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Original poster

10/11 year age gap between children

73 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 10/03/2016 11:00

Has anyone else had children with such a big age gap? I'm about 7 weeks pregnant (unexpectedly) and can't get my head around doing it all over again after all this time.

OP posts:
cocochanel21 · 10/03/2016 14:19

I have a 23year age gap between my dd's

Also have a 7year gap between my 5 older siblings and I
Growing up I loved having older siblings and was close to them all.
I'm now 38 and still very close to my siblings. My oldest sister who is 48 was with me at the birth of my 2 dd's 23years apart.

Twinkie1 · 10/03/2016 14:23

I have a 16 year old, 11 year old and. 2 year old.

The older 2 adore the baby but fight like cat and dog themselves.

It was hard at first but it's actually really nice now having the little one has brought so much more into our lives.

I have more time for them all too and a lot more patience.

DD 16 wasn't happy until baby was old enough to react with her, she was actually a complete terror until baby was about 5 months but she's great with her now. But maybe that's because she was hormonal and is stepchild so was more wary of another sibling that was mine and DHs.

whois · 10/03/2016 14:43

but living with a single parent who expected you to pick up the slack (or spend your spare time babysitting) was a nightmare

That sounds rough - but maybe more the issue was your mum relying on you for support, rather than the actual age gap? My sister didn't do much in the way of babysitting - to busy wth her own life!

Kim82 · 10/03/2016 15:09

When my youngest was born my elder three were 13, 10 and 7. The two girls (10 and 7 year old) absolutely adored the baby from the start and were like two little mother hens, Ds (the 13 year old) retreated to his room for 6 months!

The baby is now 19 months and she is absolutely doted on by the elder three - even Ds loves her to bits. She is spoilt rotten by them all and has three willing slaves to do as she orders. I would never have wanted a large gap between children but it has worked out amazingly well and I love being able to go through the baby stage one last time.

FranHastings · 10/03/2016 15:18

It's lovely, because you see a side of the older ones you would never have seen without the new addition. They also enjoy being able to play with the baby's toys. 😁

SleepyBoBo · 10/03/2016 15:22

whois - it wasn't fun, but just my experience! I know some love looking after younger siblings, wasn't my cup of tea at all though. As I said, love my younger sibling, but I didn't enjoy having them there for a good while.

wheresthel1ght · 10/03/2016 16:09

Slightly different situation as the age gap is between our daughter and dps kids but there is 10 years been dd and dss and 7.5 between her and dsd. All 3 shared a bedroom on contact days when dd was first born and now we have moved to a bigger house dd and dsd share.

Dd is a bugger with sleeping but has never caused any issues with dss or dsd. And they utterly adore her! Dss especially worships her and absolutely adores being a big brother and looking after her, dsd is adamant she will be teaching dd to tie her shoe laces!

I wouldn't worry too much, once the initial shock wears off all will be fine!

whois · 10/03/2016 17:15

They also enjoy being able to play with the baby's toys
Mum says my sister used to get annoyed because her friends would come round and then want to play with the baby toys and me, and not sit in her room talking boys or whatever!

Birdsgottafly · 10/03/2016 18:51

I've got a ten year age gap.

My eldest wasn't really interested in the baby, but when my second was a toddler and my eldest was going through the difficult teen years, she use to take her temper out on us and cuddle her little sister.

She, again wasn't very interested in her, until she hit 16 and she started to take her to concerts etc.

They are very close now at 19 & 30.

I think it helps that my middle DD is very mature and my eldest never really wanted to grow up.

My youngest is 18 and the three of them go on city breaks and are planning a holiday, this year.

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 13/03/2016 11:18

Thank you for your replies.

Unfortunately I'm not feeling very positive about it at all. I don't find being a mum easy, this is partly due to depression/anxiety. I think part of the reason I haven't had a second child is because I don't want to inflict myself on another person. And don't want to create another person like me. On the other hand, I did want another child for years and its only just recently that I'd put the idea to bed because my partner has never been keen and still isn't.

I don't think my DD will benefit much either. If anything I worry that she will become more distant as she gets into her teens. I can't stand the thought of that. She is my firstborn and I love her so much. I wish I'd realised how happy I was just with her and not always have been thinking that we didn't feel like a proper family. Really hate myself now.

If I keep it and announce the news to my family, I don't think it will be welcomed. It'll probably feel like the first time round when I was 23 and not even living with her dad. Everyone was shocked and concerned. But then nothing I do is ever celebrated or encouraged.

Sigh... this is all so shit.

Completely against terminations in general but think this may be what happens.

OP posts:
Owllady · 13/03/2016 11:26

Hey enough, the best advice I received was to take it one day at a time and that it was early days and see what happens and that sort of kept me going through the early horrible bit Flowers

froggyjump · 13/03/2016 11:31

I have 2 close together (22 month gap) then a 9 year gap to the third.

Like you, it was unplanned, I had previously wanted a third, but had decided against as the others got older.

My DH was very against the idea of this unplanned DC3, and went so far as to threaten to leave if I kept it. I did consider terminating the pregnancy (not because of his threats, but because of my other 2 children, job, age etc etc)

I went for a dating scan and was much further on than I had thought, so a termination was not possible.

My older kids love their little brother in short doses, and are great at practical help, they will babysit now (they are 16 and 14) and drop him off /pick him up from school.

I do think my life would have been a lot easier if he hadn't arrived, e.g. all fitting in the car, booking holidays and days out etc, but we all love him to bits and wouldn't be without him now. - DH got over his shock, and the completely crap way he reacted to it, and is now (time wise) the main child carer, works pt to fit around school etc.

RandomMess · 13/03/2016 11:32

EnoughAlready - your latest post is full of how "damaged" your feelings are around parenthood courtesy of your extended family. Whether you continue with the pregnancy or not please, please start therapy if you haven't already.

Teens do become more distant it's part of growing up, a sibling won't alter it either way, you don't think your good a motherhood - few of us think we are, family won't celebrate - that is your problem not their (although yes it does hurt)

Spend some time working through what you want underneath your fears and concerns Flowers Flowers

thebestfurchinchilla · 13/03/2016 11:49

My mum and her brother had a 20 yr gap. They were so close and he was like an older brother to mum's children.

LotsOfShoes · 13/03/2016 12:24

My mum and her sister are 12 and 14 years older than their brother. The 14 yr old really didn't like it at first, refused to hold the baby or help, was really embarassed by having such a younger sibling. But she grew out of it in a couple of years. The other sister absolutely adored the baby from day 1 and helped loads. All 3 of them grew up to be very close and still get along great now. They meet up regularly, my uncle used to babysit me loads, every Christmas and Easter is spent together etc. Honestly, it can work out really well. Teenagers can be difficult and distant but that's because they're teenagers, it's not really a reflection on you as a parent. They have to grow up and find their independence.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 13/03/2016 12:33

My eldest is 11, middle one is 9 and have a three month old. It's hard going back to sleepless nights but other than that it's lovely

FizzgigFizzgog · 15/03/2016 01:01

I have 2 DDs, oldest is turning 11 soon, youngest just turned 1 last month. They absolutely adore each other, 1 year old spends a lot of time pointing out photos on the wall off her big sister.

Tbh I was a tad concerned I'd have forgotten everything I'd learned with our eldest, but it actually seems so much easier! (Even though I was still living with parents for the first year of her life, I was just 17). It all came flooding back as soon as we were home from the hospital.

One of the huge advantages of having a gap that big is that the older sibling can be genuinely very handy! If I've been run ragged all day (OH is often out during the day working with his dad) and haven't managed any housework, when my eldest gets home from school she's happy to sit and play or watch cartoons with baby while I do dishes/laundry/whatever needs doing. OH cooks dinner every night so I'm not doing everything myself (just most things Wink)

Good luck!

pilpiloni · 15/03/2016 01:29

We have 10 years between oldest and youngest. It's great! Ok, little one does tend to get dragged to older one's activities - but then she gets fussed over by dd1 and all her friends!

There's 3 years between dd1 and dd2 and the dynamic is totally different but I love it. Far easier than when the older 2 were little.

The only downside is that dd3 is spoilt rotten. She only started walking at 18 months, I suspect because she was used to being waited on hand and foot by her sister-slaves :)

pilpiloni · 15/03/2016 01:37

Just read your post later in the thread. I didn't mean to sound all Disney which is probably not what you wanted to hear.

You've got to do what's right for you and your family. Although I suspect if you've created a happy home for you and dd1, there will be enough love for another child.

It sounds that you're in a lot of pain. Could some counseling help before you make a final decision?

MadisonAvenue · 15/03/2016 01:45

Only 3 years between my children but 11 years between me and my sister (she's the oldest). I drove her crazy when I was very young as she was studying for O and A levels at grammar school and when she practised her piano for her piano exams I'd stand alongside her bashing away at the keys, 'singing' nonsense at the top of my voice. Unsurprisingly she left home to study as soon as she could after A levels...
We were both pretty much only children. She had our parents to herself for 11 years and I was 6 when she left home so it was then my turn as she didn't come home very often. I always wanted a brother or sister at home who was close in age as it was quite lonely.

It's only recently, within the last two or three years, that we've become closer. We've never really had much in common and she went through a series of longterm unsuccessful and unsuitable relationships and sort of stayed away from family for, oooh, about 30 years but she's back on track now in a settled relationship with the loveliest man so we see a lot of them and I really enjoy her company.

EverySongbirdSays · 15/03/2016 01:46

From my experience, mine and my sisters age gap (18 months) was too close, we were both going through the same things at the same time but wanted our own individual space and attention, didn't always get it and ended up fighting. My Mum was once forced to buy the same cassette twice because we refused to share, whereas my closest friend at uni had a sister 10 years her junior and they seemed to have a great relationship as did my ex with his little sister who is also 10 years his junior.

Ericaequites · 15/03/2016 02:22

As Punch says, don't. I'm the youngest sibling by nine years; the two elder are fifteen months apart. As adults, we still don't relate as equals. I spent years working in the family business with my brother, but barely spoke to him. The elder sibling shouldn't have to be a junior parent, as my sister was. I know several other cases where the resentment has lasted past death of the elder sib.

Mckynzie123 · 27/03/2016 06:54

I'm not a mom but I am a sister with an 11 year age difference between me and my little brother my mom was a bit nervous about him being lonely but we are very close and getting to have a big difference in age made me more mature and involved I am practically his second mom and he tends to want to spend all the time he has with me

ProudAS · 27/03/2016 07:17

Friend of mine had sisters 14 and 16 years younger. He was angry about being put on by mum and expected to babysit but when asked and given chance to say no he enjoyed it.

Anaffaquine123 · 27/03/2016 07:38

My dsis is 11 years younger than me. We are as close as can be and always have been. We lost both our parents to cancer when my sister was early teens so I became more of a parental figure but I think we would have been close anyway. She is my best friend and vice versa.