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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is right ?

65 replies

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 11:05

Dd1 is 6.
Her behaviour at the minute is awful. Examples include being rude , cheeky , rolling her eyes at everything, deliberately ignoring me when I ask her to do something , hitting her younger sister when she can't get her own way etc . Just disrespectful behaviour.

Over the last week she has started to tell lies - silly little things that she really needn't have lied about .

She knows lying is wrong . The first time she lied this week , she said she had brushed her teeth and made up a tale about how she brushed each tooth herself - when in fact , she had washed the toothpaste down the sink .

I told her not to do it again and that was that .

The second lie was a few days later - she had stuck her fingers in to cake icing I had made and ate some . No problems with that , BUT , she came in looking sheepish and I asked her what she had been up to .

She denied anything and insisted she had done absolutely nothing . I let it go as I knew what she had done and it was just minor . I did explain that I wasn't cross about the icing but it's not ok to lie as you get in more trouble .

This morning , she hit her sister (this is currently a problem , not frequent , but we are working to resolve it).

Dd2 came to tell me that her sister had hit her . I asked dd1 and she flat out denied it . I explained one of them must be lying so who is it ? - she flat out denied it , but it was so obvious from her face she was lying .

I gave her a final chance to come clean and she eventually did . I confiscated her screen time for today for hitting and lying and told her again I was cross and it is wrong to lie .

DH now feels sorry for her and thinks we should allow her screen time tonight .

I disagree and think we should follow through .

I have planned some craft type stuff to do instead which I think will give her some positive one on one time , whilst also following through with the consequence .

Who is U ?

OP posts:
willfuckformichilenstarfood · 09/03/2016 11:08

You have to follow through with the punishment, my DP always gives in and the kids just get worse!! X

Perfectlypurple · 09/03/2016 11:10

Follow through on the punishment, if you don't she will learn that consequences don't really mean anything.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 09/03/2016 11:12

Definitely follow through or next time she would t believe you.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 09/03/2016 11:12

Won't

BertPuttocks · 09/03/2016 11:14

Stick to the punishment.

If you let her off with this, you're dd2 is going to get the message that you're actually okay with her being hit by her big sister. Dd1 will also learn that there are no consequences for her behaviour, even when she is caught out.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 09/03/2016 11:14

The punishment set is fair and reasonable, I'd continue. She is continuing to lie despite events earlier in the week so now is the time to start upping the ante, failing to follow through will just show her that you are not serious about any punishments set.

willconcern · 09/03/2016 11:14

Follow through. She needs to see the consequences of her actions. Give in and you have taught her nothing other than your threats mean nothing.

If my DCs do something wrong and then lie, they get the consequence for doing the wrong thing and another consequence for lying. Eg taking ipod up to bed when it should be left downstairs - it is taken away for 24 hours. Lie about it - it gets taken away for a further 24 hours.

Lying is the worse crime of the two, in my opinion.

Baconyum · 09/03/2016 11:17

You both are! Far too soft!

Honesty is a basic foundation for life in everything.

My parents let my sister slide on lying from this age onwards. We're now NC, for lots of reasons but one main one is she lies about pretty much everything!
Little things and very big things! Pregnancies, having cancer, money all sorts.

My dd 15 knows she will get into more trouble for lying than almost anything else. But... The anything else includes being violent to others.

Losing her screen time is pretty minor. At this age if dd had lied about hurting someone it'd be no playing out, no screen time, bed after dinner.

Original poster
PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 11:18

Agreed the lying is the worst part .

It doesn't help that dd went to DH for a cuddle telling him how mean I am Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 11:22

baconyum

I see your point but I disagree we are too soft well maybe DH

The reason she lost screen time is because it's a short , simple punishment she will understand and can be reminded of after the school day .

OP posts:
Baconyum · 09/03/2016 11:42

"I told her not to do it again and that was that ."

She lied again.

"She denied anything and insisted she had done absolutely nothing . I let it go"

She then hurts someone and lies again

"This morning , she hit her sister..she flat out denied it ."

"I have planned some craft type stuff to do instead" so just replacing the punishment with a reward...on the same day. I wonder what her sister feels about this? Or will feel?

'My sister hits me and gets rewarded'

BreconBeBuggered · 09/03/2016 11:52

Is your DH trying for a Popular Parent award or something? He has to recognise that sometimes you need to set boundaries that DC don't like. Punishments too.

Lying was the big no-no in my childhood as well. Probably more so than fighting. I think my parents accepted that siblings close in age might engage in a bit of physical squabbling, though bullying wouldn't have been tolerated.

BettyBi0 · 09/03/2016 11:58

You have to follow through with no screen time tonight.

Maybe you need to take another approach too and talk more directly about honesty/telling lies. I haven't experienced that age group yet but I'm sure there must be some good age appropriate books that tryouts can read together to re-enforce it all. I've also had a family member who never outgrew lying and it manifested in mental health/authenticity issues later on.

Original poster
PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 11:58

baconyum - some one on one parent time is not rewarding her - it's parenting - we have one on one regularly with both children .

The hitting is not the main issue in this scenario - it's the lying .

Dd2 is also guilty of hitting her sister - but that is a separate issue . It is the lying that is the problem .

Her sister will join us but she is young and prefers to do her own thing.

You may think I'm "soft" and I think your approach is harsh - suitable for a 15 year old maybe but not for a 6 year old where lying is actually part of development .

Do you suggest I collect her from school and then ignore her for the rest of the evening ?

OP posts:
BettyBi0 · 09/03/2016 11:58

tryouts you

Original poster
PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 11:59

To say I am rewarding her for hitting her sister is completely out of context .

OP posts:
Katenka · 09/03/2016 12:01

Ds comes to me when dh has told him off. I ask him what happened and then ask dh.

Then back dh up.

Tbh I think swooping screen time for crafting isn't ideal. My dd would prefer that so she wouldn't feel the punishment at all.

tinyterrors · 09/03/2016 12:01

Stick to no screen time. I wouldn't do the craft either, I'd use that as a reward for good behaviour not to replace screen time list for hitting her sister and lying.

You are being too soft on the lying. She lied twice this week and faced no consequences other than you saying you were cross. No wonder she lied about hitting her sister as you've shown twice this week that there are no real consequences for lying. The first two lies were trivial but young children don't understand the concept of big lies and small lies. All she will see is getting away with lying and will do it again.

My dcs know that lying means worse consequences than whatever they did wrong in the first place.

Your dh shouldn't be giving cuddles after you've told her off either. I'd be livid if my dh undermined me like that.

Original poster
PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:02

And my 4 year old is far too young to associate "one on one time with rewarding her sister for hitting her ."

There is also an 8 hour gap between crime and punishment - again, easy for your 15 year old to comprehend - not so much a young 6 year old .

Frankly I think your statement is ridiculous .

OP posts:
Original poster
PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:03

Crafting is not a treat Confused

It's something we do after school nearly every day .

Screen time is the treat.

OP posts:
tinyterrors · 09/03/2016 12:04

Lying at this age is part of development, but so are the consequences of those lies. If you don't teach young children that lying is wrong and has consequences then they'll think lying is perfectly fine and do it more.

willconcern · 09/03/2016 12:06

"I have planned some craft type stuff to do instead" so just replacing the punishment with a reward...on the same day.

I agree with baconyum on this. You have put a consequence in place, but are then replacing the screen time with something else that's fun. I wouldn't do this. DC would spend the usual screen time in their room, or doing a chore for me, maximum they'd be allowed to do would be read a book.

Spock27 · 09/03/2016 12:06

No screen time for the hitting and chores to do instead for the lying I would say. Still spending one on one time with her if she's drying dishes while you wash but in a way that's much more obviously a punishment than getting to do crafts.

Original poster
PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:07

I always tell my DC it is wrong to lie . They rarely do it .

However , this week there have been instances .

I find it very hard to believe that pp would be instantly harsh on something that is part of development.

To give 3 different punishments to a 6 year old for telling a tale about teeth (the first lie) - seriously ?!

OP posts:
Original poster
PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:07

tinyterrors exactly - that is why she has consequences .

OP posts: