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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this woman should get a life?

68 replies

EdithBouvierBeale · 07/03/2016 21:46

Just got a text from Dd's friend's mum. Apparently dd has been pulling "really nasty faces" at her dd and failed to say goodbye at school today. She has asked me to speak to my dd (they are 5 ffs)

My dd says everyone was just sticking out their tongues in the playground. I said she had to apologise because what else could I do?! I lost my job last week so I really think she should get things in perspective. Grrrrr.

OP posts:

Original poster

EdithBouvierBeale · 08/03/2016 21:50

Update - I did get dd to say sorry since she had upset this girl, and I don't want her to ever be responsible for upsetting anyone.
This wasn't enough for the other mum who texted asking if we could meet for a chat. I asked if there was more to this. She didn't respond so I avoided her at school this morning. This afternoon, she knocked on my car window to ask why I didn't want to meet her.
I'm at a loss now, really!

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/03/2016 21:58

Well this time Edith. I'm on your side. You did all you could, by getting your little one to apologise. You can't and shouldn't do anymore. Id have nuclear on her. If she knocked on my car window. How rude and intimidating.

sleeponeday · 08/03/2016 22:31

I'd agree to talk to her, and hear her side. I agree it sounds absolutely nonsensical, and she sounds like she is over reacting enormously, but perhaps she's wound it up in her own mind to huge proportions and your calmly explaining what you believe happened, together with asking your DD to say sorry because you don't like any child to be upset, would help?

She's being ridiculous, though. But if you don't gently puncture the victim mentality it could escalate, and her nonsense start to impact your little girl as well as her own. Worth a try, maybe?

sleeponeday · 08/03/2016 22:33

Did she ask aggressively, or sorrowfully? Because if the latter I'd agree to meet. The former, and I would actually openly say she was being ridiculous and doing her child no favours with it.

Original poster

EdithBouvierBeale · 08/03/2016 22:59

Neither aggressively not sorrowfully; more anxious than anything. I felt a bit sorry for her. It was like she had somehow taken the whole thing personally. But this was said in front of her dd and my dd and ds who were in the back seat, which wasn't ideal!
I said that we could have a chat later this week and made a sharp exit. But tbh, I don't know her very well, and suspect there are other things going on here.

OP posts:

DoreenLethal · 09/03/2016 07:08

I did get dd to say sorry since she had upset this girl, and I don't want her to ever be responsible for upsetting anyone.

This is a very bad dynamic to set your daughter. It leads to being subservient so as not to upset anyone at all in life. Sometimes, other people get upset with you, and the best thing to do is to teach her to make her own decisions about whether it is warranted or not.

ptumbi · 09/03/2016 07:38

Agreed, doreen. You're encouraging a potential people-pleaser, OP. Other peoples' upset is not your DDs responsibility - people DO get upset sometimes, maybe even with her, or with her behaviour (innocently, as in the face-pulling) and she needs to know how and when to apologise properly, not just because someone else is 'upset'.

Goingtobeawesome · 09/03/2016 07:41

This should be about the other mum teaching her child about the real world, what is really important and age appropriate behaviour. Not about the op DD being made to say sorry for normal behaviour that wasn't malicious.

Shapebandit · 09/03/2016 07:54

Hear her out. You never know, your daughter saying 'we were all pulling faces' could mean lots of kids pulling faces at this one girl and being unkind to her...which would be worth chatting about if it's part of a pattern of being unkind to the same child

Lurkedforever1 · 09/03/2016 07:58

I would agree to meet up, because as sleep said it may be a good opportunity to diplomatically get across the point she isn't doing her dd any favours.

myusernamewastaken · 09/03/2016 08:19

i wouldnt meet her....who has time these days to deal with this shit....i would block her number and refuse to engage with her at the school.

SnobblyBobbly · 09/03/2016 08:34

Dont get pulled in by this woman. She'll be texting and calling you over every minor upset and it will drain you.

Just tell her nicely that you've dealt with it and don't believe there's anything more to discuss.

Claraoswald36 · 09/03/2016 09:21

After the update think I would meet her and out the whole issue to bed. I would be very firm with her about it but otherwise I don't think you will get rid of her.

WonderingAspie · 09/03/2016 10:33

Sorry but you shouldn't have made your DD apologise, she did nothing wrong.

Take my advice, steer clear of this mum, don't meet for a chat. I've seen how this goes. The mum in our school is so ridiculous over stuff like this. Texting parents saying "my DS says yours pushed mine today" and going on and on and on and on about it. Pages and pages of texts about how perfect and lovely and wonderful her child is etc etc. She has even been heard making catty comments about other children because none are as wonderful as hers. She makes loud comments to her children but it's for the benefit of anyone in earshot. My DC didn't invite hers to a party, only invited 7 from the class, this mum didn't like it so was commenting loudly to her child in my earshot. I just ignore. The school are utterly fed up of her. Don't engage the crazy.

There is a lot more but it's identifying so I won't put it. This mum sounds similar though so the best thing would be don't engage with it in the beginning because it will only get worse.

Original poster

EdithBouvierBeale · 09/03/2016 11:12

It was a decision I weighed up.
Ultimately, I decided that dd's actions had upset another child. However trivial or common they seem to us, a little girl was crying. Dd should know that her actions, however silly, had hurt someone else.
Dd said "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I was playing a game and didn't mean to". I think that is fair.
I avoided the mum again this morning!

OP posts:

JeanGenie23 · 09/03/2016 11:23

I agree Edith, I think it was a good thing your DD apologised. However I also think the other mum should take the opportunity to boost her daughters confidence, it will do her no good to be so sensitive.

I can't see what more this mum has to say on the matter, but her dithering and withering will rub off on her DD (if it hasn't already!!)

bornwithaplasticspoon · 09/03/2016 12:00

I would text her to bring closure. You really don't want to be avoiding her at school as it's awkward, especially when the girls are best friends again! Something along the lines of:

'Hi, just to clarify that I have dealt with dd making faces. She has apologised. I will speak to the teacher and ask him/her to keep an eye on the girls. In future, any problems that occur at school should be discussed with the teacher first. If the teacher feels I need to discipline dd he/she will speak to me directly. See you at school x'

Keep it light, but make it clear it has been dealt with and you will only deal with future situations via the school.

DartmoorDoughnut · 09/03/2016 12:14

I like bornwith suggestion, you've dealt with it now it's time to forget and ignore the other mum like you are!

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