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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is right ?

65 replies

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 11:05

Dd1 is 6.
Her behaviour at the minute is awful. Examples include being rude , cheeky , rolling her eyes at everything, deliberately ignoring me when I ask her to do something , hitting her younger sister when she can't get her own way etc . Just disrespectful behaviour.

Over the last week she has started to tell lies - silly little things that she really needn't have lied about .

She knows lying is wrong . The first time she lied this week , she said she had brushed her teeth and made up a tale about how she brushed each tooth herself - when in fact , she had washed the toothpaste down the sink .

I told her not to do it again and that was that .

The second lie was a few days later - she had stuck her fingers in to cake icing I had made and ate some . No problems with that , BUT , she came in looking sheepish and I asked her what she had been up to .

She denied anything and insisted she had done absolutely nothing . I let it go as I knew what she had done and it was just minor . I did explain that I wasn't cross about the icing but it's not ok to lie as you get in more trouble .

This morning , she hit her sister (this is currently a problem , not frequent , but we are working to resolve it).

Dd2 came to tell me that her sister had hit her . I asked dd1 and she flat out denied it . I explained one of them must be lying so who is it ? - she flat out denied it , but it was so obvious from her face she was lying .

I gave her a final chance to come clean and she eventually did . I confiscated her screen time for today for hitting and lying and told her again I was cross and it is wrong to lie .

DH now feels sorry for her and thinks we should allow her screen time tonight .

I disagree and think we should follow through .

I have planned some craft type stuff to do instead which I think will give her some positive one on one time , whilst also following through with the consequence .

Who is U ?

OP posts:

willconcern · 09/03/2016 12:09

My DC are 11 and 9. If your DD usually has, say, 1 hour of screen time in an evening, replace that screen time with something boring. Still do your craft stuff when you'd normally do it, but make the point that she lost her screen time for lying, and that time won't be replaced with something else she likes doing. A consequence has to feel like a consequence.

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:10

She is a very young 6 year old .

Crafting is not a reward - it is something she does almost every day . It's not replacing a punishment with a reward .

I have taken away screen time and she will do what she usually does each day - crafting .

OP posts:

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:11

willconcern

Thank you - you have basically just summed up what I'm trying to do , but not putting across very well ....

OP posts:

willconcern · 09/03/2016 12:12

Whatever, PoohsHouse. Crafting may not be a reward, however, just extending her crafting time isn't making the time that would have been screen time a consequence for the lying either.

willconcern · 09/03/2016 12:15

Oh, I thought you were disagreeing with me, PoohsHouse?

So, are you saying that you'll do your normal crafting time, but then when it would have been screen time, DD will have to do something duller? If so, then we are on the same page .

The punishment was removal of screen time, not removal of crafting time.

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:16

willconcern

Yes that's exactly what I'm saying

Albeit not very well .

OP posts:

Baconyum · 09/03/2016 12:16

Dd was 6 once I based my advice on what I did with her at that age. At 15 if she lies (extremely rare and more likely to be if commission), she's grounded for a week. She knows this.

I've also been a cm and nanny and worked with children of this age in a voluntary capacity so I'm well aware lying is part of development of the imagination and exerting their own boundaries. That doesn't mean it doesn't need addressed.

I've had some mothers over the years comment that my perspective is tougher than theirs. Their children are the same age as mine. My dd is doing well in school including various extra curricular activities where she is well respected and liked. Their children not so much.

foodiefil · 09/03/2016 12:17

Is she attention seeking? Are things ok at school?

Follow through with the punishment but think about why she might be acting up like this?

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:18

Dd usually has her screen time in the form of her iPad right after school whilst we drive to collect DH from work .

She will have no iPad screen time for the journey because of the lying .

OP posts:

Baconyum · 09/03/2016 12:19

"I have planned some craft type stuff to do instead "

You didn't say until later that you usually do crafting.

Baconyum · 09/03/2016 12:20

How long is the trip to get dad from work?

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:21

foodiefil I do think it is attention seeking but I also think she is manifesting confusion over the death of her hamster .

I know that sounds ridiculous ! But her hamster died recently and we have had lots of questions around death and also she has woken crying at night in fear she will die .

The one on one crafting is to spend some time with her .

That does not mean that I will allow or condone her lying .

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 09/03/2016 12:22

My experience is that coming down really hard on children encourages them to lie. And it is important that children are honest because, actually, you won't always know who is lying - some children naturally look guilty when accused.

My parents were very tough on lying and behaviour generally and very quick to assume I was lying. I was a terrible liar (nothing to lose) growing up. In contrast, my children know they have nothing to fear by telling me the truth and I'm pretty sparing on punishments generally (although losing screen time is one I'll use). They are 10 and 8 and don't lie at all. Result.

Anyway OP, just a different opinion for you to consider. Did you find out why your dd hit? That's important too, although hitting is never OK.

willconcern · 09/03/2016 12:22

I think if you have said you'll take away screen time, you do just that. You don't take away everything else as well. So screen time goes, but other normal stuff you do after school stays.

So I might remove DS's ipod for 24 hours for playing when he shouldn't, and for another 24 hours for lying about it. I wouldn't then refuse to take him to football practice as well.

I think it is normal for kids that age to lie - they don't want to get into trouble, they are testing boundaries of reality and truth. So long as the message is getting across that lying is unacceptable, and the consequence for lying will be in addition to the consequence for the original "crime", then the lesson will sink in.

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:23

baconyum I take on board your points - your way is your way .

But I also researched how to deal with lying google and attributed my approach to that .

I feel what I have done is is fair and fits the "crime"as well as her understanding .

If it crops up again, then I will obviously up the ante again .

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2016 12:24

I agree with Baconyum

I think you're both far too soft.

My kids knew they'd get 2 punishments - one for whatever they did and the other for lying about it.

So she's going to lose a bit of screen time in the car for actually hitting her sister and then telling another mouthful of lies?

Then she'll get rewarded with making crafts? (and despite what you say, I think it is a reward).

I think you need to step it up if you ever want to nip this in the bud.

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:25

It's a 45 minute drive to collect DH.

Usually she would spend this playing with her iPad . Today , she will just have to hope there's a scenic route

OP posts:

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:28

No. She will not be rewarded with crafts because that is part of her daily routine.

OP posts:

willconcern · 09/03/2016 12:31

I think if I were you, I'd have a conversation with DD, pointing out that she's losing the screen time on the way there for hitting, and on the way back for lying - so a consequence for each, and to re-emphasize that the lying was wrong.

Essentially, my kids get punished for the crime and the lying separately, just like Worra's. Is your DD clear that she's being punished separately for both? I think that's the point, it isn't one consequence covering both misdemeanors. If she'd hit and owned up, she wouldn't be getting the separate punishment for lying.

Baconyum · 09/03/2016 12:32

"My kids knew they'd get 2 punishments - one for whatever they did and the other for lying about it."

That's what I did. Encourages honesty as she knew she'd be in less trouble and face fewer consequences.

It's not just about lying to mum/whoever may be doling out consequences. It teaches them life is easier if you're honest. Fewer misunderstandings, people see you as trustworthy and reliable and are more likely to ask you to do nice things.

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:33

The idea of the thread was to ask if I should stick to the consequence as my DH felt sorry for dd.

I wasn't asking if the consequence was ok.

I know my dd and I know the context in which I am disciplining.

I am happy with the consequence and the way it will be implemented . Pp's may not agree , but I also don't agree some of the suggestions are age appropriate .

We all parent differently .

Because dd "only" lost screen time at 6 years old for trying her luck with lying (as is normal) , does not mean she's going to grow up to be a lying , attention seeking delinquent .

OP posts:

Baconyum · 09/03/2016 12:33

"I think if I were you, I'd have a conversation with DD, pointing out that she's losing the screen time on the way there for hitting, and on the way back for lying - so a consequence for each, and to re-emphasize that the lying was wrong." Good idea

MadamDeathstare · 09/03/2016 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2016 12:33

Your DH is BU of course. But as this thread has gone on, so are you. You are not being tough enough on her lying, so she's just carrying on. You've decided to take away a treat for one night, fair enough - but that's after the 3rd lie. How many lies does she have to tell to get a stiff consequence?

And I agree with the others - crafting isn't a consequence. Routine isn't a consequence. There's no disincentive there to stop lying.

Original poster

PoohsHouse · 09/03/2016 12:35

willconcern

She is aware that she was more in trouble for lying than she would have been "just" for hitting .

I like your idea of on the way there for hitting / back for lying so I will use this when we chat again about why she has no screen time .

OP posts:

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