do NOT have to go! It will make you unhappier than your nan happy, so why bother?

emilybrontescorset · 10/03/2016 22:55

No don't go. It's too far away just to pop in then leave.

Arrange to see your nan another time.

HexU · 10/03/2016 22:58

I'd at least go for a drink. And see how it goes- if it gets too much you can leave and tell your

If it was round the corner well then yes but several hundred miles and a hotel room seems a bit much.

Send a really nice gift see Nan another weekend or be unfortunately busy that weekend.

modzy78 · 10/03/2016 22:59

Your son has a head injury and broken bones? And you're going to travel hundreds of miles with him? That alone is a good enough reason to bow out of the event.

GinBunny · 10/03/2016 23:00

I wouldn't go if I was in your shoes. I am NC with my sibling and know how difficult a decision that is. The emotional fall out for you is bigger than her happiness control so why put yourself through it?

My DF's dying wish was for me to reconcile with my sibling and even though I knew it was just words that would make him happy I couldn't do it.
It's your life and you've worked hard on your own without her support so do what is best for you. You don't owe her anything really do you?

EveOnline2016 · 10/03/2016 23:03

I know I would go, because it was for my nan.

I wouldn't want to punish her for others behaviour

liquidrevolution · 10/03/2016 23:09

Dont go. I wouldnt. She should understand and if she doesn't then she is not worth bothering about.

If you were close to her I would have a different opinion but its seems you are not so don't put your daughter through something she won't enjoy.

limitedperiodonly · 10/03/2016 23:10

If you don't want to go, don't.

My mum was a bit like your nan - less of a controller and more of a wishful thinker with a bit of emotional blackmail thrown in. I loved her more than anything. But it still doesn't make it all right. But people get like that at the end of their lives. Ignore them.

BTW when I first read your OP I thought you hadn't washed in three days. I tutted. I wouldn't have called social services but I thought that was quite bad.

I re-read it and realised you hadn't washed up in three days. I've done that, and in a much less stressful period in my life than you were having. So I'm sorry for judging you Grin

Momamum · 10/03/2016 23:12

I'd have no hesitation for delaying your family birthday trip to see your nan until your son's healed enough to make the journey and be able to enjoy the occasion. Plus, of course, that your daughter will be overwhelmed by so many people.

This your nan will surely understand, well unless she's ga-ga, in which case it doesn't really matter, does it? Grin

Seriously, in your position I'd ring her, excuse yourself, regretfully, for not being able to be there on the day itself, but that you look forward to having a second birthday celebration, your treat, with her when your own family are in a better position to enjoy it too.

And then, of course, get flowers delivered.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2016 23:34

My nan is one of those matriarchal controlling types. I admire her in many ways but there is a lot of family duty on that side of the family.

So it sounds as if you'd be going out of guilt and duty rather than love and joy. If that's the case, I wouldn't go. There's no 'rule' that says you must put yourself in the same room with a neglectful, abusive arse just because your grandmother wants to please her own ego.

CrazyMary · 10/03/2016 23:39

Yabu, it is not about you. It is her birthday, she has expressed her wish to have her whole family there, that includes her son (your Dad)

HeddaGarbled · 10/03/2016 23:47

I wouldn't go. He reported you to Social Services? Vicious bastard. Facebook blocking is trivial. Not phoning you after your mum died is thoughtless. But your own father reporting you to Social Services when you were struggling is evil.

Decline and tell them exactly why.

ClarenceTheLion · 10/03/2016 23:59

Of course you don't have to go! And particularly in light of the further information you gave.

Send some nice flowers to arrive that morning, and offer to take her out for a private celebration. And explain that her son is too toxic for you to be in his company. If she can still bitch about you after that it reflects on her, not you.

ClarenceTheLion · 11/03/2016 00:01

Yabu, it is not about you. It is her birthday

Someone else's birthday is not about her either. Since when do we get to force people to do things they don't want to because it's the day our mothers gave birth to us? It's not a perk I'm aware of.

limitedperiodonly · 11/03/2016 00:13

I prefer to think that people like CrazyMary don't know what they are talking about in these situations.

In your nan's 90 years she will have weathered many disappointments, OP. Let this be another one.