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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want him to go out every once and a while?

43 replies

murmuration · 10/03/2016 19:29

Argh! DH is still here. He was supposed to leave for his hobby meeting at 6:30pm! He asked if he should still go and I said yes, and yet he's just lain down on the couch.

He's meant to go to this thing every week, but hasn't been for months as he feels too ill. He was supposed to go away all weekend a few weeks ago, but felt bad.

He's got CFS/ME, so I understand the feeling bad bit, but I'd really just like a little time to myself (with DD). I work FT, with people all day, and come home, and he's here all the time.

Is it unreasonable to want just a little time in my own home without someone around? I'm an introvert, and I'd really like some alone time to get some rest (at the moment, I don't care if 4yo DD is here or not - I'd just like to not have to deal with another adult).

(BTW, I have CFS/ME too, just not as bad, so it is very difficult for me to 'go out' and get alone time - that just exhausts me, instead of being restful.)

OP posts:

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 10/03/2016 20:57

I dont know much about CFS or ME, but I wish DH would go out at somepoint. He's a SAHD and he doesn't have any hobbies and never leaves the house without me.

Original poster

murmuration · 10/03/2016 21:24

tywin - yes!

birds, what's chunking? I haven't heard of that. I do lots of pacing to manage my condition, planning for being able to work during the week, limiting my activities on weekends, planning for a big event in the future by resting up, etc. DH just seems to do stuff when he has energy, and then sleep when he doesn't. It's frustrating, because I'm newly diagnosed (although I developed pacing strategies through trial and error years beforehand), so I feel like I can't tell him how to manage his condition. But I feel like he doesn't make an effort at all. In fact, he gets upset at me for saying I won't be able to do X,Y, and Z in the future, but that I could manage X, claiming "you never want to do anything". Yet he plans X, Y, and Z then doesn't manage for it and when the day comes does none of it.

I go out a lot. I'm out all day at work, and I take DD to a weekend Mum's group once a month. He's home all the time, and has time at home alone for ~5 hours twice a week when DD is at nursery and ~6 hours when DD and I go to the Mum's group (it's not that long a meeting! It's just I don't drive, so walk and take the bus, and all that time adds up). I know that's not a lot of time home alone for him, but it's more than I get! For me, it's been a big fat zero for the last few months. Even when he goes to his thing, it's ~4 hours -- if he leaves on time, which he rarely does, so usually only a couple hours a week. Then there is the 4 times a year that he has his weekend thing, but he has only gone twice over the last two years.

drharleen - yes! Exactly that. Interesting it doesn't require illness to make it like that. I've always just blamed the illness.

OP posts:

kinga1981 · 10/03/2016 21:53

My husband is hardly home and I keep getting frustrated. I feel like he doesn't like spending time home with me, watching telly, doing nothing. He says he does, but always comes late. Still not home now, waiting.

Original poster

murmuration · 12/03/2016 09:43

Oh, that's worse, kinga . When did he get home?

Water came back, so I got my bath. And he's planning a one-off event tonight, so assuming he doesn't feel too ill to go, I will get my alone(with DD)-time afterall. (Oh, never replied to that bit - he's worse in the morning and has energy in the evening; it's much harder for him when his hobby is doing a morning thing and they start setting up at 9am or something!)

Will take DD out during the day today, and hopefully that will help him rest up. Thanks all for indulging me during my bit of irrationality. I think having dashed hopes sets up a lot of frustration. I realise the lack of water and long drive actually mean it was a bigger problem for him than normal.

So I was BU last night. But I do feel a bit like DH should plan to get out more...

OP posts:

Tywinlannister · 13/03/2016 17:15

I love those weekends they go away, when we first met I hated them but I look forward to them now so I can get a curry in and take ownership of the TV.

I don't think YABU, DH's kit takes up a lot of space, if he wasn't actually going out to use it,I'd go nuts!

Original poster

murmuration · 17/03/2016 18:20

Fuck that! I took the step to make a dinner for him tonight so that he would be fed and ready to go on time. He said "I haven't decided if I'm going or not" ARGH!!! He hasn't been particularly ill today. I've been home all day and so looking after DD, so he hasn't even been doing that.

For his one-off event last week, it actually turned out he didn't leave until it was time to put DD to bed, so I didn't get time alone with her other than our usual night routine, and returned as soon as she was asleep! So no time on my own or with DD after all.

And now he doesn't want to go again!

OP posts:

positivity123 · 17/03/2016 19:37

YANBU. My DH rarely goes it and it drives me totally insane. When he proposed I made it a condition that he made an effort to give me space but he doesn't stick to it. About once every six months we have a massive row about as he knows that a bit of solitude in the house is really important to me but he doesn't respect it.
After we have a row it tends to get better for a bit so I just ensure I keep reminding him. I only ask for one evening a fortnight or the odd bit of time at the weekend.
I know I sound like a meanie but it is really important for me to emotionally recharge in solitude so I refuse to feel bad about it.
I'd explain it to him when you calm down

ChicChantal · 17/03/2016 19:41

Can you go to the gym or out for coffee somewhere for a couple of hours and take a book? I'm a complete introvert and I couldn't handle having someone around 24/7.

topcat2014 · 17/03/2016 19:43

I would hate to feel unwelcome in my own home, to be honest..

Penguinepenguins · 17/03/2016 20:00

I'd hate to feel I had to go out so my DP could have alone time... And I'd hate to make him go out for space for me, we both work hard and neither after dinner/chores/children want to go out of an evening during the week - if we do we hire a nanny and have a night together being a couple.

If at home we want space, we just say "love you going off to do xyz" which means
He goes into his man cave of an evening if he wants some space and I have a bath and watch TV in the bedroom - but mostly we like each other's company even if it's just sitting on the sofa of an evening watching TV playing on mobile phones.

Original poster

murmuration · 17/03/2016 21:28

Yay! He took a while, but he actually left. Although he said he didn't know how long he would stay and would probably be back early...sigh. But DD and I got some time together, which was great. Now we'll see how much time I get to myself with her asleep.

The problem with going out is my illness. On Sat when I went out with DD, it was lovely. We had such a great time. We went to a sit-down restuarant together, and shopping, and had so much fun. But it really destroyed me :( Very, very lucky I'd planned this week off work already, as DH skipped out of helping DD with a craft thing we'd promised on Sun, and so I had to stand for a few hours, and I was so ill by Monday I couldn't walk, and was just weeping in exhaustion. We had to go out as we had a dentist appointment, and I nearly fainted. I ended up crawling around the house most of the day as I couldn't get about otherwise. I'm so conflicted as I go back to work tomorrow and I still haven't recovered from the weekend, but I had so much fun and I want to do it again!

It doesn't destroy DH to the same extent to just go to his evening thing once a week. I had a great time with DD tonight, even if it was less than an hour, and I'd just so love to have an hour or two with her the same way without destroying my health over it.

He is welcome here. I love him, and for the most part enjoy his company. I'd just like a few hours every couple weeks on my own - in contrast he gets regularly 10 hours on his own plus the once-monthly 6. This week he even escaped back to his room once for an hour saying he "wanted to be alone" - but I can't do that! He's got his office that he never uses unless he feels the need to be alone, but he gets time alone when I'm at work and DD is at nursery and when I'm home he works in the living spaces and the only place I can get to myself is the bath - and I can't spend hours in there!

OP posts:

Allofaflumble · 17/03/2016 22:06

Still laughing at Tibbawyrots post. So funny.

I live alone, so get masses of solitude. Too much togetherness always stressed me. I understand it better as I get older.

I know quite a few married women with this problem. Their husbands rarely go out and want to be around them 24/7._Nightmare.

HormonalHeap · 17/03/2016 22:28

As they say... Married for life but not for lunch I need my solitude. But I have to say, I actually find myself following dh around the house

HormonalHeap · 17/03/2016 22:42

Married for life but not for lunch. I think my dad is like this- follows my mum around. She just takes herself off to another room to watch tv!

I need solitude but strangely enough not from dh- that's a first. I'm the annoying one following him! But I guess he's not home all the time- we always have loads to talk about. I might feel the same as you if he was!

HormonalHeap · 17/03/2016 22:43

Sorry for double post..tired!

BillBrysonsBeard · 17/03/2016 22:56

We're together all day as DP works from home (using the kitchen and living room as it's 1 bed flat so no office!) and I'm a SAHM. Luckily we get on great but sometimes I just want to be alone! If I feel like that I go for an evening walk with my ipod.

BillBrysonsBeard · 17/03/2016 22:57

Forgot to add, DP loves it like this!

Seren85 · 17/03/2016 23:19

Setting aside the illness issues, I also get the desire for some alone time. DH works shifts that change daily but I usually get at least two nights on my own. Its bliss. Any more than that and I miss the hell out of him but I've certainly spent evenings encouraging him to go for a pint or 5 or just go to bed as he's knackered and falling asleep so I can watch Nashville and faff on the Internet in peace. He gets whole week days to himself to watch Gotham or wrestling in peace because I work office hours.

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