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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to go out every once and a while?

43 replies

murmuration · 10/03/2016 19:29

Argh! DH is still here. He was supposed to leave for his hobby meeting at 6:30pm! He asked if he should still go and I said yes, and yet he's just lain down on the couch.

He's meant to go to this thing every week, but hasn't been for months as he feels too ill. He was supposed to go away all weekend a few weeks ago, but felt bad.

He's got CFS/ME, so I understand the feeling bad bit, but I'd really just like a little time to myself (with DD). I work FT, with people all day, and come home, and he's here all the time.

Is it unreasonable to want just a little time in my own home without someone around? I'm an introvert, and I'd really like some alone time to get some rest (at the moment, I don't care if 4yo DD is here or not - I'd just like to not have to deal with another adult).

(BTW, I have CFS/ME too, just not as bad, so it is very difficult for me to 'go out' and get alone time - that just exhausts me, instead of being restful.)

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 10/03/2016 19:30

I completely understand, my DH rarely does anything in the week but he's away with work a couple of nights this week and I love having some time to myself!!

Candycoco · 10/03/2016 19:31

Sounds difficult if you need some time to yourself, could you go out instead for a walk or something to have some space?

Katenka · 10/03/2016 19:32

He probably doesn't want to go. Yabu to make him go somewhere he doesn't want to, to have the house to yourself.

But I do get it. Dh used to work shifts. When he swopped to just 9-5 it was torture at first. I love him to bits but also like my own company. Was quite happy with evenings in with dd and settling down after she was in bed. I really liked it.

It was really hard at first but I got used to it eventually.

So while I think Yabu, I feel your pain and felt the same. I just wanted to shout 'will you piss off' everytime he interrupted me reading Grin

namechangeforthis2016 · 10/03/2016 19:39

I get you want some one on one time with your DD- but instead of making him go somewhere when he feels too ill to go (and I know the feeling) can't you take your DD out somewhere? Cinema? Out for tea?

Original poster
murmuration · 10/03/2016 19:41

Well, I can't go out for a walk at night :) And as I said, that just exhausts me. And I can't do anything like that during the day, really, as I need to get home to take over taking care of DD.

But he does want to go. He just feels too bad. Or can't get up the initial motiviation, or something.

Fuck it. He's now super grumpy. He's barely eaten any food, and I've managed to get him something to eat.

I've been very ill myself for the last four months (yes, I know, that's a long time), and haven't been keeping up with the dinner making and such things. Tonight he had a leftover half slice of pizza, and that was it! No wonder he feels terrible. But even normally he gets himself dinner on his hobby nights, as DD and I have our own leisurely dinner together after he's left.

OP posts:
Original poster
murmuration · 10/03/2016 19:42

But I already go out myself when I feel like shit - I go to work, and it is just a bit more than I am capable of with my own illness. Me taking DD out would just make my life even worse, as I'd be even more exhausted.

OP posts:
Original poster
murmuration · 10/03/2016 19:43

I just feel near tears. I am so, so, so exhausted. I fully expected him to go out tonight and to get a little alone time. He got dressed and everything.

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 10/03/2016 19:46

Could you have a bath with a book? Get away from him withou going out?

anyoldname76 · 10/03/2016 19:52

my dh never goes out either, if i need time alone, i have a bath and watch a film in bed.

caravanista · 10/03/2016 19:54

I really sympathise. I used to love being home by myself when my DH worked shifts. Now we're both retired we make sure we both get time to ourselves at home, and I really treasure it. Can you explain to him how you feel? Is there something less strenuous he could do that would still give you some time to yourself?

Original poster
murmuration · 10/03/2016 19:58

I was about to reply that, yes, I'll have a bath after DD goes to bed, and then just remembered the water went out a few hours ago!!!

His evening was unsettled just by that - he intended to take a shower before going out and discovered the lack of water.

And he's always in the main living spaces. He has an office for his home business, but for some reason (actually, because his office is so messy he can't work in there and he doesn't have the energy to clean it) he does all his work in the living room. So he is always around me when I'm at home, unless I am in the bath! (Our bedroom opens on to the living room, so it's still pretty near even if I were to escape into there.)

OP posts:
Original poster
murmuration · 10/03/2016 20:01

Oh, I was about to reply that his thing wasn't too strenuous - he just drives 5 minutes to the next town and sits around a table with his mates playing a game. But then I remembered that the stupid construction next to our house means it's a 40 minute drive instead of a 5 minute one, as he has to go the otherway through several more towns. Which makes me a bit more sympathetic to his plight - it is a big outlay to go out.

But also a bit pissed off that he didn't start getting ready to leave appropriately earlier, becuase I know that there was water at 6pm, as I was using it, and he would have been able to shower if he planned to leave at the right time to get there as he normally does.

OP posts:
tibbawyrots · 10/03/2016 20:03

I can totally understand how you feel. It is difficult. My ex worked shifts so if he wasn't at work, he was in bed, so my evenings were me, my book and the remote. All to me.

My OH is retired and likes to check where I am, constantly do I want a cuppa, whats on tv tonight, what did we say for lunch today until I'm climbing the walls in frustration. Especially when he says, he's going out and then faffs around going "I'll just do xyz before I go" (eating into MY alone time) until I could scream at him to just fuck off out of it.

I have stood in the front lounge doing huge V signs at the wall silently screaming "fuck off! fuck off! " while he's in the kitchen reorganising the pasta cupboard or something equally important.

I love solitude. :)

BillSykesDog · 10/03/2016 20:21

YABU. He's ill. Go to another room and read a book or something.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/03/2016 20:23

Eh? Don't be so unreasonable op.

beardsrock · 10/03/2016 20:26

I get it.

DH doesn't have a hobby, and I encourage him to get one so I can have some peace.

I don't really have a hobby and rarely go out but that's not the point

beardsrock · 10/03/2016 20:27

'I have stood in the front lounge doing huge V signs at the wall silently screaming "fuck off! fuck off! " while he's in the kitchen reorganising the pasta cupboard or something equally important. '

Grin
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/03/2016 20:28

I assume he works? Well maybe he'd like to spend the evenings in his home

Original poster
murmuration · 10/03/2016 20:30

It's not just this night, though. I now think I am being U about tonight, now that I remember about the missing shower and the long drive even though it wouldn't have been a missing shower if he'd planned for the long drive.

It can't be good for him to never do anything, can it? I feel like he's been getting depressed lately, and I know he comes back happier when he does go out. But he just doesn't manage his energy and hasn't seen his friends for months.

OP posts:
Original poster
murmuration · 10/03/2016 20:33

He spends all day in his home! He looks after DD when I'm at work. He has a home business which is just getting started, but as I said, he does all the work for that out in the living spaces - mostly when I'm home, because it is hard to do while looking after DD.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 10/03/2016 20:36

I have CFS, a lot worse than both of you, I'm only going out for hospital appointments and I'm in terrible pain, afterwards.

Is he in decline? If he is, you probably know that it's important to address it as soon as possible.

When you say he isn't making enough of his energy, has he stopped using the coping strategies and 'chunking' as recommended?

Tywinlannister · 10/03/2016 20:38

I think my DH might have the same hobby from what you've said. Does it involve painting as well? Sometimes he just sits at the table quietly and does this and it feels the same as not having him here. I do love it when he goes out to play too though.

RudeElf · 10/03/2016 20:41

Wow! You want him to fuck off so you can have alone time (in his home too!) yet you arent willing to go out yourself?

YABU.

Comeonmommy · 10/03/2016 20:47

I also have CFS and although I can go out or do a bit of housework in the mornings, I rest in the afternoon. I get worse in the evenings, no energy or enthusiasm and pain levels through the roof!!!! Could your hubby change his group? Can he find a different hobby with a time that works best for him? It is sooooo important to get put daily, even to the lamp post and back. Gentle hugs to you both

partialderivative · 10/03/2016 20:49

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