To feel nothing was made of me on Mother's Day

[Julia2016]

Hi there

Just looking for a few opinions and also offloading. I'll try and keep this concise.

I'm a pretty grounded woman, very practical and not one that's interested in material things e.g. myself and hubby don't exchange birthday presents, we tend to just buy each other something nice from time to time. We aren't ones for cards either. We don't do enough of this romantic stuff though and it's something we are making more of an effort at. There is a time when you can be too practical and I'm guilty of it.

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day, my daughter was born last May. I dropped loads of hints that yesterday was important to me in the week leading to yesterday, over and over and hubby's friends reminded him not to forget the day. He did and I am really upset. After saying something yesterday morning, at some point in the afternoon I got a petrol station card and hand made chocolates (which he knows I don't like), I'd prefer a Cadbury's Flake, it's not about cost.

I'm just hurt. Loads of people were onto me yesterday asking was I being spoilt etc etc. I ensured he made a fuss of his mother and I made a fuss of mine and I felt like nothing was made of me. I'm so far from a diva, even if this post makes me out to be one, I really am not. I just feel wronged.

I guess for me this is a sensitive thing. I'm a new mum and half the time I don't know if I am doing right or wrong as a mother, my hubby knows this too. I do my best and I love my daughter dearly. Sometimes it would be nice to be made to feel special.

One of the things my husband knows well about me is that I can't stand being taken for granted. I'm the type that worries and thinks about everyone else and so I'm ripe to be forgotten as I don't ask for much. He knows that I won't put up with someone taking this part of my nature for granted. It makes me think that the less you expect, the less you get and it's hurtful when your nearest and dearest take you for granted.

I got really mad at him this morning and now he is furious with me. I'm not dismissing how I feel even if he is furious.

Anyhow thank you for reading.

Julia

YABU to expect a fuss on M Day if you and DH don't usually stick to dates.

My DH gave me a card 2weeks early and gift hasn't yet arrived as he ordered it late... but that's ok. I don't really mind if I get a gift though the card is nice as its my first M Day.

We are both relaxed about dates and don't really do presents for birthdays/Xmas, we get gifts for each other throughout year.

Also I think M Day is more for when children are older and can make you a card and present you with a gift or something homemade. It seems a bit odd to make a fuss when they're still babies.

Can you suggest he takes you out for a special belated lunch or day trip?

It's true zzzzzz, I have my own insecurities that I need to deal with. I guess becoming a new mum overwhelmed me in lots of ways. Sometimes you just want someone to say, you are doing ok, as sad as that might sound.

My DH doesn't have a clue about meaningful presents etc. He was raised by his parents not to make a fuss over people for Christmas/birthdays etc. They don't get each other birthday cards etc a lot of the time.

After we married and the honeymoon period was over, I user to get upset when there was no card or little bunch of flowers for valentines day, our anniversary etc but now I just accept that it's not going to happen. He won't change and a card would be meaningless because he doesn't want to give it. This year I went to get a card and little present with my 3yo, it was lovely that we chose it together. I was still a little saddened on the day that he didn't make an effort with anything but I can't change him so I have to accept it and appreciate the time spent on the day with dc.

It's not the card, present etc, it's the feeling unappreciated that is a little upsetting, but OP you will have lovely mother's days in the future when your dd is older.

I'm similar to you in that I've never been fussed with birthdays, anniversaries etc and have been happy just appreciating each other through the year. DP always makes me feel loved so never wanted anything else... I think he's felt very lucky that he didn't have to be held to celebration days! Then I had a baby 2 years ago and felt different... I wanted to start marking occasions and surprising each other, maybe to show our child how to do it? I'm not sure! But I had to spell it out for him because I couldn't expect him to mind read after 8 years of me not caring. So maybe try the same thing?
One thing I don't get is why he's saying you should be walking more? You work full time and do everything else. You play with her. Why does he need to criticise about something that doesn't matter?

My husband got guilty flowers choc's and cava from Tescos as we'd stopped to get some veg on the way to my mum's for Sunday dinner. I wanted to shove them in the bin. I'd only, you know, popped two babies out, struggled with pnd run the house and everything... But no... Just a shitty card and no thought for me. It's made me feel really unvalued and forgotten about. I KNOW as an adult I shouldn't care but I do....

Perhaps, when calm, have a chat and explain to him what you've said here.

Tell him how you feel, and why.

You're entitled to be upset, so don't dismiss your feelings. Sort it out now or you'll dread next year!

I don't know why he said that about taking her walking. He would take her the odd time but obviously he wants me to do it more, maybe so he doesn't feel he has to do it or he can be more lazy? I've actually gone walking the past two weekends, I enjoy it but not all the time as I've generally a list of jobs to do.

I work because I want to be independent financially, it's always been my way, I had my first daughter at 35 so I have always worked. My salary isn't really needed to keep us going so maybe then he just doesn't appreciate that I work, that it's my choice almost. So I get no kudos for being gone out of the house so much. My plan is to not work as much if we are lucky enough to have baby number 2. He says he doesn't mind me working but I don't think he respects it really.

I have always worked. Therefore dh has always done at least his fair share of the jobs at home.

If he thinks the kids need to do something, he suggests that we all could do it or takes them himself.

He would never suggest to me that I don't do enough. I decided the kids would benefit from learning martial arts. I found a place went and looked and sorted it out. Dh wasn't that keen. So I make sure they do (they love it) I don't tell dh he should do more martial arts with the kids because I think it's a good idea.

He sometimes comes and watches or takes them if I can't.

Parenting is both your job and your dhs. Neither of you are perfect or will think the same things are important. But him saying something is important and trying to make you feel bad for not doing it, isn't on.

He says he doesn't mind me working but I don't think he respects it really. i.e. he doesn't respect you.