To be so upset for DD that her friends are being so awful to her?

[JumblyWumbly]

DD is 11 and is in year 6 at school.

I am biased but she is a lovely girl; very friendly, open and upbeat, and has always been really popular at school and had lots of party invitations and got invited to lots of other childrens' houses to play.

She has had the same group of friends pretty much through school since reception. There are 6 of them in the friendship group and there have never really been any problems other than the very occasional temporary spat. They've all always been lovely girls and they've all always got on really well. Teachers have always commented on what a nice, strong group of friends they are.

At the beginning of this year a different girl, who has also been in their year since reception, started hanging around with them all. I'll call her Chloe. DD had always got on well with this girl and liked her, but since September Chloe has really become a queen bee of this group (something that the group didn't particularly seem to have before), and has really taken a dislike to DD and has become nastier and nastier to her. Over the months the others, who all think Chloe is amazing, have jumped on the bandwagon too and are nasty and snidey to DD a lot. They are very protective about Chloe and will do whatever she says, and if DD ever sticks up for herself they jump in to defend Chloe and are even nastier to DD.

It is just constant things; taking DD's lunch and hiding it on a regular basis, calling her names, doing things to her and then saying it's her being horrible, sending her horrible texts, little physical things like pulling her hair, etc. I have spoken to DD's teacher about it, who is lovely about it and has offered to speak to the girls but DD doesn't want her to as she thinks it will make it worse. The girls also all go to an activity one night per week and they have started doing it to her there too, last week they all kept spraying her with something they were using to do a cookery activity and she came home covered in food. It's an activity run by volunteers so I can't exactly go in there and speak to the leaders about it unfortunately. Also most of these are going to a different secondary school to DD, so they use this as a stick to beat DD with and call her names about the school she is going to and say that the school is rubbish.

DD has started to hang around with others girls at school, and has 'friends' to spend time with, but I can tell that she is just so sad about how these girls, her longterm friends, have behaved and are still behaving. She was upset last night and I have again offered to speak to the teacher but she doesn't want me to as she thinks it will make things worse and her last few months at the school will be more unpleasant, which I understand but at the same time I want the school to stop the behaviour!

I am friendly with the mums of these girls but haven't mentioned it to any of them, as I don't think it would be a good idea and would cause extra drama and increase the problem.

I just feel so sad for DD, and so upset. She's always loved school and felt a real sense of belonging and had good friends and now it's just awful for her :(

What do I do?

Your poor dd is being BULLIED by her so-called friends. It's not even low-level - hiding lunch, pulling hair, nastiness - that's plain and simple bullying.

You need to go and talk to school - it can't make it any worse, and may make some of these girls think twice. Make a list of what's happened, who did what. and when, and give it a week or so for the teacher to do something, then go back in. Ask to see their anti-bullying policy etc.

I'm glad your dd is going to a different secondary and will be able to make new friends.

Year 6 can be an odd one - and girls have to learn who's nice, who's 'cool', and how best to act in friendship situations. We found that Year 6 was tricky with dd -Year 7 is much better.

I'd also speak to the volunteers running the activity the girls go to - they have a duty of care to dd as well.

If you know the other girls' parents WELL, you could speak to them, but this could backfire (as some parents won't think anything bad of their dds).

Big hugs to your dd. Sounds horrible.

Sorry, my post is called 'DD's friend has turned on her' - just in case you want to do a search for it.

DD does stick up for herself and is quite vocal but it makes things worse as they are very protective of Chloe and the others all then gang up on DD more.

She's hanging round with others under the guise of 'not wanting to hang around with silly nasty girls' rather than slinking away, if that makes sense.

Yes, the activity is Guides. I will give the leader a call this week before the session to mention it. I was just worried that she'd label me as one of 'those' parents and think I was being cheeky expecting a volunteer to monitor bullying.

I don't think it helps matters that Chloe is a tiny, tinkly voiced little girl, as I think people would be doubtful that she would be capable of behaving this way.

OP, you are not alone and you have my total sympathy! My daughter has had a tough time of it as well, from about the end of Y5 through to the current Y6. It's just awful to see your child treated horribly.

Your DD's situation I would definitely class as bullying, and I would absolutely involve the school.

My heart goes out to you and your DD. Good luck and please keep us posted.

What HPsauciness said.

Op at my school the teachers would come down on this like a ton of bricks. We've had children suspended for less. Bullying absolutely needs to get nipped in the bud early otherwise it's devastating for the victim and the bullies themselves if their behaviour escalates and they end up excluded. Bullying exists because people allow it to go unnoticed. When the behaviour is exposed and consequences are used the bully loses their power pretty quickly. Your poor DD. The teachers can do this without the bullies hearing this came from you. It'll be easy for them once alerted to spot the behaviour themselves.

Go in to the school - not quite all guns blazing but with the guns firmly in your back pocket.

Different situation (yours is harder) but when DD was bullied in year 2 by a group of boys about something about her appearance that she cannot help, I wrote to all the parents involved. The HT rang me up to tell me off. The parents were upset apparently (boo fucking hoo).

It worked though. I wanted a shower of shit to fall on those boys both at home and school, which happened. DD has not been bullied since, so in my case it worked. And I would do it again. It had gone on for months, school had had a "lets all be nice to each other" session in circle time which didnt work. The last straw for me was DD turning to me and asking "why are they so horrible to me mummy I am not horrible to them".

Odds what I like about our schools policy is that it is not wishwashy, not sitting in a circle all saying play nice, they all get their say in the meeting, but then they are told exactly what they are not allowed to do very specifically (so in an instance my dd had it was around a queen bee, and they were told no gangs with queen bee's name on them, no-one can tell anyone else who to play with) and also what to do if anyone sees this behaviour again. This helps the children police themselves, as actually, the ones on the fringes probably don't want to be accused of bullying or get into trouble with their parents, so the power of the crowd swings against the bully who is getting them all into trouble.

Op, definitely go in and just ask them to take action in line with their policy, all the way up to the head/parents called in if necessary- hair pulling is beyond the odd name and needs directly and immediately addressing.

Oh your poor DD. I would speak to the school personally. I second everyone saying not to speak to the mums - I had to speak to some mums (on the advice of the school ) when my DS was being bullied. They were some of my best friends and still stopped speaking to me. They are still ripping me apart in gossip 2 years on.

Absolutely do talk to the Guide leader. I'm a Beaver leader and would absolutely want to know if something like this is happening. I really dislike exclusion (and other bullying obvs) and would want to have a heads up so I could keep an eye.

for you, it's a terrible feeling when your DC are hurting.

and the guides have an ant bullying policy too

one thing that's helpful is to write a 1 page bulleted list with when it start, main players and major incidents

(1) this will help conversations with school and (2) writing it down shows how black and white everything is

If you don't have exact dates timeframes are OK

I too have been there with my DD. In Y6, Y8 and Y10. At the moment she is riding high but having reached the maturity of a 16 year old she is making the most of it secure in the knowledge that it might not last!

Please do speak to the Guide leaders. DD volunteers at Rainbows and is a Senior Guide (or whatever they are called) and she would be more than happy to help put a stop to bullying having been at the receiving end.

She's being bullied. No ifs, buts or ands. It's in the middle of the spectrum, I think, but it is definitely bullying. She's doing the right things in seeking out other girls, too, but you have to ignore her on not talking to the teachers again. It can't get any worse because she's already been excluded, effectively, and is being mildly assaulted and continuously harassed. I know why she doesn't want intervention but she's a child, and the adults need to help her.

It's lucky really that they are going to different schools. If you can keep her self-esteem intact she should bounce back there well. I'd talk to her about the fact that the Chloes of this world are always with us, and always seek a target, but there are a lot of new people out there to befriend, and she can look forward to meeting them soon.

I'd also agree with her and sympathise over her hurt at what is a pretty miserable betrayal by her friends. She has every right to be upset.

I'd be straight down to the school - make sure you bring the nasty texts as this is extended bullying.

I'd speak to guides leader, u don't have to be cross. Explain dd is having problems at school with these girls and came home covered in food last wk so u are concerned

Good luck my daughter is going through something similar. I am consumed by it x

Personally, I think that bullies should be a) exposed and b) embarrassed. Not told that it's wrong - they need to work out for themselves WHY it's wrong. When I say, "embarrassed", I mean that I would want a meeting with the whole class, with a teacher or speaker saying how only insecure, immature idiots bully others - it takes strength to be kind etc. Make bullying deeply, shamefully uncool - not just wrong because we say so.

But that's just me, and I probably feel that way because I was bullied throughout secondary school and I'm a bit RARR about it all!

Same here HP the school has had lots of bullying awareness and clear behaviour expectations from day 1 -and it works.

I think parents don't talk to their DC enough about bullying, not just what to do if they are bullied and not being a bully, but also not becoming complicit with bullying by standing on sidelines (it's the latter behaviour that enables the bully). DD and I have talked about this and she's stepped in to stand up for her friends on several occasions when others have been mean- this has worked every time. She also talked to one offender when they were mean to her explaining how it made her feel and that she wouldn't put up with it. DD is no braver or more confident than any other child but we have an expectation that this is what she will do and she is used to doing it.

This is definitely bullying and the school need to intervene and sort the situation out ASAP.

AlmaMartyr

sheesh, what type of people are they? if my DC bullied someone I would be mortified. clearly we see where their little shits learnt their manners

I'm so sorry to hear your poor DD is going through this, it's upsetting to read. Poor girl, it's bad enough being bullied by anyone but to have her close friends suddenly turn on her like that must be really awful. Why do kids behave like this??? It's so unnecessary and horrible.

I would discreetly speak to the school as a matter of urgency and not mention it to your DD at all. Hopefully the school can get on top of this horrible situation without your DD needing to know that you have intervened. Otherwise she's really got no protection from them during school hours, nobody looking out for her. I'm sure the school are well versed in how to handle these situations.

Also the after school activity - I would tell the adult volunteers most definitely. I volunteer myself (Rainbows) and if one of our girls was being bullied at school by another in the group we would definitely want to know so we could keep an eye on them and make sure no bullying happened. Tell them.

It sounds like a really good thing that your DD is going to a different school - a fresh start for her. New and better friends!

Your poor DD. I hate how some girls feel the need to hurt others.
I think if it was me I would speak to the teacher and the after school activity leaders. I'd keep it low key and I would just want them to keep an eye out and step in to stop any unkind behaviour.
I don't think you want to try to repair the friendships, especially as they will be going to different schools soon (that must be a relief ). Are there any other girls going to the same school as DD that you could help encourage a new friendship with? I think your daughter's best form of defence is to rise above it and form new friendships. The other girls can't hurt her emotionally if she no longer cares about them.

I am about to go in to DD's school to help with reading. Her ex-friend and prime bully is one of my readers! I am going to enjoy watching her squirm!! I might take in a copy of the 'Bullies, Bigmouths..' Book for her to read to me .

Another Guide leader here saying tell them. There are times when the girls are overexcited and cooking does turn into a bit of a food fight so the leaders won't necessarily know it was malicious if the same leaders didn't watch the whole thing. We've also been able to help in the past by mixing up groups, or suggesting other girls to engineer friendships with. Sounds like your DD already has friends outside the core group though which is something.

This is bullying. I would urge you to read the bullying policy, contact school and ensure it is followed to the letter. School staff are trained to deal with this and will have the experience to support your dd and you with this process. Just been through similar with our yr 6, get in there today and take back control for your dd. Don't let her be a victim. Those girls need to be told and so do their parents. Block all their numbers so they can't get to her out of school. And tell the volunteers at the club. You will feel a lot better. Little shits. Sorry. Good luck.

HPSauce That sounds like a brilliant school. All schools should have that strategy but so few do.

Tiggy and Chocolate - I've had positive experiences of calling the parents. One literally said 'So sorry. He won't do it again.' And I'm not sure what his dad said to him (heard his dad had words) but he never did and now they are reasonably good friends.

Also had experience of a fantastic cub leader handling the end of three long years of DS being systematically bullied by a really nasty kid. School never solved it but cubs did.

Thank you so much everyone for the lovely helpful supportive replies. Very much appreciated :-)

I've phoned the school and have an appointment to see DD's teacher after school tomorrow.

I feel relieved that at least DD has others to hang around with at school. I think she's just really upset that these friends that she has invested nearly 7 years' worth of friendship in have done this to her. Regarding secondary school, there are others in her year that will be going to the new school with her, and one of those is someone that she is currently spending time with at school and seems to really like. She's a really bubbly confident girl so makes friends easily. She has made some other friends at guides too because these girls keep being mean to her, so at least she has those there too.

Your poor DD. She needs to know that this is in no way a reflection on her - it says far more about this Chloe than it does about her. And I suspect her ex friends are more sidekicks/enablers than instigators, because they're afraid of bucking the trend of the peer group and facing the same treatment themselves. Doesn't make it any better for your lovely girl, of course, but sometimes a little understanding of what's going through the heads of the bullies can make it a little easier to deal with.