to think they could have said one nice thing about my children

[justalittlelemondrizzle]

We had parents evening last night and I came out feeling so deflated. I didn't go in there with rose tinted glasses, I know where my dd's need improvement. Dd1 is in year 3 and is a sensitive, kind and gentle girl she was recently bullied by a horrible girl in her class who also bullied her in year 1. She lost her confidence because of this back then due to an awful teacher who blamed it on her her confidence has never returned. I know she is a smart girl, not gifted or anything but pretty smart. The school expect so much and her year group are exceptionally bright. Her teacher didnt say one positive thing about her. Everything was negative then she stood up meaning time to go.
Dd2 is bright but pretty lazy, I know this, I expected this. But again no positive comments about anything. Theyre both polite, helpful and friendly girls. Could they really not find anything nice to say about them. Im so upset. I feel like I have failed them

What's getting my goat first of all, is that your poor DD was subjected to cruel bullying and then got blamed for it. I'd have got straight to my local paper and named and shamed the bitch and the school. Fancy blaming a little child for what's happened to them.
On to the Parents evening now. It's hard as well because if it's anything like my dd's school was. It's in a class room/hall whers all other parents/guardians are, so not very confidential for a start, so you can hear them praising (or so it seems) other people's little darlings and yours are getting slated. Im not a teacher but id know how to report to you without upsetting you and to make sure I'd focus on the positives.
Eg. Little Lemon. Is very polite and friendly in school and likes to help. Shes very bright and explained about targets. But she can be a bit lackadaisical though, and I know that although she's doing well. She does have the ability to do better. Saying someone can do better is a build up not a put down.
About Littler Lemon. She's loving kind and sensitive and considerate to the needs of others, and would have praised her for her academic work, showed you her targets ect and talked about getting to the next target.

I agree, there is ALWAYS something positive about every child. I would seriously question a teacher who could only think of the negatives. It's unfair, unhelpful and unpleasant. Please don't blame yourself for the negativity of these teaching staff. You have not failed them. I worked with children with very challenging behavioural difficulties, but there were lots of nice things about each and every one of them. This parents' evening says way more about these teachers, than it does about your girls.

What exactly did they say?

I don't want to pick on OP. Just that on other threads like this sometimes when people list what was actually said, a lot of it isn't negative. Or at least, only negative if you only choose to hear it that way.

I feel confused when I hear a positive spin on DC, tbh. I'd rather a warts & all commentary, but impossible to get nowadays.

DS has just turned 4 and is a very bright but complicated little fellow. Can already read and spell simple words, knows all shapes,colours etc and basic maths. He is incredibly chatty and engaging. However, only the flip side, he has delayed speech and hence very frustrated and prone to tantrums, poor motor skills and trouble doing as he's told. He started pre-school last September and is both way ahead and way behind his peers.

His teachers tell me exactly where he struggles, but always find his strengths and praise them. I leave every meeting/chat feeling incredibly upbeat and like he is in the best hands. I would feel very depressed hearing nothing but negatives OP, and I don't blame you for feeling upset. I really would approach the relevant staff (HOY?) and explain that you are concerned about the way meetings are handled and that you were left a bit hurt and confused. There is nothing precious about expecting people who are supposed to guide your children to do so in a positive manner

There needs to be a sandwich of feedback at parents evenings- good bad good as it equally doesn't help if you only get told the good stuff and nothing that could be improved. My first ever reception parents evening I got a 20 minute tirade of negative from the teacher which was awful. Since then I've had lots of very bland "everything's fine" type parents evenings which don't actually give you anything to work with. There is something good about even the most difficult of children so a totally negative report says that there is a problem with the teacher but at the same time I do want to know where my child needs to improve.

I find the heavily veiled way in which teachers speak so frustrating and mysterious that I would welcome this brand of candour.

A bit shite that they didn't work in a few positives.

I agree they do have to be truthful. I mean they can't say. Oh little Johnny's top of the class. He'll be in Cambridge University by the time he's 10. When in reality little Johnny is struggling. Of course teachers can't give parents false hope, but they can put it over in a positive way

How demoralising. Yes it's no use if it's just flannel but after the negatives they could have found something encouraging to say, surely. My knee jerk response to each would be, exactly how long has the problem been going on? How have they addressed this in class? Any suggestions how you might help them when at home?

Do you have contact details for the two teachers? If not, then I'd just email the head and ask for them to be forwarded.

I would start with it was nice to meet you, face to name etc etc.
Then I would summarize the feedback and ask for confirmation that you had correctly interpreted it.
I would confirm the areas for development and ask for practical examples of how you can help them to achieve it particularly as DD1 is now Yr 3 and out of EYFS etc.

Then I would simply say, that you were disappointed that they were unable to share any positive points with you about your children and how they were progressing, even if it was simply that they paid attention and were attentive and helpful. Simply state, that after any parent teacher meeting you like to give constructive feedback to your children but that the absence of any positives at all makes that difficult. "I appreciate that it's a busy evening and must take a lot of preparation so if anything comes to mind now, please let me know if there is anything you would like me to tell them, and feel free to email me at any time"

They're only human. Catch more flies with honey and all that.

I agree with
Next time when they stand up say "thank you so much for being so frank, is there ANYTHING positive you have to say about dd?

I think it's awful that they couldn't give ONE positive thing!

The things they said probably are true, but none of it is supposed to be a shock, because if a child is truly so "bad" that there's nothing positive to say, then the teachers should have been arranging meetings with you before now!

I'm not a teacher but I volunteer in girl guiding and even the "worst" kids I can think of good things about them! Genuinely good things not just the "negative as a positive" like "X is a sociable and confident girl" when I mean "X would rather talk to her friends than listen to instructions".

Ask for another meeting - it'll be calmer and less rushed and you'll have time to clarify what they meant and ask what your dd's are doing well.
I'm a teacher and am always happy to arrange follow up meetings if parents feel there is more to discuss.

I thought teachers had to say something positive.
I know I had to and my students were 6th formers.
You tell the truth, the negatives too, but always find something positive even if it's very friendly polite and turns up on time.
they could say well prepared, but not very focussed in class etc and what they suggest to improve.
This was terrible, and not good practice at all.

After years of misery at parents night DS2 finally came good at A level - 3 teachers in a row asked us why we looked so surprised as we picked our jaws off the floor
DS3s teacher has just said -'I can see things picking up by A level' - he is 12!
Don't worry it will all pan out there is plenty of time to go
That said I do know how you feel

I'd be interested to know how much of a teacher training degree or post qualification training on the job/ inset days is about Parent Management and Communication.

Surely they get the basic rules drummed in at some point?

1. Everyone Loves Their Child! Always find positives to say, show you know and appreciate each child
2. Giving feedback: the basic shit sandwich
3. Parents aren't pupils! Parents and other bone fide adults don't appreciate being treated like school children.
4. Communicate communicate communicate. Teachers live the school rules, culture and calendar, children do too, parents do not. If you don't Tell people what's expected/ happening when, where, how, why... you cannot expect parents to just 'know'.
5. You are an expert, and parents are too. Build authority and trust though teaching expertise: child development, curriculum, learning, class room discipline, suggestions on specific home support etc. recognize parents as experts on their own child, homes and lives. I know the government disagrees, but if schools work in partnership with parents, is better for everyone.

Then other general management and communication stuff like how to defuse angry parents: move it into private, ensure they feel heard, give them time and space to 'say their piece', establish what outcome they want, blah blah blah...

The mark of a good teacher is how they can relate to the wider community beyond the classroom. The school community internally and beyond, and of course, parents in particular.

If you lose the respect or good will of your classes parents and caregivers, surely that makes a teachers job pretty much unrelenting misery?! Much better to have them on side and willing to work with you to help you and the children?

Eg if a parent is upset about an incident, and shares the issue with other parents, if a teacher is well respected and engaging, other parents will offer up their own experiences, suggest a positive interpretation on it, or add pertinent info to bring it into context (eg. The TA was away that day so Ms X had to cover her role too / or there's an initiative being imposed by the new ht, or 'I've heard she always does this at the start of the new year to establish the ground rules' etc), or just to suggest the right way to talk to the teacher to get it sorted.

I wonder if teachers can sometimes underestimate the positive power of parents, not just the hideousness of gossip and cliques at the school gates (I avoid that like the plague!)

All that said, it's a tough profession, exacting and with multiple skill sets, and teachers should be respected, just as they (I would hope!) respect others.

I'd be interested to know how much of a teacher training degree or post qualification training on the job/ inset days is about Parent Management and Communication.

When I trained - 10 years ago - absolutely none.

I woukd have and have done, said now you highlighted all the negative things, can you give me some positive feedback to, as I am are there is!

, and that's not even that long ago either, Wonk

Thanks for your replies everyone. Yes some of the things I was expecting as it is a very academic school. But to not even say one positive thing hurt me. I wish I had asked her if there was anything positive she could think of but i was on the spot. I dont like these situations anyway. I don't think I could complain. I don't have the balls.
I know im not being precious when I think they are good girls, theyre not stupid, theyre pretty bright kids. Theyve always got great marks and expected and exceeding in all subjects in their reports.

justalittlelemondrizzle it's utterly appalling your dd was bullied in two separate year groups, and utterly appalling that she was made to feel responsible for it. If anything of this re-emerges please jump all over them, so to speak.

When dd started school at 4 in foundation. The teacher seemed to not like her much, I could just tell the way she called her name. We were often late and that seemed to be an issue. DD struggled at school. At parent teacher meetings I just had loads of negative stuff. I knew she had dyslexia fairly early on, or feared it (as I am dyslexic too). Then in her first year at school her teacher was pretty miserable and it was not until a lovely teacher, who was in training, actually sat me down and said something positive about dd that I cried!

I wrote to the school to express my concerns about lack of positive statements. Now if I got all negatives I would challenge it there and then.

In your shoes I would write to the school, expressing your concern and asking for a meeting.

Plus I totally agree about the situation of sitting in rooms and having all other parents around, it's not very private or confidential. It could be arranged so much better!

I think your children's teachers must be very unobservant if they couldn't think of anything positive to say!

What gloomy Guses those teachers are. It makes me thankful to be homeschooling.

to your lovely children!!

You need to email the head and say explain that the whole experience was very negative and you were surprised they didn't have one positive thing to say. I'd wonder if they are this negative to the children directly.

I would be concerned about a child of mine being taught by people who were incapable of saying anything positive about them.

I went to a parent teacher meeting when DS was in 3rd grade, and the teacher said, 'Well, Mrs Anxiety, you have a kind son' and it almost made me cry.

I actually think you should consider moving your lovely DDs to another school. I agree with Atenco, and I suspect the negativity is doing a job on your DD1's confidence. I don't think it's the bullying alone.

We used to get this. I got into the habit, for every moan, of coming straight back with (very politely): "tell me what you propose/ what you are doing to overcome this problem? What specific help are you putting in place?"

What you tend to find with this approach is that the teacher has NO intention of changing anything in their practice or making any referrals for additional help (eg involving senco or ed psych). In which case, what is the point?!

I stopped going to parents' evenings for DD for years - when young she was very bright but also tended to be very distracted/lack focus so it was the same broken record every time (this was not something we ignored btw as we paid for a private ADHD evaluation among other things). Funnily enough now she is in secondary it's the opposite problem - there is not much point going because the teachers can't find anything to say except what a good student she is!