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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel nothing was made of me on Mother's Day

61 replies

Julia2016 · 07/03/2016 09:59

Hi there

Just looking for a few opinions and also offloading. I'll try and keep this concise.

I'm a pretty grounded woman, very practical and not one that's interested in material things e.g. myself and hubby don't exchange birthday presents, we tend to just buy each other something nice from time to time. We aren't ones for cards either. We don't do enough of this romantic stuff though and it's something we are making more of an effort at. There is a time when you can be too practical and I'm guilty of it.

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day, my daughter was born last May. I dropped loads of hints that yesterday was important to me in the week leading to yesterday, over and over and hubby's friends reminded him not to forget the day. He did and I am really upset. After saying something yesterday morning, at some point in the afternoon I got a petrol station card and hand made chocolates (which he knows I don't like), I'd prefer a Cadbury's Flake, it's not about cost.

I'm just hurt. Loads of people were onto me yesterday asking was I being spoilt etc etc. I ensured he made a fuss of his mother and I made a fuss of mine and I felt like nothing was made of me. I'm so far from a diva, even if this post makes me out to be one, I really am not. I just feel wronged.

I guess for me this is a sensitive thing. I'm a new mum and half the time I don't know if I am doing right or wrong as a mother, my hubby knows this too. I do my best and I love my daughter dearly. Sometimes it would be nice to be made to feel special.

One of the things my husband knows well about me is that I can't stand being taken for granted. I'm the type that worries and thinks about everyone else and so I'm ripe to be forgotten as I don't ask for much. He knows that I won't put up with someone taking this part of my nature for granted. It makes me think that the less you expect, the less you get and it's hurtful when your nearest and dearest take you for granted.

I got really mad at him this morning and now he is furious with me. I'm not dismissing how I feel even if he is furious.

Anyhow thank you for reading.

Julia

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/03/2016 11:47

Nottalotta Sounds to me if you expect Mother's Day to be anything but an amplified version of how you are treated the rest of the year, you're going to be disappointed.

Sparrowlegs248 · 07/03/2016 11:53

Yes donkey I set myself up for it really. I, like the op, don't expect a lot. But I had hoped the lovely things I did for Christmas and his birthday would have had some sort of impact. Especially as things had been much improved recently.And no, I didn't tell him outright that I wanted a card from my baby. Shouldn't bloody have to. Sorry to hijack.

Only1scoop · 07/03/2016 11:57

Notta

Sad when you feel you have to lower your quite acceptable expectations to exist together. Even more sad years later if it becomes the norm.

I find as a giving person with a bit of initiative, it makes me not want to give much in my relationship.

I get you.

Only1scoop · 07/03/2016 11:58

And nobody should have to ask for or 'hint' for a bloody card.

DisappointedOne · 07/03/2016 12:00

I didn't get anything, but I didn't want anything. It bears no significance for me.

I drove over 500 miles yesterday. DD (5) gave me a handful of her mini eggs, which was more a show of love than any hallmark card could have given.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 07/03/2016 12:08

I honestly think Mother's Day doesn't really mean anything until the dcs are old enough to understand it and be part of it

A baby has no idea it's Mother's Day and tbh I don't see how why husbands are expected to make the day special- it's about your DCs showing appreciation etc.

When the DCs get older it's a lovely day because it cones from them- I honestly think it's meaningless otherwise

LaurieLemons · 07/03/2016 12:12

I think you need to tell your husband flat out you want to celebrate Mother's Day from now on, if you have never made an effort on these type of days then I guess it's only natural for him. Tell him you would have been over the moon with breakfast in bed and a card with something nice written inside, it's not about a pointless commercialised gift & card like he probably thinks. Oh and make a fuss of him on Father's Day so he will hopefully pull his finger out next Mother's Day. No more 'dropping hints'!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/03/2016 12:16

If it's just the tip of an iceberg, it does matter. Fortunately OP here says she can't fault her DH most of the time.

Original poster

Julia2016 · 07/03/2016 12:30

Yes I think it does matter more when it's one of a long line of thoughtlessness out of your OH. To be fair my OH is good most of the time for doing "man" jobs. We do need to work on ensuring we show we care about each other as we are similar in our practical nature.

I think it runs deeper for lots of reasons. I really don't know how I'm doing as a new mum and I'm sensitive to that. I guess it started on Saturday evening when he said that I don't do a lot with our daughter. I asked him to give me examples but he couldn't really, he says that I don't take her out walking much. Now I work full time, I do all the practical stuff for our daughter and the house work, it isn't always my priority to run outside the house and it's always raining. He works from home for himself so he has way more time to call his own. I was fuming over this too.

I stood there last week and said, you know me, you know I don't like fuss but Sunday is a big deal. Nope, he didn't get it or sadly he couldn't be bothered, I'm not sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Julia2016 · 07/03/2016 12:31

Oh and my thing with our daughter is to sit on the floor with her every chance I get, to be with her, to play with her and to love her. I'm always present when I'm with her. So I took what he said to heart.

OP posts:

BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate · 07/03/2016 12:43

Stop dropping hints. Tell him what you want and expect.

"Do you know what, I'm really pissed off that we didn't have a nice lunch out today and surely I deserve a card and small pressie on my first Mother's Day? I'm really disappointed. I made a fuss of you on Father's Day. Do you remember?"

harshbuttrue1980 · 07/03/2016 12:43

For Goodness sake. My family have never bothered about mother's/ father's/grandparent's etc etc days, and it doesn't mean we are any less loving or appreciative. People who expect to be "spoilt" are intensely annoying, its too "me, me, me". A present is only valuable if it is given freely. Guilt tripping a decent man who just can't be arsed with boosting the profits of hallmark is totally unfair and diva-ish.

Original poster

Julia2016 · 07/03/2016 12:48

This might be true if that's who I was as a person, I'm not.

OP posts:

Katenka · 07/03/2016 12:48

How often does he take her out for a walk?

To be honest you said 'you can't fault him most of the time' , it doesn't sound that way tbh.

Also telling him that Mother's Day was a big deal isn't a hint. It's out and out telling him.

I really don't know the answer here because your update shows he isn't great. And it's gone from you hinted to you out and out told him.

If you told him it was a big deal to you and his picking at your parenting then there are big issues here.

sugar21 · 07/03/2016 12:51

I didn't get anything either, because my dd died. Instead I took some daffodils and placed them on her grave.

Count your blessings.

Kewcumber · 07/03/2016 12:51

you know me, you know I don't like fuss but Sunday is a big deal

I wouldn't call that a hint - I would say that was quite clear.

And to those who say Mothers day doesn't mean anything unless it comes from your children - OP doesn't feel this way and her DH knew this. OP wanted a little recognition that he valued her as their DC's mother in the same way that she did for him on Fathers day. Just because you don't care doesn't mean everyone doesn;t care and OP is married to her DH not you! Whatever your views wouldn;t you try to make an effort for something you knew was important to your significant other?

Kewcumber · 07/03/2016 12:55

sugar that's not the same thing. My child is adopted - I don't tell people who have had a difficult time giving birth to suck it up because they're lucky. Even though they are.

The fact that things could be so much worse is not a reason not to improve what you already have.

And yes you can be grateful for what you do have at the same time.

I am extraordinarily grateful that I celebrated Mothers day with my DS not by putting flowers on his grave as you did

Chilver · 07/03/2016 12:58

I completely understand and no, yanbu. I was also left feeling unappreciated and yes, I did set out my expectations that I would like a little forethought into something (again, nothing materialistic, just a card or words saying that they appreciate me) but still he didn't make an effort.

The kicker for me was it was also my birthday

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/03/2016 13:00

Yes Mother's Day can seem over-commercialised but that's not an excuse to disregard it. There are different ways to celebrate Mother's Day, no expense incurred - not necessarily a whole day to yourself, maybe a card, perhaps a present, or two consecutive lie-ins or a long, undisturbed soak by yourself!

sugar21 · 07/03/2016 13:03

Ok Kew I am sorry if I offended anyone. My fault because I'm not thinking straight.

saraah2354 · 07/03/2016 13:11

I got a sickness bug on my first mothers day. No card, no chocolate, no flowers not even a "happy mothers day" this year I didn't get anything either so yanbu but mothers day is so over rated it makes me vom

stugtank · 07/03/2016 13:12

I'm quite saddened by the poster who guilted their 8 year old dd for not making a card.

I grew up with a mother who created tension around every birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day etc if she didn't feel 'spoilt enough'. I am now estranged from her and it is an immense relief not having to stand in Marks & Spencer for ages, sweating over the right card with the right words.

That particular poster said her ds made somethingi n school. Why wasn't that enough? Why all this ridiculous pressure around a made up day?

Why do mothers need spoilt, presents, thanks? It reinforces the notion that a mother is wonderful just by virtue of having given birth.

It is duty and necessity to love and look after your children and narcissistic to expect some kind of adulation - especially from partners and dh.

In my opinion Mother's and Father's Day should be scrapped and there should be a children's day instead. Where all the money spent on commercialised crap is put towards helping neglected and forgotten children. Because there are plenty of shit parents out there.

I have three children and NEVER would I expect anything or guilt them on Mother's Day.

Kewcumber · 07/03/2016 13:14

You didn't offend me sugar not at all - I truly am grateful not to be dealing with what you are. There is no way around the truth that of course you are dealing with something that that puts smaller issues into perspective. But other peoples lives move on and I can imagine that you find the injustice of people complaining about things you'd love to deal with almost unbearable at times.

I hope you got through yesterday as well as you could.

Kewcumber · 07/03/2016 13:15

mothers day is so over rated it makes me vom - I think you'll find that was the sickness bug

leavemealone2015 · 07/03/2016 13:28

I agree with stugtank ...I said to ds a few weeks ago, there should be a children's day and for Mother's Day this year I didn't want presents I just wanted a fun thing to do together ..to show him how much I love him actually .. Like a reverse Mother's Day lol. I considered getting him a special book or diary to write in between us like I recently read somewhere but never got round to that bit. And then I got sick so the special day will be in a couple of weeks now. Like he said ' we can't go today mum you're too unwell , it doesn't matter which day we do it, we'll know it's for mothers day'

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